Rev. Jerry Falwell: 1933-2007

I'm unfortunately going to be away from the computer for a bit due to some sad news closer to home, but we shouldn't let the passing of the Rev. Jerry Falwell pass without comment here.

So consider this an open thread based on the editorial cartoonists' time-honored trope of the Pearly Gates scene: What's the biggest surprise awaiting the Rev. Falwell in the hereafter?

Comments

[cjmr]

St. Peter is Catholic.

[JPL]

Okay, cmjr wins this thread. Everybody go home.

[M Groesbeck]

Given his homophobia, red-baiting, misogyny and opposition to the civil rights movement? I think Audre Lorde is going to have to have a long talk with him before he's allowed into the general population.

[LL]

That there isn't one.

[cminus]

cjmr wins.

For those of us in the running for second, may I quote from South Park: "I'm afraid it was the Mormons. Yes, the Mormons were the correct answer. So now I'd like to quickly introduce your new ruler and master for eternity, Satan!"

[Joshua]

This.

[Cary Bleasdale]

Hearing the Devil say "Bend over, Babycheeks!" and having to hope that he means Charles Coughlin.

[Falwell Fanboy]

All I know is this proves once and for all there is no Hell, since there wasn't a giant sizzling sound yesterday afternoon.

[Chris_C]

72 Virgin Grooms.

[85% Duane]

God is a yellow-dog Democrat.

[85% Duane]

.. with a "Hillary For President" right out front.

[Tatemae]

God is a lesbian.

[Steve]

Guess who God's favorite teletubbie is?

[85% Duane]

Ya know, it's slightly OT but with this 24/7 cable and network non-stop Falwell coverage it deserves to be asked:

Why did God strike Jerry Falwell dead?

What awful sin was Jerry Falwell engaged in that required the Lord to step in and smite him? I know many of you think that such speculation is beyond the pale, but this provides us with an opportunity to figure out what really sets God off so we can make sure we don't go there.

I want one or two journalists to step up to the plate and ask the tough question to Falwell's associates: "God struck down the Twin Towers because Rosie O'Donnell engaged in cunnilingus with her girlfiend. Why did God strike down Mr. Falwell?"

[Bugmaster]

Any bets on what Jerry Falwell would be reincarnated as ? My bets are on the HIV virus.

[cjmr]

A dung beetle maybe? He was good at scraping up shit on people/things...

[Richard Hershberger]

That Christ died for all, not just fundamentalist Protestants.

[Dave]

God is real, and She's a big Ellen DeGeneres fan.

[Jeff]

The long drop to the Nether Regions

[Jesurgislac]

I think it's going to be when he gets let into Heaven (because God's charity is infinite) and sees John the Beloved Disciple and Jesus still together after two thousand years.

Because I think that for those who hate so much they want to believe God hates where they hate, to find that God sees their hatred as deserving of forgiveness, but love as deserving of celebration, would make, for them, a hell of heaven.

[A Texan in Bavaria]

Molly Ivins and Ann Richards, smokin' some ciggies, havin' a beer, keepin' an eye on things while St. Peter makes a thunderstorm somewhere.

(sorry, cjmr still wins)

[A Texan in Bavaria]

But Jesurgislac put forth a compelling challenger.

[ako]

He's getting reincarnated. As a poor Mexican girl with a genetic propensity for lesbianism.

[Dave Lartigue]

I illustrated it:

http://www.legomancer.net/gfx/2007/falwell.jpg

[Jill Smith]

I agree, cjmr definitely wins, but I humbly submit:

He has to watch Fred Phelps picket his funeral for being insufficiently hateful while he was alive.

[Vermic]

The size of the fangs on Fek'lhr, once Jerry reaches the gates of Gre'Thor with the rest of the dishonored dead.

[John H.]

The biggest surprise will be when he gets up to heaven (which isn't nearly so exclusive as he thinks) and shown a brief glimpse of the true wonder and mystery of life.

The shock of it will probably make his poor little departed soul go mad.

[Brandi]

I'm pretty partial to this answer.

[Greg]

72 virgins, the catch is their all male.

[Raka]

Early exit poll results: cjmr for teh win, Chris_C for the funny-and-brevose, 85%Duane for the brilliant petard-hoisting, and jesu for her trademark thoughtful loathing.

