Secondary virginity

Today's unsurprising headline is from The Washington Post: "Some Abstinence Programs Mislead Teens, Report Says."

Many American youngsters participating in federally funded abstinence-only programs have been taught over the past three years that abortion can lead to sterility and suicide, that half the gay male teenagers in the United States have tested positive for the AIDS virus, and that touching a person's genitals "can result in pregnancy," a congressional staff analysis has found.

Those and other assertions are examples of the "false, misleading, or distorted information" in the programs' teaching materials, said the analysis, released yesterday, which reviewed the curricula of more than a dozen projects aimed at preventing teenage pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease.

In providing nearly $170 million next year to fund groups that teach abstinence only, the Bush administration, with backing from the Republican Congress, is investing heavily in a just-say-no strategy for teenagers and sex. But youngsters taking the courses frequently receive medically inaccurate or misleading information, often in direct contradiction to the findings of government scientists, said the report, by Rep. Henry A. Waxman, D-Calif. ...

Joe. S. McIlhaney Jr., who runs the Medical Institute for Sexual Health, which developed much of the material that was surveyed, said he is "saddened" that Waxman chose to "blast" well-intentioned abstinence educators when there is much the two sides could agree on.

Take a gander at some of the fine products sold by McIlhaney's Medical Institute. "Do Condoms Make Sex Safe Enough?" asks one brochure. " If someone tells you a condom will keep you safe ...They're stretching the truth," says another.

Another brochure "speaks convincingly to sexually active teens and presents them with a strong case for embracing secondary virginity."

These abstinence-only programs want teens to remain virgins. Failing that, they want teens to become "secondary virgins." But above all, they want to make sure all teen girls are aware of their status in relation to boys: secondary.

Some course materials cited in Waxman's report present as scientific fact notions about a man's need for "admiration" and "sexual fulfillment" compared with a woman's need for "financial support." One book in the "Choosing Best" series tells the story of a knight who married a village maiden instead of the princess because the princess offered so many tips on slaying the local dragon. "Moral of the story," notes the popular text: "Occasional suggestions and assistance may be alright, but too much of it will lessen a man's confidence or even turn him away from his princess."

Comments

[Emily]

Shudder.

Fortunately, my school's abstinence-only program was marked only by textbooks with smiling white couples holding hands, an an incredible vagueness about anything else. Considering all the things my health teacher was not allowed to tell me, the whole unit was utterly contentless. At least the test was easy.

[Lys]

Speaking as someone who took that I'm Worth the Wait pledge back in junior high... It didn't work.

A good education on barriers and dental dams would have been appreciated, though.

[MrProliferation]

It doesn't surprise me at all, having grown up in Pat Robertsonland (Tidewater, VA) and having received this "abstinence education" that these kinds of myths are being peddled. Factualness is a tricky thing to these people, as the famous Stephen Colbert line went "it's the facts that are biased" to them.

Now I want a study on all the textbooks in the south that teach creationism over evolutionism. . .I'm sure we'll turn up a treasure trove of great stuff there.

[Scott]

"Fortunately, my school's abstinence-only program was marked only by textbooks with smiling white couples holding hands"

You have to admit, smiling white couples don't get pregnant if they just hold hands. :-) Were they the white couple that got past the bouncer in the UCC ad?

[Andrew]

I share your outrage about the misinformation cited in Waxman's report - but I'm not sure that "approved" curricula - even approved by a committee made up of Susie Bright and Heather Corinna - is a solution to the deep problem of sex education - heck, ANY education - in the US.

McIlhaney and his ilk are sitting pretty right now, because of Bush's extravagant support, so his rhetoric rings a little hollow. But I agree in principle that, if Waxman was indeed trying to shoot down the conservative curricula in favor of curricula developed by people more to his liking, that is probably not the most productive route. I agree with McIlhaney that sex educators, whether left- or right-wing, probably share a considerable amount of common ground. I'm NOT talking about the curricula developers - I'm talking about ground-floor teachers who actually work with young people.

It seems likely to me that MI's condoms pamphlet/tract is simply weighing in on the effectiveness of condoms in preventing all STDs, not simply HIV. To say that condoms are less effective than abstinence is not (as long as the discussion goes further than that, hence the importance of teachers) misinformation.

