L.B.: Buck & Hattie & Ray & Chloe

Left Behind, pp. 361-364

Toward the end of Chapter 19, we were treated to the thrilling spectacle of Buck Williams leaving a message for Hattie Durham at the Pan-Con Club (Wilkommen!). Chapter 20 begins with the equally exciting account of that message being received at the other end.

Here's the opening lines of Chapter 20 as they appear in the book:

Rayford and Chloe Steele waited until 1:30 in the afternoon, then decided to head for their hotel. On their way out of the Pan-Con Club, Rayford stopped to leave a message for Hattie, in case she came in. "We just got another message for her," the girl at the counter said. "A secretary for a Cameron Williams said Mr. Williams would catch up with her here if she would call him when she got in."

"When did that message come?" Rayford asked.

"Just after one."

"Maybe we'll wait a few more minutes."

Rayford and Chloe were sitting near the entrance when Hattie rushed in. ...

And here is how the opening of Chapter 20 would have read had this book been even hastily edited:

Rayford and Chloe were sitting near the entrance to the Pan-Con Club when Hattie rushed in. ...

This illustrates one of the reasons why Left Behind: The Movie is so much better than the book.* Don't misunderstand -- the movie is not good, it's just less horrible than the novel, partly because it's not as long. Movies are produced on a budget, and that financial economy requires a corresponding dramatic economy that the novelist is not compelled to respect.

Here on the page, Jerry Jenkins storyboards a scene for us: Buck gets out of a cab, walks across the sidewalk and into the building, through the lobby, into the elevator, down the hall, through the newsroom, and into Stanton Bailey's office. So let's see, that's about seven sets that need to be built and decorated, and a couple of dozen extras that need to be hired. A movie budget wouldn't allow that, so in the film you just start the scene right there in Bailey's office instead of wasting all that money and the audience's time. A movie budget also wouldn't allow you to hire a cast of thousands to play parts like Pan-Con Counter Girl No. 2 -- parts that offer nothing of value to actor or audience.

Rayford and Hattie were sitting near the entrance when Hattie rushed in. Rayford smiled at her, but she immediately seemed to slow, as if she had just happened to run into them. "Oh, hi," she said, showing her identification at the counter and taking her message. Rayford let her play her game. He deserved it.

So Rayford assumes Hattie was in a breathless rush because she was so eager to see him. Readers know different. We know she's in a hurry because she's running late thanks to Buck leaving her in a curbside cab for half an hour. Rayford's misinterpretation of this could have been an interesting bit of character development -- a reminder that the born-again Rayford did not instantaneously become a saint, that overcoming his vanity and his preening narcissism will be a struggle and a process.

But that's not what the authors are doing here -- they seem to share Rayford's take on this scene, portraying it as reliable. They share his impression of Hattie as a silly girl -- a girl, and therefore by definition silly -- who shouldn't be taken seriously. They have her babble for a bit about meeting Nicolae ("Did you know he's going to be named People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive?") and how busy and important Buck Williams is, while Rayford responds with smirking condescension. "You don't say," he says. "Quite a morning for you, wasn't it?"

Chloe, meanwhile, just stands there. You'd think she'd have something to say, since meeting one's father's pseudo-mistress for the first time, I would imagine, would be a significant event. But at least this way we can imagine that Rayford's mortifying behavior has rendered her speechless and thus, for at least a little while longer, we can continue to like her as a character.

Buck is already at the airport, making his way to the Pan-Con Club, but since he's not quite there yet the authors still have time to squeeze in one more phone call. It's the Pan-Con trifecta: Buck leaves the message, Hattie receives it, and then she returns his call. If there were a Cliff Notes summary of Left Behind it wouldn't need to include a plot summary, just the LUDs from Buck's and Rayford's phones.

Chapter 20 presents a structural challenge for the authors. They have, so far, capably alternated between the points of view of their dual protagonists -- Rayford scene, Buck scene, Rayford scene, Buck scene, etc. They indicate these changes of scene and perspective with the serviceable visual cue of a chunk of white space and a horizontal line.

The tricky thing here is that our heroes come together for the first time, meeting and shaking hands. That's both a Rayford scene and a Buck scene, and readers will need to see it from both characters' points of view. Jenkins gamely sticks with the alternating POV approach, but the result is a chapter in which we get one of these

 

 

------------------------------

on every page. Here for example, Rayford and Hattie are talking:

"And how is Mr. Williams?"

"Very nice, but very busy. I'd better call him. Excuse me."

 

 

------------------------------

Buck was on an escalator inside the terminal when his phone rang. "Well, hello yourself," Hattie said.

"I am so sorry, Miss Durham."

"Oh, please," she said. "Anybody who leaves me in midtown Manhattan in an expensive cab can call me by my first name. I insist."

