Oral Roberts is going down

"Scandal brewing at Oral Roberts U." is the AP headline, but that seems like an understatement. "Scandals" -- plural -- is more like it.

You've got your basic nonprofit-violating-its-tax-free-status scandal:

Three former professors ... sued ORU and [its president, Richard] Roberts, alleging they were wrongfully dismissed after reporting the school's involvement in a local political race.

Richard Roberts, according to the suit, asked a professor in 2005 to use his students and university resources to aid a county commissioner's bid for Tulsa mayor. Such involvement would violate state and federal law because of the university's nonprofit status. Up to 50 students are alleged to have worked on the campaign.

That's bad, but it's hefty-fines-and-civil-settlement bad and not quite prison-and-disgrace bad. This kind of white-collar scandal would normally be survivable here in the U.S. If that were the full extent of the scandal, it probably wouldn't even harm the school's financial situation too much, since many of the university's big donors don't really believe in the separation of church and state anyway and IRS penalties could be spun into an example of "persecution" that could be used to leverage even more donations.

But the AP article also mentions Roberts' "lavish spending at donors' expense," citing the kinds of memorable details that tend to give such scandals legs:

• The university jet was used to take one daughter and several friends on a senior trip to Orlando, Fla., and the Bahamas. The $29,411 trip was billed to the ministry as an "evangelistic function of the president."

• Mrs. Roberts spent more than $39,000 at one Chico's clothing store alone in less than a year, and had other accounts in Texas and California. She also repeatedly said, "As long as I wear it once on TV, we can charge it off." The document cites inconsistencies in clothing purchases and actual usage on TV.

• Mrs. Roberts was given a white Lexus SUV and a red Mercedes convertible by ministry donors.

• University and ministry employees are regularly summoned to the Roberts' home to do the daughters' homework.

• The university and ministry maintain a stable of horses for exclusive use by the Roberts' children.

• The Roberts' home has been remodeled 11 times in the past 14 years.

That kind of list would give pause to even the most Mammon-worshipping disciples of the name-it-and-claim-it "prosperity gospel."

But still, so far, we're only talking about money. Lots of money -- money fondled and self-indulgently spent by the extravagantly corrupt Roberts family who roll around in it like Scrooge McDuck while selling the needy for a pair of shoes. But still it's just money. And here in America, scandals involving only money can still be survived.

The magic ingredient here in America, the element that makes a scandal fatal as opposed to merely damaging, is sex. This double standard may not make any sense, but that's how things play out here.

And oh my does this scandal have more than enough sex to make it a fatal one:

[Mrs. Roberts] is accused of ... sending scores of text messages on university-issued cell phones to people described in the lawsuit as "underage males." ...

A longtime maintenance employee was fired so that an underage male friend of Mrs. Roberts could have his position.

Mrs. Roberts -- who is a member of the board of regents and is referred to as ORU's "first lady" on the university's Web site -- frequently had cell-phone bills of more than $800 per month, with hundreds of text messages sent between 1 a.m. to 3 a.m. to "underage males who had been provided phones at university expense."

The word "underage" appears three times in the above, so it doesn't seem like we're talking about consenting adults here.

Once those text messages become public that's it, game over, checkmate. If the school survives, these will be the last people named "Roberts" to have anything to do with it. Good.

(Pam Spaulding and Wonkette have much more to say about all this.)

Comments

[Felix]

Great post as always, Fred, but watch those brackets in the first line of the quote - "it's president" ? Kill the apostrophe, please! Sure, it's pedantic, but this is Slackivist! There are standards here! (And pedants in the comment list.)

[Ack. Fixed now. Thank you Felix]

[not someone else]

*snicker*

Couldn't resist the pun? I can't blame you.

[MikeR]

I'd like to think you're right, Fred. But won't we just get the usual "forgive me I'm a sinner" parade with the donations continuing to roll in? There doesn't seem to be a wooden stake strong enough to take these people out of the game.

[MikeJ]

idk, my bff jill?

