Zuzu's petals

To fully appreciate the perspective, values and standards of "Movieguide," consider this: They present an annual award called the Faith & Values Crystal Teddy Bear Award for Dedication to Redeeming the Values of the Mass Media of Entertainment.

Last year, a Special Lifetime Faith & Values Crystal Teddy Bear Award for Dedication to Redeeming the Values of the Mass Media of Entertainment was given to Pat Boone.

I don't know if they refer to this as the F&VCTBADRVMME for short, or if they just refer to it as the "Crystal Teddy Bear." (I tried Googling "crystal" + "teddy" + "bear," but all I got was a bunch of stories about Ted Haggard.) The actual award itself is, in fact, a Lucite teddy-bear statuette -- cuddly, but in a hard and brittle kind of way.

Imagine we were assigned as a committee to design an artistic award. Our instructions for this design would be to create something so hideously tasteless and aesthetically maladroit that it would signal to all the world, unambiguously, that neither the presenter nor the recipient should ever be allowed to have anything to do with or say about the arts. After rejecting the rhinestone-encrusted Thomas Kinkade painting in the gold-plated frame as not quite ugly enough, someone on the committee suggests a teddy bear statuette. A crystal teddy bear statuette. We would all sit silent for a moment, picturing such a thing in our heads. And then we'd all laugh and move on, trying to come up with something a little less over the top.

So again, let me just repeat that this was something that really happened: Last year, Movieguide presented Pat Boone with a Special Lifetime Faith & Values Crystal Teddy Bear Award for Dedication to Redeeming the Values of the Mass Media of Entertainment.

Movieguide judges films according to a whole alphabet of possible sins. Their glossary* includes the usual suspects of sex, violence, nudity and strong language, but also things like:

Ab - Mild or light anti-biblical, anti-Christian or anti-Jewish worldview or elements
AbAb - Strong anti-biblical, anti-Christian or anti-Jewish worldview or elements
AbAbAb - Very strong anti-biblical, anti-Christian or anti-Jewish worldview or elements ...
ACap - Anti-capitalism, anti-wealth, politics of envy
AP - Anti-patriotism or anti-Americanism ...
E - Environmentalism or environmentalist worldview
Ev - Evolutionary worldview or elements
Fe - Feminist worldview or elements
FR - Non-Christian worldview or false religions, such as Mormonism or legalism
H - Humanist worldview or humanism (incl. Marxism, communism, socialism, etc.)
Ho - Homosexual worldview or homosexuality (incl. sodomy & lesbianism)
I - Internationalist or globalist worldview or elements ...

For a sense of how Movieguide measures such things, see for example their review of The Walker, the latest film from Calvin College graduate Paul Schrader,** which they condemn for "Excessive Leftist Elements." What that means, apparently, is that the protagonist is homosexual, prompting a long rant, which is part of Movieguide's review but has nothing to do with the film:

A self-declared follower of Jesus, or member of a recognized Christian church, who publicly accepts homosexuality, adultery or any other sin -- as many leaders, pundits and celebrities have done -- is making a mockery of his or her faith. Such people are the ultimate hypocrites and false teachers. Their misguided public actions and speeches present a grave public danger to all the world’s children. We must publicly and/or privately call them to repent and turn to Jesus.

So, according to the Movieguide folks, I'm not really a follower of Jesus, but rather a "false teacher" and a "grave public danger to all the world's children." I suppose I could say something similar about them for their lying to children about evolution and teaching that women's equality and care for our environment are sins to be warned against. So let's call that a wash. (Although I would love to have a T-shirt that said, "A grave public danger to all the world's children," which would also be a great album name.)

As worked-up as Movieguide gets in their review of The Walker, it's nothing compared to their recent PR-blitz attacking The Golden Compass, a film they condemn as "Abhorrent."

