Thank you

Every year, on their wedding anniversary, my friend Allen Johnson gives his wife a giant pile of manure.

What you need to understand is that Mrs. J. is an avid gardener and their anniversary is in the early spring. So every year she greets this steaming, foul-smelling truckload with gratitude and delight.

I too am feeling gratitude and delight for the giant, foul-smelling pile that arrived yesterday courtesy of Evan, who kindly sent along Books 2 through 8 in the Left Behind series, ensuring that I will be able to continue my tour of the World's Worst Books for decades to come.

Thank you, Evan. I will try, like Mrs. Johnson, to put this fecund truckload to good and productive use.

Comments

[Geds]

Have you checked to see if this Evan character is trying to slowly kill you, Mr. Clark?

[Zingo Stertch]

I imagine that about the time you start into book eight we will have reached the point were we can't feel the pain anymore. La Chiffre could only whack Bond in the nuts so many times before James just went to his happy place.

I raise my glass to you, sir. You are truly a hero.

[Jeff]

Yay, a steaming pile of books, coverered in snark!

[damnedyankee]

I'm conflicted. On one hand, I'm thinking "Yay! Left Behind Fridays extending long into the horizon!"

On the other hand, I'm thinking "Poor Fred. Poor, poor, Fred."

[Raka]

It's legal to send that through the mail?!

[B-W]

So, we'll be getting to book 2.... in 2009?

(I'd have said later, but note that, according to the page numbers listed, we're actually amazingly in the home stretch for Book 1. Still, given that there are some 50 pages to go, and it's taken nearly 4 years to get through the first 300, another full year or so for the remaining pages seems about right.)

[the opoponax]

maybe once we're finished with Book 1, you could just skip to choice sections of the remaining books? having read up through book 9 or 10, i have to say things get pretty ho-hum after awhile.

[LMM]

Hm. If the opoponax's suggestion is followed, maybe we could have a secondary guest blogger, to provide summaries for those of us who don't want to slog through the book to figure out the context of the good parts?

[Jesurgislac]

Fred, you're a hero. Evan, if anyone tries to sue you for sending sh*t through the mail, we'll lie you an alibi. It wasn't you, you weren't there, someone else must have done it.

Drinks owed to both, if you're ever in my neck of the woods.

(Actually, I owe Fred so many drinks for his masterly MST3King of Left Behind, that I probably ought not to wait. Fred, what's your poison?)

[Lila]

May I add mine to the list of standing invitations? Fred, if you're ever in my neck of the woods (Athens GA), I'll happily stand you drinks and/or dinner.

[The Old Maid]

It'd have to be a very dedicated secondary blogger. I've only written up three volumes (not in order) and that's exhausting enough.

[Michele]

I actually read 4 or 5 of the books when they came out. Most of the books after #1 spend a good deal of time explaining the stuff that happened in the previous book(s) ["Last week on 'LEFT BEHIND'..."], so they shouldn't take as long to get through.

[Ursula L]

So, we'll be getting to book 2.... in 2009?

(I'd have said later, but note that, according to the page numbers listed, we're actually amazingly in the home stretch for Book 1. Still, given that there are some 50 pages to go, and it's taken nearly 4 years to get through the first 300, another full year or so for the remaining pages seems about right.)

Well, Left Behind Fridays only became a weekly event in April of 2005, so it is more like two years to get this far. Seventy pages in the first year and a half, 200+ in the next two years. Almost 9 pages a month since then, and reading more than that at once would probably constitute cruel and unusual punishment!

Cheers, and another offer for a drink-of-your-choice for Fred if he's ever in this neck of the woods.

[KevinWC]

Fred, here's one more invitation for a beverage of your choice if you find your way to my neck of the woods--now Tabernacle, NJ--or if I catch up with you in the land of Pennsyltucky.

Your LB Fridays are one of the best reasons to be happy about the arrival of the weekend!

BTW--check your e-mail, and tell me whether you're interested in the job. :-)

[Rob Rodger]

Man, there's only 50 pages or so left? That asstounds me... I'm just going by what I've read here, but surely an actual theme or coflict should have arisen. I mean, I guess there could be one that's not apparent from the discussion here, but shouldn't we be in the midst of the exciting climax?

[Jon H]

Hey Fred,

If it gets too much for you, you should get in touch with Chris Sims who has a comic blog at www.the-isb.com.

He does great stick-figure recaps of (mostly bad) comics. It'd be great to see a stick-figure recap of a Left Behind chapter, along with discussion of religious points by you.

[Jon H]

"Fred, what's your poison?"

Um, clearly, it's LaHaye and Jenkins.

[Drak Pope]

Something tells me that Evan has a hefty insurance policy on Mr. Clark.