"And I insist on paying for that cab."

Points for Buck for apologizing and offering to pay for the cab. In contrast with Rayford, he almost seems like a stand-up guy. Points for Hattie, too, for this:

"You're a nice guy, but it's obvious we're not kindred spirits. Thanks for seeing me and especially for introducing me to Mr. Carpathia."

Over the 363 pages we've read so far, I've come to think of Hattie as two different entities. There's Hattie the author's puppet, misused and mistreated by them and by their arrogant Mary Sue surrogates. But there's also Hattie the person -- the character struggling against the puppet strings, trying to assert a bit of dignity and humanity.

This second Hattie is an accident, an unintended presence in the story. I find this presence reassuring. Jenkins is a careless hack and he seems to have put more effort into preventing the character of Hattie from coming to life than into making her seem human. And yet there she is. When a piece of fiction or drama works, the characters seem to take on a life of their own. Action begets character which in turn begets action, and dialogue seems to write itself. Yet even here, in this impossible story in which characters are forced to behave arbitrarily in the service of an incoherent, external plot imposed on them from above, even here there are signs of life. If the authors neglect, or obstruct, the act of creation, the readers will supply it, almost involuntarily. Story puts flesh on bones, even in a bad story.

Buck asks Hattie, again, if she'll introduce him to Rayford when he arrives. She plays along with the idea that they hadn't already agreed to this and turns back to ask Rayford if he'd agree to meet the reporter.

 

 

------------------------------

So Hattie's cupping her hand over the receiver to put Buck on hold is actually a scene change. We're back in Rayford's point of view which means, of course, that we'll be treated to more of his inappropriate musings:

Rayford was wondering if Hattie had a date with Buck Williams that evening. The right thing to do would be to invite her to dinner at his and Chloe's hotel. Now she was waving him over to the pay phone.

"The right thing to do."

Now you know. If you're ever trying to simultaneously brush-off and proselytize your pseudo-mistress and you find she's moving on with her life and dating other men, then the right thing to do would be to invite her to dinner. At your hotel. With your daughter.

"Rayford, Buck Williams wants to meet you. He's doing a story and wants to interview you. ... I suppose about flying or the disappearances. ..."

"Tell him sure, I'll see him. In fact, why don't you ask him to join the three of us for dinner tonight, if you're free." Hattie stared at Rayford as if she had been tricked into something. "Come on, Hattie. You and I will talk this afternoon, then we'll all get together for dinner at six at the Carlisle."

She turned back to the phone and told Buck. "Where are you now?" she asked. She paused. "You're not!" Hattie peeked around the corner, laughed and waved. Covering the mouthpiece, she turned to Rayford. "That's him right there on the portable phone!"

"Well, why don't you both hang up and you can make the introductions," Rayford said.

I'll give credit where it's due -- Jenkins handles the POV almost elegantly there, switching to the one-sided phone conversation as Rayford would hear it. The larger structural difficulty -- choosing whose perspective to portray for a conversation between the two protagonists -- is also handily postponed. Almost as soon as they meet, Buck and Rayford part ways. The lovestruck Buck Williams wanders off with Chloe to do their best impression of Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy in Before Sunrise (with the terminal at JFK substituting for Vienna), and Rayford takes Hattie aside to present the strange psychospiritual speech he's been rehearsing in his head for days.

Those scenes are every bit as wincingly uncomfortable as they sound, so be warned: Next week's installment of LB Friday may be unpleasant.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

* Since I've mentioned the movie, and since we've got just five chapters left in the first volume of the series, this seems like a good point to mention my plans for the future of LB Fridays. After Book 1, I thought we'd deal with the movie for at least a few weeks as a kind of palate-cleanser -- a slice of Velveeta before we begin sampling from the swill of Book 2, Tribulation Force. There may also be a slight hiatus in there somewhere while we take Left Behind! The Musical! on tour. (No, not really. Probably not really.)

Comments

[Noah Brand]

The "Viv Ivins" name is cute, but only works if you assume that the number is in fact 6, 6, 6. The translations I've seen always give it explicitly as six hundred and sixty-six, which would be DCLXVI, actually a rather graceful number in Roman numerals, but not really a name.

[Edo]

The translations I've seen always give it explicitly as six hundred and sixty-six, which would be DCLXVI, actually a rather graceful number in Roman numerals, but not really a name.

You could always parse it as Doc Alex Vai, or something like that. (Maybe he's Steve's redneck cousin or something.)

Not quite Viv Ivins, but close and a hair less anvilicious.