$800 phone bill because of text messages? There's no unlimited plan?

[Bugmaster]

Leave it to fred to turn yet another scandal into yet another hillarious pun. Kudos ! :-)

[PurpleGirl]

Well, they could lose their 501(3)(c) status or they could lose the deductibility of contributions. There are a couple of senators who have been going after the non-profit sector for a number of issues and this whole situation could get their attention. Granted that few fundies seem to be investigated but this case could be the one that can't be ignored.
Pass the popcorn, please.

[Jim]

A longtime maintenance employee was fired so that an underage male friend of Mrs. Roberts could have his position.

Mrs. Roberts ... frequently had cell-phone bills of more than $800 per month, with hundreds of text messages sent between 1 a.m. to 3 a.m. to "underage males who had been provided phones at university expense."

How could her husband not know about this? There are numerous scenarios that could explain the facts here, none of them likely to be acceptable to their supporters. The one that presents itself most immediately is that they have some sort of Clintonesque "arrangement."

I'm tending to agree with Fred—if this was just about money it would be survivable. Jim and Tammy Bakker continued to be successful through all sorts of wretched, conspicuous consumption on the funds misappropriated from their ministry, and it was just the Prosperity Gospel at work. Air-conditioned dog houses are fine, but diddle the church secretary? That's outrageous.

[Drak Pope]

Why the hell is he called "oral"? Did M. Clark give him that name to make that weird pun for the title or is it a nickname or... or what? This is really bothering me!

[Edo]

@Drak Pope: He's from the Third Dominion of the Imajica, where it was briefly the height of fashion to name children by throwing darts at dictionaries and choosing one of the pierced words.

[Drak Pope]

What, really?

This blog has me so trained that I honestly can't tell if you're joking or being serious.

[hapax]

@Drak Pope -- I've heard "Oral" as an old-fashioned Southern male name -- you may have heard of Orel Hershiser, the baseball player -- It's a variant of "Aurelius", and has overtones of "Earl". "Orene", "Oralia", and such like are the female versions.

Anyway, Roberts' actual first name is "Granville" -- a quick search around finds various opinions as to whether "Oral" is a nickname or a middle name.

[e. nonee moose]

The Roberts' home has been remodeled 11 times in the past 14 years.

This one creeps me out more than any of the others. Seriously... Like maybe I can understand taking a trip to the Bahamas on the church's plane but who in the hell could possibly want to remodel their home THAT MANY TIMES even if it's being done with someone else's mone?

[mmack]

The $29,411 trip was billed to the ministry as an "evangelistic function of the president."

Obviously practicing and preaching the "Share the Wealth" gospel.

Why the hell is he called "oral"?

Because if he was called Ana . . . I'm sorry, there are some jokes that are too cheap for me to tell.

Drak, when you come from a religious line that has people named "Increase" and "Cotton" (The Matthers, father and son), is "Oral" such an odd name?

[LD Wheeler]

To Drak Pope:
Why the hell is he called "oral"? Did M. Clark give him that name to make that weird pun for the title or is it a nickname or... or what? This is really bothering me!

Oral Roberts is Richard Roberts' father and the university's founder, hence its name: Oral Roberts University (ORU).

Oral himself has more or less laid low over the past couple decades, since his pronouncement that God would take him home unless X number of dollars was raised by donors.

Sigh.

[Ecks]

So let me get this straight: They made Dick head at Oral, and he got so carried away that he made a mess that put a foul taste in the mouths of his supporters. Still, if he swallows hard and admits sin, I'm sure Daddy Roberts will be able to rub enough big donors the right way them keep them coming.

Oh, those randy republicunts.

[Ecks]

I'm terribly sorry, I appear to have made a typo in the previous post.

