Who made Steve?

In the third grade at Timothy Christian School, we learned a variation of the children's catechism. I don't remember most of it any longer, but I've always treasured the first three questions.

Recently, however, I've come to realize that these three questions do not accurately represent what it is that many American Christians believe. I have amended them to bring them into line with current practice and teaching:

Q: Who made you?
A: God made me.

Q: What else did God make?
A: God made me and all things -- except Steve.

Q: Why did God make all things except Steve?
A: God made all things except Steve for His own glory.

"Steve" has emerged as a central figure in American theology. He even played a significant role in the recent national elections. Yet despite his enormous influence, we know little about Steve aside from a single reference to him in our holy texts. This reference is, like the catechism, extra-canonical but considered authoritative:

"God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve."

This oft-quoted text presents a mystery. If God did not make Steve, then where did this uncreature come from? How did Steve come to be?

God did not make Steve, therefore we must also assume that Steve was never born. If Steve had been born, after all, then he would be "begotten, not made." Surely we are not meant to conclude that Steve is a little-known fourth member of the Trinity.

Thus again we come to mystery. Steve was neither made nor begotten; yet Steve is.

What can we do in the face of such mystery? It is beyond our ken. We cannot hope to understand, we can only drop to our knees to sing a bewildered hymn of praise to the Creator of all things except Steve.

I have taken to doing exactly this whenever anyone recites this particular sacred text in my hearing.

Comments

[eRobin]

Don't they say that God doesn't make homosexuals because homosexuality is a choice/sin that God's children make? I thought that's how they get around a lot of stuff that doesn't gibe with the "love your neighbor" riff.

[julia]

Steve, bless him, is a teacher and a bit of a test for anyone who maintains to follow Christ.

It has been my experience that your less analytical students tend to dislike teachers who give them tests they fail.

[carla]

Thank you Fred; I love you.

[John S Costello]

SAT: Praise God from whom all blessings flow;
B, concurrently: Except Steve.
SAT: Praise him all ye creatures here below;
B: Not you, Steve.
SAT: Praise him above ye heavn'ly host;
B: Stay silent, Steve.
SAT: Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost
B: And Holy Steve.

[Patrick J. Mullins]

I think Steve's genealogy begins in the 70's with the Clone movement which followed Stonewall, and made limpwrist/femme pyrotechnics outre.

(The screaming preachers of 42nd Street, who were the first to inform me of 'Steve,' have been put out of business by Disney. I find this immensely hypocritical on the part of Disney, usually so mindful of families; and I even see it as a sign that homosexual smears within Disney culture may pop up presently to relieve the boredom.)

However, adjustments by both parties were soon made.

As a 4th Trinity member, a most marvelous mathematical conundrum, he could be found in the Fire Island Pines, where queens from Cherry Grove were perfectly happy to drop to their knees before him in the Meat Rack, especially when they started their July 4th 'Invasion of the Pines' in 1976.

God didn't make Anita Bryant either. However, she worries about it, and Steve doesn't, which is why the vice cops go after him. There are a lot of different kinds of clones, and they just all figure out how to make do. The new 'enclosetments' which will surely come about with the pogroms to emerge in the next few months and years, are well known to please some practitioners even more than the attempts at domestication which have just been thwarted in a most rude way.

[Richard]

Having been raised Southern Baptist in Texas, I was taught that Steve was simply another in the long list of heresies and theological distortions so beloved by the evangelicals.

You see, Steve wasn't created by God, but by Satan, who, as we all know, possesses no power to Create (that's God's power)... except when his demonic magnificence so wishes. In which case, Satan's the most amazing Creator you ever saw. Of so-called evil things, of course. But really attractive, tempting so-called evil things. Kinda like Wall-Mart.

Which, quite properly, caused me to rethink my entire theology, and come to the only possible conclusion -- Satan is every bit as powerful as God. Satan, in fact, would have created the world, but God got there first. (Satan's not a morning deity - a point that rates highly in my decisions as to which Almighty to worship.)

So now you know.

[Eric in TX]

Now how fantastic is that. Thank you.

[Patrick J. Mullins]

Richard--pulleaze...if Satan created tempting attractive things, then God definitely created Wall-Mart. You should be ashamed...

[jake]

"Which, quite properly, caused me to rethink my entire theology, and come to the only possible conclusion -- Satan is every bit as powerful as God. Satan, in fact, would have created the world, but God got there first. (Satan's not a morning deity - a point that rates highly in my decisions as to which Almighty to worship.)"

Isn't that zoroastrian or whatever that old babylonian religion is called?

[Beth]

Thank you, Fred, thank you. That's the first real laugh I've had since Kerry's concession. Making people laugh when they feel like crying, that's a real mitzvah.

[Pastor Frank Phelps]

Actually, the real quote is "God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Sleeve."

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[DennisDeveny]

God made Steven. But Steven was tempted by the devil to drop the “n”, take Eve shopping for produce and shack up with Adam because he had a real python.

Fortunately for humanity, there are people out there who want to give Steve his n-tegrity back. Well, at least for Drew Berryessa,

[misseli]

BWAH hahahahahaha!

Oh, bless you. That's beyond Ship of Fools-worthy ...

[Evan]

AH! Oh, lordy, I needed that laugh. Thank you.

[Davis X. Machina]

Who'd a thunk it -- our new state religion is Manichaeanism, complete with two co-creators, one good and one evil.

