L.B.: 7 pages, 6 phone calls

Left Behind, pp. 334-341

Before agreeing to meet the nondescriptly gorgeous woman Buck has brought to his hotel room, Nicolae Carpathia wants to speak to him first, alone:

Here it comes, Buck thought, flashing Hattie an apologetic look and holding up a finger to indicate he would not be long. Carpathia's gonna have my neck for wasting his time.

He found Nicolae standing a few feet in front of the TV, watching CNN. His arms were crossed, his chin in his hand. He glanced Buck's way and waved him in. Buck shut the door behind him, feeling as if he had been sent to the principal's office.

This isn't all bad. The blocking is decent, and the image of the principal's office is apt, if not terribly original. But the scene falls apart as soon as Nicolae starts talking.

"Have you seen this business in Jerusalem?" he said. Buck said he had. "Strangest thing I have even seen."

"Not me," Buck said.

"No?"

"I was in Tel Aviv when Russia attacked."

Earlier Buck said he was in Haifa during the attack, an hour or so north of Tel Aviv. But the bigger problem here, again, is that as inexplicable and astonishing as that experience might have been, it is only the second strangest thing Buck has ever seen. The world-altering strangeness of The Event was, and remains, more inexplicable and astonishing than the Ruso-Ethiopian carnage he witnessed that day in Tel Aviv and/or Haifa. Yet now, scarcely a week after that Event, the authors are intent on portraying everyone from Nicolae to Buck's co-workers as utterly fascinated by the captivating spectacle of the trip-and-fall guys in Jerusalem. Even the parents of the missing children, apparently, are raptly watching CNN's obsessive coverage, intrigued by this new mystery with a curiosity they never displayed about the disappearance of their own loved ones.

Carpathia kept his eyes on the screen as CNN played over and over the attack on the preachers and the collapsing of the would-be assassins. "Yes," he mumbled. "That would have been something akin to this. Something unexplainable. Heart attacks, they say."

"Pardon?"

"The attackers are dead of heart attacks."

"I hadn't heard that."

"Yes. And the Uzi did not jam. It is in perfect working order.

Nicolae seemed transfixed by the images. He continued to watch as he talked.

"... Look at this. The preachers never touched either of them. What are the odds?"

What could have caused this mysterious, almost miraculous occurrence of spontaneous heart attacks and a malfunctioning trigger mechanism? Perhaps it was the result of:

"... Some confluence of electromagnetism in the atmosphere, combined with an as yet unknown or unexplained atomic ionization from the nuclear power and weaponry throughout the world, [that] could have triggered -- perhaps by a natural cause like lightning ... this instant action."

That was Nicolae's dismissive "explanation" for the disappearance of 2 billion people -- an explanation that was immediately embraced as wholly satisfactory. Thus, in our story, no one any longer seems the least bit troubled or mystified by the Event. It's settled, old news. Time to move on, repaint the kids' room and turn it into a home theater.

This is not good writing, but it's not merely bad writing either. Bad writing can produce characters who seem alien and unbelievable due to their failure to respond to events in any recognizably human way, but LaHaye and Jenkins have produced an entire world of such characters. Bad writing entails a failure to convey or communicate whatever it is that the writer is trying to express. L&J have failed at something prior to and more fundamental than that. They began by portraying one whole world -- the post-Event world following the Rapture, and then they abruptly and completely abandoned it for a different one, a different kind of world, in which the next set of preordained events from their End Times Checklist could be imagined.

I'm trying to think of precedents or examples of this elsewhere -- other books or movies that have so utterly and arbitrarily left behind their original premises -- but I can't think of any. This particular literary sin needs a name.

Nicolae shifts topics to his hiring of Steve Plank as press secretary:

"I hope you know that you've crippled the Weekly."

"Ah! I have strengthened it. What better way to have the person I want at the top?"

Buck shuddered, relieved when Carpathia looked away from the TV at last. "This makes me feel just like Jonathan Stonagal, maneuvering people into positions." He laughed, and Buck was pleased to see that he was kidding.

This was funnier and in better taste than Nicolae's earlier joke about the last thing to go through Alan Tompkins' mind when his police car blew up. Yet whether or not such "kidding" is reassuring depends on what kind of laugh it was, particularly since the next thing they talk about is yet another suspicious death:

"Did you hear what happened to Eric Miller?" Buck asked.

