Are you there, God? It's me, Huckabee

Via The Sinner's Guide: Mike Huckabee's phone call from God.

To paraphrase Lloyd Bentsen: Governor, you're no Bob Newhart.

The occasion here was a 2004 Republican Governor's Association dinner. Huckabee, a former Baptist minister, was called upon to give an invocation -- that is, to offer a prayer. Instead, he answers his ringing cell phone and pretends to be responding to a call from God.

The comedy here is bewildering.

"God" asks for President Bush's autograph on behalf, Huckabee says, of Samson. Get it? Samson's a Bible character, so he must be up in Heaven with God and, like everyone in Heaven, a big fan of George W. Bush. Or something. The joke wouldn't work no matter which biblical character he'd plugged in there -- obsequious hagiography is inherently unfunny -- but one still has to ask: Why Samson?

The joke seems intended as praise for Bush, but the Samson reference turns this on its head. If you untangle this joke from Huckabee's clumsy delivery, the basic structure of it is something like: "President Bush is so _____________ that Samson asked for his autograph!" Yet the story of Samson doesn't provide any flattering possibilities for filling in the blank there. (Bush is so ... fond of prostitutes? Bad at riddles? Enthusiastic about suicide-bombing?) The joke is so poorly conceived you almost have to think it's meant as some kind of meta-joke at Bush's expense.

Even worse than the "comedy" here is the trap Huckabee sets for himself of having to deliver a verbatim message from God. He might have avoided this if he had concluded by quoting some bit of scripture -- "What's that, Lord? You want us to act justly and to love mercy and walk humbly with you?" That, at least, wouldn't have involved putting words into God's mouth, which is what Huckabee wound up doing with his conclusion, in which he says that God, via cell phone, tells the Republican Governors to:

"Take care of the Family, and Marriage, and the people of America, and all the people, and the children."

Thus making God sound like an inarticulate contestant in some kind of Republican beauty pageant, spouting random buzzwords in the hopes that one of them might be the right answer.

The creepiest thing about this whole ill-conceived comedy-routine-in-lieu-of-prayer is that it never occurred to Huckabee or to anyone in his audience that if you've got God on the line, maybe you should ask some questions.

All of which is to say that this here's an open thread with the starting-point topic being: What would you ask?

Comments

[JPL]

Why are sexism, racism, and homophobia so prevalent?

[KnightHawk]

Where's the goddamn--sorry Dude--remote? My tv's been stuck on Fox news for days.

Love. Peace. Metallca.

[Rosina]

Is life really better on Delicious Cookie 6? Why them and not us!

And what sort of mansions have you got many of "in your house"? Doll's mansions?

[Drak Pope]

So, uh, how're you planning on handling the whole "Rapture" thing?

[Cactus Wren]

And when you read the Left Behind books, do you laugh or cry?

[ninjanun]

But why the hat; why not a kicky beret?

(props to whoever can get that random reference).

[Brandi]

Seriously, WTF's with Ann Coulter?

[Andy]

God, I think I have a crush on the new priest. Am I going to hell?

[Llelldorin]

What if You were one of us? Just a slob like one of us?

Why me, O Lord?

Have You considered changing Your long distance service?

So... just what is the deal with the Bible, anyway?

Could I put you on speakerphone?

[Majromax]

Can you hear me now?

[amber]

I think just having a voice on the other line would be enough... after these years of just hearing my own.

[swampman]

Obviously:

What would you do for a Klondike bar?

[cjmr's husband]

How much wood would a woodch *ZOT*

[Robert Hutchinson]

Yet the story of Samson doesn't provide any flattering possibilities for filling in the blank there. (Bush is so ... fond of prostitutes? Bad at riddles? Enthusiastic about suicide-bombing?)

As someone with only the vaguest Sunday School memories of the Samson story, I'm guessing the blank was meant to be filled with "strong". (Not that I'm suggesting Mike Huckabee was working only from vague Sunday School memories. Oh, no, not that.)

As for the question, I'm gonna go all serious and ask him about the Problem of Evil.

