L.B.: Buck & Hattie & Ray & Chloe

Left Behind, pp. 361-364

Toward the end of Chapter 19, we were treated to the thrilling spectacle of Buck Williams leaving a message for Hattie Durham at the Pan-Con Club (Wilkommen!). Chapter 20 begins with the equally exciting account of that message being received at the other end.

Here's the opening lines of Chapter 20 as they appear in the book:

Rayford and Chloe Steele waited until 1:30 in the afternoon, then decided to head for their hotel. On their way out of the Pan-Con Club, Rayford stopped to leave a message for Hattie, in case she came in. "We just got another message for her," the girl at the counter said. "A secretary for a Cameron Williams said Mr. Williams would catch up with her here if she would call him when she got in."

"When did that message come?" Rayford asked.

"Just after one."

"Maybe we'll wait a few more minutes."

Rayford and Chloe were sitting near the entrance when Hattie rushed in. ...

And here is how the opening of Chapter 20 would have read had this book been even hastily edited:

Rayford and Chloe were sitting near the entrance to the Pan-Con Club when Hattie rushed in. ...

This illustrates one of the reasons why Left Behind: The Movie is so much better than the book.* Don't misunderstand -- the movie is not good, it's just less horrible than the novel, partly because it's not as long. Movies are produced on a budget, and that financial economy requires a corresponding dramatic economy that the novelist is not compelled to respect.

Here on the page, Jerry Jenkins storyboards a scene for us: Buck gets out of a cab, walks across the sidewalk and into the building, through the lobby, into the elevator, down the hall, through the newsroom, and into Stanton Bailey's office. So let's see, that's about seven sets that need to be built and decorated, and a couple of dozen extras that need to be hired. A movie budget wouldn't allow that, so in the film you just start the scene right there in Bailey's office instead of wasting all that money and the audience's time. A movie budget also wouldn't allow you to hire a cast of thousands to play parts like Pan-Con Counter Girl No. 2 -- parts that offer nothing of value to actor or audience.

Rayford and Hattie were sitting near the entrance when Hattie rushed in. Rayford smiled at her, but she immediately seemed to slow, as if she had just happened to run into them. "Oh, hi," she said, showing her identification at the counter and taking her message. Rayford let her play her game. He deserved it.

So Rayford assumes Hattie was in a breathless rush because she was so eager to see him. Readers know different. We know she's in a hurry because she's running late thanks to Buck leaving her in a curbside cab for half an hour. Rayford's misinterpretation of this could have been an interesting bit of character development -- a reminder that the born-again Rayford did not instantaneously become a saint, that overcoming his vanity and his preening narcissism will be a struggle and a process.

But that's not what the authors are doing here -- they seem to share Rayford's take on this scene, portraying it as reliable. They share his impression of Hattie as a silly girl -- a girl, and therefore by definition silly -- who shouldn't be taken seriously. They have her babble for a bit about meeting Nicolae ("Did you know he's going to be named People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive?") and how busy and important Buck Williams is, while Rayford responds with smirking condescension. "You don't say," he says. "Quite a morning for you, wasn't it?"

Chloe, meanwhile, just stands there. You'd think she'd have something to say, since meeting one's father's pseudo-mistress for the first time, I would imagine, would be a significant event. But at least this way we can imagine that Rayford's mortifying behavior has rendered her speechless and thus, for at least a little while longer, we can continue to like her as a character.

Buck is already at the airport, making his way to the Pan-Con Club, but since he's not quite there yet the authors still have time to squeeze in one more phone call. It's the Pan-Con trifecta: Buck leaves the message, Hattie receives it, and then she returns his call. If there were a Cliff Notes summary of Left Behind it wouldn't need to include a plot summary, just the LUDs from Buck's and Rayford's phones.

Chapter 20 presents a structural challenge for the authors. They have, so far, capably alternated between the points of view of their dual protagonists -- Rayford scene, Buck scene, Rayford scene, Buck scene, etc. They indicate these changes of scene and perspective with the serviceable visual cue of a chunk of white space and a horizontal line.

The tricky thing here is that our heroes come together for the first time, meeting and shaking hands. That's both a Rayford scene and a Buck scene, and readers will need to see it from both characters' points of view. Jenkins gamely sticks with the alternating POV approach, but the result is a chapter in which we get one of these

 

 

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on every page. Here for example, Rayford and Hattie are talking:

"And how is Mr. Williams?"