[mmack]

Well, I think Nicky Sierra Nevada would sound perfect singing this little ditty:

(To the tune of Tomorrow Belongs to Me from Cabaret)

The children have vanished, the Christians have too
Airliners have crashed to the sea
But once I list off all nations on Earth
The UN belongs to me

Buck Williams has tracked me to New York tonight
From a London car bomb he did flee
I promised to solve his "problem" for him
The UN belongs to me

Eli and Moe stood atop Temple Mount
Preaching to all that could see
That Jesus is God
But I'm in charge now
'Cause the UN belongs to me
The UN belongs to me
The UN belongs to me
Yes the UN belongs to me

Man, Left Behind The Musical! almost writes itself.

[Spalanzani]

*dies laughing*

mmack, you are awesome! We've got to put this all up on Right Behind.

[A Texan in Bavaria]

I wanna be a producer...

[Darkrose]

Left Behind The Musical! is absolutely hilarious, and the filks are wonderful. Definitely need to compile them.

[Johnny Pez]

Man, this stuff is addictive! Now I have to give Nicky Alps his own solo number. Come on, folks, you know the tune. Sing along!

When the world is in its final days
And all the skies are turning dark
Then I will guide the planet
And you'll all wear my mark
This is the dawning of the Age of Carpathia
Age of Carpathia
Carpathia!
Carpathia!

Pestilence and tribulation
Raining down on every nation
Burning cities will be smokin'
As the seven seals are broken
And the human race is headin'
For that final Armageddon
Carpathia!
Carpathia!

When the world is in its final days
And all the seas are turning red
Then I will guide the planet
Till everyone is dead
This is the dawning of the Age of Carpathia
Age of Carpathia
Carpathia!
Carpathia!
Carpathia!
Carpathia!

[Wesley Parish]

feeling lyrical and about to burst into ASCII ... duck for cover (I've actually been adoring the magi ... oops, the Su-27 and MiG-29 and developments ... and these songs came out)

Rayford:

Yeah
Finished with my hostess cause she couldn't help me with my faith
People say I'm a twit cause I'm preaching all the time
Flight did no good for her cause my mind is all full of it
Think I'll lose my mind if I don't find some way to make her fit
Can you help me occupy her brain?
Oh yeah ...

Hattie:
Sometimes I really think
I'm going crazy in the night
When I hide down in the covers
And I won't turn on the light
I think nothing's gonna get me
But then again it might
What can I do to keep from going
Crazy in the night

I need a drink of water
But I swallow hard instead
Cause it's hard to move a muscle
When you're frozen in your bed
If I could make it to the phone
Before I die of fright
What can I do to keep from going
Crazy in the night

And if I disappeared
Do you think they'd ever look
Would I be headlines in the paper
Or the cover of the book
Got to pull myself together
I don't want to die of fright
What can I do to keep from going
Crazy in the night

Chloe:

Somethings wrong, shut the light
Heavy thoughts tonight
And they aren't of Snow White

Dreams of war, dreams of liars
Dreams of dragons fire
And of things that will bite

Sleep with one eye open
Gripping your pillow tight

Exit light
Enter night
Take my hand
Off to never never land

Buck (the GIRAT - it's official):

I was looking for love in all the wrong places
Looking for love in too many faces
Searching your eyes, looking for traces
Of what.. I'm dreaming of...
Hopin' to find a friend and a lover
God bless the day I discover
Another heart, lookin' for love

Nicholas the Mountain-Range:

I was working in the lab late one night
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight
For my monster from his slab began to rise
And suddenly to my surprise

He did the mash
He did the monster mash
The monster mash
It was a graveyard smash
He did the mash
It caught on in a flash
He did the mash
He did the monster mash

and:

Billion dollar baby
Rotten little monster, baby, I adore you.
Man or woman living couldn't love me like you, baby.

We go dancing nightly in the attic
While the moon is rising in the sky.
If I'm too rough, tell me,
I'm so scared your little head will come off in my hands.

Yeah, billion dollar baby
I got you in the dimestore,
No other little girl could ever hold you
Any tighter, any tighter than me, baby.
Billion dollar baby
Reckless like a gambler, million dollar maybe
Foamin' like dog that's been infected by the rabies.

Good enough?

[Praline]

Jamoche, you have made my morning with that Animaniacs thing. I can't stop giggling.

I was imagining the scene more like something out of 'The Prince of Egypt' - that song 'Playing With The Big Boys Now', where the Egyptian priests chant the names of their gods as a sinister background chorus. Here it is - http://youtube.com/watch?v=voJ2HlLH4qw (I dunno how to make a link in comments, but if someone else feels like linking/explaining, that'd be nice).

Of course, that scene would actually be dramatic, but it might convey just how incredibly scary and sinister every country that isn't America really is.

[Praline]

Oh, I meant the UN-trivia-bonanza speech that Nicolae Carpathia makes. Sorry, forgot to say that,

[Spalanzani]

OK, I figured I'd give this a shot. This is to the tune of "It Ain't necessarily so", from Porgy and Bess .

