Hermeneutics

Our Text:

So this gorilla walks into a bar. The gorilla slaps a $10 bill on the counter and says, "Give me a beer."

Bartender figures what does a gorilla know? So he gives him the beer, but only gives him $1 in change. It's a slow night, though, so the bartender figures he should make some conversation. "We don't get many gorillas in here," he says.

Gorilla says, "Yeah, well at $9 a beer I'm not surprised."

The Fundamentalist Interpretation

(Fundamentalists read the text literally. This means they adhere as closely as possible to the simplest, most obvious reading of its meaning.)

The talking gorilla indicates that the great apes, perhaps all beasts, once were able to speak. This, like the great longevity of the early patriarchs, seems incomprehensible to us. Yet the text says it is so, so therefore it is so.

How is it that gorillas could speak? How is it that Methuselah could live to the ripe old age of 969? Those of you who have been attending our Wednesday night Bible study series, "Six Days; 6,000 Years Ago," already know the answer to these questions.

In Matthew 24:38, Jesus says that, "in the days that were before the flood they were eating and drinking ..." Our story is set in a bar, a place designated for eating and drinking, so we can conclude that it takes place "in the days that were before the flood."

Please note, however, that this was not what we today understand as the sin of drinking. The "beer" in our text is not the alcoholic beverage we think of today, just as the "wine" the Bible speaks of is not what we think of as wine. (Drinking wine is a sin. Jesus was without sin. Jesus drank "wine." Therefore "wine" is not wine.) The "beer" the story speaks of thus was probably a nonalcoholic drink similar to malta.

In the days that were before the flood, the earth was still protected by the great vapor canopy, or "firmament" (Genesis 1:6-8, KJV only, of course). This canopy shielded the earth, protecting the grandchildren of Adam and Eve and allowing them to live much longer than humans can today without the benefit of its protection. Creation scientists have posited that another consequence of this canopy may have been that, um, gorillas could talk. They lost this ability of speech after God unleashed the canopy, creating the Great Flood.

Public schools refuse to acknowledge that gorillas could ever speak. This is an example of the persecution that we face as believers.

The Premillennial Dispensationalist Interpretation

(Premillennial dispensationalists also consider their interpretation of the text to be literal, but they also believe that we must "rightly divide" the word of truth [see 1 Tim. 2:15]. The dispensational approach provides a key -- a kind of codebreaker -- for interpreting the text, which is explained in simple charts like this one.)

The meaning of this passage is made clear through its use of the number nine: 9 = 3 + 6, or three sixes, or 666. The bartender thus clearly represents the Antichrist, who gives this number to the gorilla, or Beast.

The beer represents the alcoholic wine consumed by the apostate church of Rome. The $10 presented by the gorilla represents the 10 kings of the rebuilt Roman Empire, also represented by the 10 horns of the Beast described in Revelation 13:1. The apostle John, of course, would never have seen a gorilla firsthand and thus could not known what to call this Beast, but consider the description John provides in Revelation 13:2: "The beast I saw resembled a leopard, but had feet like those of a bear [i.e., Soviet Russia] and a mouth like that of a lion." That sounds very much like a gorilla (or, perhaps, a gorilla in a leopard suit).

Thus our text makes it clear that the Antichrist is none other than the Roman Pope and that his servant is Leonid Brezhnev Saddam Hussein.

I have read that in many bars and restaurants in places like New York City it is not uncommon for patrons to be charged $9 for a beer. Such prices were unheard of before the recreation of the state of Israel in 1948.

The signs therefore are clear: We are living in the Last Days. Even now, the Bartender and his servant the Gorilla are preparing for a one-world government and a New World Order that will mark the beginning of the Tribulation.

Comments

[Swan]

god, this is fucking funny

[pharoute]

"9 = 3 + 6, or three sixes, or 666."

Fred, I don't get it. 9 is three threes not three sixes or were you pointing out the flim flam tactics used in interpreting the Bible?

[Lookit The Happy Monkey]

Bet Revelations has a knock knockl joke in there somewhere...

[Mr Ripley]

Oddly, this is a version of a joke I first heard as involving Jesus in a deli. That one ends,
"I must say, Rabbi, I never expected to see You in my store."
"And with these prices, you can never expect to see Me again."
Not being a Christian, I never before realized how menacing that last line is . . .

[Peatey]

KJV only, of course

Haha, classic.