Boy did that Augustine guy back the wrong horse...

[TomB]

When Cain went into the land of Nod, east of Eden, he got married. Where did his wife come from? Is it possible that Steve came from the land of Nod? And how come Steve gets a name, and Cain's wife doesn't, she who conceived and bare Enoch, who builded a city? And who conceived of Steve? If, as the evidence suggests, it was an American, does that mean that America is the land of Nod?

[oboreruhito]

The land of Nod Off, maybe.

[Nancy Lebovitz]

I have a minor grudge against a God who created people who are so easily hypnotized by rhymes. See also "If you can't do the time, don't do the crime" which is an amazing protection against the idea that some people are falsely convinted.

[Matt McIrvin]

Ah, but if it doesn't fit, you must acquit!

[Matt McIrvin]

Also, loose lips sink ships. Burma-Shave.

[Dave Lartigue]

I thought it was obvious. Of course God made Steve. What He didn't make was "Adam and Steve", the blessed union of the two. He made Steve as a healthy, happy, heterosexual, but Satan has tempted Steve and led him down a path of sin and hedonism. If Steve simply rejects the homosexual lifestyle he has chosen, he will once again be weclomed into God's arms.

I'm not even a Christian and I knew THAT!

[Patrick J. Mullins]

People will put up with Steve. He's like Joe Gage or Jack Wrangler or Dick Huge--'capitalist' gays.

It's 'Bruce' who always freaks them into bashing.

However, Michael Musto will save the day.

[I wanna live in a blue state!]

Ah, but remember that Eve then gave birth to Cain and Abel--not Cain and Mabel!

[Susie from Philly]

I love you, Fred. I really do.

[Tom S]

"What can we do in the face of such mystery? It is beyond our ken. We cannot hope to understand, we can only drop to our knees to sing a bewildered hymn of praise to the Creator of all things except Steve."

OK, I get the Steve part. Now who's Ken?

:-)

[Bill S]

Why, Ken is Barbie's "boyfriend" although I'm pretty sure it's a "Will & Grace" relationship. (Ken is actually seeing G.I. Joe, but they keep it a secret because of the policy on gays in the military.)

[michael]

Kubler-Ross tended to underestimate the "punch-drunk-giggly" stage of grief.

[STEVE]

i am called steve does that make me evil, or gay.

[cl]

It's really the non-catholic Christians who are at fault. The Baltimore Catechism does not mention Steve. I guess that is why so many priests did not refrain from diddling altar boys...

Also if God created Adam and Eve, and then Cain killed Able, where did all the rest of the people come from? Did Eve procreate with Cain? Did she live 1,000 years like Abraham? Or did she have more children and then did they engage in incest? Where did they come from?

[John D. Miller]

OK, your spirit body, the one with the memory, is made in the image of God.

Yet there are some who don't understand that the natural body which is a vessel for the spirit body, a spirit body that has freedon when the vessel is discarded at death, is a vessel with one reason prime reason to exist. That is to find God during the time the person has to live, and once God is found, then the vessel should help others during its journey towards death.

You live to find God, then you live to help others. Then you receive your prize at death, for you live again in the image of God.

All else is really of no consequence.

[Invigilator]

Hey, are all those scientist-Steves who joined the "Steve project" supporting evolution also unbegotten?

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[A. Kennedy]

So there's your answer. Who made Steve? Penis enlargement.

[hapax]

Mmm. Lucky Adam...

[wintermute]

OK, I can understand why the "suspicious phone call" thread gets spammed with adverts for mobile phones, but unless these pills are being marketed specifically at the gay market (and I'm pretty sure there are more straight guys who worry about size), I don't see the link here...

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[Drak Pope]

I am interested in your product but your URL appears to be damaged. Could you post a more correct version or send further information to me via email?

tee hee, pope made a funny.

[cjmr's husband]

If we had universal health care, the poor spammers would be out of a job. Oh the horror.

[mark]

Pot? Mushrooms?
Not controlled by the Drug Industry.

[misc.]

Pot and shrooms are corporate-proof, thankfully.

Way too many associations with the dirty fuckin' hippies - impossible to attract shareholders.

[Jackson]

Hey, everybody, don't you know? It's not Adam and Steve, it's Adam and Steven!! Please, people, get it right...

[kazoonheight]

I was pondering the dilemma and ultimately determined "Screw Adam, who gives a rat's ass", then it dawned on me that that's probably what Steve ultimately thought about the mess. Steve ... Eve, whatever. Is someone trying to play god and make Adam's decisions for him? Who's the lucky dog who's gonna sniff Steve's butt to make sure he's Eve before the ceremony? Crocodile Dundee? Good luck with that. Those types of attempts at vicarious redemption through the coercion of others have been rocking the boat since they started the fire Billy Joel disavowed in his song.

[kazoonheight]

Gee John D. Miller

I'm thankful for the refresher. I'd almost forgotten the exact blueprint to the tank since hearing it the first time from Charley Manson.

If you try to view life as a gift you could very well find it easier to live in the present

I got nothing against dusty old books. I like to read and some are better than others. It's no excuse to be a shitheel.

[apek]

Одно из старейших агентств города «АПЕК» предлагает услугу продажа квартир в Петербурге.

Since the foreshortening of "Stephan" is a relatively recent English language invention, of course the Flying Spaghetti Monster didn't create Steve. Duh.