It is necessarily so
It is necessarily so
The things you are liable
To read in the Bible
They are necessarily so

Ethiopia is small, but oh my!
Ethiopia is small, but oh my!
It acted like a cog
And teamed up with Magog
Ethiopia is small, but oh my!

Wadoo!
Wadoo!
Zim bam boddle-oo!
Zim bam boddle-oo!
Hoodle ah da waah da!
Hoodle ah da waah da!
Scatty way!
Scatty way!

Oh Hattie, she is the Whore
Oh Hattie, she is the Whore
She’s really quite nice
But being female’s a vice
So Hattie, she is the Whore

Little Nicky talks like a machine
Little Nicky talks like a machine
But he’s full of mojo
‘Cause the Bible says so
Little Nicky talks like a machine

Wadoo!
Wadoo!
Zim bam boddle-oo!
Zim bam boddle-oo!
Hoodle ah da waah da!
Hoodle ah da waah da!
Scatty way!
Scatty way!

It is necessarily so
It is necessarily so
They tell all you children
The UN’s a villain
So it’s necessarily so

To get into Heaven
Don’t stop to help them
We’re clean, the elect, the salt
They didn’t take the Gospel when it was impossible
So it’s all their fault

Jesus shall reign one thousand years
Jesus shall reign one thousand years
So what good is giving
To those who are living
When Jesus will reign one thousand years?

I’m preaching this sermon to show
It is necessarily, is necessarily
Is necessarily so!

[Dave]

My brother and his friends put on a production of Left Behind: The Musical in college. The high point, I thought, was the big showstopper "Antichrist," sung to the tune of "Eidelweiss" from The Sound Of Music.

[Selcaby]

I think the number of the Beast is 1-800-244-6227.

[stinger]

Dave: I am LOL at the very thought! Lyrics, please?

[cjmr's husband]

Paperback Writer! (Writer! Writer!)

Dear Sir or Madam, will you read my book?
It took me days to write, will you take a look?
Based on a vision by a man named John
And I need a job, so I want to be a paperback writer,
Paperback writer.

It's the dirty story of a dirty man
And his Christian wife doesn't understand.
His friend is working for Global Weekly
It's a steady job but he wants to be a paperback writer,
Paperback writer.

Paperback writer

It's a thousand pages, give or take a few,
I'll write another in a week or two.
I can make it longer if you like the style,
But don't change it round cuz I am the greatest paperback writer,
Paperback writer!

[cjmr]

Or maybe "I can write a few more if you like the style"?

But husband's much better at writing parodies than I am. (More practice)

[Catherine]

Long time Lurker here but I couldn't stay silent after reading all these posts regarding a Left Behind musical.
How about a song that captures the PMD obsession with Judaism? "You Won't Succeed On Rapture (If You Don't Have Any Jews)"
And reading the passages from the novel, I always thought if the cast of Monty Python made a movie about the Rapture, they would have followed every plot point to a T, and Eric Idle could be the Antichrist, with Michael Palin as Buck Williams and John Cleese as Rayford Steele. And think of the special effects as done by Terry Gilliam!

[mmack]

I think I have the opening number from Left Behind The Musical!

(To the tune of The Inquisition from History of the World Part I)

It's the Rapture (Here we go)
It's the Rapture (Look out below)
And it's time for Real Christians to fly!

We're gonna leave behind the sin
And rise up to New Jerusalem
And watch all those evil heathens die!

Repent, don't be lazy
Accept the Word of the Lord
A fact you're ignoring
You'll read Left Behind and not be bored!

It's the Rapture (Gotta Fly)
It's the Rapture (Up to the sky)
We know your thinkin' every one is saved
But it's The Rapture and only RTC's are saved!

"If you are a Hindu,
Praying to Lord Vishnu,
Sitting in a Temple in Bombay
You'd better learn the story
Of Jesus Christ's True Glory
So you too can be safely whisked away"

"You Catholics with your Pope,
Have absolutely no hope,
Of being saved upon Judgement Day
So come along and join us,
And come sing in our chorus,
And soon you'll sing "Up Up and Away"

It's the Rapture (Here we go)
It's the Rapture (Look out below)
We know your thinkin' every one is saved
But it's The Rapture and only RTC's are saved!

"Hey Jerry Jenkins, whatta ya say?"
"I just got back from a book tour today!"
"What did you say, who did you tell?"
"Buy Left Behind or you're going to Hell!"

It's the Rapture, (What a Day)
It's the Rapture, (Flyin' Away)
We know you're wishin' that you could come too!
So all you Muslims and you Jews
We got big news for all of yous:
You'd better change your point of views TODAY!
'Cause The Rapture's here and it's only for a day!

(It's the Rapture, Yeah, Yeah)

[mmack]

cjmr & husband,

Change it to Magazine Writer, and you've got it!

