Hijack this thread

When I worked in the bookstore, we played this long-running game with book titles. The game, which was shamefully juvenile but endlessly amusing, was simply to add the phrase "in my pants" to the title of any book. (Similar to Demetri Martin's observation that anything you say sounds sleazy if you just add the word ladies.)

Once a year, the chain would conduct an inventory of its stores. The staff from the various locations would gather at each store in turn at 6 a.m., tally all the books, and be done by noon. Since this entailed both overtime and free pizza, I kind of enjoyed it. Staff from the other stores never understood what our group was giggling about when we'd have conversations like this one:

"Dave -- The Sword of Shannara."

"Not bad. The Pokey Little Puppy."

"I've got When Bad Things Happen to Good People. I can't decide whether or not that's funny."

You get the idea. The blogosphere seems to be full of people playing different variations on this game. I still think "... in my pants" is a funnier incongruous premise than "... and that's why I'm voting for Ron Paul" or "... and that's why you must admit that 9/11 was an inside job," and regular commenters here will (almost) all agree that it's funnier than "... which proves taxation is theft, Commie," but far be it from me to tell other people they have to play the game my way.

"Hijacking" a discussion thread, I realize, is generally frowned on. It's something that we denizens of the blogosphere tend to complain about or apologize for. But it can also often be kind of delightful. Some things -- like, say, 24-hours worth of Inigo Montoya puns -- just can't be planned for.

And but so the point is, I'm inviting you to hijack this thread. Take any of the following subjective, apolitical observations and do your best to turn it into a platform for discussing -- vigorously -- something completely unrelated. Bonus points will be awarded for building-on/distorting-from preceding comments. I'm going to go get some (obviously much needed) sleep.

The New York Mets seem to be swooning their way out of the playoffs. As a Mets fan, I am disappointed by this.

I recently watched the first season of Slings and Arrows. Brilliant. Netflix has this, so don't miss it.

It's been chilly here lately at night but, so far, the blinkers on my Civic still work. (In early November, 1996, the car's blinker stopped shutting itself off. Then, after the first really warm week in spring, it went back to working normally. It has repeated this pattern every year ever since. Since I'm accustomed to having to turn the blinkers on, having to also turn them off for six months out of the year isn't really much of an inconvenience, but I still wonder why this happens. The professional opinions of the mechanics I have asked about this over the years were: "That's weird," and "It shouldn't do that.")

Trader Joe's is now selling Fair Trade coffees. They are delicious and reasonably priced. This makes me happy.

This evening, for the first time in my life, I will be attending a Parents Night at a nearby school. (I'm not a parent, I'm an "and guest.") I am nervous about this for many reasons. It probably doesn't help that my main connotation for such an event involves the image of Spike and a band of vampires taking over the school.

Over the Rhine's The Trumpet Child is just lovely.

Comments

[zzyzx]

"The New York Mets seem to be swooning their way out of the playoffs. As a Mets fan, I am disappointed by this."

The Mariners already did that. Typical east coast bias. Everyone is so concerned about the New York teams that there's never any love for Seattle in the sports world. I hate that!

[Rozzen]

I myself am a staunch defender of thread hijackings. Threads are a conversation, say I, let them run their natural course !
It's as if some God had come to Earth millions of years ago, looked at life and gone "What ? Cells with nuclei ? This whole 'life' thing is about bacteria, people ! Stop trying to hijack my planet !"

[cjmr's husband]

Hello. My name is Trader Joe Montoya. You sold my coffee. Prepare to brew.

(runs and hides)

[Rosina]

I'm with God on this one. The idea that cells (which are obviously going to join up and become multi-cellular yet somehow secretive organis(m/ation)s) should be allowed access to nuclei is a threat to all the decent, patriotic, theist bacteria who were the rightful masters of this planet, and who had proper bacterial values.

Stop the cells arming themselves! Ban the nuclei!

[cjmr's husband]

"Left Behind -- in my pants!"

Eeeewww....

[cjmr's husband]

@Rosina -

Single-celled organisms are by definition armless.

This whole 'life' thing is about bacteria, people!

Proving the existance of EVILution.

OR:

Attack of the Bacteria People!

[Jesurgislac]

You get the idea. The blogosphere seems to be full of people playing different variations on this game. I still think "... in my pants" is a funnier incongruous premise than "... and that's why I'm voting for Ron Paul" or "... and that's why you must admit that 9/11 was an inside job," and regular commenters here will (almost) all agree that it's funnier than "... which proves taxation is theft, Commie," but far be it from me to tell other people they have to play the game my way.

I like replacing selected words from Lord of the Rings quotes with "pants", which produces such gems as "Not lightly do the pants of Lorien fall" and "I will not say, Do not weep... not all pants are an evil."

The game becomes even more obscene in the UK, where "pants" means not "trousers" but "underwear". ;-) I'm just saying.