"Your friend from Seaboard Monthly? No. What?"

"Drowned last night."

Carpathia looked shocked. "You do not say! Dreadful!"

Having decided that Nicolae will never use contractions, Jenkins insists on having him say things like "You do not say," even when the normal idiom is "you don't say" and "you do not say" is something you do not say. Still, substituting a verbal tic for actual characterization is more than we get for most of the characters in this book.

We're not told whether or not Buck believes Nicolae's insistence that he is shocked -- shocked! -- by the news of Miller's death. But while Nicolae is introducing himself to Hattie, Rosenzweig tells Buck he has a phone call. It's Marge Potter, calling to tell him to return a call to Miller's widow. Back in their comfort zone of telephonic communications, the authors indulge in a full page of the logistics of this bit of phone tag. We'll glide past that to the latter phone call itself.

Carolyn Miller is upset by her husband's death, but she takes a moment first to remind Buck of when they first met, "on the presidential yacht two summers ago." Buck had forgotten this, but I suppose all these women from presidential yachts and presidential hotel rooms can start to blur together after a while.

She had talked to her husband just before he had gotten on the ferry and he had told her he was "tracking a big story."

"... That was the last conversation I'll ever have with him, and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how cold it was last night?"

"Nippy, as I recall," Buck said, puzzled be her abrupt change of subject.

"Cold, sir. Too cold to be standing outside on the ferry, wouldn't you say?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"And even if he was, he's a good swimmer. He was a champion in high school ..."

"What are you saying, Mrs. Miller?"

"I don't know!" she shouted, crying. "I just wondered if you could shed any light. I mean, he fell off the ferry and drowned? It doesn't make any sense!"

"It doesn't to me either, ma'am, and I wish I could help. But I can't."

Jenkins clearly understands the cliches of the reporter who dies under suspicious circumstances while tracking a big story. What he doesn't understand is how to have Buck respond to all of this without coming across like a callous and incurious jerk. After telling the Widow Miller that "I'll be thinking of you," he hangs up.

He decides to track down the phone number on the business card Nicolae gave Hattie, but instead of just dialing the number himself:

He called a friend at the telephone company. "Alex! Do me a favor. Can you still tell me who's listed if I give you a number?"

"Long as you don't tall anybody I'm doin' it."

"You know me, man."

Yeah, man, we know you would never betray your top-secret insider source when he risks his job to perform the ultra-complex reverse directory. The number, Alex says before disappearing from the story as suddenly as he arrived, is for an unlisted private line at the secretary-general's office of the United Nations.

Buck was lost. He couldn't make any of this compute. ... Buck turned back to the phones.

Just to be clear, that's a direct quote from the book itself: "Buck turned back to the phones." This time he calls Steve Plank, the sixth person he's talked to on the phone in seven pages. We're back on track.

"Steve," he said quickly, "your boy just made his first mistake."

"What're you talking about, Buck?"

"Is your first job going to be announcing Carpathia as the new secretary-general?"

I guess Buck could make this compute after all. It's important to read this in context. In Left Behind the secretary-general is not a beleaguered diplomat who shuttles around the globe hat in hand. He is, rather, the King of Kings -- the leader of a global federation who "outranks" the American president in the same way that the president outranks state governors here. This is also how the authors think the real U.N. works. In their minds, Carpathia is about to become ruler of the world.

After making Buck promise to keep this off the record until it becomes official the following day, Steve explains:

"The Kalahari Desert makes up much of Botswana where Secretary-General Ngumo is from. He returns there tomorrow a hero, having become the first leader to gain access to the Israeli fertilizer formula."

"... And he cannot be expected to handle the duties of both the U.N. and Botswana during this strategic moment in Botswana history, right, Steve?"

"And why should he, when someone is so perfectly suited to step right in?"

With this political masterstroke, Nicolae Carpathia has completed the most astonishing rise to power since Boutros-Boutros Ghali. True to form, ace reporter Buck Williams has scooped all of his rivals and learned the truth before any of them. And true to form, Buck has agreed not to report the story until long after everyone else has.

Buck has one last question for his friend:

"What did Eric Miller get too close to? What lead was he tracking?"

Steve's voice became hollow, his tone flat. "All I know about Eric Miller," he said, "is that he got too close to the railing on the Staten Island Ferry."