"Very nice, but very busy. I'd better call him. Excuse me."

 

 

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Buck was on an escalator inside the terminal when his phone rang. "Well, hello yourself," Hattie said.

"I am so sorry, Miss Durham."

"Oh, please," she said. "Anybody who leaves me in midtown Manhattan in an expensive cab can call me by my first name. I insist."

"And I insist on paying for that cab."

Points for Buck for apologizing and offering to pay for the cab. In contrast with Rayford, he almost seems like a stand-up guy. Points for Hattie, too, for this:

"You're a nice guy, but it's obvious we're not kindred spirits. Thanks for seeing me and especially for introducing me to Mr. Carpathia."

Over the 363 pages we've read so far, I've come to think of Hattie as two different entities. There's Hattie the author's puppet, misused and mistreated by them and by their arrogant Mary Sue surrogates. But there's also Hattie the person -- the character struggling against the puppet strings, trying to assert a bit of dignity and humanity.

This second Hattie is an accident, an unintended presence in the story. I find this presence reassuring. Jenkins is a careless hack and he seems to have put more effort into preventing the character of Hattie from coming to life than into making her seem human. And yet there she is. When a piece of fiction or drama works, the characters seem to take on a life of their own. Action begets character which in turn begets action, and dialogue seems to write itself. Yet even here, in this impossible story in which characters are forced to behave arbitrarily in the service of an incoherent, external plot imposed on them from above, even here there are signs of life. If the authors neglect, or obstruct, the act of creation, the readers will supply it, almost involuntarily. Story puts flesh on bones, even in a bad story.

Buck asks Hattie, again, if she'll introduce him to Rayford when he arrives. She plays along with the idea that they hadn't already agreed to this and turns back to ask Rayford if he'd agree to meet the reporter.

 

 

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So Hattie's cupping her hand over the receiver to put Buck on hold is actually a scene change. We're back in Rayford's point of view which means, of course, that we'll be treated to more of his inappropriate musings:

Rayford was wondering if Hattie had a date with Buck Williams that evening. The right thing to do would be to invite her to dinner at his and Chloe's hotel. Now she was waving him over to the pay phone.

"The right thing to do."

Now you know. If you're ever trying to simultaneously brush-off and proselytize your pseudo-mistress and you find she's moving on with her life and dating other men, then the right thing to do would be to invite her to dinner. At your hotel. With your daughter.

"Rayford, Buck Williams wants to meet you. He's doing a story and wants to interview you. ... I suppose about flying or the disappearances. ..."

"Tell him sure, I'll see him. In fact, why don't you ask him to join the three of us for dinner tonight, if you're free." Hattie stared at Rayford as if she had been tricked into something. "Come on, Hattie. You and I will talk this afternoon, then we'll all get together for dinner at six at the Carlisle."

She turned back to the phone and told Buck. "Where are you now?" she asked. She paused. "You're not!" Hattie peeked around the corner, laughed and waved. Covering the mouthpiece, she turned to Rayford. "That's him right there on the portable phone!"

"Well, why don't you both hang up and you can make the introductions," Rayford said.

I'll give credit where it's due -- Jenkins handles the POV almost elegantly there, switching to the one-sided phone conversation as Rayford would hear it. The larger structural difficulty -- choosing whose perspective to portray for a conversation between the two protagonists -- is also handily postponed. Almost as soon as they meet, Buck and Rayford part ways. The lovestruck Buck Williams wanders off with Chloe to do their best impression of Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy in Before Sunrise (with the terminal at JFK substituting for Vienna), and Rayford takes Hattie aside to present the strange psychospiritual speech he's been rehearsing in his head for days.

Those scenes are every bit as wincingly uncomfortable as they sound, so be warned: Next week's installment of LB Friday may be unpleasant.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

* Since I've mentioned the movie, and since we've got just five chapters left in the first volume of the series, this seems like a good point to mention my plans for the future of LB Fridays. After Book 1, I thought we'd deal with the movie for at least a few weeks as a kind of palate-cleanser -- a slice of Velveeta before we begin sampling from the swill of Book 2, Tribulation Force. There may also be a slight hiatus in there somewhere while we take Left Behind! The Musical! on tour. (No, not really. Probably not really.)