[Penny]

The truth.

[AM Donkey]

Reagan playing cards and drinking scotch with FDR and JFK. Jer is amazed that Ronnie pretends to not know who he is.

[Steve M.]

He's not in anyone's Rolodex.

[Matt T.]

When I was a kid and still believed (or thought I did, anyway), the idea of Hell used to worry me to no end. I wasn't too bothered about going (and for various reasons, as long as I believed in Hell, I was sure I would be going), but it upset me terribly to think that there was actually a place of pain and torment and fear and torture where Bad People were sent when they died. I was raised fairly conservative Freewill Baptist, so "Bad People" included not only your child murderers and your dictators and your bullies and your pagans, but also your Jews and your Buddhists and your followers of native religions and your scientists. According to an aunt of mine, "Bad People" also included your Catholics and most of your Christians who weren't at least Southern Baptists, but she was rare one in my family and no one liked her anyway.

Still, I had the worst time with the idea that everyone who wasn't a Christian - that is, someone who'd accepted Jesus as their personal savior, acknowledged He died on the Cross for our sins and rose again, and that God has a plan for us all - was going to burn in a lake of fire for all eternity. With Hitler and Stalin and Jack The Ripper and my drunken grandfather and Socrates and Ghandi and Hank Williams and Elvis and rabbis and Groucho Marx and tribesmen in Africa who'd never even heard of Jesus. A few of my peers would tell you that no one but white people got into heaven and more than one told me only Americans got in. One old coot in my little rural community told me flat out that only Southerners will get to go to heaven, and he was serious as a heart attack.

That all bothered me to no end, even the lightest of it, all non-Christians condemned along with the most evil men in history to ever-lasting torment. No one could give me a satisfactory answer that'd put my mind to ease. Not my mother, not my uncle the church brother, not my friend the preacher's son, not the preacher himself, no one. They all told me it was God's plan, God's will, and I could never hope to understand it. I didn't even like to think of a man like Hitler, who epitomized the very idea of evil in human form to me, burning forever with no release. Forever's a long, long time. 'Cause once you're in Hell, that's it. That's what I was told.

In my teen years, I learned that Christianity was much deeper and richer than the tale I was told. I got a tenuous grip on Spinoza and Kierkegaard, and learned more about Catholocism and the history of the Church and the schisms that formed Protestanism and Eastern Orthodox Christianity. I learned more about Islam, Judaism, and Buddhism, and then those oddly familiar old Middle Eastern faiths like Zoroastarism and Manichaism. I learned about Diogones and Zeno and the "graceful life" philosophies. I actually read the Bible, front to back.

I decided what I'd been taught all my life was wrong, and if there was an ominipotent, omnibenevolent God, then there could be no hell. Looking back on it, I think that might've been the first intellectual step I took towards my eventual atheism. There were emotional pushes in that direction - senseless deaths of loved ones, fear of nuclear holocaust, good ol' teen angst - but I wouldn't base something as serious as an ontological world view on what could, in my case, be chalked up to rather severe mood swings.

I said all that to say all this, though. As much as it used to bother me that non-Christians would burn forever in agony, the idea that some of the Christians I knew who'd done, for all I knew, all there was to do to call yourself one yet were such complete sons of bitches were going to Heaven also sat poorly with me. And that's what I was told, too. Good works are fine and you should do 'em (as long as anyone's watching), but unless you've been washed in the Blood, you ain't going. It just didn't matter.

It's a question I could answer, and now I no longer have to answer the question. But I am curious - and I apologize for my rambling way of getting here, but I figured it'd save time in the long run - how actual Christians feel about the possible spiritual destination of someone like Jerry Falwell. Do you think he didn't believe he was saved? Do you think he had doubts about the state of his soul? I know it's between him and Jesus, but from what I was taught at little Hopewell Baptist Church in Evergreen, Misssissippi, Jerry Falwell's with the Lord now.

And if he isn't, if his faith was untrue or if his actions damned him despite his professed devotion to Jesus' word, and if he crossed over the River Styx yesterday afternoon...and again, I know it's between Falwell and God...I don't know, I just wonder what it's like for a Christian to see a hell-bound soul and knowing it went claiming to speak for God.

[Matt T.]

