Are you there, God? It's me, Huckabee

Via The Sinner's Guide: Mike Huckabee's phone call from God.

To paraphrase Lloyd Bentsen: Governor, you're no Bob Newhart.

The occasion here was a 2004 Republican Governor's Association dinner. Huckabee, a former Baptist minister, was called upon to give an invocation -- that is, to offer a prayer. Instead, he answers his ringing cell phone and pretends to be responding to a call from God.

The comedy here is bewildering.

"God" asks for President Bush's autograph on behalf, Huckabee says, of Samson. Get it? Samson's a Bible character, so he must be up in Heaven with God and, like everyone in Heaven, a big fan of George W. Bush. Or something. The joke wouldn't work no matter which biblical character he'd plugged in there -- obsequious hagiography is inherently unfunny -- but one still has to ask: Why Samson?

The joke seems intended as praise for Bush, but the Samson reference turns this on its head. If you untangle this joke from Huckabee's clumsy delivery, the basic structure of it is something like: "President Bush is so _____________ that Samson asked for his autograph!" Yet the story of Samson doesn't provide any flattering possibilities for filling in the blank there. (Bush is so ... fond of prostitutes? Bad at riddles? Enthusiastic about suicide-bombing?) The joke is so poorly conceived you almost have to think it's meant as some kind of meta-joke at Bush's expense.

Even worse than the "comedy" here is the trap Huckabee sets for himself of having to deliver a verbatim message from God. He might have avoided this if he had concluded by quoting some bit of scripture -- "What's that, Lord? You want us to act justly and to love mercy and walk humbly with you?" That, at least, wouldn't have involved putting words into God's mouth, which is what Huckabee wound up doing with his conclusion, in which he says that God, via cell phone, tells the Republican Governors to:

"Take care of the Family, and Marriage, and the people of America, and all the people, and the children."

Thus making God sound like an inarticulate contestant in some kind of Republican beauty pageant, spouting random buzzwords in the hopes that one of them might be the right answer.

The creepiest thing about this whole ill-conceived comedy-routine-in-lieu-of-prayer is that it never occurred to Huckabee or to anyone in his audience that if you've got God on the line, maybe you should ask some questions.

All of which is to say that this here's an open thread with the starting-point topic being: What would you ask?

Comments

[Consumer Unit 5012]

It's good to hear from you, but could you give George W. Bush a call next? We need him to hear directly from you a LOT more than I do, I'm afraid.

How come you never write anymore?

Why did you give up on the whole Smiting thing?

[Rozzen]

Obvious question :
"Very funny, okay so who is this ?"

Question assuming God infused me with the knowledge that this was, indeed, God calling :
"Why are you calling me ?"

[josephdietrich]

Why do you desire worship? And if you do not desire it, then why do we spend time and and money and thought worshiping you?

[Ray]

Why didn't you get me that red bike I wanted for Christmas when I was 6?

[Jos]

"So. God. Fire Emblem or Alpha Centauri?"

Or possibly...

"So... about that Free Will thing. Did you come up with that when you were in a good mood or in a bad one?"

[Jeff]

[Ricky Ricardo]"Dude, you got some 'splainin' to do!"[/RR]

Do animals have rights? Especially, do I have to give up bacon to be a good person? And then why does bacon have to taste so yummy?

Or, as one comic put it: If we're not supposed to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?

[Toby]

"Take care of the Family..."

Yeah, taking care of the family is job #1, just like Jesus said.

Do not think that I came to bring peace on the earth; I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I came to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and a man’s enemies will be the members of his household. (Matthew 10:34-36)

If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple. (Luke 14:26)

The "faith and family" rhetoric of American Christianity weirds me out. I don't think Jesus meant that caring for faith is flatly inconsistent with caring for family, but it's pretty clear that there's some kind of important distinction being made here.

[Rozzen]

As a matter of fact, wasn't Jesus against families ? Sure he only said you should leave your family in order to follow him, but still.