Comments

[Randy Owens]

You're kidding about there being a musical, right? Please, please, please?

[Boze]

Yay for Left Behind Fridays.

I've been thinking about the scene - I believe it's in either "Nicolae" or "Soul Harvest" - where Rayford looks at the emblem of the Carpathia regime, which he wears on his shirt, and wishes he could rip it off. In the novel, this scene reads something like, "He looked into the mirror, at the emblem of the Carpathia regime... he wanted to rip it off."

I've always considered this one of the greater instances of a failure of imagination in the novels. In the final Harry Potter novel, J. K. Rowling was able to create an air of menace and suspicion by alluding frequently to the sign of the Deathly Hallows, which looked something like a triangle with a line down the middle. Jerry Jenkins could have taken half a minute or so to try and imagine a sinister emblem that would represent the evil ruler of the end of days.

Personally, I always imagined it being the triquetra:

http://www.av1611.org/nkjv.html

[Dusty]

Hey now, I'd go to see "Left Behind! The Musical!". After all, it can't be as terrible as the book, right? ...right? Anyway, I'm ecstatic to hear that you'll be covering Book 2 for the devoted fans of Left Behind Fridays. I'm looking forward to it.

[Boze]

Not least because fundamentalists seem to think that the triquetra is the mark of the beast. The only moment I can recall in the books where Jerry became comparatively creative was in the sixth, when he introduced Viv Ivins, who introduces the mark - her name is 666 in Roman numerals.

Can you think of a better emblem that would represent the Mark?

[Seminarian]

Left Behind: The Musical might actually be decent if it were put together by a good playwright... I could see it as a moody dark comedy, where the characters are inexplicably played absolutely straight, but the musical sections reveal the satirical aim of the writer.

[Jos]

After Book 1, I thought we'd deal with the movie for at least a few weeks as a kind of palate-cleanser

I don't think the movie, less terrible as it might be, will do the job.

I suggest some more pleasant fare. Like the Necronomicon.

[Fraser]

I had a customer inform me with complete seriousness that no matter what numbers bar codes have under them, if you can interpret them correctly, as he does, they all say 6-6-6.

[greygelgoog]

Considering Fred's comment about Hattie's character seemingly defying the authors in an unintentional attempt to become interesting and likable, it's kinda sad what these writers (cough) tend to do to such characters in later books:
"Good Lord, a character is actually showing development!"
"Kill it! KILL IT!"

[A Texan in Bavaria]

I challenge the Right Behinders to create "Left Behind: The Musical".

Suggested featured numbers:

- Rayford contemplating his non-affair with Hattie, and his current wish to convert her. "I don't know how to win her" (echoing "I Don't Know How to Love Him" from "Jesus Christ Superstar")

- Chloe and Hattie, split scene duet: "What's Come Over My Dad/Rayford?"

- Nicklaus Alpen, Stonagal and others: "Plot Plot Plot, Scheme Scheme Scheme, Manipulate Manipulate" (perhaps an homage to some of the fantastic men's company numbers of "Guys and Dolls")

- Buck "Gotta Get the Story, but Wait..."

- Company: "Hold the Phone!" (think "La Vie Boheme" from "Rent")

[Boze]

I actually admire the way this is handled in "The Christ Clone Trilogy." Christopher Goodman is a Christlike figure who has empathy and the ability to heal, and he received the role of Secretary-General of the UN when the previous secretary was killed in the India-Pakistan war. After his return from the dead, he goes to Jerusalem and slams the two witnesses against a wall. Their mangled bodies lie in the streets for several days, and he throws himself from the roof of the temple, to the joy of all.

Then he explains the truth of things: he really is the clone of Jesus Christ, but when he came to earth 2,000 years ago, he realized that his Father was an evil tyrant who betrayed him to his death. His purpose in returning to the earth is to liberate the mass of mankind from the oppressive grip of the Father-God. He explains to the peoples of the world that the Father knew this would happen, and he prophesied it in the Book of Revelation. Only, he was trying to turn the world against their Christ, and so he called him "the Beast." While Christopher Goodman is the clone of Jesus Christ, God wants them to believe that he's also the Beast of the Apocalypse. As a consequence, if anyone wishes to show their defiance, they should take his mark, which is the number 666...