[Joolya]

BAILEY, PLANK, BUCK, and MARGE:
Humanity was having trouble
What a sad, sad story
Needed a new leader to restore
It's former glory
Where oh where was he?
Where could that man be?
We looked around and then we found
The prez of Romaneeeee!
BUCK:
And now it's ...
Springtime for Nicky in Babylon!
The UN is happy and gay!
We're marching to a faster pace
Forfeiting the nukular race.
Springtime for Nicky in Babylon!
All those dead children: old news!
Springtime for Nicky in Babylon
Watch out New York
For all those tricksy Jews!
Springtime for Nicky in Babylon...
BAILEY, PLANK, and MARGE:
Look, it's springtime
PLANK:
Curtains for journalism!
ALL:
Springtime for Nicky and Babylon!
Springtime, springtime, springtime ...
BUCK:
Come on, reporters, do your dance!
PLANK:
One new world religion, right. And the guy's on Leno tonight!
BUCK:
People seem to disappear whenever Nick Carpathia's near...
BAILEY:
Coincidence, it seems to me. The fellow's revolutionary!
PLANK:
Went to Hahvahd, what a smahty! Not to mention, he's a hottie!
BAILEY:
Tell me more! But not to worry, we won't ever print this story!
MARGE:
The taxi is waiting! The taxi is waiting!
BUCK:
Damn broads.
BAILEY and PLANK:
Damn broads!
BUCK:
Springtime for Nicky and Babylon!
[NICKY appears on giant TV screen]
NICKY:
Azerbaijan!
BUCK:
Hail to he
The man who's making history
Hail to Nicky, raise your head for
The man looks like young Robert Redford!
NICKY:
Belguim! Belize!
BUCK:
If you're looking for a story, don't ask me.
Hail to Nicky
He's the man
Certainly he has no diabolical plan.
BAILEY, PLANK, and MARGE:
No diabolical plan!
NICKY:
Khazakhstan!
BAILEY, PLANK, MARGE, and BUCK:
No diabolical plan!
[HATTIE, dressed as WHORE OF BABYLON, leads CHORUS of OFFICE GIRLS onstage]
GIRLS:
Carpathia's causing a furor!
He's got the UN under his thumb
Love that suave Romanian!
Carpathia's causing a furor!
You can't say no to his demands
He's bound to conquer all the lands
HATTIE:
And even get into my pants!
GIRLS:
Carpathia's causing a furor!
[NICKY steps out of the TV, bathed in red light]
NICKY:
I was just a paper pusher, no one less ambitious
Made a deal with Satan and he granted all my wishes
I do not need to beg and plead
I have gotten what I need:
Reporters trust me
So I must be
Off to spread my seed!
It is not any mystery
If it is politics or history
All you have got to know is
The Anti-Christ is showbiz!
The new world order is here
Make a great big sound
Everyone bow down, to me
Wonderful me!
And now it's
ALL:
Springtime for Nicky in Babylon!

[Joolya]

When you see a guy make a stewardess cry,
You can bet that he's doing it for some God.
When you spot Ray Steele getting onto a plane
Chances are he'll abstain, but later he'll feel the need to explain.
When you meet a man with a Book in his hand
And he talk like he's working for the vice squad,
Call it sad, call it funny, but it's better than even money,
That the guy's only doing it for some God
Some God! Some God!
The guy's only doing it for some Gooooooooood!

[Jeff Weskamp]

Hark! the Nameless Cultists Sing
To the tune of "Hark the Herald Angels Sing''
By James Westbrooks

Hark! the nameless cultists sing, "Glory to our dreaming King!"
Deep beneath the ocean waves, dreaming in his wat'ry grave.
Soon the stars will all be right, usher in eternal night!
When Cthulhu comes to reign, things here 'bouts won't be the same!''
Hark! the namesless cultists sing, "Glory to our dreaming King!''

Cthulhu whose name strikes fear, speaks to those whose souls can hear:
Late at night an artist dreams, wakes up with an awful scream.
Then in clay his visions mold, pretty outre so I'm told.
Visions of a scene from Hell, near impossible to sell.
Hark! the nameless cultists sing, "Glory to our dreaming King!''

Hark! the Great One's Priestly Son, Hail or you will be undone.
Death and pain to most he brings, Ris'n with darkness in His wings.
Waked at last no more to lie, proof that death itself may die,
Born to crush the human race, wipe them out and leave no trace.
Hark! the nameless cultists sing, "Glory to our dreaming King!''
__________________
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn
In his house at R'lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming.

[Dave]

I'll see if I can find 'em, stinger.

[Jeff Weskamp]

"...a Sorcerer, using the mana-pool magic system instead of the stupid spell memorization system." -- Bugmaster

I've seen the mana-pool system for sorcerers; it's found in the 3rd Ed. Unearthed Arcana.