[chris y]

Which is right? Genesis I or Genesis II?

What was John the Divine smoking?

[trevor]

"Take care of the Family..."

Ah, the joy of Abstract Nouns. Maybe it's easier to Take Care Of The Family than take care of, say, your own family, or that family down the street that's on the verge of getting evicted, or all those families in Africa that are headed by 12 year olds 'cause all the parents have died.
In fact, a casual reading of the prophets, with their emphasis on the orphan and the widow, might imply that God is particularly concerned about those outside stable nuclear family structures.

[Rozzen]

What was John the Divine smoking?
Mushrooms, according to Aziraphale.

[Tim Lehnerer]

Oh, and I'd be sure to tell God that George R. R. Martin can't die till A DREAM OF SPRING is completed.

[MerrySue]

Jeez, noone posted this one yet??:

If I shaved W's head, would I find a 666 on his scalp?

[Rosina]

What comes after us? Ants?

[cjmr]

"I suspect I will suffer the same fate as Cjmr's Husband."

More importantly, who is God having sex with?

Dunno. But I know it's not the same person as cjmr's husband is...

[Richard Donkey]

Hey, God, do a Barrel Roll

Seriously, if the plagues and the serial killers who rip babies out of their mother's wombs didn't give it away yet, the existence of /b/ ought to. There is no God.

[Jesurgislac]

Mushrooms, according to Aziraphale.

Weirdo. Most people just eat them. I suppose you could smoke them first.

[Jesurgislac]

trevor: Maybe it's easier to Take Care Of The Family than take care of, say, your own family, or that family down the street that's on the verge of getting evicted, or all those families in Africa that are headed by 12 year olds 'cause all the parents have died.

...or the family whose parents are forbidden from getting married, or the family whose children are only legally fostered not adopted, or the family who aren't allowed to count their children as the children of both parents, or the family whose mother is in jail for twelve years for having an abortion, or the family whose mother is dead because she wasn't allowed to abort, or the family whose mother is blind because she wasn't allowed to abort, or the family that was split up permanently because the mother had more children than she could afford to care for...

[Rozzen]

Oh, and I'd be sure to tell God that George R. R. Martin can't die till A DREAM OF SPRING is completed.

Oh yeah. I'd have to ask for the ending of the Amber Chronicles !

[Selcaby]

You must know that most people are labouring under some serious misconceptions about You and what, if anything, You want from us. I mean, if that wasn't the case we'd all be in agreement, right? I know we've got the Bible, but we can't even agree on how to interpret that, and it's causing a lot of us mega anxiety. So why don't You set us straight?

[indifferent children]

>> More importantly, who is God having sex with?

> Dunno. But I know it's not the same person as cjmr's husband is...

You can't really say that. See, God's modus operandi is to have sex with the girl/woman without her consent or knowledge (mystical rufies), and then send an angel around to explain about the pregnancy later. He's kind of assertive that way.

Only if an angel doesn't show up in the next two months or so, can you be sure that your statement was correct.

[spencer]

Serious questions for God, from an atheist who suddenly and unexpectedly receives a phone call from the Great Hereafter:

Where did you come from? Who or what made you? And why should we worship you instead of the entity that is powerful enough to create you?

Also, why couldn't you have been a little clearer when dictating the Bible, especially if we're being evaluated on how well we follow its lessons and teachings?

And finally, could you please explain the reasoning behind the whole "sending your son down to get crucified for us" thing, and how that actually takes away humankind's sins? That whole story has just never made a lick of sense to me, and none of the priests at my Catholic high school proved to be up to the task of explaining it.

Oh yeah, one more - what the @^#%$ is up with the concept of Original Sin? Don't you think that's just a teensy bit, y'know, unfair?

Thanks a bunch.

[Spalanzani]

Rosina: "What comes after us? Ants?"

Didn't ants come before us?