[mmack]

Fred,

I'll run counter to the conventional wisdom and state that if the text messages aren't lurid enough and there were no "conjugal relations" as they say Down South, watch the media focus on the Imelda Marcos\Leona Helmsley\Marie Antoinette "Screw the little people, I got mine" aspect of the story. Remember, embezzlement scandals are great press if they have especially juicy details (a house remodeled with solid gold bathroom fixtures, outrageous numbers of shoes and clothing, wild spending sprees on parties, etc.) combined with an elitist, imperious "F the working man" attitude of the principals at the center of the scandal. ($5 says the Merc and the Lexus were "donated" by twisting arms. This is not a college booster buying a star running back a new car to play for State situation.) Think about Enron: Hardly any sex but plenty of waste and lavish living. If ORU goes down, the press focuses on the Robert's high lifestyle versus the broken dreams of their employees.

[mmack]

Oral himself has more or less laid low over the past couple decades, since his pronouncement that God would take him home unless X number of dollars was raised by donors.

LD, thanks for reminding me of a joke my brother told me back when Oral was trying the "God will take me home unless you pledge $1 million" schtick:

"Did you hear Oral Roberts died?"

"One of the checks bounced"

[Salamanda]

Ah, OK. Aurelius. That sort of makes sense. I had no idea, and I don't think I ever would have guessed that on my own. My pet theory was that it was some expression of maternal regret: "If only I'd swallowed..."

Still seems wrong to name your child "Oral". Playground life is brutal enough as it is.

[SPIIDERWEB™]

I'm with *snicker*. Great headline.

[Steve]

Here's hoping Dick can stand firm and upright during these repeated strokes of unfortunate press. The pressure on him surely must be building.

[Ecks]

Well I certainly hope he doesn't suffer from performance anxiety with all this public exposure. If he's unable to rise to the occasion he won't make any headway penetrating the suit he's up against, and really may wish his grandma had swallowed.

[Spalanzani]

Ow! Owowowowowow!

...My brain...

[Steve]

Yeah, even worse would be if the pressure builds to the point where he explodes publicly, thereby staining the university and himself. After that, there'd be no where to go by down. But, you know these televangelists...he'd no doubt be back laying on hands and praying for more outpouring of blessing almost immediately.

Personally, the guy never did it for me...he always rubbed me the wrong way, figuratively speaking of course.

[MichaelR]

Most of the scandals on the bullet list are pretty cut and dried as to why, exactly, they are scandals. One of them, however, puzzles me: the car donations.

Assuming a lack of arm-twisting and it was indeed a fair and aboveboard gift, where's the problem? I figure I'm missing something here, but I can't pin down what.

[Steve]

MichaelR: I'm curious to hear more about point as well. But if it is just as it says here, it may not be illegal, just extremely unethical, and in light of the other scandals, paint a picture of leaders seeking to enrich themselves through the charity's resources.

[Ecks]

Poor dick. If I were him I'd hit the bottle before he heads out to do public battle. A little social lubricant should help him ride over through those tight spots that can might otherwise chafe. It'll let him be properly slick, and he'll be in and out of there in a trice. If it gets too bad he can always imagine the audience naked. Or think of something really non-threatening, like under aged dudes.

Yeah, so buck up there little fella. Onward Christian soldiers and all that.

[Constantine]

Why the hell is he called "oral"?

A tribute to his grandfather, Oral Angus, who made his career as an army officer.

Now, his grandfather didn't go by his given name. Everyone just addressed him with his military rank after he retired, and he went by "Colonel Angus."

Thank you, thank you! I will be here all week!

[Axiomatic]

Edo's Imajica reference makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

[Jesurgislac]

TMI, Axiomatic. TMI.

[cjmr]

Fred: The Roberts' home has been remodeled 11 times in the past 14 years.

e nony: This one creeps me out more than any of the others. Seriously... Like maybe I can understand taking a trip to the Bahamas on the church's plane but who in the hell could possibly want to remodel their home THAT MANY TIMES even if it's being done with someone else's mone?

This is the one I'd like more context on. What do they mean by remodeled 11 times in 14 years? I've remodeled one or more rooms in our home every year since we bought it four years ago. Does that mean I've remodeled the house 7 times in 4 years, or does it mean that I'm in the middle of one on-going remodel? (anecdotal evidence warning) And what about my mom's friend who had winter colors for her living room and summer colors and changed all the curtains, slip covers, and bric-a-brac for each season and even repainted it every six months? Some people are just weird that way.