[Ian]

"Why do you make me look at injustice?"

The ignorant and corrupt rule, and to prove their manliness they bring destruction to the innocent. A private who loses a rifle suffers far greater consequences than a general who loses a war." Tycoons get bailouts while the dignity of hard work is preached to single mothers with empty cupboards. The mentally ill are cast out into the streets, there to sleep alongside the drug addicted and the desperate, and this within 200 meters of my home.

How long, O Lord?

For my part, I am a mass of neglect. I do nothing to change these things and can scarcely imagine doing more. I fail not only in doing my duties, but to my own amazement I fail even to pursue what would make me happy.

How long, O Lord?

[Spalanzani]

Forty-two what?

(someone had to do it)

Can you hear me now?

[Ian]

Alternatively,

Did you ever create a universe that was entirely full of rock just to demonstrate that you can create a rock that it would be impossible for you to lift? If so, how big was that universe/rock?

Also, someone needs to shave W's head. Maybe his hair gives him his superhuman self-assurance.

[Tehanu]

Why didn't You tell whoever wrote Scripture to tell everyone to boil water before drinking it? Didn't You care if half of all babies died of infectious diseases?

[jamoche]

The Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it?

[Dahne]

Wow. The Chuck Norris ad was cute, in a crazy I-don't-know-what-the-hell-I'm-doing way. At worst, just confusing. I didn't know the Republicans got much of the level 16 Orc Hunter questing in The Barrens vote.

But this...this...

It was almost merely uncomfortable, until the, "gosh, thanks for repeating our nauseatingly self-centered and amoral talking points for us!" Gotta love the justaposition there; "All of the people, except the dirty fags. Gotcha."

So I guess my question would be:

Okay, love thy neighbor, I'm good with that. Can I get special clearance to sukerpunch this cockbag?

[Blackadder]

What WOULD Jesus do?

[Bugmaster]

Can You put me through to Mr. Rogers ?

[Tim Lehnerer]

"Dude, what the FUCK? I mean, seriously. What. The. Fuck?"

[mr_subjunctive]

What was the point of dinosaurs?

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Was that really the best you could do?

So do you just, like, hate me, or what?

Would it have been so hard to include something in the Bible about how you really think gay people are okay?

You couldn't have explained the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil thing first, let us make an informed decision of some kind? I mean, you gotta admit, that really wasn't fair.

I'd like to speak to your supervisor.

What the hell?

[Pseudowolf]

Why, God, why?

[Tonio]

Assuming I believed in God, I wouldn't ask Him/Her/It about suffering. What is important is how we deal with suffering, not what causes suffering. Instead, I would ask some fun questions.

I would ask Robin Williams' question - did You create the platypus when you got drunk one night? I mean, c'mon, a beaver with a duck's bill? A mammal that lays eggs? Did You cobble it together from leftover parts?

I would ask Gene Weingarten's question - why did You design the human rear end so as to create the need to wipe? No other animal seems to need toilet paper.

When I was a kid, I thought Jesus was angry at people born on Christmas Day. And when I was a teenager, I thought one would end up in hell for having sex on Christmas or even thinking about sex on Christmas. Are these true or false?

What do You say after You sneeze or when You are having sex? I would make a "coming of the Lord" joke here, but I suspect I will suffer the same fate as Cjmr's Husband.

[burgundy]

Is this some kind of prank call?

[burgundy]

No other animal seems to need toilet paper

Sez you. I have cats. The fact that they do not use toilet paper has nothing to do with whether or not they need toilet paper.

[Mouse]

So many questions, thank goodness there's an eternity to ask them.

So how did we get to where we are?

Is there a Hell?

Can you let people out of Hell?

Why didn't you stop at the monkey?

Why did you put the tree in the garden in the first place?

Do you really damn everyone who doesn't believe in you or Christ?

I'm sure I'll think of much more later. Besides I only get to ask one so I probably should pick one and play.

[Spalanzani]

Tonio: "What do You say after You sneeze or when You are having sex? I would make a "coming of the Lord" joke here, but I suspect I will suffer the same fate as Cjmr's Husband."