One book from Sword & Sorcery Studios, "Advanced Player's Guide," features a skill-based spellcasting system. If I ever DM again, that will be used for Wizards and Clerics, with the mana-pool system for Sorcerers.

[JessicaR]

These are glorious. Perhaps as another palate cleanser we can look at some the riper examples of Christian Pop, by which I mean Carman. Most of his stuffy is endearingly cheeseball the only one that reaches LB heights which posits that outlawing prayer is public school leads to an abortion clinic in every home ec lab or something. Now back to the musical.

The UN is alive
With the sound of countries
Reciting a list
Which feels like a thousand years
I go to the UN
When I don't want to blow my cover
But I'm not very bright
And I'm found out once more
I want to know the truth
behind each major lie
and know what is up with the Jews
And I get what I want
because I make a solem promise
That this wont ever make the news.

[Praline]

Joolya, if you keep these coming until you get exhausted, I'm a happy woman. I can't stop laughing. :-)

[Praline]

Not that I want you exhausted, of course...

[Joolya]

Johnny Pez is rocking my world.

[Joolya]

And JessicaR and mmack!

[Joolya]

It won't be easy,
You'll think it strange
When I try to explain how I feel.
That I don't want your love after leading you on.
You won't believe me
When I tell you what happened
To dear old Irene,
And that other young offspring of mine
Who were magically whisked from the scene.

I have to make it happen,
I have to change!
Now that Jesus is coming back here,
And He's gonna kick ass, least according to John
So I choose Rapture!
Got myself saved, now I have to save you,
And build up an army for God.
Apocalypse is coming true!

Don't cry for me, Hattie Durham
The truth is, I never touched you
All through my pilot days
My mad existence
I kept my promise
I kept my distance.

You boosted my ego,
My secret shame:
I could have invited you in
When you thought in the world
You were all I desired.
You're just a cipher!
If I can't save my daughter,
I'll settle for you
I know I can feed you a line.

Don't cry for me, Hattie Durham
The truth is, you're just not worthy
Of my attentions
But this is God's plan.
Now shut your pie-hole
And start a-prayin'.

Have I said too much?
There's nothing more I can think of to say to you.
But all you have to do is read this book
To know that every word is true ...

[mmack]

Well, as this is Left Behind the Musical, we'll need space somewhere for this little number:

(To the tune of Telephone Line by ELO)

(Buck)
Hello, How are you?
Hattie it's me Buck, I've been calling you but had no luck
Tell me, are you still angry
About being stuck with cabfare in NYC?

(Nicholae)
Buck, it's me Nicky
I need to talk to you tonight
To make everything alright
I heard about your problem
And I can make it go
for a little Quid Pro Quo

(Ensemble)
Late Nights, Long Calls
Airports, Cell Calls
Late Nights, Looooonnngg Caaaallls

(Rev Barnes)
I look into the sky, for Jesus' love to see me through
And I wonder, why I didn't get Raptured too?

(Ensemble)
So many telephone calls
Phones ring off the walls
For most of this story

So many telephone calls
Don't do much at all
To explain this story

(Rayford)
Hattie, It's Rayford
I need to pray for you tonight, to make sure your soul's alright
I know I led you on, but I never lifted a finger
Please don't let your anger linger oh oh ooohhhhh yeah yeah yeah

(Ensemble)
Late Nights, Long Calls
Airports, Cell Calls
Late Nights, Looooonnngg Caaaallls

(Rev Barnes)
I look into the sky, for Jesus' love to see me through
And I wonder, why I didn't get Raptured too?

(Ensemble)
So many telephone calls
Phones ring off the walls
For most of this story

So many telephone calls
Don't do much at all
To explain this story

So many telephone calls
You'll ask what the hell?
Do they work for Bell?

So many telephone calls
don't do much at all
To fill holes in this story

It may need some work on the phrasing.

[Joolya]

[insert: "You're almost expecting me to." after "I know I can feed you a line" above.]

[Praline]

To the tune of 'Blame Canada':

Times have changed
Of kids there is a dearth
They aren't in homes and classrooms
They've just vanished off the earth!
Should we blame the gadgets?
Or blame technology?
Or is it all a big conspiracy?
No!
Our Saviour!
Our Saviour!
He made the children disappear
He thought the message should be clear
Our Saviour!
Our Saviour!
We need to arm ourselves and sing
It's an RTC thing!

Don't ask me
If this is right
The Lord is prob'ly listening and he might decide to smite
My family all
Think I might be going daft
But hey, when they're burning I get to point and laugh.

Yay!
Our Saviour!
Our Saviour!
It seems he thought we'd want to pray
If he just snatched our kids away
Our Saviour!
Our Saviour!
Because it's not as if we'll miss them anyway...