[Ken Houghton]

Is secondary virginity where women have sexual relations in every orifice except the vagina? (op. cit. "dental dams" comment above)

If so, what is the male equivalent--or does it matter?

[cjmr]

Secondary virginity (in a nutshell) is deciding to be sexually inactive after having once been sexually active. "Just because you had sex with one person doesn't mean you have to have sex in every subsequent relationship." is actually a pretty wise motto to live by, imho.

[cjmr]

I was annoyed by the way the information/misinformation/disinformation appeared to be being presented by the curriculum discussed in the article, however, not all of the assertions are totally false.

Complications from abortion like uterine infection can result sterility or even death if not promptly and properly treated. Uterine puncture is another real risk, though not a common risk, of D&C. (I know someone that happened to.)

What I plan to teach my own: The only 100% sure way to avoid pregnancy and STDs it to abstain from sex. Condoms are the only (current) contraceptive method that can protect against both pregnancy and STDs, use them if you decide to have sex. And if you don't know someone well enough to discuss STDs and condom use with them, you don't know them well enough to be having sex with them.

[spencer]

Complications from abortion like uterine infection can result sterility or even death if not promptly and properly treated.

Well, of course - abortion is just like almost any serious medical procedure in that regard. And of course, there's nothing wrong with pointing that out to teenagers. Just like there's nothing wrong with pointing out that condoms can sometimes break.

The problem is one of emphasis - if these materials are suggesting that sterilization and death are common results of abortions, for example, or that condoms have a 50 percent failure rate, when neither is true - well, that's where it becomes problematic, and far too "faith-based" for my liking.

[Benjamin]

Do they have "If You Absolutely Must, Then Make It Missionary", or "Lights Out, Door Locked: A Guide To That Most Unpleasant Of Marital Duties"?

No? Pity.

Also, I believe the term that Mr. Houghton is searching for is Technical Virgin. It boggles the mind to think how many martyrs would line up for the cause if they were promised 70 Technical Virgins to frolic with in the afterlife….

[animus]

To say that condoms are less effective than abstinence is not (as long as the discussion goes further than that, hence the importance of teachers) misinformation.

But to say that condoms are under 70% effective is very definitely misinformation, and dangerous misinformation at that. Experience shows that such exaggerations result in just as many students having sex, but fewer of them using condoms.

It's also misinformation to claim that humans have 48 chromosomes.

[Luke Francl]

Having lost one's secondary virginity, is it possible to become a tertiary virgin?

[Locutor]

What is up with the Baby Boomers? The Free Love generation has turned into Miz Grundy.

I would remind everyone to think back to when they were teenagers. Did your parents disapproval ever keep you from wanting to have sex? Or did it keep you from having sex if you had the opportunity?

"No" would be the answer for me in both cases. In high school I got laid as soon as i could, as often as I could. Hell, I was a teenager, what other behavior could be expected when the hormones are raging? The best thing we can do is make sure that teenagers have sex responsibly. No one in any culture in any time or place has ever kept teenagers from having sex--the best you can do is make it more difficult for them, or put them in same-sex schools/prisons--in which case they just engage in masturbation and homoerotic exploits.

[Becky]

"Moral of the story," notes the popular text: "Occasional suggestions and assistance may be alright, but too much of it will lessen a man's confidence or even turn him away from his princess."

Oh? I thought the moral of the story was that the princess should kick aside the knight and kill the damn dragon herself.

There's a really perverse part of me that can't wait to have kids, just so I can raise all sorts of hell at school board meetings over crappy and sexist curricula. I could raise hell now, but I live in a liberal town with good schools, so I'm just biding my time and building up my credentials.

[Jake]

It's the word lawyering combined with the constant bitching about other people word lawyering that gets me.

On some level some of these people must get that what htey are saying is gibberish, hipocritical gibberish and harmful hipocritical gibberish at that.

no one can be able ot read and as stupid as these people, do they have special lobotomies at somepoint to achieve a bizarre state of idiotic Mu, that state of standing between comprehending what they're saying and still having a belief that what they are saying is in any way correct.