Oh, and for what's worth, I'm not trying to bust anybody's chops, inre: their reaction to Falwell's death. Occurred to me it might look that way, but I'm not. The guy's taking up dirtspace somewhere in Virginia that could be used for, I don't know, a good book store, and that's that in my opinion. Plus, I don't wish harm on no one, but I'm glad that font of hate is silent and just wish it could've been done 20 years ago. Just the quieting part, that is, not the death part. Maybe Jerry could've had a Road to Damascus moment and lightened the hell up after smoking a joint with Johnny Cash and Billy Graham*.

Frankly, the guy got to spread hate nearly unchecked for nearly half a century and died in comfort and warmth at the ripe, old age of 73. And know that cat never had to wonder where his next meal would come from. Cosmic justice, sure.

* Nod to Bro. Dave Gardner

[DN]

"AIDS is the wrath of a just God against homosexuals." -- Jerry Falwell

"Next he will say to those on his left hand, 'Go away from me, with your curse upon you, to the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angles. For I was [...] sick [...] and you never visited me.' Then it will be their turn to ask, 'Lord, when did we see you [...] sick [...], and did not come to your help?' Then he will answer, 'I tell you solemnly, in so far as you neglected to do this to one of the least of these, you neglected to do it to me.' And they will go away to eternal punishment [...]" -- The Gospel according to St. Matthew

[Angelika]

Matt T. But I am curious - ...- how actual Christians feel about the possible spiritual destination of someone like Jerry Falwell. ... I know it's between him and Jesus

You just expressed it: 'It's between him and Jesus.' As a Christian I'm well enough occupied following Christ, that I'm more than happy to leave the judging business to God.

I can't say I'm happy, when a person promotes actions and sentiments, which I consider sinful, in the name of the Lord - and if that person is alive and within my reach, I tend to argue with him/her. However, of people who are dead and gone, I prefer to stick to the ancient rule: De absentibus nihil nisi bene.

[Jesurgislac]

DN: Next he will say to those on his left hand, 'Go away from me, with your curse upon you, to the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angles.

Because geometry is unholy, or because Saxons are?

[cjmr]

*splorfle* Darn you, Jesu, I nearly hit the keyboard with that! *goes to fetch rag!*

[ClintonJ]

A one way ticket to a city in Hell where all people are treated equally called LYNCHburg.

[ohiolibrarian]

No Rapture for you!

[Rusty Shackleford]

Heaven discriminates against Baptists and he has to ask the ACLU for help.

[Izunya]

That he, Jerry Falwell, was gay.

Izunya

[Cary Bleasdale]

"Go away from me, with your curse upon you, to the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angles."

Soo...the devil is a multi-plane-ar being?

Sorry, couldn't resist.

[Battie]

Hatred like Falwell's is born out of fear. I hope his greatest surprise in heaven is the discovery of a God who is infinitely more loving and gracious than we could ever imagine, and that he can finally put aside his fears and celebrate with joy the presence of everyone he never expected to meet there.

[Salamanda]

Ooo. I'd like to nominate Rusty as a finalist.

[Steve]

His roommate? MLK.

[Steve]

Reading this thread I'm reminded of the following joke:
Just inside the gates of heaven, St. Peter sits at a desk checking people in.

Peter: "Welcome to heaven. What religion?"

The man at the front of the line says, "Lutheran."

Glancing at his clipboard, Peter says, "Room 33. Be very quiet as you pass room 6."

The process repeats itself with the next person in line:

Peter: "Welcome to heaven. What religion?"

Person #2: "Catholic."

Peter: "Room 17. Be very quiet as you pass room 6."

The next person moves to the front of the line with a look of curiosity on her face.

Peter: "Welcome to heaven. What religion?"

Person #3: "Methodist."

Peter: "Room 54. Be very quiet as you pass room 6."

Person #3: "Why do you keep telling us to be quiet as we pass room 6?"

Peter: "Because the Baptists are in room 6, and they think they're the only ones here."

[85% Duane]

His roommate? MLK.

Oooh. That one is good enough for second place. Hell, I'd be willing to give it a "separate but equal" first place.

[Jesurgislac]

But what did Martin Luther King ever do that he should be punished by having Jerry Falwell as his roommate?

I think "His roommate? Mike Tyson" would be funnier.