Steve's a quick study. One day on the job and already he's helping his new boss cover up a murder. As ominous as his tone seems to be, though, I'm sure he's not worried. Buck may have a long history of discovering shadowy conspiracies, but he never reports on it.

Comments

[bulbul]

Re all of the comments regarding Lost: I find your lack of faith disturbing, people. This is a running TV show. To complain about unresolved plot points NOW is like reading Lord of the Rings and being halfway through Book III (part one of "The Two Towers") complaining about the absence of Frodo and Sam. Especially regarding the
Oh and about the Island: the way Lost writers treat the Island reminds me of the way Umberto Eco describes the ship in "The Island of the Day Before". In both cases, the protagonists discover more and more new parts of their respective domain and in each case, each new discovery further confuses the reader/viewer about the size and layout of the ship/island. Umberto Eco even threatened to sue a publisher who wanted to include a map of the ship in an edition of the book, since he deliberately wanted to keep the layout of the ship obscure for various reasons, mostly to emphasize the unreal reality of the experience. I am almost certain the Lost writers are doing the same, perhaps even for the same reasons. And I'm pretty sure Eco loves Lost :o)

[chaos_engineer]

I think the problem is that L&J are trying to merge two different continuities.

In one continuity, the only people who vanish are members of a small, persecuted minority. The rest of the Roman Empire hardly notices that they're gone, and it's pretty much business as usual for the next few years. (There are wars and famines, but everybody's used to those. The giant monster scorpions don't show up until later.)

In the other continuity, all the children everywhere vanish, along with a lot of adults...and not adults at the margins of society, either. It's a huge deal and affects everyone.

So the Rapture was either devastating or trivial, depending I guess on the author's mood at any particular instant.

[Ken]

From both a dramatic and a common-sense standpoint, it would make a lot more sense for God to snatch up his faithful just before the point where the poo hits the fan, apocalyptically speaking. -- Vermic

During the 1975 Rosh Hashanah Rapture Scare (scheduled to kick off on Rosh Hashanah, with the King of Spain becoming The Antichrist), the choreography went like this:

The USSR would launch a "Bolt out of Blue" mass nuclear strike on the USA, triggering a nuclear "spasm war" where both sides would empty their silos near-simultaneously at each other. The Rapture would occur as the first warheads were cutting atmosphere over their targets (about 1-2 seconds before the first nukes detonated), at the exact moment of sunset in Jerusalem starting that year's Rosh Hashanah.

I am not making this up.

This was on Heavy Rotation of all the Christian radio stations in my area throughout the summer of 1975; most every radio and TV preacher of the time took it as True End Time Prophecy. This was also the heyday of Hal Lindsay's Late Great Planet Earth, which displaced the Bible in the Bible studies I attended. Lindsay had interpreted all the plagues of Revelation as nuclear weapons effects, leading to the attitude I called "Christians for Nuclear War" (of which we see the Shia Islamic variant in the Twelfth Imam cult in present-day Iran).

It wasn't until years later that I discovered that the Jehovah's Witnesses had actually started the scare.

[Col Bat Guano]

Speaking of OWG, where is the U.S. President during all of this? Was he raptured? Shouldn't he be speaking everyday on TV to reassure the nation? I realize that L&J think the U.N. has taken over, but wouldn't the U.S still wield a lot of influence?

[Vermic]

Nicolae Carpathia had morphed into the consummate politician, diplomat, statesman, and international gadfly.

Gadfly? I do not think that word means what Jerry Jenkins thinks it means. Socrates was a gadfly. Hunter S. Thompson, he was a gadfly. Nicolae is smooth, diplomatic, well-liked and influential; a person can't be all those things and a gadfly simultaneously. I wonder whether "gadabout" wasn't the word intended, leading into the next sentence about Nicolae's love for travel.

And Salamanda, don't fret about your own writing. Be encouraged, knowing that no matter what mistakes you might make here and there, you can't possibly produce as bad a work as these two clowns. From all that Fred has shown us, I honestly think that any person, armed with an editor and a sincere interest in quality work, could not fail to write a book superior to what LaHaye and Jenkins have put out.

[Ken]

(There are wars and famines, but everybody's used to those. The giant monster scorpions don't show up until later.) -- Chaos Engineer

Do you mean the ones with the giant rubber stingers who knock on the door of the main characters' survival refuge, wait for the door to open, then extend slowly in, sting the target (who collapses screaming), then slowly retract, closing the door after themselves? (Followed by jump cut to galloping horses' hooves.)