[Yoyo]

Those scenes are every bit as wincingly uncomfortable as they sound, so be warned: Next week's installment of LB Friday may be unpleasant.

More unpleasant than the current scene? There must be a deep wellspring of anger within Jenkins' heart for him to inflict this on his fellow man.

[Yoyo]

Oh, and I'm imagining the Left Behind musical with Troy McClure from The Simpsons as Rayford.

[Robb]

There may also be a slight hiatus in there somewhere while we take Left Behind! The Musical! on tour.

Ooooooh... I'd love to play Stonegal or Todd-Cothran. Sure, Nicky would get all the good songs, but he'd have to pretend he was a good guy. I once tried out for Fagin in Oliver! and somehow ended up being cast as Bill Sykes, but I ended up having way more fun as the one-dimensional villain.

[Johnny Pez]

be warned: Next week's installment of LB Friday may be unpleasant.

I once sat through five whole minutes of Cleopatra 2525 and lived to tell the tale. I fear nothing.

[Rowan]

Slacktivist on Tribulation Force! Hooray! :)

[twig]

I once sat through five whole minutes of Cleopatra 2525 and lived to tell the tale. I fear nothing.

Win.

[Bugmaster]

Jerry Jenkins could have taken half a minute or so to try and imagine a sinister emblem that would represent the evil ruler of the end of days.

Rayford looked in the mirror, and, as he now did everyday, steeled himself for what he was about to see. Was his face a little narrower ? The bags under his eyes a little deeper ? It was hard to tell... Even the Carpathian Emblem on his shirt seemed to be changing, against all reason. Were its tentacles a little longer, its wings a little wider, than yesterday ? Rayford looked away. He couldn't shake the feeling that the Emblem was leering at him, though how a creature with tentacles instead of a mouth could leer, he did not know.

[Abelardus]

Fred, thanks for outlining the L.B. Fridays to come: examining the movies ought to be a less-unpleasant interlude before we approach the madness of the sequel.

[Dahne]

A Texan in Bavaria: Don't forget the classic number, "The Jews! The Jews! What About Those Crafty Jews?"

[Geds]

I once sat through five whole minutes of Cleopatra 2525 and lived to tell the tale. I fear nothing.

Yeah, well I've seen every episode of Jack of All Trades and still respect Bruce Campbell as a human being and (kinda) actor...

Those scenes are every bit as wincingly uncomfortable as they sound, so be warned: Next week's installment of LB Friday may be unpleasant.

Unpleasant how? Getting hit over the head by a falling ladder unpleasant, being late for work on performance review day unpleasant, or getting goatse in your email unpleasant?

[Multispork]

I'm so delighted that LB Fridays will continue with Tribulation Force. Can't wait for Buck & Chloe's courtship and the squirmy horror of the cookie scene. As Fred has progressed with LB I started to dread the day he reached the end, because I didn't want the story to finish. This is definitely something that didn't happen when I read the book, which was abandoned about 3/4 through with a mixture of boredom, revulsion and disgust.

[mmack]

Buck was on an escalator inside the terminal when his phone rang. "Well, hello yourself," Hattie said.

"I am so sorry, Miss Durham."

"Oh, please," she said. "Anybody who leaves me in midtown Manhattan in an expensive cab can call me by my first name. I insist."

"And I insist on paying for that cab."

Points for Buck for apologizing and offering to pay for the cab. In contrast with Rayford, he almost seems like a stand-up guy. Points for Hattie, too, for this:

"You're a nice guy, but it's obvious we're not kindred spirits. Thanks for seeing me and especially for introducing me to Mr. Carpathia."

Fred, I can agree with you to a point on the maddening thing about Left Behind being that every once in a while, there's a glimmer of, well, not billiance, but competence in the writing. I agree too where there's a Hattie the person and a Hattie the straw(wo)man. Every one of the characters in the book shows that duality, exposing their humanity as if by accident. But I diverge with you in her response to the Goofiest Investigative Reporter In The World. An author with an understanding about how real people react would have written it this way:

Buck was on an escalator inside the terminal when his cell phone rang. He answered it and to his shock Hattie icily replied "Well hello yourself!"

"I am so sorry, Miss Durham."

"Sorry, do you think 'Sorry' makes up for being left in a cab for an hour while you're off doing God knows what? And then I have to pay for the cab ride home? Is this how you treat your friends, Buck?"