My son could have gone to Harvard, where they'd liberalise his mind,
Instead he went and vanished, leaving just his clothes behind,
Should we blame the cosmos?
Or blame an alien horde?
Or should we blame a petty and spiteful Lord?

Heck no!
Our Saviour!
Our Saviour!
He likes to make the planes go crash
He likes the preachers to roll in cash,

Our Saviour! Our Saviour!
He doesn't like girls, he doesn't like Jews,
He doesn't like peace, he doesn't like news,
And when his trumpet starts to blow
We Christians get to say we told you so!

[Joolya]

Okay, some one really has got to compile these on Right Behind!

[hapax]

Joolya, mmack:

I will send you the hospital bill, after the medics rescuscitate me from laughter-induced asphyxiation.

[Jeff]

I think LB: The Musical is already over 7 hours long! But worth it!

I've seen always give it explicitly as six hundred and sixty-six, which would be DCLXVI, actually a rather graceful number in Roman numerals, but not really a name.

Dick Lexvie?

[mmack]

I think LB: The Musical is already over 7 hours long! But worth it!

Yes, but we've all missed the point: any good musical needs a love song that radio stations can play to death until you HATE the song.

I have composed said song.

(To the tune of Joey by Concrete Blonde, sung by Buck)

Chloe, Baby
I'm not too crazy
Raptures, Satan,
It's Jesus you're hatin'
I just got dumped by sexy Hattie
She seems nice but she's too catty
And now I need a lover who's not a total whore
And if you're worried I'm not true
I'm a virgin just like you
So when we do it will be our first time
Oh Chloe if you're lonely so am I

Chloe, Honey,
I've got BIG money
Just got a big raise
It's coming my way
And if your dad makes you confused
I feel the same way too
And when you said I was sleazy
Well I guess I'd agree with you
I've never been lucky before
And I'd love you for evermore
As long as you don't get drunk and pass out on the floor
Oh Chloe I'm not lonely anymore

(bridge)

And if your dad makes you confused
I feel the same way too
And when you said I was sleazy
Well I guess I'd agree with you
I've never been lucky before
And I'd love you for evermore
As long as you don't get drunk and pass out on the floor
Oh Chloe I'm not lonely anymore

Lonely anymore
Lonely anymore . . .

Honestly, this thing writes itself.

[Praline]

To the tune of 'Ten Cents a Dance'

Ten bucks a book
That's what they're paying
Gosh, how they're praying now.
Ten bucks a book,
All hard-earned money,
Funny, a fine cash cow.

People who're frightened of dying
People who want to know bliss
Handed these paperbacks, lying -
It doesn't get sadder than this.

Sometimes I think we might see heaven
But it's a passing look
All that they're selling's the fiction -
Come on, sinners, ten bucks a book.

Mourners and grievers and hopeful believers
And souls who are worn past endurance,
Anger or sorrow, no hope for tomorrow -
Don't worry, this book is insurance.
Though we've a parish of souls all in need
These books are selling, it's preaching, not greed.
You think you're doubtful still?
Hey, don't you worry, just hand us a bill.

Sometimes I think we might see heaven
But it's a passing look
All that they're selling's the fiction -
Come on, sinners, ten bucks a book.

[A Texan in Bavaria]

Joolya: I have been waiting for someone to write "Springtime for Nicky". Thank you ever so much!

the rest of you: brilliant, all around - I envy you your creative writing talent.

[Technomad]

Gotta do The Stonecutters' Song!

The Peacekeepers sing:

Who shoots Christians dead on sight?
Who think Nicky C's all right?
We do! We do!

Who rejoices in the dark?
Who makes sure you've got the Mark?
We do! We do!

Who lives by Car-pa-th-ia's word?
Who now can say they rule the world?
We do! We do!

Who'll fight the Savior to a draw?
Who'll enforce the Dark Lord's Law?
We do! We DOOOO!

[Spherical Time]

All of these need to go to Right Behind. I'm thinking of a collection in the vein of that hideous nickname. Anyway, keep up the funny songs.

[rampancy]

@damnedyankee: "Luxury. I've sat through all of The Star Wars Christmas Special, the live-action Justice League pilot with David Ogden Stiers, and the non-MST3K cut of Manos: The Hands of Fate. Bring on Kirk Cameron! I fear him not!"
I sat through an episode or two of Crusade. That's got to count for something, right?

@Boze: "Can you think of a better emblem that would represent the Mark?"
I think the logo for Microsoft Windows should work well...

@Ecks: "The Triquetra looks like Ontario's logo (or at least, the old version)... see half way down here."
That seems to only confirm what Maritimers in Eastern Canada have known for years.