My writing partner (a United Brethren Minister in PA) told me that's an actual scene in one of the Thief in the Night movies; it remains my standard for cheezy FX.

[Rozzen]

Hey Salamanda, don't hesitate to try writing !
Nothing says you'll have to show anybody, and if you don't begin how will you get better with practice ? ^^

LB Fridays are a pretty cool writing course by the way. It's like : "see what he did there ? Do the opposite."

Re the UN : I agree with you [person who said the US was a better proto-WG than the UN, too lazy to go back up to find your name, sorry] but I can also see LaHaye's point of view. After all when people think of "World Government" they think of countries getting together to be in peace, not one country colonizing the others. If the former case happens, the WG wouldn't be the descendant of any of the individual countries' governments, but rather of the set of treaties that linked them together. So in that sense the UN is a better candidate for "closest to WG".

It's a bit the difference between the Roman Empire and the European Union if you will. (neither is a European Government, but you get my point)

[Tabigarasu]

I've seen better writing on fanfiction.net, sadly.

[mmack]

Speaking of OWG, where is the U.S. President during all of this?

Col. Bat Guano,

The President was never raptured (must be a Democrat ;^P). It's just that Nicky Sierra Nevada hasn't given him a magical business card with his super secret phone number that only submissive world leaders and horny doomed flight attendents lookin' for a good time can use.

[car]

" if LH&J had blamed the heart attacks on Magneto, the novel would actually have been more realistic."

But for less than $40 million, we have to settle for Raul Julia as M. Bison in the Street Fighter movie.

[hapax]

This particular literary sin needs a name.

Premise Interruptus.

Re "highlandertwoing": surely "quickening" is less awkward? I've seen it suggested before the "The Quickening" be used as an unofficial subtitle to any sequel that gravely distorts the premise of the original. But it's really not the same thing as what LB does.

While we're compating things to films, Buck's exploits remind me a little of Vicki Vale in the first Batman flick. Like Buck, she's assigned to a big story, then pretty much ignores pursuing that assignment, but somehow winds up coincidentally hobnobbing with the guy who's secretly behind it all anyway. But Vale at least actually remembers what she's supposed to be doing and snaps some pictures when Batman actually shows up in person.

[Ken]

Speaking of OWG, where is the U.S. President during all of this? Was he raptured? Shouldn't he be speaking everyday on TV to reassure the nation? I realize that L&J think the U.N. has taken over, but wouldn't the U.S still wield a lot of influence? -- Col Bat Guano

I think that's in one of the authorized spinoff trilogies. (Yes, there are authorized spinoff trilogies; one's written by Mel Odom, the other by Neesa Hart.)

P.S. Are you any relation to General Bull Right from Laugh-In?

And Salamanda, don't fret about your own writing. Be encouraged, knowing that no matter what mistakes you might make here and there, you can't possibly produce as bad a work as these two clowns. From all that Fred has shown us, I honestly think that any person, armed with an editor and a sincere interest in quality work, could not fail to write a book superior to what LaHaye and Jenkins have put out. -- Vermic

During the black-and-white comics boom-and-crash of the Eighties, anyone with a trust fund, a Sharpie, and a comics distributor on speed-dial was cranking out crap that was still usually better than LaHaye & Jenkins.

7 pages, 6 phone calls -- Slacktivist

Talk about Dischism. Is Jenkins even capable of writing a story -- even a flashfic -- set in a time before telephones?

I've seen the recut Highlander 2 and it is better than the original version... -- Blackadder

I've seen the fan-MSTied version and it's also better than the original. Still couldn't watch it all the way through, but it's still better with Joel and the Bots at the bottom.

o/~ Blackadder, Blackadder, Elizabethan shmuck...o/~

Left Behind is really set in a not-so-distant future were humans have been entirely replaced by robot duplicates. -- Spalanzani

You mean Organic Robotoids built by the Reptoids within the Hollow Earth?

(Not-so-distant future -- Next Sunday, A.D.?)

The androids’ minds are all linked up to a central database, and everything known by one android becomes known to all. -- Spalanzani

No, it's not The Reptoids. It's THE COMMUNIST GANGSTER COMPUTER GOD ON THE DARK SIDE OF THE MOON PUPPETING PARROT GANGSTER ASSASSINS THROUGH FRANKENSTEIN EARPHONE RADIO CONTROLS!