[Mabus]

I've heard "Oral" as an old-fashioned Southern male name -- you may have heard of Orel Hershiser, the baseball player -- It's a variant of "Aurelius", and has overtones of "Earl". "Orene", "Oralia", and such like are the female versions.

Aurelius, eh? That explains an awful lot. Maybe we should try harder with those wooden stakes after all.

[patter]

Trinity Foundation has been investigating similar bloodsuckers for years. They're Reverse Robin Hoods: take(and take and take, and keep asking for more...) from the poor and give to the rich, i.e., themselves.

[mmack]

One of them, however, puzzles me: the car donations.

Assuming a lack of arm-twisting and it was indeed a fair and aboveboard gift, where's the problem? I figure I'm missing something here, but I can't pin down what.

Michael R, I'll give it a shot. The cars fit into a general pattern of egregious excess. If the "boosters" donated a 10 passenger Chevrolet Express Van to Mrs. Roberts, who then turned it over to the university for school use, none of this would raise an eyebrow.

A quick check of the Mercedes Benz USA website shows the cheapest MB convertible comes in at $55K, while over at Lexus, the cheapest SUV rolls out the door at $39K. Just figuring the least expensive cars were donated (and in the context of the story, Mrs. Roberts has expensive tastes, so I'm figuring she didn't exactly "slum it" in the lower line Merc or Lexus), that's damned near $100K in new cars.

If your closest neighbor got two brand new cars stickering for $100K or more gratis from a non-relative, wouldn't you start wondering exactly how and why they got those cars? Add the Merc convertible and the Lexus SUV into the mix of a constantly remodeled house (watch for detailed stories about ridiculously expensive furnishings and rare "objects d'art") and a $39K bill for clothes and jewelry ("Imelda Marcos, paging Imelda Marcos on line 1"), and you've established the imperious attitude an embezzlement scandal needs to leap to the top of the Trash-TV heap. Someone with a "Screw the little people" attitude getting theirs sells well with the "little people".

If only Mrs. Roberts was content with a beige Toyota Camry, none of this would have ever happened.

[Geds]

A longtime maintenance employee was fired so that an underage male friend of Mrs. Roberts could have his position.

...his position...

Think the "longtime maintenance employee" was hired when he was 16?

[Robb]

*avoids temptation to give in to 13 year old joke urge*

As sad as I am that what was certainly for some, at some point, a wonderful institution for spiritual & theological instruction. . .

. . . oh fuck, who am I kidding? I'm so glad to see hypocrite fundamentalists get bit in the ass. I'm glad to know that the Wittenburg Door will have material to go on for a few more decades now, but deep down, I'm infuriated at people that are (ostensibly at least, who knows what they actually believe) my brothers & sisters have become such foul distortions of Christ followers.

I only hope & pray that this will clear out the shit from a place that's so obviously corrupted from what it used to be all about. Who knows - this could be the renaissance for the place - out with the old in with the new. Liberty U. is supposedly undergoing a host of subtle, positive shifts with the death of Falwell, I suspect (optimisitcally) that something similar will happen here with the ouster of the bourgeoisie Roberts clan.

I have to chime in something on the sex issue, though. The guy who did our (my wife & I) marriage was a long time youth pastor who was involved a handful of molestation incidents. He turned himself in & one of the first things he said was that his ministry was over, and even when he gets out of jail, he'll never be able to get back into anything like that. It's frustrating that because this Oral (oh grow up!) Roberts thing is mainly about money, these people won't be destroyed like they should be. Then again, this whole thing seems to be at the outset, so it's anyone's guess as to what will happen. And, I admit, I'm also very curious about the text messages thing - it will be interesting once that comes out.

[dangermouse]

Don't count on this affecting the Robertses ability to raise money and get their asses kissed by office-seekers. Hillsdale College keeps plugging along, doesn't it?