Here's a video clip of Movieguide's Ted Baehr at a screening of The Golden Compass:

Anyway, there's the background on Movieguide, the gay-hatin', crystal teddy bear-lovin' arbiters of taste and morality. All of which is just to preface the press release the group sent out today (via fax, it's not on their Web site yet) announcing their "Must See Christmas Films for Families." Here is their list:

10) The Bells of St. Mary's
9) A Christmas Story
8) Miracle on 34th Street (1947)
7) Home Alone
6) Meet John Doe
5) Meet Me in St. Louis
4) The Muppet Christmas Carol
3) The Nativity Story
2) Ben-Hur
1) It's a Wonderful Life

That's not all that bad. I didn't expect Movieguide to like many of my favorite holiday classics, such as The Ref, or Die Hard, or even Elf. And while I'm not a fan of Ben-Hur (apart from the classic chariot race), at least they didn't include The Robe. I'd probably include A Christmas Story*** and A Muppet Christmas Carol on my own Top 10 list. (I love Meet John Doe, too, but I don't usually think of it as a Christmas movie.) And I enthusiastically share their pick for No. 1 -- It's a Wonderful Life isn't just one of my favorite holiday movies, but one of my favorite movies, period. It gets my vote for the Great American Novel.

The problem here, however, is that It's a Wonderful Life shouldn't be on Movieguide's list.

They should hate this movie, labeling it "Abhorrent" due to its strident ACapACapACap content.

It might seem strange to label a movie with a banker protagonist as containing "Very strong Anti-capitalism, anti-wealth, politics of envy," but George Bailey is the wrong kind of banker, the wrong kind of capitalist. The central conflict of the movie and, the film insists, the central conflict of American society is between George Bailey and Old Man Potter. And Old Man Potter is, for the Movieguide folks and their ilk, the right kind of capitalist.

George Bailey's sin, and the one thing that separates him from Potter, is that he refuses to maximize profit. He runs the Baily Bros. Building & Loan according to a whole host of values that have nothing to do with his fiduciary responsibility to his shareholders, settling instead for some notion of what he regards as a "fairness," i.e. socialism.

Bailey views himself as some kind of class-warfare champion, self-righteousy trumpeting his superior morality on behalf of the "rabble" who, he says, "do most of the working and paying and living and dying in this community." Bailey goes further, insisting that the proletariat also possess positive economic rights to things like housing and employment. Pointy-headed ivory-tower intellectual economists may try to claim that this doesn't make Bailey a communist -- that the Bailey Bros. Building & Loan is actually a model of a humane capitalism that is better able to account for larger social and economic factors than is the predatory brand of corporate capitalism practiced by his rival Potter. But those eggheads are all just envious, anti-wealth commies too. There are no shades of gray here, only shades of pink -- Bailey's refusal to maximize profit makes him a socialist, a communist, even a Stalinist or a Maoist probably.

George Bailey's Maoism also illustrates why the politics of envy is anti-family. What kind of father keeps his children in a drafty, dilapidated old house just because he's too morally smug to accept Potter's perfectly reasonable offer of a higher salary? A bad father. The kind who poses a danger not only to his own children, but also a grave public danger to all the world’s children.

And if all of that is true for George Bailey, it goes double for Ebenezer Scrooge. So no crystal teddy bears for Jimmy Stewart or Michael Caine.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

* Bonus extra credit: Apply the ratings of Movieguide's glossary to Hamlet.

** Schrader, who also wrote Taxi Driver, deals most directly with his personal history as a Calvinist theology student in his classic film Hardcore. That film -- which is where the above clip is actually from -- includes a scene in which George C. Scott explains the five points of the Calvinist "TULIP" to a prostitute. Not to be missed. As for The Walker, I'll be sure to see it because, after all, it is the story of an innocent man embroiled in an international scheme, and I love that story.

*** One of my prized possessions is a signed first edition of In God We Trust: All Others Pay Cash, the source of many of the stories in A Christmas Story. Flick lives.