Let's not educate kids, let's Indoctrinate them! gotten himmel, how can people of such weak moral fortitude be the religious 'majority', weak because they seem unable to trust themselves to not do what they consider wrong, and too stupid to understand that there is no Need to ban evolution, or sex Education because if their god is such a wise and just god, it'll understand youthful trangressions or momentary lapses of judgement.

How can Bush be thought of as moral with his drug/alchohol problems, and his cowardice during vietnam, while a teenager using contraceptives to have safe sex!? THAT's Immoral?

I can usually understand other people's viewpoints, get what they are saying but these people, these people baffle me. there is just too many conflicting ideas and contradictory interpretations of their dogmas.

[Merlin Missy]

Oh? I thought the moral of the story was that the princess should kick aside the knight and kill the damn dragon herself.

I think I like you quite a lot. :D

Complications from abortion like uterine infection can result sterility or even death if not promptly and properly treated.

And while this is true, care to hear how the statistics stack up versus the same complications as a result of childbirth? We won't even get into how much higher uterine infection rates are in areas where abortions are illegal. (I know, I know. Hello choir.)

[Mnemosyne]

In retrospect, by taking my sex education class in summer school I think I was (unintentionally) able to bypass much nonsense. Not only did we learn about the pros and cons of every then-available form of birth control, we also learned diagrams of reproductive anatomy and traced the path of the sperm from the testicles through the vas deferens and out through the urethra. We even learned that spanish fly doesn't do anything but make you need to pee really bad.

Hmm. That may be why I put off having sex till my 20s. Too much information.

The conveniently overlooked fact, that any medical student can easily tell you, is that yes, abortion entails some risks of sterility of death - but bringing a pregnancy to term is incomparably more dangerous. Which shouldn't discourage people to have kids - just like the far lesser risks of STDs if basic precautions are taken should not discourage people from the physical gratification and emotional fulfillment offered by sex.

[Anna Feruglio Dal Dan]

The conveniently overlooked fact, that any medical student can easily tell you, is that yes, abortion entails some risks of sterility of death - but bringing a pregnancy to term is incomparably more dangerous. Which shouldn't discourage people to have kids - just like the far lesser risks of STDs if basic precautions are taken should not discourage people from the physical gratification and emotional fulfillment offered by sex.

[Shag from Brookline]

I remember an adage from the 1940s when I was a teenager: "Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder ... for someone else!" Okay, I made it up.

[HP]

Re. "technical virginity": A colleague of mine quit work to go to a Catholic seminary. The last time I saw him, he said he was "almost a priest." And I replied, "Really? I'm practically a monk."

I don't see how he can last long in the clergy with no sense of humor.

[bellatrys]

The opposite used to be the case - a repellent 1950s Catholic family guidebook to raising your kids into healthy adults thought that young women shouldn't be told any of the dangers of childbirth, that the unavoidable knowledge that there are some should be whitewashed as much as possible, so as not to cause brides to worry about getting pregnant! (They did think that young people, particularly girls, shouldn't be told about the mechanics of sex until as close to the wedding as possible, by the family doctor perhaps, when getting the blood test and all, but the current Xtian vogue for terrorizing was considered too explicit itself, for this publisher.)

[eb]

This is all getting a little 'Handmaid's Tale' for me...

[Miss Authoritiva]

Gosh I was so lucky. I reached middle school/high school at just the right time. Sex education was not even a concept. Hygiene class didn't go much beyond advice about washing your hands after using the toilet. And note that not a single girl in my high school ever got pregnant (but a number of them mysteriously disappeared and were never mentioned again). As I recall, in the beginning, the point of sex education classes was to give accurate, non-judgmental, age-appropriate information to students. If it's getting to be this stupid and dangerously inaccurate, let's just drop the charade -- and the funding -- from the curriculum.

[bellatrys]

Gadflyer has more details:

The curriculum also teaches: "The father gives the bride to the groom because he is the one man who has had the responsibility of protecting her throughout her life. He is now giving his daughter to the only other man who will take over this protective role."

One book in the "Choosing the Best" series presents a story about a knight who saves a princess from a dragon. The next time the dragon arrives, the princess advises the knight to kill the dragon with a noose, and the following time with poison, both of which work but leave the knight feeling "ashamed." The knight eventually decides to marry a village maiden, but did so "only after making sure she knew nothing about nooses or poison." The curriculum concludes: "Moral of the story: Occasional suggestions and assistance may be alright, but too much of it will lessen a man’s confidence or even turn him away from his princess."