[pepperjackcandy]

Re "highlandertwoing": surely "quickening" is less awkward?

"Quickening(-)ing"?

[aunursa]

The President was never raptured (must be a Democrat ;^P).

The Rapture takes place during the sixth year of the Democratic President's administration. When Gerald Fitzhugh was running for the Oval Office, Buck voted for his opponent, but switched to Fitzhugh for his reelection four years later.

[Spalanzani]

Ken: "No, it's not The Reptoids. It's THE COMMUNIST GANGSTER COMPUTER GOD ON THE DARK SIDE OF THE MOON PUPPETING PARROT GANGSTER ASSASSINS THROUGH FRANKENSTEIN EARPHONE RADIO CONTROLS!"

I hate it when I don't get references...(got the MST3K and Shaver Mystery ones though).

"During the black-and-white comics boom-and-crash of the Eighties, anyone with a trust fund, a Sharpie, and a comics distributor on speed-dial was cranking out crap that was still usually better than LaHaye & Jenkins."

And on that note...

Geds: “Spalanzani:

Want to drink the Right Behind Kool-Aid?

Join us...”

You know, for awhile now I’ve been thinking about making a web comic with a Right Behind-type plot (that is, something inspired by Fred’s Left Behind posts). I’m not sure how well that would work on a blog, though.

[aunursa]

Fitzhugh has a small role in the LB sequel Tribulation Force. In the film version, he is played by Lou Gossett Jr. While I have not seen any of the films, apparently the President has a much larger role in this film.

[Thlayli]

... where is the U.S. President during all of this?

The U.S. President's involvement in this story is covered (in its entirety) here.

[hapax]

bulbul: "Re all of the comments regarding Lost: I find your lack of faith disturbing, people. This is a running TV show."

Unh-huh. I knew better than to watch a single episode of Lost. I still have vivid flashbacks of Twin Peaks. Had us all riveted for a season and a half, until it suddenly dawned on all the viewers at once, that there was NO Grand Plan, the writers were all making this up as they went along, and they had even less clue than the fans about What It All Meant. "The owls are not what they seem," indeed!

Go ahead and keep your faith in tv writers; just don't be surprised when one of the major characters is reincarnated as a talking doorknob.

(What, me, bitter much?)

[Keith]

You know, for awhile now I’ve been thinking about making a web comic with a Right Behind-type plot (that is, something inspired by Fred’s Left Behind posts). I’m not sure how well that would work on a blog, though.

sure it would, check out XKCD.

[bulbul]

hapax,

I still have vivid flashbacks of Twin Peaks.
Good point, but there are a few major differences that give me hope.
NO SPOILERS AHEAD
First and foremost, they've manages to do three seasons. That's saying a lot. Second, they know now that they have 48 episodes left and that brings a lot of creative freedom with it. Plus, this is almost unprecedented in US network tv. Third, in Twin Peaks, there was only one mystery and once that was done with, puffff, gone was the show. In Lost, there are many mysteries to build the show on. Fourth, let's face it: Twin Peaks pretended to be about Laura Palmer's murder while actually being about the town and the people. Lost does not pretend and therefore can be what it wants to be and can decide what to focus on. The focus is different for each season and this leads me to believe that yes, there is a plan: I see seasons 1 through 3 as an ouverture, the first act where we meet all the dramatis personae. There are three more seasons remaining, so there is indeed a place fo And finally, it has been made clear by the writers and the producers that there is a plan and I believe them. Even if they chose to fuck with me and brink a dead character back as a doorknob. Because that too will be pretty cool.

[Kenneth R. Morefield]

I'm trying to think of precedents or examples of this elsewhere -- other books or movies that have so utterly and arbitrarily left behind their original premises -- but I can't think of any. This particular literary sin needs a name.

**********************************************************************************************
I seem to recall a lecture from graduate school that said that if Shakespeare's company opened or revived a new play that the audience didn't like, they would, on occasion call out derisively for the players to simply ditch it in midperformance and finish the evenings entertainment by doing a clip show--scenes or endings from old favorites, and the company might comply.

Therefore I suggest calling this practice either "Globe and Mailing It In", "Chamberlaining It" or (my personal favorite) "Pulling a Shakespeare."