[Tonio]

I would love to see this scandal lead to a downfall for all of fundamentalism, or at least an end to fundamentalism's assault on the First Amendment. But that is just my wishful thinking - the movement came back stronger after the televangelist scandals in the 1980s.

[Jeff Weskamp]

"Mrs. Roberts -- who is a member of the board of regents and is referred to as ORU's 'first lady' on the university's Web site -- frequently had cell-phone bills of more than $800 per month, with hundreds of text messages sent between 1 a.m. to 3 a.m. to 'underage males who had been provided phones at university expense.' "

I'll admit I'm curious about what kind of text messages she'd sent to those "underage males" between 1 a.m. and 3 a.m. Now, now, let's not jump to any hasty conclusions! She may have sent them Bible verses, we don't know! Probably some nice, wholesome verses from the Song of Solomon......

[cjmr]

Probably some nice, wholesome verses from the Song of Solomon......

I am so glad I swallowed my soda before I read that! So's my laptop.

[Robb]

nice, wholesome verses from the Song of Solomon

Most folk of the fundamentalist, Oral Roberts-grad type folks would vehemently ignore the fact that such literature is part of the Bible, as it is far from "nice" or "wholesome".

[cjmr]

Even if they acknowledge its existence, they sure aren't going to interpret it literally. *wicked Colbert-style eyebrow quirk*

[Geds]

Most folk of the fundamentalist, Oral Roberts-grad type folks would vehemently ignore the fact that such literature is part of the Bible, as it is far from "nice" or "wholesome".

It's so true.

There's a group called the Dove Foundation that screens movies to make sure they're "family friendly" that I peruse on a regular basis because they amuse the crap out of me. I share the random tidbits with my co-workers. One day one of the guys said, "You know, I don't think the Dove Foundation would approve of the Bible..."

[Salamanda]

Dove seems to at least make attempts to be reasonable, if a little PAX-channely. For a good time, see CAP Alert.

[Ecks]

Even if they acknowledge its existence, they sure aren't going to interpret it literally. *wicked Colbert-style eyebrow quirk*

CJMR, FTW.

[Salamanda]

Oooo, and they even address your unredeemed heathen comment about the Bible, Geds!

(On a side note, every time I see "sin-ema" on that page, my brain reads it as "sin-enema". I don't know what to make of that.)

[Salamanda]

Whoops, that last link should have been to here.

[Geds]

Oooo, and they even address your unredeemed heathen comment about the Bible, Geds!

Hooray! And it's all convoluted and confusing and everything. Also, I love the way I've gone from "accepted in to the M.Div program at Trinity Evangelical Divinity School" to "unredeemed heathen" in the space of, like, six months.

Y'know, nobody ever sits around and tells their testimonies about how they stopped having faith. I think that would be a fun activity. And I'm currently working on a novel that does exactly that (which, ironically, started as a Christian novel that I could never figure out the ending to. Turns out that it wasn't possible for the book to work in any acceptably Christian sort of way...).

And, yeah, CAP Alert is a lot less enjoyable than Dove. The CAP dude is just kind of scary. But I'll bet he got really mad at the people who work in sin-ema for supporting MoveOn and the horrible, uncalled for character assassination of General Betray-Us...

[Salamanda]

Really? I think, at least in small doses, CAP Alert is a lot more enjoyable, for wacko entertainment value. My favorite line so far?

"Also, I suspect Jesus would not approve of Mrs. Tweedy pinching the buttocks of Mr. Tweedy before a few million kids."
(from the Chicken Run review)

Hear that, kids? Marital ass-pinching makes baby Jesus cry.

[mmack]

(On a side note, every time I see "sin-ema" on that page, my brain reads it as "sin-enema". I don't know what to make of that.)

Salamanda, don't feel bad. I kept reading the title "Why Don't You CAP the Bible?" as "Why Don't You Pop a CAP into the Bible?".

Too worldly and too many rap videos, I guess.