[Lila]

"Can I take a message?" (Isn't that what He usually wants?)

[Geds]

Seriously, if the plagues and the serial killers who rip babies out of their mother's wombs didn't give it away yet, the existence of /b/ ought to. There is no God.

Hear hear.

I'd go with, "Hey, can you bring Jeremiah back?" And I don't mean the prophet.

Also, "Can you make sure the Cubs never win the Series again, I mean, assuming that requires divine intervention?" It amuses me to no end to watch Cubs fans go through the cycle of getting their hopes up, then dashed, every year.

However, on a more frightening note, I happened to catch a bit of a piece on Huckabee on ABC's nightly newsmagazine last night. At one point in the thing he attributed his sudden jump in the polls to Divine Intervention. He explained it with something like, "I'm not saying I'm 'god's man' for the office, but that god's been strengthening me through the prayers of others," and so on and so forth.

It was like Gee Dubs in 2000 all over again. I was terrified.

[Blackadder]

Not to start a flame war*, but the Philistines were not "brown people," as someone put it. They were one of the so-called "Sea Peoples" mentioned by the Egyptians and on the strength of pottery and the like are thought to have come from the Aegean. (For what little it's worth as a historical document, the Bible itself says the Philistines were from "Caphtor" - Crete.) Since the ancient Hebrews were essentially Bedouin cutthroats, a fact well-reflected in their gory and ignorant religious writings, I imagine they also had a better sun tan than the coastal Syrians (Canaanites) they preyed on.

It may be a trivial point, but it seems to me that many Republicans are plenty racist enough without twisting every possible topic into further accusations of racism (and that's without even getting into the issue that - "brown" skin or not - Bedouin Arabs are technically every bit as Caucasian as Britt Ekland). I always joke that fundamentalist Christians must worship Satan, since they see him everywhere. I sure hope that liberal-minded folks don't worship racism.

*-Famous last words.

[Chuchundra]

I can't believe that you (and everyone else) totally missed the autograph joke. God isn't asking for Bush's autograph. He's asking for Arnold Schwarzenegger's autograph. You know, the newly elected Governor of California at that time. That's why it's "for Samson".

OK, it's not Richard Pryor (or even Rich Little) level material, but at least that way the joke makes sense.

[Anne]

Many of my questions are already mentioned. But the first one should be:

Is it ok for You if I tape this conversation (and put it on the internet)?

--
Other questions:

Is there intelligent life on other planets? If yes, how is the salvation thing working for them? Do they get their own Jesus?

How is the salvation working anyway? Was it planned for Jesus to die like that? (The title song of Jesus Christ Superstar has all the right questions.)

Did Jesus really say he would return within the lifetime of some of his listeners? If yes, what does that mean?

Is there something like the Trinity, and how does it really work?

[Joolya]

Re: Samson, I think that Huckabee must have meant that Arnie was in the room as well as GWB, and that Samson wanted an autograph from Conan the Barbarian.
Chuch beat me to this, but I just got here.

[Joolya]

I'm no evangelical, but doesn't this "blessing" sketch seem like it could count as hard core blasphemy??? I mean, "God calls Huckabee and shoots the shit whilst tacitly endorsing political candidates" shows a little bit of disrespect for The Man.

[Jesurgislac]

Could you give me the six National Lottery numbers that will come up on the next rollover Saturday draw?

[Joolya]

What ho, God, old chap! Here's my question, in three parts.
One: Of all the people who've said that you've called them (and all the acolytes you said you called someone else who gave them the message), which ones a) weren't making it up or schizophrenic, b) delivered the message correctly and c) are you glad you called now? Two: Is there anyone you did call who never told anyone (like I'm about to) who you wish had? And three: Has anybody who has made suppositions or claims about what you are like (e.g. simgular, plural, wrathful, loving, interventionist, irrelevent) gotten anything right?
Please justify your answers with at least three details.
Cheers, mate.