If Buffy...

"On the other hand, Sheila has never burned down a pants building."

[Rozzen]

Attack of the Bacteria People!
Originally I had no comma between "bacteria" and "people", putting it where the exclamation point is now instead, but then I thought it would be confusing...

I like the Bacteria People, myself ^^

[Jesurgislac]

"See, this is a school, and we have students, and they check out pants, and then they learn things."
"I was beginning to suspect that was pants."

[Rozzen]

I like replacing selected words from Lord of the Rings quotes with "pants", which produces such gems as "Not lightly do the pants of Lorien fall" and "I will not say, Do not weep... not all pants are an evil."

I think you already know this, but replacing "wand" with "wang" in Harry Potter also has great results... Or so I've been told.

[cjmr]

"Left Behind -- in my pants!"

If you leave anything behind in your pants you do the laundry! (Unless it's money, in which case I have quite the book list backed up right now...)

[wintermute]

> I like replacing selected words from Lord of the Rings quotes with "pants", which produces such gems as "Not lightly do the pants of Lorien fall" and "I will not say, Do not weep... not all pants are an evil."

Which started out as a Star Wars game, of course.

"You came in those pants? You're braver than I thought..."
"A tremor in the Force. The last time I felt it was in the pants of my old master."
"I used to bullseye womp rats in my pants back home, they're not much bigger than two meters."
"Hokey religions and ancient pants are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid."
"At last we will reveal our pants to the Jedi. At last we will have revenge."

[Drew Habits]

O.J.!

[wintermute]

Oh, and how did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

[Gabriel]

Britney!

[Lea]

"Gondor has no pants. Gondor needs no pants."

(This was, in fact, the organizing principle for the character design in Ralph Bakshi's 1978 animated version.)

The "in my pants" game also works particularly well for Shakespeare, or so I have always thought.

Speaking of which: Slings & Arrows is possibly my favorite TV show ever.

[wintermute]

"I was there the day the pants of men failed."
"One small bite is enough to fill the pants of a grown man!"
"If by my life or death I can protect you, I will. You have my sword..." // " ...and you have my bow..." // "...and my pants."
"Do not come between the Nazgul and his pants."
"They cursed us. Murderer they called us. They cursed us, and drove us away. And we wept, Precious, we wept to be so alone. And we only wish to catch fish so juicy sweet. And we forgot the taste of bread... the sound of trees... the softness of pants. We even forgot our own name. My Precious."

[Izzy]

"Do not meddle in the pants of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger."

Also, Rosina sounds about a day away from setting a concert hall on fire with the power of her mind. Someone should look into this. (Cookies for anyone who gets *that* reference.)

[A Texan in Bavaria]

"Left Behind -- in my pants!"

cjmr's husband wins two Internets.

[damnedyankee]

Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my father! Prepare to die... in my pants!

[damnedyankee]

Steaming piles of pants, smothered in butter.

Sounds like a party to me.

[Salamanda]

"It's been chilly here lately at night but, so far, the blinkers on my Civic still work, ladies...."

[cjmr's husband]

"It's been chilly here lately at night but, so far, the pants on my Civic still work...."

[David]

wintermute, you forgot the best one:

"I find your lack of pants disturbing."

[Salamanda]

And wasn't Trader Joe's already selling fair trade coffee? I know they were with cocoa...

[Pseudowolf]

I'm a big fan of the "...in bed." game with fortune cookie fortunes.

[damnedyankee]

Pants!

Pants!*

Sing the praises of pants!

* - at 2:55 in the clip

[Salamanda]

@Pseudowolf: Yeah, or Jones soda caps. I found one discarded on my way to work today. It says: "Ask a kid a question."

...

No wait. That's just a little TOO Incest Montoya.

But anyway, here's where I'll cheat...
Harry Potter wand replacements
Star Wars Pantsness

Alohomora, ladies...

[burgundy]

cjmr's husband, you replaced the wrong word - it's not the pants on his Civic that still work. It's the blinkers on his pants.

[cjmr]

Since I'm accustomed to having to turn the blinkers on, having to also turn them off for six months out of the year isn't really much of an inconvenience, but I still wonder why this happens. The professional opinions of the mechanics I have asked about this over the years were: "That's weird," and "It shouldn't do that.")

I think you've got a hairline crack in the switch or contact. When it's warm, the metal expands just enough that the blinker works. Good luck convincing a mechanic to actually try to track that down--I took us 7 years, at least 10 attempts, and well over $2K before they finally figured out that my car wasn't starting properly after sitting in a driving rain (or heavy fog) because there was a hairline crack in the alternator housing and water was getting in.

[MM]

For added fun, add "of Doom," "the Musical," and/or "on Ice" to any phrase.

I for one cannot wait to see "Left Behind: The Musical on Ice!"

[cjmr]

What, not: Left Behind: The Musical of Doom on Ice! ?