"Hattie, please", Buck stammered, "I apologze for last night. And I insist on paying for that cab."

"You'd better!" Hattie snapped.

A few more stammered lines from Buck and a general softening of Hattie's foul mood with him and you can get a smooth roll into this:

"Look, Buck, You're a nice guy, but it's obvious we won't work out. Thanks for seeing me and especially for introducing me to Mr. Carpathia."

Buck bit his lowere lip in frustration. Dumped again, he thought

[Martin Wisse]

After Book 1, I thought we'd deal with the movie for at least a few weeks as a kind of palate-cleanser -- a slice of Velveeta before we begin sampling from the swill of Book 2,

Oh dear lord.

You do realise it will be your grandchildren who will finish Left Behind Fridays if you want to go through all the books at this speed?

[Elmo]

But at least this way we can imagine that Rayford's mortifying behavior has rendered her [Chloe] speechless and thus, for at least a little while longer, we can continue to like her as a character.

After she loses her head she becomes really sanctimonious.

[tpjim]

If someone else does the main LB musical, I'll do a LaHaye/Jenkins version of Merrily We Roll Along. How did they ever get to be here?

[A Texan in Bavaria]

Dahne: Don't forget the classic number, "The Jews! The Jews! What About Those Crafty Jews?"

Of course! It'll make a great dance number. About six guys with yarmulkes and prayer shawls quickly peeking around from behind the scenery, then popping out for about 10-15 seconds of dancing the hora around the number's primary performers, with appropriate music while they're on stage.

[Geds]

You do realise it will be your grandchildren who will finish Left Behind Fridays if you want to go through all the books at this speed?

Well they'll have to do something while they're sitting around not getting Raptured...

[Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Goat]

Rayford looked in the mirror, and, as he now did everyday, steeled himself for what he was about to see. Was his face a little narrower ? The bags under his eyes a little deeper ? It was hard to tell... Even the Carpathian Emblem on his shirt seemed to be changing, against all reason. Were its tentacles a little longer, its wings a little wider, than yesterday ? Rayford looked away. He couldn't shake the feeling that the Emblem was leering at him, though how a creature with tentacles instead of a mouth could leer, he did not know.

Madness creeped in at the edges of Rayford's consciousness, and fear, fear of the madness, fear of what he knew what was to come. He knew what he had to do. He got down on his knees to pray...

"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh whah'nagl fhtagn. Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh whah'nagl fhtagn. Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh whah'nagl fhtagn."

Then he rose, secure in the Blessed Assurance that when the end came, he, Rayford Steele, would be among the first to be eaten.

[Ursula L]

I'll second mmack on that scene. "Anybody who leaves me in midtown Manhattan in an expensive cab can call me by my first name. I insist." is innane. They guy just stuck her with a huge cab bill, and she offers him the intimacy of using her first name?

Perhaps:

Buck was on an escalator inside the terminal when his cell phone rang. He answered it and to his shock Hattie icily replied "Well hello yourself!"

"I am so sorry, Miss Durham."

"Sorry, do you think 'Sorry' makes up for being left in a cab for an hour while you're off doing God knows what? And then I have to pay for the cab ride home? Is this how you treat your friends, Buck?"

"Hattie, please", Buck stammered, "I apologze for last night. And I insist on paying for that cab."

"That's Ms. Durham to you, Mister Williams. And you'd better!" Hattie snapped.

[mmack]

Oh, and I'm imagining the Left Behind musical with Troy McClure from The Simpsons as Rayford.

Rayford: I hate every fundie I see
From sea to shining sea
No you'll never make a fundie out of me

Oh my God, I was wrong
I'm Left Behind, all alone
You've finally made a fundie

Ensemble: Yes we've finally made a fundie
Rayford: Yes you've finally made a fundie out of me
Ensemble: Yes we've finally made a fundie out of you
Rayford: I love you, Jesus!

[Cletus]

So I was just at the bookstore, thought I'd look at the front wall where they keep the new releases/big sellers. LaJenkins. Bleh. It looks as if they've got a book about Mark. Funnily enough, I thought some guy named Q had already written one.

[mmack]

Of course! It'll make a great dance number. About six guys with yarmulkes and prayer shawls quickly peeking around from behind the scenery, then popping out for about 10-15 seconds of dancing the hora around the number's primary performers, with appropriate music while they're on stage.