I'm enamored by the latter because...well to be honest because the prospect of linking "Left Behind" and Shakespeare strikes me as, well, exceedingly rare.

Son of a... Why does typepad cut random bits of my postings?

[Jen R]

Every time I see Seaboard Monthly, I have to remind myself that you're not making it up.

Why that particular absurdity and not any number of others, I have no idea.

"Do you mean the ones with the giant rubber stingers who knock on the door of the main characters' survival refuge, wait for the door to open, then extend slowly in, sting the target (who collapses screaming), then slowly retract, closing the door after themselves? (Followed by jump cut to galloping horses' hooves.)"

Aw, man, that reminds me of the Land Shark skits on Saturday Night Live.... "Candygram!"

[Dahne]

From the Left Behind movie review, about other apocalyptic movies:

Judgment also stars Mr. T., who observes grandly, "It ain't God world anymore. It belong to th' debbil."

Oh, tell me this is true. Please, please tell me this is true.

[Jeff]

From both a dramatic and a common-sense standpoint, it would make a lot more sense for God to snatch up his faithful just before the point where the poo hits the fan, apocalyptically speaking.

I like this. We'd see the reaction of the RTCs as they see their worst fear greatest desire coming to pass. We could sermons from the RTC or Irene getting more and more desperate to "save" Ray and Chloe.

Assuming we had someone who could actually WRITE at the helm...

=======================================

delurking to say that I'm like 80% sure that there is no "outside" on the Staten Island Ferry.

You wouldn't want L&J to break their record and actually research something, now would you?!

=======================================

The Devil must be either a contortionist or Stretch Armstrong, because I can either fold my arms across my chest, or place one elbow in one hand and put my chin in my other free hand.

It's not easy, but it is doable. Bring both arms in close to the body. One hand grips the upper arm of the other, and you bring your free hand up to your chin.

=======================================

Viva Ngumo!"

I was going to respond with a joke on the order of "Heil Ngumo!" or "Ave Ngumo!", but according my South African friend, "Viva!" is quite popular throughout that region. Well played, sir, well played.

=======================================

you and Marie only lasted about ten minutes; Bill and I watched almost an hour of that godawful thing.

After being cheated out of the threesome of Duane, Rozzen and Mrs Duane, are we getting Bill and cjmr and husband and Marie? [runs for popcorn]

=======================================

today's Something Awful feature riffs on the Rapture!

That's terrific!

=======================================

Ian, further proof "Ma Bell" was staffed with the spawn of Satan.

I thought James Coburn had conclusively proved that in "The President's Analyst".

=======================================

Elizabeth Mitchell is H-A-W-T

[muttered comment about looooooooow standards]

That's so brilliant.

Ditto that sentiment.

=======================================

I am almost certain the Lost writers are doing the same, perhaps even for the same reasons.

I couldn't disagree more (are we setting the theme for the Weekly Flamewar?).

[Jeff]

I see seasons 1 through 3 as an ouverture, the first act where we meet all the dramatis personae.

Who, then, is Locke? Is he an intrepid hunter (Season 1)? Is he a fool and clown (Season 2)? Is he just a plot device(from what I've heard of Season 3)? Why meet Michael and WAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLTTTTT? (Why for that matter suggest that Walt has a power?) Why introduce the Otters as a sneaky, smart terror, and end them as a bunch of clutzy suburbanites?

Sorry, no. It just doesn't work.

[Robb]

You know, for awhile now I’ve been thinking about making a web comic with a Right Behind-type plot (that is, something inspired by Fred’s Left Behind posts). I’m not sure how well that would work on a blog, though.

DO IT! PLEASE do it! That would be in-credible. Even if your art was as detailed as Randall Munroe's, it would still be one of those things that makes the internet worth having. Hell, I'll commit to buying a t-shirt now if you want (as long as it has something snarky and/or post-modernly arty).

[85% Duane]

I couldn't disagree more (are we setting the theme for the Weekly Flamewar?).

Let's pick new teams and have another fight. I'll be on the team of whoever wants to argue that Lost is teh major suck.

Alex can continue in his role as self-appointed and totally disregarded mediator.

[Robb]

Elizabeth Mitchell is H-A-W-T

[muttered comment about looooooooow standards]

Hey!