[zalm]

The gorilla was in the bar on a "slow night." 1 Thessalonians 5 clearly states that "the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night." Later, the very same chapter states that "those who get drunk, get drunk at night."

This is all falling into place.

Someone better update the Rapture Index.

[Caleb]

This is funny. Very funny. My favorite part of the "chart" you link to is the note in the upper right hand corner that it is only "roughly drawn to scale."

[luminous beauty]

Reminds me of the story of the zealous young teacher who got a job in a rural southern high school. His proposal to initiate a program to study the classical languages; Latin, Greek and Hebrew, fell apart when at an open hearing of the school board an elderly woman stood up, waving her Bible, and said "If English was good enough for our Lord, it's good enough for our kids".

I'd like to hear a Theological exegesis of this one:

Man overheard talking to himself, nurturing a drink at a bar: "When a man spends his life building bridges they don't call him 'John, the Bridge Builder; or if he devotes his career to medicine they don't call him 'John the Healer', but you fuck one goat..."

[John Casey]

Ok, I'm doomed. I studied that chart for a good 5, 10 minutes, but it's clear I can never become enough of a whack-job to believe there is any truth to it whatsoever. And yet there are lots who are. Funny, that.

[Emma Goldman]

This is even better (or worse, really) than LB. Thanks, Fred; this is enlightening, and, therefore, helpful for us atheists. I'd've never guessed someone could do this with a straight face, much less make a chart like that one.

[becky]

But my bible says that it was a penquin who walked into a bar...

[Darryl Pearce]

All, I really, really, really appreciate the bible study that goes on here.

..but if we have to take the bible literally, then a great bear's going to attack us? I'm really looking forward to that seven-headed dragon coming out of the water.

[animus]

...but if we have to take the bible literally, then a great bear's going to attack us?

That'll teach you to make fun of a bald man...

[Jason]

Someone should tell the folks over at ICR (Institute for Creation Research) that just because you footnote an article doesn't mean it is a scholarly work...

Thanks for the laugh on an otherwise ho-hum evening...

grace and peace

[bellatrys]

Dammit Fred, you need to put beverage warnings before you do things like this! Sheesh!

(I'm still waiting for the Evangelical exegesis of the bawdy jokes in the NT, and why the Last Supper in John has so much in common with the Last Symposium of Socrates...)

[chuck]

Are people still saying that the pope is the Antichrist? They have been calling the Pope the Antichrist since Xystus was Pope and Trajan (oops) Hadrian was his servant!!!

[Chris_uk]

"The beast I saw resembled a leopard, but had feet like those of a bear [i.e., Soviet Russia] and a mouth like that of a lion."

Obviously they prophecise an alliance between China (ITS A TIGER NOT A LEOPARD) Russia, and the UK (or possibly all of Europe, UK being the most militant country in Europe)

Obviously these three are going to oppose Christ (in his second coming - for now we'll just call this second coming of Christ 'Bush' so as to avoid any confusion)

Either there will be a war between Bush and this great alliance, more than likely down to their opposing the will of God in the UN....

At which point the armies of Good/peace/democracy will fight the war to end all wars against the evil tyrants (aka non americans)

And all will be put to flame

The three horseman, are ofcourse symbolic.

War is obvious

Pestilence implies that Bio weapons will be deployed at some point in the war

Famine will occur when the GM seed factories are destroyed (the latest crops are unable to self germinate... without a constant seed supply no crops/no food.)

[Martin Wisse]

And of course the "disappearance of Soviet Russia is just a trick of the Devil, to make it more difficult for earnest studiers of the Bible to predict the Endtimes.

Fortunately, those who study hard know that Soviet Russia is still there and just pretended to fall apart to lull Righteous America into sleep.

[Andy]

Just found your blog -- that was fantastic.

[Darryl Pearce]

Daniel had a dream and visions of his head as he lay in his bed.

So..., um, er, uh--if we're supposed to take the Bible literally, Daniel had a dream and visions. Why are we supposed to be so excited about all this again?

[Ol Cranky]

All interpretations neglected to mention that Gorilla's obviously do not approve of Yuppies as they do not appreciate paying $9 for a $2 beer. Whatever happenned to the inerrancy of the Gorilla joke?

[Don]

I suppose you were able to gather some amount of reader satisfaction from your "joke" analogy. One could easily have picked any number of jokes and applied them with reasonale success to the literal translation of God's Word. Having traveled that road, one could just as easily taken another side road where comparitive limricks or nursery stories could easily nullify specific truths from God's Word. From there we simply make a right turn to fictional stories that deny the infallability of God's Word and from there...