(I remembered to close the tags, so carla doesn't have to smite me with the Brackets of Doom...)

[Scott]

One book in the "Choosing the Best" series presents a story about a knight who saves a princess from a dragon.

License to Thrill
...JOHN ELDREDGE’S Wild at Heart is the most substantial of the three, even if that’s not saying much. Jesus’ plan to make us happier, Wild at Heart declares, is for men to be men again. Eldredge looks around at the men in his church and describes them as "nice" and "boring." He sees them wallowing away at jobs in cubicles and at various spare-time amusements in the suburbs and insists that what’s missing is men’s specifically masculine hearts. God designed man with three great needs: a battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to save.

So how shall men recover their battling, adventuring, beauty-saving hearts? By watching lots of movies, engaging in various extreme and outdoor sports, participating in devotional exercises in which God speaks to you directly, and by having a wife who wants to be rescued by a manly man and sons who want to test their strength against their father by wrestling and pursuing games involving guns.

Eldredge refers to popular films more than any other source in his book. This is not accidental. Movies portray manly battles in a safe way. Braveheart, Gladiator, and Henry V come in for particular praise. Eldredge writes about what he "heard" from the Lord at one point in prayer: "You are Henry V after Agincourt...the man in the arena, whose face is covered with blood and sweat and dust, who strove valiantly...a great warrior...." The Lord himself is a "warrior" in Exodus and covered in blood in Isaiah, and Christians who would point to Jesus’ turning of the other cheek run the risk of being "emasculated." To show the importance of saving a beauty, Eldredge points to various James Bond and Indiana Jones films, in which getting the girl is crucial to being the hero. In all this he asks: Isn’t a few minutes of any one of these films a great deal more thrilling than a lifetime in the average church, where most men are chipper but boring, and women unloved and tired?

Eldredge refers often to Robert Bly’s Iron John, in which the sage tells mythological tales men need to recover to be men again. The problem is Bly knew he was dealing in myths, but Eldredge’s literalist approach to the Bible leads him to a confidence that his observations about manliness are etched in the words of holy writ. And this can be terribly dangerous. "That strength is so essential to men is also what makes them heroes," Eldredge writes. "If a neighborhood is safe, it’s because of the strength of men. Slavery was stopped by the strength of men, at a terrible price to them and their families. The Nazis were stopped by men. Apartheid wasn’t defeated by women.... And have we forgotten - it was a Man who let himself be nailed to Calvary’s cross." Here Eldredge demonstrates the very thing feminist theologians have warned about - masculinity is made essential to the divine life itself, and "maleness" is baptized as worthy of our worship....

[carla]

No, no; no smiting, especially not you, and not with the BoD. I merely go around closing other people's tags. Unless they REALLY annoy me, say, by using "impact" as a verb, in which case I might reconsider on the smiting thing. But still not you.

[Jon H]

"God designed man with three great needs: a battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to save."

Church Schedule:

Sunday: Morning service - 10am

Wednesday: Bingo - 7pm

Friday: Fight Club - Midnight

[The42ndGuy]

The first rule of bingo night: you do not talk about bingo night.

The second rule of bingo night: you DO NOT talk about bingo night.

[Nate]

The next time the dragon arrives, the princess advises the knight to kill the dragon with a noose, and the following time with poison, both of which work but leave the knight feeling "ashamed." The knight eventually decides to marry a village maiden, but did so "only after making sure she knew nothing about nooses or poison."

He's ashamed because his girl was smart and they made an excellent tactical-operations team, so he had to dump her? Man, what a dweeb. If I were her, next time the dragon comes back I'd be thinking about cutting a deal.

[chuckrudolph]

"Nazis were stopped by men. Apartheid wasn’t defeated by women.... "

moron (i know its quoted so not directed at you Scott)-- who started/were the Nazis, and apartheid? men....

there must be tests to prove stupidity before they let you start anything conservative

[Jake]

Who lead the french army that beat back the english? Joan of Arc.

There's also the little matter of the female membership of the frontline Soviet and VC armies during the world wars and vietnam...