Cue the Klezmer band.

[Dahne]

Ursula L: I think it's sarcasm. More along the lines of the main character in Dolores Claiborne telling the police officer, "If you're going to insinuate I stood watching my dying husband as he screamed for help, you can go right ahead and call me Dolores."

(I confess to a soft spot for Stephen King.)

[car]

No. No, no, no, no. You are NOT getting me to watch that movie just so I can be in the know to enjoy the smackdown better. Not happening.

[Ecks]

The Triquetra looks like Ontario's logo (or at least, the old version)... see half way down here.

Man, you guys are harsh on your friends. Somebody introduces you to the most powerful man in the world, and you're all ready to get all bitchy on him just because he's a completely inconsiderate jackass heel.

I thought her line was meant to be both a gentle hint that he owes her money, along with unspoken forgiveness by giving him permission to use her first name.

But then, maybe I'm confusing this with good writing.

[Geds]

But then, maybe I'm confusing this with good writing.

It's okay. The first time is always the hardest.

[Ursula L]

Dahne: (I confess to a soft spot for Stephen King.)

I've not read much Stephen King, I'm more of an academic nonfiction reader at the moment. And in general, I don't do well with popular culture. :P

[jamoche]

The UN Roll Call scene has to be done Animaniacs-style:
Yakko's World

"He couldn't shake the feeling that the Emblem was leering at him, though how a creature with tentacles instead of a mouth could leer, he did not know."

You should have written "Left Behind."

We should all get together and collaborate on a goofy round-robin satire of the series. Who wants to write the first post?

[Zorya]

Those scenes are every bit as wincingly uncomfortable as they sound, so be warned: Next week's installment of LB Friday may be unpleasant.

That's ok. We've stuck with ya this long. We have strong constitutions! :-)

[Jeff Weskamp]

"This illustrates one of the reasons why Left Behind: The Movie is so much better than the book."

Speaking of PMD-inspired movies, I have actually seen quite of few of them (for laughs and giggles, of course).

Has anyone ever watched The Omega Code? It was good for some unintentional laughs, and the scene where the Antichrist (played by Michael York) gets shot in the head and comes back from the dead is actually pretty cool. York sells the role fairly well.

Omega Code II: Megiddo is amusing in a cheesy horror-movie kind of way. It was written by horror hack John Fasano and rips off the second Omen movie quite a bit. The film's finale features Michael York turning into a CG devil that looks exactly like a D&D Pit Fiend. York also pukes forth a plague of locusts that attacks China (!?), and the ever-creepy Udo Kier (Germany's answer to Vincent Price) serves as York's lieutenant.

But for truly GHASTLY "Christian" entertainment, for a audio-visual experience that will make you want to shove your head through your TV screen,...... check out "Judgement" and "Tribulation" by Cloud Ten Pictures (the folks who've brought us the Left Behind flicks). Truly the movie-viewing equivalent of rusty nails being drug across a blackboard! One film (can't remember which) features Gary Busey as a unbeliever who gets hit by a truck and put into a coma. He awakens in the world ruled by the Antichrist. And everyone who takes the Mark of the Beast gains the power to.... perform cheap tricks like levitating books and moving glasses of water through telekinesis! Wow!

The other one stars Jeff Fahey as a man trying to find his raptured wife and daughter. He falls in with a group of underground Christians (shades of Tribulation Force....) broadcasting snippets of Jack and Rexella Van Impe to convince those left behind not to serve the Antichrist (played by Nick Mancuso).

You know, Fred should periodically review one of these films for the LB Blog. Each movie would probably on take a few weeks to describe in full. I'd LOVE to read his criticism of the scene in the second LB film where Buck is rendered invisible to the GC Guards so he can talk to the Two Witnesses. He would tear it to bloody shreds!

[damnedyankee]

I once sat through five whole minutes of Cleopatra 2525 and lived to tell the tale. I fear nothing.

Yeah, well I've seen every episode of Jack of All Trades and still respect Bruce Campbell as a human being and (kinda) actor...

Luxury. I've sat through all of The Star Wars Christmas Special, the live-action Justice League pilot with David Ogden Stiers, and the non-MST3K cut of Manos: The Hands of Fate.

Bring on Kirk Cameron! I fear him not!