Comments

[fmstack]

... incoherent rant from Scott in 5... 4... 3...

[K488]

I'm glad to see Jean Shepherd still honored. His stories kept me up late at night as a teen in the '60's, and he is sorely missed. Thanks, too, for the words about Wonderful Life. We're all living in Pottersville now.

[cjmr]

Nah, he probably won't be back until morning.

[cjmr]

(test comment with no real content)

Ever since this morning I've been having real problems with Typepad's spam filter. It won't let me post much at all. I thought it might be my IP address. Nah, everyone else is having problems, too. Every time I try to post something it sends me back. I'd complain to Fred, but I bet he can't fix it. I will be very frustrated until it is working properly again.

[Kyle]

It seems like the New Testament would be pretty ACap ("Do not store up for yourselves..."), not to mention AP ("'"I tell you the truth, I have not found anyone in Israel with such great faith.'") and I ("Go therefore and make disciples of all nations...").

No crystal teddy for Christ, I guess.

[Victoria]

I for one am glad for this website: as an anti-capitalist Christian I now have a place on the web to help me find movies in line with my values. Thank you, Movieguide!!!

[cjmr]

Okay, so if that went through, why wouldn't it let me post:

Nah, he won't be back until morning.?

I used all those words in the previous comment.

[ako]

Really, you're just baiting Scott at this point, aren't you?

Personally, I'm hoping for return of the (TM). The bolding just doesn't have the same dramatic impact.

[ako]

Okay, so if that went through, why wouldn't it let me post:

Maybe you weren't quick enough off the mark with the 'prove you're not a robot' letter thing? I know if you're too slow, they assume you're spamming.

[mmack]

Hey look, Fred - we post hard stories here for men and women who want to make angry posts fast, and we don't need any characters around to give the site "atmosphere". Is that clear, or do I have to slip you my left for a convincer?

:^)

I don't know if I've ever laughed as hard at one of your posts in a long time. Thanks, and

"Merry Christmas, Fred! Merry Christmas, posters! Merry Christmas, you wonderful old Slacktivist!"

[Bugmaster]

All of which is just to preface the press release the group sent out today (via fax, it's not on their Web site yet)

Nooooo ! I'd almost stopped laughing, but then I read that line, and now I can't stop ! Hahahahahaha KHAAAAAN, I mean FREEEEED ! Hahahahah

[Bugmaster]

Haha, I note that the Movieguide ratings for Beowulf include "PaPa" (PAganism galore) and "FR" (False Religions, such as the aforementioned paganism, and, amusingly enough, Mormonism). Notably, more than half of the characters in the actual movie convert to Christianity at the end (as evidenced by the bling-sized crosses they all decide to wear); and the worship of the Norse pantheon is never shown (unless you count "By Odin ! What is that thing ?!" as worship).

So, apparently it's not only dangerous for Christians to see a movie which presents a non-Christian religion (such as, you know, Mormonism) in a positive or neutral light; it is just as dangerous for Christians to learn of the very existence of such religions. Wow. That just boggles my mind. Apparently, Christians and Odin go together like vampires and sunlight.

[Jason]

It often goes unnoticed, but "It's a Wonderful Life" is a pretty dark film. The implicit suggestion is that a a Pottersville lurks beneath every Bedford Falls, and is kept at bay only by the goodwill generated by a few people.

[Stacia]

That crystal teddy bear looks exactly like something my boyfriend got me in high school in 1990. I doubt anyone designed that poor bear, I think they just bought it at Coach House Gifts.

[Stacia]

By the way, Fred, your links aren't working. Did you know that? You probably knew that.

[Bugmaster]

It's a Wonderful Life is actually two movies, jammed together. One is a grimly realistic commentary on the human condition. The other one is a light comedy. What I find interesting is that the second part amplifies the first. The implication is that, without bona-fide, materially manifested divine intervention, George Bailey would've committed suicide -- not merely out of despair, but because this was the only honorable option left to him. In a world where God does not send physical, embodied, alternate-reality-hopping, bumbling comedic angels down to Earth on a daily basis, good people have no right to even exist.