And don't even get me started on "who won women the vote..."

[Lisa]

There is core of misogyny in much of this type of preaching. That's why they hate gays so much - gay men (stereotypically) behave in feminine ways and gay women (stereotypically) behave like men. And the abortion debate too - they're usually okay with abortion for rape/incest but not voluntary sex, revealing it's got nothing to do with the sanctity of life and everything to do with keeping women under control by men.

[cmb]

Secondary virginity (in a nutshell) is deciding to be sexually inactive after having once been sexually active

Does it have to have been a deliberate decision? Just asking.

[Dan]

"That strength is so essential to men is also what makes them heroes. If a neighborhood is safe, it’s because of the strength of men. Slavery was stopped by the strength of men, at a terrible price to them and their families. The Nazis were stopped by men. Apartheid wasn’t defeated by women.... And have we forgotten - it was a Man who let himself be nailed to Calvary’s cross"

All hail the Divine Male! Friedrich Niezsche shall rise again! Interestingly enough, an integral part of Nazi ideology (and to some extent, Apartheid) was the glorification of masculinity and characterising the feminine in terms of how it relates (read: subordinates itself) to the male.

And, I might add, the same kind of hyper-masculinity is currently being propagandised by the Bush administration. Power, shock and awe, overwhelming might, non-appeasement etc etc. Richard Goldstein in his article "Neo-Macho Man" (http://www.thenation.com/doc.mhtml?i=20030324&c=1&s=goldstein) writes:

"What has changed?
The short answer is 9/11. In its wake, the once-mocked figure of the dominant male has become a real-life hero. Saluting the new spirit of patriarchal vitality, People included Rumsfeld in its most recent list of the sexiest men alive. In his feckless swagger we see the timeless union of militarism and macho. Then there's Rudy Giuliani, who emerged from 9/11 as "America's mayor." His authoritarian streak has been repackaged as the mark of leadership. Like any alpha male, Rudy can confer macho on other Republicans, as he did for George Pataki in a campaign ad proclaiming New York's pallid governor "a real man." That phrase can now be uttered without a trace of irony."

So, in the new post-9/11 world, even Christ must be recast as a muscular, virile, let's-go-kick-some-God-hating-terrorist-mothers'-asses GI Joe. ("Team America - Fuck, yeah!") Granted, this process has been happening ever since the 60's. There has been some interesting discussion on the topic somewhere on this website, can't remember where exactly. But that's not bad in itself - we all expect a god to be strong, right? - as long as they don't use it as an excuse to downplay or illegitimise the so-called "feminine" side of God/religion, ie kindness, compassion, love etc.

Yet this is exactly what Eldie does. After claiming he has close personal contact with God, he then proceeds to rip apart any part of Christ's teaching that seems to oppose his warrior-centric weltenshauung. I'm pretty sure a lot of Christians would find his accusation that the 'turn the other cheek' principle (not to mention loving your neighbour) is "emasculating" somewhat offensive. I'm surprised he didn't go after Jesus' comment about wanting to gather up his people like a mother hen gathering her chicks. After all, that sounds pretty "feminine" to me.

And his solutions to the problem of these "girlie men"? Watching more violent movies? I thought Hollywood was constantly on the receiving end of complaints from the FCC, and various Christian groups for the increasing amounts of gratuitous violence, gore and brutality (to say nothing of its amorality and graphic glorification of sinful sex, eg fornication, homosexuality, autoerotism, etc). So by embracing that ethic, I suppose he's saying that its alright for Christian men to emulate that "heroic" lifestyle. Like Brad Pitt (aka Achilles), they can freely kill anyone weaker than themselves on the flimsiest of pretexts, seize any wench they like, have her as much as they like, and discard them in favour of the next willing, submissive Bond-girl.

"by having a wife who wants to be rescued by a manly man."

As a male myself, I found this rather perplexing. I can't speak for everyone of course, but none of the guys I know (except for the most domineering, who usually go to Thailand etc to find mega-quiet, submissive Asian women) find this idea particularly appealing. Sure its great to feel appreciated and needed (everyone needs their ego stroked from time to time), but good lord, who on earth wants to have to save their gf/wife/significant other 24/7 forever and ever?! Pretty exhausting I'd think. Personally, I'd prefer to be able to say goodbye to my wife in the morning and not have to spend the whole day worrying about what mess she almost certainly will be getting into that I'll have to bail her out of!