[Jeff Weskamp]

"There may also be a slight hiatus in there somewhere while we take Left Behind! The Musical! on tour. (No, not really. Probably not really.)"

Hey, how about we produce a VeggieTales Musical! I'll play Pa Grape. Who will play the other Veggies? Which one will Fred play....

"We are the Pirates, who don't do anything
We just stay home and lie around....
And if you ask us to do anything,
We'll just tell you,.... we don't do anything!"

[Bugmaster]

And everyone who takes the Mark of the Beast gains the power to.... perform cheap tricks like levitating books and moving glasses of water through telekinesis! Wow!

Sign me up. I still remember a D&D session where the GM let one of the novice players make a Sorcerer, using the mana-pool magic system instead of the stupid spell memorization system -- and then, he advised them to take Mage Hand. Which is a lv0 spell. So it's free. So you can keep casting it over and over.

There's a lot of stuff that you can do with 5 lbs of ranged telekinetic force. Quite a lot. Especially if you're smart about targeting the right things (unlike, say, stupid things like glasses of water in plain sight). Despite the sting of jealousy, I know that the GM made a wise decision when he didn't give me this power.

[cminus]

I had a customer inform me with complete seriousness that no matter what numbers bar codes have under them, if you can interpret them correctly, as he does, they all say 6-6-6.

I bet it's true that you can interpret any set of bar code numbers as saying 6-6-6 if that's what you want the final result to be. In fact, let's test this with things on my desk:

Crystal Light "on the go" box, 43000 01118. The numbers add up to 18, or 6-6-6.

Steno pad, 71503 76010. The numbers, consisting of ten numbers in two sets of five, add up to 30. 30/10 = 3, and 30/5 = 6, so we're supposed to have three sets of six, or 6-6-6.

Phone message book, 87958 31154. 8+7 = 15, and 1+5 = 6. 9+5 = 14, and 14-8 = 6. 31-15 = 1A in base 14 (remember, Revelation 1:4 is the verse where John addresses his readers), 1A becomes 24 in base 10, 24/4 = 6. 6-6-6.

Yes, it may sound crazy to you, because it is crazy. But is it really any less crazy than premillenial dispensationalism?

[mmack]

There may also be a slight hiatus in there somewhere while we take Left Behind! The Musical! on tour.

Fred,

I'm disappointed in you. Have you forgotten the cardinal rule of Slacktivist? That title should be Left Behind The Musical, in my pants! :^P

[bulbul]

Has anyone ever watched The Omega Code? It was good for some unintentional laughs, and the scene where the Antichrist (played by Michael York) gets shot in the head and comes back from the dead is actually pretty cool. York sells the role fairly well.
Oh! Oh! Oh! I've seen it! I have! It was back at the college and it was a Thursday evening when one of the private channels would air a movie the rights for which had apparently spent a year or two in the discount bin. Which usually meant a really REALLY bad movie, except that one time they aired El Mariachi. Anyway, me and my buddy, we had seen the brief description of "The Omega Code" in the TV guide and decided to check it out. Oh boy, what a wonderful time we had! We started out giving it the full MST3K/Slacktivist treatment, but after 20 minutes we just gave up and watched and laughed and laughed and laughed. When the credits started rolling, we calmed down, refilled the hookah and checked the TV guide for the next week thinking whatever they would air next Thursday, it couldn't possibly be worse. The page for Thursday read "22:00 Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000".

[mmack]

A Texan In Bavaria,

May I suggest adding Papa Don't Preach with updated lyrics as a song for Chloe?

Just sayin'

[cminus]

There's a lot of stuff that you can do with 5 lbs of ranged telekinetic force. Quite a lot. Especially if you're smart about targeting the right things (unlike, say, stupid things like glasses of water in plain sight). Despite the sting of jealousy, I know that the GM made a wise decision when he didn't give me this power.

And you resisted the temptation to spend 900 gp on a Hand of the Mage? You're more dedicated to play balance than I am.

(My GM thought he regretted giving my rogue a Bag of Tricks, until I got my sweaty little mitts on a Hand of the Mage. Then he knew what regret truly was. I eventually had to agree to give it up. Incidentally, cool thing about Mage Hand: since it only works on nonmagical items, it doubles as a Detect Magic spell that can't be fooled by Magic Aura or Undetectable Aura.)