[Joolya]

(PS- sorry for all the typos in the above post.)

[Geds]

Since the ancient Hebrews were essentially Bedouin cutthroats, a fact well-reflected in their gory and ignorant religious writings, I imagine they also had a better sun tan than the coastal Syrians (Canaanites) they preyed on.

So, beyond the general harshness (and, really, most ancient writings were strong on the ignorant and contained more than a bit of gory. Hell, we've still got plenty of that today. I mean, Left Behind...), there is one minor detail you're missing.

Jesus was white. He spoke with a British accent. Everyone knows this.

Since Jesus was white and Jesus was a Jew, then that means that Jews were white and anyone they killed was a dark-skinned savage. It's simple deductive reasoning.

Oh, that and the fact that I'd be willing to bet that if anyone does think about such things now in terms of race, they assign any sort of racial characteristics to the Philistines while not thinking about the general physical appearance of the Jews. Christians are supposed to identify with the Jews, after all. So what better way than to ignore everything about the Jewish people and make them exactly like the person reading in every way?

[Geds]

(PS- sorry for all the typos in the above post.)

Too late, Joolya. We're all gonna hold it against you...

[Jake]

You fuckhead. To knowingly cause even the amount of suffering I have seen in my over-privileged little rich Canadian white girl life is unconscionable. Since we know that my suffering is the least of it, the only conclusion is that you're the cosmic equivalent of a psychopathic little boy with an anthill and a magnifying glass. And you expect worship? Creep.

[cjmr]

Jesus was white. He spoke with a British accent. Everyone knows this.

Which is why people get weirded out by images like this one or this one.

[Ross]

So, um, big guy, I've always wanted to know: What's the deal with the duck-billed platypus? Were you just showing off or something?

[Rozzen soon turning into Caravelle, for no reason whatsoever.]

On the race of biblical figures front, I like the fundie assertion that Adam and Eve were "olive-skinned". (because they contained all the human genetic characteristics which explains the subsequent diversity of course).

I'm sorry but to me "olive-skinned" isn't halfway between "black" and "white". Isn't it what the Spanish are ?
If Adam and Eve were of the bastard color between all the colors humans can be today, they'd qualify as black. But oh no, that can't do.

[Vermic]

"So, what is the deal with all the beetles?"

[Lauren]

Never mind the platypus. What was up with Opabinia?

[cjmr]

Rozzen soon turning into Caravelle, for no reason whatsoever

You're turning into a two-masted ship?

[Chris]

If you only had one lightning bolt handy, would you hurl it at Richard Dawkins or James Dobson?

[Chris]

or me?

[Caravelle]

@cjmr : I wish ! No, I just decided I liked the name and was going to use it as a handle from now on. Unless I change my mind.

[andlorr]

By whose hand will the Secret Rapture come?

"But why the hat; why not a kicky beret?"

"Tool Operator, Tooooooool Operator"

"I like the smell of fresh woodchips and sawdust."

"I put them in my underwear!"

[mmack]

Which is right? Genesis I or Genesis II?

The Genesis with Peter Gabriel, of course.

What was John the Divine smoking?

Smoking nothing! I still say he hit the Retsina a little too hard that night.

[Blackadder]

I guess it IS a little harsh to call the ancient Hebrews cutthroats, merely because they claimed to have sacked dozens of cities full of people who had never personally offended them, butchered the women and children (and livestock - what's with that?) and left the ruins in flames. After all, God told them to.

[MikhailBorg]

"Wait, why are you calling me? As I'm sure You're aware enough to realize, I'm not even Christian."

For a moment, I pictured God answering the phone with that line. Now that's comedy.

The first question I could come up with: "Okay, on the level here. Is everything really going as planned?"

[Tonio]

Regarding skin color, if the fundamentalists are correct about Noah's sons, any Biblical movie epic would have to cast the sons as Hugh Grant, Will Smith, and Jet Li.