[Johnny Pez]

(with apologies to the B-52s)

I was good, I could talk
A mile a minute,
On this Rapture buzz I was on
Planes were really fallin'
They could crash every day for hours
We belong to the Pan-Con Club

Anyway we can,
We're gonna print something
We'll talk on the phone now
In dull-sounding cliches

We're the Pan-Con Club
We're the Pan-Con Club

Going to the U.N. for
A thirty-minute speech
And the Mountain talking real loud,
Soothing our fears
We're mild girls walkin' down the street
Mild girls and boys going out for an End Time

Let's go catch that lecture down
At Reverend Burns' tonight
Then we'll go Bible-thumpin'
In the moonlight
We're mild girls walkin' down the street
Mild girls and boys going out for an End Time

Anyway we can
We're gonna print something
We'll talk on the phone now
In dull-sounding cliches

We're the Pan-Con Club
We're the Pan-Con Club

Oh no, here they come
The members of the Pan-Con Club

[Vermic]

CARPATHIA:
Buckie ... now that we're friends, I've decided to make you my new satanically-controlled thrall.

BUCK:
You really don't have to do that.

CARPATHIA:
I know! That's what makes me so evil.

(sings)

Whenever I meet someone more innocent than I --
And let's face it, who isn't more innocent than I? --
My spiteful mind turns to quite wicked deeds
For with my evil makeover
This world I soon will take over
And loyal slaves are just the thing I'll need
And with you on my staff
Together we will write God's epitaph
(Though you're hardly H.R. Murrow, I'll concede)
Follow my lead!
For yes, indeed,

I ... will ... be ...

Antichrist
I'm gonna be Antie-ee-christ
I'll throw saints in the brig, and ride on a pig
Maybe build a golden calf
I'll damn the whole Earth to hell, and play with stem cells
Then abort 'em, just for laughs

When I'm Antichrist
You bet when I'm Antie-ee-christ
You'll all wear the Mark, or be fed to sharks
It'll be one "Hell" of a show!
So let's start ... 'cause we've got eleven more books to go

The nations of the world will be my entree
From Afghanistan to Zimbabwe
I'll find a woman to become my fiancee
Maybe that Hattie?
Anyway, no fatties
Not for this studly

Antichrist
Dad said I'd be Antichrist
And with an assist from you, it can all come true
No one will be as cool as we ... well, I.
It's gonna be a picnic
As sure as my name's Nicolee ... lae.

Laaaa la, laaaa la
I'm gonna be the An-ti-christ

Well, Buck? What do you say?

BUCK:
...and I invite the Lord to come into my heart. In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

(to Carpathia)

Um, sorry Mr. Carpathia, but I'm a Christian now. Gotta run! Thanks anyway! (exits)

CARPATHIA:
Hmph. You're welcome.

But though you've been saved
I've got lots more slaves
Now that I'm on TV

So there'll soon be no more waitin'
For my new Satanocracy
Ha!

Laaaa la, laaaa la
I'll be Antichrist
The best Antichrist I ... can ... beeeee!

[Spalanzani]

This is pretty lazy, but how about using They Might Be Giants' "Alphabet of Nations" for Nicky's UN speech? You wouldn't even need to change the words!

The alphabet of nations!

Algeria, Bulgaria, Cambodia, Dominica, Egypt, France, the Gambia

Hungary, Iran, Japan, Kazakhstan, Libya and Mongolia

Norway, Oman, Pakistan

Qatar, Russia, Suriname

Turkey, Uruguay, Vietnam

West Xylophone, Yemen, Zimbabwe

(repeat)

[Ember Keelty]

West Xylophone?

[Geds]

I sat through an episode or two of Crusade. That's got to count for something, right?

Hey, now. Crusade might not have been as good as Babylon 5, but it wasn't anywhere close to the level of badness found in all the other shows brought up.

Crusade is friggin' M*A*S*H compared to Cleopatra 2525...

[hapax]

Crusade is friggin' M*A*S*H compared to Cleopatra 2525...

But... but... GINA TORRES!!!

*sigh* I tried to re-write "I'll Never Tell" from the Buffy musical for Nicky and Hattie, but I was not born under a pastiching star. Maybe someone else can try.

*sigh* I tried to re-write "I'll Never Tell" from the Buffy musical for Nicky and Hattie, but I was not born under a pastiching star. Maybe someone else can try.

I was thinking the same thing for The Telephone Hour from Bye Bye Birdie, which is certainly appropriate for this book. But I don't even know where to start considering the brilliance above.

[Shannon]

*sigh* I tried to re-write "I'll Never Tell" from the Buffy musical for Nicky and Hattie, but I was not born under a pastiching star. Maybe someone else can try.

I was thinking the same thing for The Telephone Hour from Bye Bye Birdie, which is certainly appropriate for this book. But I don't even know where to start considering the brilliance above.