Your adaptative story, while amuseing, doesn't change the true meaning written within God's Word. Many have attempted to make the Bible say what they want. Religion has added or removed scripture to better present their agenda. But, in reality, God's Word is plainly written and easily understood to everyone who wishes to hear the Word again for the first time.

[Kyle]

"Public schools refuse to acknowledge that gorillas could ever speak. This is an example of the persecution that we face as believers."

Beautiful. Your parody is dead-on.

[Bud Woods]

I love this. You are hero of mine, now.

[it_is_finished]

Two Jews walk into a bar. One of them orders a cold beer. The other orders Kedem grape soda. The bar is in Israel so they have it but no one orders it except children. So the bartender asks this person, who is in his thirties, why he wants grape soda. The man says he's on the wagon. The bartender offers him water but he wants the grape soda. He gets the grape soda. Then he asks for some pretzels. The bartender asks him what he wants with the pretzels. The man said that his brother just joined the Jews for Jesus. At this point his wife asks him to read from the Bible. So he says, "Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die," and eats the pretzels and the grape soda. If memory serves, this was told by a rabbi, and the moral of the story, he said, was not to think it's the end of the world just because your brother thinks that Arafat is the devil himself: try to relax religiously.

[Zencomix]

"Ninety-nine Nine Dollar beers on the wall,
Ninety-nine Nine dollar beers,
take one down and pass it around...

[Aponi]

OMG I am sooooooooooooo LOL & BTW I sent this link to a TON of Gorillas I know ! ROFLMAO

[Aponi]

O JFYI on the 666, I think if you turn it upside down you will get the 999 :)

[dave heasman]

"But, in reality, God's Word is plainly written and easily understood to everyone who wishes to hear the Word again for the first time"

This is the sort of Bible exegesis that we heathens think typical.
"hear the Word again for the first time", eh?
So to understand basic Christianity we have to give up any common understanding of the meaning of words, cause & effect, the concept of one thing happening before another.....
There's nothing left except the rattling.

[John_E_B]

In my Evangelical childhood in Britain, we were told that when Jesus had a drink of "wine", it was just like when we had a cup of tea. (Given the number of cups of tea drunk per day by Brits, Jesus must have been three sheets to the wind most of the time, a hypothesis that I don't recall having ever seen seriously examined).

Back then, the Antichrist/Pope of Rome's servant was Kamel Nasser. We were already on to the Arabs. Can you imagine that Ike made us and the French pull out of Suez? (Compare and contrast with today...) However, Ike couldn't be the Beast or anything, because he was American.

By the way, the ten horns of the Beast were the Ten Arab Nations. (What Ten Arab Nations? Don't interrupt).

[Gus]

Nice work, Fred. These people are obviously not right in the head...

Don, you wrote:
Many have attempted to make the Bible say what they want. Religion has added or removed scripture to better present their agenda. But, in reality, God's Word is plainly written and easily understood to everyone who wishes to hear the Word again for the first time.

If various stuff has been added/removed, how do we know which parts are legit and which parts are fraudulent? To me, that makes the whole thing suspect...

http://earthcitizen.blogspot.com

[pablo]

I've never understood how the fundamentalist can be so literal with everything except Revelation. Suddenly they're able to grasp the concept of metaphor and determine that the monster with 10 horns is not literally an animal with 10 horns.

[Ol Cranky]

Don:

You neglect the fact that there have been multiple changes in the bible over the ages. What you read in your KJV or NIV is notthe original text as written. The bible has beewn written, re-written, rearranged and translated over the years. The OT that Jesus used is different than the Christian OT. The Torah (the first 5 books) were
"written with no punctuation, no sentences, just letters in a row, and therefore could, in theory, be divided up into words and sentences in a way other than the way we traditionally divide it up. The Torah would then be read in a way that is substantially different from the way in which it is traditionally read, communicating other meanings, other messages, other truths." [the Rambam]

There have been changes made to the text through copying and translation (some intentional to change meaning and some creative to make the book more "poetic").

Even if the individual books were complete and accurate as originally written, the bibles you read today are not 100% true to the original text and therfor are not inerrant.

[John_E_B]

dave heasman, Gus, pablo, Ol Cranky, your rational arguments are fine, but they won't touch Don. He is shut away in a bubble where he knows what the right bible is, and he knows how to read it.

He's wrong, of course. I am The One Who Knows The Truth (TOWKTT).