[the opoponax]

Pennsyltucky?

I thought Fred lived in the part of Delaware that's in the Philadelphia metro? Which is probably closer to Tabernacle, NJ, than it is to Kentucky, as Philly and Trenton share commuter rail systems, and it's under 2 hours from NYC.

[the opoponax]

Also, Fred, if you're ever in Brooklyn, I believe I owe you one as well. Or anywhere in NYC, really.

[Evan]

Aww, thanks for the acknowledgment. ^_^ Hopefully the smell of bullshit didn't overwhelm you ~_^ and trust me, it gets pretty nasty. Books 3 and 4 onward have this insane setup for the vindication of killing by Christians.

That especially disgusts me since I've been into a manga fandom for some years where the "forced to kill despite very strong non-killing beliefs" thing actually played out very well as a major plot feature and part of the psychodrama. LaHaye and Jenkins disposed with it in almost less than a paragraph and without even much drama. Which makes me think their beliefs' stance against killing isn't that strong, or that they simply really suck as writers. Of course, the competition I'm putting them up against severely pwns them at everything from drama to character development (as in it's like a level 70 warrior against a couple of level one mages), but still. . . ugh.

[mcc]

(as in it's like a level 70 warrior against a couple of level one mages)

Technically, aren't they clerics?

[Evan]

Yeah, you're probably right. Though for some reason now I see them as troll rogues: entirely unequipped for their chosen profession, rather easily defeated as a result, yet (if the player is dumb enough) unable to get that they need to reroll. (is a WoW geek here)

[Francis]

Technically, aren't they clerics?

Rogues or perhaps bards. They've just been able to convince a disturbing number of people that they are clerics...

[Francis]

And I wish that they were defeated easily. They have managed to sell millions of copies of their crap - which counts as success on their scales.

(And mark me down as another offer of a drink).

[patter]

At least Mrs Johnson's gift turns into something beautiful. Evan's, on the other hand, eventually will have to be removed to a toxic waste site.

[aunursa]

As well as a lot of the catching up stuff, much of the remaining books consists of long, tedious online sermons and prophecy analysis by Rev. Tsion be Judah, followed by inspiring episodes in which various characters relate how their lives were spent as superficial Christians (or superficial Jews or Muslims etc.) and slaves to sin (pornography, adultery, theft, etc.) until they learned and accepted The Truth.

[jackd]

Technically, aren't they clerics?

From an utterly different context, I appreciate the suggestion that write-ups of people like LaHaye, Pat Robertson, or the late Jerry Fallwell always refer to them as "radical clerics". It would be really great if the news media used it: "Radical cleric Pat Robertson called for his followers to boycott Disney World again today."

[Jeff]

Bug and I can cover the drink offering for most, if not all, of LA. He's got The North (porn and TV studios) and I have The South (amusement parks and riots).

[realityfighter]

I too would like to contribute to the Campaign to Get Fred Pleasantly Hammered. Hell, if you're in Austin on the right weekend I might throw in some good Texas funk to boot.

[Nenya]

Man, I think Fred's set for a speaking drinking tour of these united states! Maybe once these essays are compiled into their well-deserved book form, Fred can go on a promo tour and take us all up on these offers, thus leaving his brain nicely cleansed of the foulness so he can get on with his life. (Mind you he'll be about eighty by then, but I'm sure one of us has a porch he can sit on and yell at the kidz on the lawn.)

When you're driving down the eastern coast after having taken up a few of these other offers and find yourself in the Appalacian Mountains of eastern Tennessee, look me up and I'll contribute to the project as well.

[Linkmeister]

Hey, I'll offer Hawaii as a location for drink-swilling. Waikiki and Mai-Tais!

[Mantra Mali]

If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey And asks you to show him your bum, do not show him your bum. This is a scam. He only wants to see your bum. I wish I had got this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap. -The Bum http://www.widgetmate.com

[Sue]

I bought volumes 2 and 3 for a penny each from Amazon marketplaces, largely down to being mesmerised by bad (which is the opposite of surprised by joy) from your comments on #1. However, I haven't been able to bring myself to open them yet.

[Ecks]

I think at this point Fred could just post a "Where I am" box on this page, and be assured of drinks for any entry short of "Pat Robert's living room".

Heck, I'd do my part, and gladly.

[Bugmaster]

Actually, I've moved back down to The South a while ago. So, no one is covering NoCal :-(

[Jeff]

I've got me Mum in NoCal (50 miles N of SF). Se loves meeting new people, so I think we have that area covered as well. (I've got a Summer Home in San Diego, so pretty much the entire "Southland" aka LosSanJuana is taken care of.)