More importantly, who is God having sex with?

[Ecks]

Bush: Great president, or the greatest president?

[not someone else]

"Wait, why are you calling me? As I'm sure You're aware enough to realize, I'm not even Christian."

"...You're not still pissed about the Middle Ages, are you?"

"So, about this dogma thing: what is the Bible's relation to You, really? I know it says, but that's not quite the same thing. Got any notes for textual criticism? Any neat places there're still likely to be old tales or other things we don't already have buried? Help a geek out here."

Alternately,

"I'll get back to the libations after finals. Really. I'm so not ignoring you."

[janet]

Where have you been all my life?

[Jon]

Can I check out your private porn stash? I mean, seriously, it has to be the best in the universe.
Could you explain the process by which you came up with the idea for the duck-billed platypus?
Honestly, you thought that diseases, wars, famine, natural disasters, rampant evil and injustice, and Celine Dion were appropriate punitive responses to some nudists who had no sense of right and wrong eating a piece of fruit?
Would it kill you to let me have a date every now and again? Maybe even get a little action?
And finally, my real question:
Can I have my dad back? Will you at least tell him how much I miss him?

[Bugmaster]

Did you like that veggie burger I left for you ? Er... Crap.

[Fermata]

What would you ask?

Boxers or Briefs?

[Ecks]

Why did you make me so awesome? Really, wouldn't just medium awesome have been awesome enough?

[mcc]

"Hey... real quick. Are particles made of strings?"

(Thing is, though, if you've got God on the phone, doesn't that by itself answer quite a series of important questions?)

[Jenny Islander]

"So can you tell me how to listen to You better, or how to start being able to start being able to listen? Because Your signal keeps getting lost in my noise."

[Ecks]

"If you're so omnipotent, why are you using a phone to call me?"

[Peter Boysen]

How's my driving?

[Cactus Wren]

I'd like to speak to your supervisor.

What the hell?

I remember a Usenet .sig file I once saw: "In the unlikely event of losing Pascal's Wager, I intend to saunter in to Judgment Day with a bookshelf full of grievances, a flaming sword of my own devising, and a serious attitude problem."

ObHuckabee: I interpreted the "Samson" bit as meaning to portray God as an embarrassed fan, the sort who asks a rock star for his autograph and adds quickly, "It's for my daughter!"

[JessicaR]

"But why the hat; why not a kicky beret?"

"Tool Operator, Tooooooool Operator" (nice to see another MSTie on board)

Why did you create Paris Hilton, and why am I more familar with her private parts than my own?

[Lauren]

If I were pretending to talk to God on the phone, as opposed to actually talking to God, I would play it thusly: "Hey, God, while I have you on the line, could I ask you a few questions? ... God? ... I think he hung up!"

Questions of a more serious nature:

With what inalienable rights have I been endowed by my Creator?

When exactly does a fetus become a human life?

Do animals have rights? Especially, do I have to give up bacon to be a good person? And then why does bacon have to taste so yummy?

How many true prophets have there been, and could you identify them?

Can I have a pet dinosaur? Pretty, pretty please? Just a medium-size one?

[Noah Brand]

The Samson joke makes sense if you assume you're piss-ignorant. Assume for a second that your entire awareness of the Biblical Samson is that he was very strong and very manly and killed a whole MESS of Evil Brown People.

Get it now? Yeah, my sides are splitting over here too.

[Nenya]

Isn't putting words in God's mouth the textbook definition of blasphemy?

Yeah, assuming here that "strong guy who beat up his enemies" is what he was going for with Samson.

I think I'd ask--"Are Jesus and John still together after all these years?" and "It really is going to all work out down here, right? Right??"

[ako]

Who are you?

What are you?

What do you really want?

Why is everything such a mess?

What can I do about it?

What are you going to do about it?

[Jesurgislac]

Given you have everybody's phone numbers, why are you calling me?

[MikeJ]

Who will rid me of this troublesome priest?