Fred speaks in error of a gorilla, and becky of a penquin (becky, what version are you using? RV? RSV? Don't you mean penguin?) Others speak foolishly of a parrot. TOWKTT can reveal that, in fact, the animal concerned is an octopus.

So this octopus goes into a pub in Scotland and is sitting over a pint when a man in a kilt deposits a fine set of tartan-suited bagpipes on the seat next to it.

The octopus, who's had a few, eyes the bagpipes for a moment, then makes a grab for them, wrapping its tentacles around them and wrestling with the different, complicated parts of the instrument.

"Och aye, laddie!" says the owner of the bagpipes (for he is a Scot, which I bet you hadn't guessed), "Och aye, laddie, ye cannae git to play it like that!"

"Play it, bollocks!" says the octopus. "If I can get its pyjamas off, I'm going to fuck it!"

What can we learn from this? First, that the octopus is not American. Americans, at the time of this story, (TOWKTT can use historical perspective -- when it suits him), said pajamas and not pyjamas (yes, TOWKTT can do textual criticism too -- when it suits him). The octopus' intent is also particularly sinfully lecherous. So the octopus is probably an Arab and is therefore eligible for being the Beast. Now, clearly, an octopus *is* a beast, living generally, when not in bars, under the sea. Revelation 13:1 tells us the Beast rose up from the sea.

Need I remind you that an octopus has ten tacles? (A tacle is, um, a sort of horn).

So the octopus is the Beast.

Now to the interesting bit. Who is the owner of the bagpipes? It's a well-known fact that all Scotsmen wear kilts with nothing underneath. Take a look around the world and think (TOWKTT can appeal to general knowledge too -- when it suits him): where will you find another man in a skirt with no underwear on? Obviously, the answer is in Rome, where a cardinal has to take a peek up there to be sure of the candidate's masculinity before pronouncing habemus papam.

So the man in the kilt is the Pope, aka Antichrist.

And the bagpipes? We are told that the bagpipes are finely suited in tartan, and Revelation 17:4 tells us that the great whore "was arrayed in purple and scarlet".

So the bagpipes are the Whore of Babylon.

What does all this mean, you may ask? (As well you may). That the Great Whore got raped by the Beast in a Scottish pub while the Pope looked on?

Well, no, not exactly. Just that the great tragic chaos of human history is in fact to be explained by a narrative to which I have the key, and therefore feel less lost and helpless.

If there were a God, Don, I'd pray to him to bless you with understanding.

TOWKTT

[it_is_finished]

A grouse walks into a bar in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge full of riggers and orders a beer. "What kind?", says the bartender. "The one with the moose on the cover", says the grouse. He gets a Labatt's and the riggers start shouting "You ain't even human. What do you want with being drunk?" The ammo of the assembled company is collected at the door, to make sure no one ruins the indoor weather in an upsetting moment, so the grouse doesn't go into the pot. He instead starts talking about how the world of nature is red in tooth and claw. Someone sees his spurs and tries to wrestle him, hoping to start a betting ring, but the grouse flies away. At this point President Bush starts talking via satellite hookup, and one of his advisors whispers in his ear. He says, "You know, that bird reminds me of the American Eagle. Say hoo-rah." The veterans quit the Army for this, but they say hoo-rah all right. Then President Bush's advisor tells him, "And that's how the freedom-loving people of the world got across the Sea of Reeds. Darn thing froze up."

[just sayin']

John E B: I'm sorry to say you're in error about the octopus. Squid have tentacles; however, the last time I counted an octopus only had eightacles.

[John_E_B]

just sayin', I'm afraid you're a mechanistic empiricist. To say the least.

[jc2]

the number 666 represents the planet, the planet has a 12000 year cycle. the myan count gives 2012 as the end of this cycle. the number 9 is a heavenly number and so it represents hell together they make 18. 18 x 666 = 11988. 12 years short of 12000. 2012 - 12 = 2000. the start of the end of days. have fun.

[Alcohol Recovery Insight]

Maybe the author of 1st Thessalonians 5 got it all wrong when he or she stated that "those who get drunk, get drunk at night." Talk to most “good alcoholics” and they will tell you that they start drinking as soon as they awaken :-)

[Alcohol Treatment Info]

If the Antichrist is the Pope and his servant is Saddam Hussein, now that Saddam Hussein is dead, who is the new “servant”?

[Alcohol Awareness]

An octopus, a bear, and a grouse go into a bar…you guys are fricken hilarious!