That's pretty depressing, once you think about it.

[Kare]

Oh I am so happy to find another person who recognizes that "Die Hard" is a Christmas movie. A couple years ago my husband and I both had the flu on Christmas. We rented watched tr hat one, and those other great holiday classics "Lethal Weapon" and "Stalag 17." They're still a feature of all our Christmas celebrations.

[Jon]

From the classic "Christmas With The Joker" episode of Batman: The Animated Series:

Robin: I can't believe you've never seen It's a Wonderful Life.
Batman: I could never get past the title.

But honestly, Mormonism? In Beowulf?

[Reynard]

George C. isn't watching pr0n, he's wondering why he paid that $1.99 to see the latest "Left Behind" flick...

Also, don't forget that "Trading Places" is also one of the best Christmas (anti-Christmas?) comedies made.

[Ryan Ferneau]

Aww, but the crystal teddy bear looks so cute! I can imagine it saying, "Please don't hate me for being made of crystal."

[Abelardus]

Movieguide might be laughable, or simply sad, if there weren't actually people who rated movies through so dark a glass. Haven't they ever heard of freedom of expression? And since when does Christianity go lock-step with capitalism? "Don't store up riches on earth, for your riches are in heaven." Not very capitalistic, that.

[Abelardus]

"If people didn't actually prefer movies through so dark a glass" is what I meant to say; rate is rather vague.

[jamoche]

Kare: Lethal Weapon is one of my favourite Christmas movies, too.

[1982_Cygni]

Just read articles from the Movieguide website. Apparently, according to their worldview, Harry Potter is bad for children, The Golden Compass far worse, but the Star Wars films, which are as laden with Eastern mythology as they are Western, can be used to teach kids about Jesus.

I've also noticed a few glaring inconsistencies in their choice of Good Moral Christian Films. For example, Titan A.E. won for one of the best family films of 1999, even though it was written, directed, and designed by Don Bluth, who is *gasp* a Mormon.

That Ted Baehr guy who runs the website has some odd theories about sociology, too--that films like The Graduate and Midnight Cowboy are more responsible for the increase in poverty and people on welfare (which is supposedly unbiblical, anyway) than any misguided policy to cut inner city development, dissolve unions, or send factories to Tijuana or Singapore or Bangalore. He also called the Columbine and Virginia Tech shooters "humanist," but last I checked humanists were people who think that humans are innately good and can do fantastic things, and last I checked murdering students and teachers goes against maximizing human potential. Then there's that whole "Christians are good, Jews are okay, but Mormons are misguided and Muslims are evil" nonsense that I don't get. Basically, he's Thomas C. Cardner, sans the shrill anti-Catholicism, with a PHd of some sort or another and access to a far better web designer. My teeth hurt and my brain hurts. I'm going downstairs to read a book now. Maybe Slaughterhouse Five by that godless pacifist secular humanist psycho Kurt Vonnegut.

[Cary Bleasdale]

Delurking to comment...

This has got to be the most hilarious website I've read in a long time. I'm especially enjoying their review of "Love in the Time of Cholera."
First sentence says it all, really.

"Very strong Romantic worldview with an implied criticism of classism in a South American culture"

Well...wouldn't want to be attacking classism. No siree. Jesus would NEVER go out of his way to attack wealth and status. Nope. That Jesus, he stayed on the Anti-abortion, Anti-Gay, and Pro-America message.

The most depressing thing about their worldview, to me at least, is this:

"[T]he movie has a very strong Romantic worldview where emotional desires and sexual lust trump morality and common sense. Such Romanticism is abhorrent."

I can see condemning lust. But romanticism and "emotional desires" as Teh Evul? That's just depressing. Love? Passion? "Joy, joy, joy, tears of joy?"