I'm not normally a fan of Aryan chicks (ducks to avoid retorts), but there's just something about her semi-creepy eyes & the ways she alternates between frail victim and conniving plot mistress that somehow puts her ahead of Yunjin Kim or Evangeline Lilly.

[bulbul]

Jeff,

I couldn't disagree more
Care to elaborate?

SPOILER ALERT:

Is [Locke] an intrepid hunter (Season 1)? Is he a fool and clown (Season 2)?
Since when are the two mutually exclusive?

Why introduce the Otters as a sneaky, smart terror, and end them as a bunch of clutzy suburbanites?
Um, who said anything about "end", "clutzy" and "suburbanites"?

Why for that matter suggest that Walt has a power?
Now there's one I'd like to see answered. Together with the question of "where are Michael and Walt now" (i.e. season 3)?

Again, Jeff, you are asuming that what you see is all there is to it. It's not.

[bulbul]

ut there's just something about her semi-creepy eyes & the ways she alternates between frail victim and conniving plot mistress
Amen, brother.

[Robb]

Let's pick new teams and have another fight. I'll be on the team of whoever wants to argue that Lost is teh major suck.

I'll be on the opposite team, the one that says "It hopefully will have some sort of purpose at the end & therefore won't suck quite so bad" which is about as close to "pro-Lost" as anyone can get after Season 3.

: (

[bulbul]

I'll be on the opposite team
Welcome!

"It hopefully will have some sort of purpose at the end & therefore won't suck quite so bad" which is about as close to "pro-Lost" as anyone can get after Season 3
Oh.
For the record, I loved season 3. So I guess there's three teams now...

[85% Duane]

I'll be on the opposite team, the one that says "It hopefully will have some sort of purpose at the end & therefore won't suck quite so bad" which is about as close to "pro-Lost" as anyone can get after Season 3.

: (

Hopefully, we won't have to spend too much time actually discussing Lost. (It all depends on how the teams sort out and what that third-world inbred Slav has to say next.)

[Jeff]

Again, Jeff, you are asuming that what you see is all there is to it. It's not.

[Takes the tag from Duane] They had two seasons (and about 5 episodes into the third) to convince me they had a plan and that somehow "all would be revealed". They've convinced me that they're con artists who've managed to shim-sham a fair number of people into believing that somehow, beyond all evidence to the contrary, Linderhof and Cuse know what they're doing.

The questions they answered have had cliche and stupid answers. Polar bears on the island? They part of the World's Smallest Zoology Station and SWAM MILES from Othertraz to Craphole Island! Why did the Otters kidnap Walt? To teach him .... something and let him go. Why did they kill Tailies in order to kidnap the children? The kids are "better off" with the Otters!

And on and on. While the characters display no more curiosity than the stick figures of Left Behind. Blech.

[bulbul]

That's MISTER third-world inbred Slav to you, Duane.

[bulbul]

The questions they answered have had cliche and stupid answers.
Hm. What is it that makes you think that the answers they provided so far are the final ones?

[Jeff]

there's just something about her semi-creepy eyes & the ways she alternates between frail victim and conniving plot mistress

As opposed to the ACTING thang that the Kims do with such ease? Since they marginalized the only other decent actor (O' Quinn) in Season 2, turned Sayid into an incompetant fool, and made the two worst "actors" (Matthew "Jacksus" Fox and Evangiline Lily) the leads of what was an ensemble cast, there's no need to tune in to see fine performances overcoming lack-luster writing.

[Jeff]

What is it that makes you think that the answers they provided so far are the final ones?

"They had two seasons (and about 5 episodes into the third) to convince me they had a plan and that somehow "all would be revealed"."

Bolded since you seem to have missed it the first time!

[Robb]

While the characters display no more curiosity than the stick figures of Left Behind. Blech.

I agree that the way they've "answered" some of these questions is suspect (hence my hesistation for full blown support of the show, which may prove to be still more awesome, or not), but again I say: Lost has created characters who are more fully realized & human than all the best characterization of all the LB books put together. Even without the actors (some damn good ones) bringing these people to live, the scripts for the shows show more insight & understanding of humanity than L&J ever will. At the very least, I'm committed to finding out what happens to the characters I've grown to like since watching the first 4 episodes. I read maybe 2 chapters of Left Behind and even back in my pre-enlightenment teenage fundie years when the book was still sorta new, I still couldn't give a shit about them.

Re-reading them with Fred's commentary is hilarious now, though.