If you want someone to be utterly dependent on you, have children.

[animus]

If you want someone to be utterly dependent on you, have children.

I beg to differ: if you have a psychological need to have someone be utterly dependent on you, please do not have children.

[Dan]

Too true; I hope no one actually takes me up on that.

[Scott]

who on earth wants to have to save their gf/wife/significant other 24/7 forever and ever?!

Men like this think it gives them power because she relies totally on him; women who think like this believe it gives them power because she can make him drop everything immediately and pay attention to her. It's pretty sick all around.

[cjmr]

cmb,

In my opinion it doesn't, but the literature I've read touting secondary virginity it is definitely considered to need to be a conscious decision.

Men like this think it gives them power because she relies totally on him; women who think like this believe it gives them power because she can make him drop everything immediately and pay attention to her. It's pretty sick all around.

Yes, but can it be cured? (and i don't mean like homosexuality is "cured", those kind of half arsed solutions don't help no one, no how)

[Lisa]

"If a neighborhood is safe, it’s because of the strength of men."

WTF?

Every unsafe neighborhood in America and in the world is that way expressly because of men.

As a woman who knows what it's like to walk home in fear on city streets, that sentence makes me furious.

[Mouse]

One book in the "Choosing the Best" series presents a story about a knight who saves a princess from a dragon. The next time the dragon arrives, the princess advises the knight to kill the dragon with a noose, and the following time with poison, both of which work but leave the knight feeling "ashamed." The knight eventually decides to marry a village maiden, but did so "only after making sure she knew nothing about nooses or poison." The curriculum concludes: "Moral of the story: Occasional suggestions and assistance may be alright, but too much of it will lessen a man’s confidence or even turn him away from his princess."

The Princess then proceeds to laugh her ass off when the dragon returns and decides to snack on both the Knight and his maiden.

[Scott]

"Moral of the story: Occasional suggestions and assistance may be alright, but too much of it will lessen a man’s confidence or even turn him away from his princess."

Yea, it's not easy to claim Lordship and Headship over a woman who is clearly so much better at decisionmaking than Our Manly Evangelical. Better find an idiot.

[Dan]

I wonder what these people think of Joan of Arc (the actual one, not that stupid TV show)? Not only was she unsubmissive to the men around her, she actually told them what to do! And personally brought about the most spectacular reversal of fortune for the French (at least for a while). Nutshell: she did in 5 years what the "manly men" couldn't do in the previous 50.

So of course, she had to be burned.

But I suppose Catholics don't go to heaven, eh?

[Michelle]

This abstinence issue is a hot button topic. I have been researching the issue, and its hard to know for sure if these programs are working or not. There are people who swear up and down that they can work and are working, and then there are those who say they are potentially dangerous (abstinence only programs) because they are not pushing contraception. What bothers me is that I wonder if we are getting the real facts, or if this is just a battle over sex Ed funding on both sides?

As for speaking for myself. I am abstinent and am well into my adulthood. I have never had sex, so to say it's impossible for people to wait is a little one sided. I am sure that is not a choice everyone would make, but we can't assume that all people will wait or not wait. It's an individual decision. I don't think that abstinence programs in general are going to harm anyone if they are quality ones. Just like with any sex education program it depends on what you are talking about. Not all abstinence programs are the same.

[sophia8]

Just like with any sex education program it depends on what you are talking about. Not all abstinence programs are the same.
I certainly hope they're not like the ones I've been reading about. Those use the technique of frightening the kids with scare-stories about the horrors of having sex - AIDs, pregnancy, infertility etc, instead of the benefits of behaving responsibly and tackling relationships in an adult manner.
The problem is, it's hard to stop most teenagers from having sex (this doesn't apply to you, Michelle, I know, but everyone is different). At my Catholic school in the 60s, with no sex education at all and with promises of dammation if you so much as thought about sex, no less than three of my female classmates (out of a group of ten girls) got pregnant at 15.
Go ask your mother, Michelle, or your grandmother, or any of your elderly female relatives how many girls they knew got pregnant, in spite of heavy social and religious pressures against premarital sex.