[Salamanda]

I for one cannot wait to see "Left Behind: The Musical on Ice!"

Dude! Yes. The piles of produce steam so much more impressively in a chilly rink!

[Steve]

This comes to mind:
Big Pants Trekking

[Rozzen]

I for one cannot wait to see "Left Behind: The Musical on Ice!"
I'd love to see how they deal with Nicky's speech to the UN !

[Zingo Stertch]

Just to echo Lea...

Slings and Arrows rocks the place.

[Ecks]

What about combining games?
and that's why I'm voting for Ron Paul. In my pants

and that's why you must admit that pants was an inside job,

The New York Mets seem to be swooning their way out of the[ir] pants. As a Mets fan, I am disappointed by this.

I recently watched the first season of pants and Arrows. Brilliant. Netflix has this, so don't miss it.

Trader Joe's is now selling pants. They are delicious and reasonably priced. This makes me happy.

Over the Rhine's The Trumpet Child is just lovely.... Ok, I couldn't think of a pants version of this song, but I could find a different song that refers to pants: http://tinyurl.com/25gl5d

[Ecks]

BTW, that song link is NSFW if you have sound.

[Steve]

Get your copy of Left Behind the video for $.99 here.

Or better yet, look here for the same movie with a bonus film, "Judgment" starring Corbin Bernsen and Mr. T. If its got Corbin Bernsen AND Mr. T in it, you KNOW its gotta be good...both combined for $.99. I just bought 10 of this video packs to give as Christmas gifts.

[ako]

I'd love to see how they deal with Nicky's speech to the UN !

I'm imagining something rather like the Animaniacs bit, with more skating.

[Tonio]

"lso, Rosina sounds about a day away from setting a concert hall on fire with the power of her mind. Someone should look into this. (Cookies for anyone who gets *that* reference.)"

I would say Stephen King's "Carrie," but the setting was a school gym.

[Steve]

This just in: a tribute to your pants.

[Lila]

Thread Hijack!! Via Making Light: Nebraska state senator sues God:
http://blog.wired.com/27bstroke6/2007/09/nebraska-senato.html?cid=83197399

[cjmr's husband]

Get your copy of Left Behind the Pants for $.99 here!

Or better yet, look here for the same movie with bonus pants!

If its got Corbin Bernsen AND Mr. T in pants, you KNOW its gotta be good..

[Rozzen]

The weird thing is that the senator did that to protest frivolous lawsuits like the one a woman intented against the judge in her rape case because he wouldn't let her use the words 'rape' or 'victim' in her testimony or something.

I can't decide whether the judge's decision was justified, whether her lawsuit was, and whether the senator's reaction to the whole thing is.
He does make some good points against God though. /ducks
But I'm not sure US law applies, sure God is everywhere but isn't it specified anywhere you have to be human, or mortal, or something to be subject to the law ?

[Salamanda]

I'm imagining something rather like the Animaniacs bit, with more skating.

Nice!

And now! Nikko Warnescu (wearing only an exquisitely conservative pair of khakis) with...the countries of the world!

UuuuuuunitedstatescanadamexicopanamahaitijamaicaPERU....

[Nicole J. LeBoeuf-Little]

a funnier incongruous premise than "... and that's why I'm voting for Ron Paul"

Speaking of incongruous premises, there's a fiercely organic/vegan fast-food restaurant here in Boulder that is pushing Ron Paul. I can't figure that out. I mean, he's libertarian, right? Isn't one of the platforms of libertarianism that government regulation of big business--such as is necessary for "organic" to be a meaningful term in the industry--is teh eeeevul?

Trader Joe's is now selling Fair Trade coffees. They are delicious and reasonably priced. This makes me happy.

Also in Boulder is an IHOP with free wi-fi and locally roasted espresso. (And vaguely decent food, for an IHOP.) They started carrying the espresso. I was delighted when the waiter told me the roaster was Coffee Jones. "Coffee Jones! That's that weathered old run-down looking shack on Old Pearl that's always shuttered up! Is that actually an operating business, then? When, for goodness's sake, are they actually open?"

"At night," the waiter tells me. "He gets in at 10 or so and then he roasts the beans all night."

I love it. Not just local, but nocturnal too. This ought to be a vampire story.

I'm sorry, wintermute, but your Star Wars pants puns just sound like something from the set of Spaceballs. I think Mel Brooks already milked that puppy for most everything it was worth.

I agree that everything goes better with doom. This will accordingly be henceforth known as the Hijacked Thread of Doom.

[Chris_C]

"Evacuate? In our pants of triumph? I think you overestimate their chances."

Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya. I am your waiter. Prepare to dine.

[cjmr's husband]

"I think you overestimate their pants!"

[Zmayhem]

Slings and Arrows in my pants!

Herewith, one of the finest moments in all of Slings & Arrows, except for all the other moments, which are just exactly as fine as this one.