[rampancy]

Just think: if a significant number of Bell/AT&T/etc. employees had been real true Christians, this book could not have happened.

...and millions of iPhone owners across America would be praising God for having delivered them out of bondage and into the Promised Land.

But for less than $40 million, we have to settle for Raul Julia as M. Bison in the Street Fighter movie.

I don't know what was funnier - Raul Julia as M. Bison or their "Allied Nations" rip-off of the UN.

[Jeff]

Lost has created characters who are more fully realized & human than all the best characterization of all the LB books put together.

The first season characters were Teh Awesome. The second season characters (played by the same actors, but seemingly not the same "people" we met in season 1) were OK but much blander than those of season 1 -- and we got introduced to "Jacksus" who weeps for our sins. Season 3 seems to deteriorated these characters more.

BtW, bulbul, I'm sure glad those brilliant writers spent an entire episode answering the number one question everyone watching was asking: Where did Jacksus get his tattoos? I'm sooooooo glad THAT's been put to rest, aren't you?

[Ecks]

Spalanzani's robots are stilling ruling this thread.

Actually, the part with Christmas Pennines deeply contemplating the prophets was pretty cool. It's like the bit in Good Omens, where Arizaphale finds Agnes' prophecy book, and is riveted, because unlike all the human, he can decipher what all the prophecies mean. Buck finds him contemplating strategy as he puts together God's moves, and plots what must be happening.

So there you have it, reasonable blocking, and an astute plot point (if entirely unintentional) all on the same page. It's a miracle! Which proves that Christ is real, and all those who don't accept him as their personal savior pronto will be tortured for all eternity with the prick of a thousand little pitchforks to the wibbly gibblies.

Yep, uh huh.

[Spalanzani]

Robb: "DO IT! PLEASE do it! That would be in-credible. Even if your art was as detailed as Randall Munroe's, it would still be one of those things that makes the internet worth having. Hell, I'll commit to buying a t-shirt now if you want (as long as it has something snarky and/or post-modernly arty)."

Uhhh...well sure, why not? I don't know about the t-shirts, though. I don't really know how to make them.

Of course, I don't really know how to make a web comic either. The drawing part I think I could handle, but the actual getting-it-on-the-internet part I'm not so sure. I've got the aproximate technical skills of a large rock.

[cjmr]

After being cheated out of the threesome of Duane, Rozzen and Mrs Duane, are we getting Bill and cjmr and husband and Marie? [runs for popcorn]

Well, amongst the four of us, we do have 6.1 children...

[pepperjackcandy]

My theory (which I formed in S1, so it may be hopelessly outdated by now) is that the original pitch was "it's Survivor meets The Truman Show."

They're all competing in a reality show for some fabulous cash prize, only they don't know they're on a reality show.

The characters who are killed have been removed from the competition. Possibly they've been voted off by the viewers a la American Idol. They may not even really be dead. The other characters might be subjected to some form of mass hypnosis while the "dead" character leaves, then the "dead" character is replaced by an incredibly lifelike dummy.

Does this put me on the "there's some point to it, we just don't know what it is" side in the Lost Flamewar?

[the opoponax: lurker from now on]

It wasn't until years later that I discovered that the Jehovah's Witnesses had actually started the scare.

And it's a good thing, too, because otherwise the world would never know the brilliant piece of fiction that is Zadie Smith's White Teeth, which takes place in London, I believe in that very summer, and one of the protagonists is the UK-born secularized daughter of Caribbean immigrant Witnesses, amid the buzz of all the Endtimes Ohnoes !!Elevenz!! brouhaha. And then, of course, Rosh Hoshanah '75 comes and goes, and nothing happens.

[Ecks]

The drawing part I think I could handle, but the actual getting-it-on-the-internet part I'm not so sure. I've got the aproximate technical skills of a large rock.

Got a scanner? You can just draw and scan. And if you have any photo manipulation software at all, you can even type the captions into that and put it on top of your drawing (I believe I recall Pete Abrams of sluggy freelance fame saying he did that. Or you could just write by hand and scan the whole thing. I believe posting images is possible, but you need to find your own place to host the image. The blog only links to it (or at least, that was the case a few years back when I tried it, they may have improved things since then).

If you wanna give it a crack, send me an email and I'll set you an account at Right Behind
(my crapmail is: allregistered1 at excite dot com).