Nahhh. Morality and common sense.

Woohoo. Sign me up for THAT religion.

That's not even Puritanical. That's just...boring.

[Scott]

George Bailey's sin, and the one thing that separates him from Potter, is that he refuses to maximize profit. He runs the Baily Bros. Building & Loan according to a whole host of values that have nothing to do with his fiduciary responsibility to his shareholders, settling instead for some notion of what he regards as a "fairness," i.e. socialism.

Bailey's business is his to run as he sees fit, seeing as he owns it. Where Fred breaks down, as usual, is when he decides that since a fictional character chooses to run his business in a way Fred likes, that somehow proves Fred should run everyone's businesses as Fred likes.

[Abelardus]

Not to be confrontational -- too late, maybe? -- but is that the rant fmstack was waiting for? It actually seems rather coherent; I'd just cut Fred some slack, let him interpret as he will.

[pharoute]

What about "Bad Santa"?! A heartwarming tale of the redemptive power of Love.

[ako]

Not only no (TM), but no bolding at all? Scott, you're just taunting me!

[bluefrog]

Ryan Ferneau: Aww, but the crystal teddy bear looks so cute! I can imagine it saying, "Please don't hate me for being made of crystal."

But it's not crystal, bad as that would be. It's lucite, which is MUCH worse, if somehow completely fiting.

[Salamanda]

Muppet Christmas Carol FTW!!!

My favorite blurb is for Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium:

"Godless Magical Happiness"!

Dude. Sign me up!

[Salamanda]

bluefrog: But it's not crystal, bad as that would be. It's lucite, which is MUCH worse, if somehow completely fiting.

I like to think they're made from recycled lucite heels donated by strippers, so that Movieguide is unwittingly rewarding wholesomeness with abhorrence year after year!

[Boze]

one of your best posts ever

"It's a Wonderful Life" is an extremely dark movie. It's also very anti-family. I have a couple of friends who have sworn never to get married, and we all cheer every time we watch the movie and it comes to the part where he screams, "WHY DO WE HAVE TO HAVE SO MANY KIDS?!" Best line in the film...

[Elpheba]

Have to love the criticism of "Romanticism" in _The Mist_ in which people are portrayed as (gasp!) "being basically good."

And _Southland Tales_ as a "bizarre apocalypse" having "some references to Christianity and the Bible in an apocalyptic tale but no discernible biblical theology." Hmm ... can't think of a popular series of apocalyptic pulps with a similar problem.

Oh, and Redacted is WWII looselips poster meets war-on-terrorism buzzwrod bingo: "Giving Aid and Comfort to Muslim Terrorists and Their Koranic Jihad."

The grammar is to die for. Here's the full content analysis of The Mist, with special points for graphic mid-sentence tense changes and gratuitous use of semicolons. Oh and ONE period:

"Very strong humanist worldview with very strong anti-biblical, anti-Christian elements where people can only help themselves and cannot depend on, and do not believe in, God’s help, with people mocking the idea of asking God for help and those who do speak for God turn into a murderous mob, plus strong Romanticism where mob rule takes control, references to people being basically good, and the people hiding from deadly creatures are led by emotion and become irrational and violent, plus light pagan elements represented in the evil creatures from another dimension and no true supernatural references, with some light biblical principles represented including a truth about the need for repentance, but this quickly changes into a cult-like teaching, and including the moral value of a strong father/son relationship with the father risking himself to protect his son and others; 76 obscenities (including 19 “f” words) and 34 profanities (many “GD” uses); graphic creature violence including people’s bodies being turn apart, flesh torn from bones, people eaten, burned flesh, and creatures “hatch” from inside a body, plus several instances of murder, including a graphic stabbing and even more graphic shooting, and three suicides are shown and an extremely disturbing scene of a “mercy killing” murder involving a child; no sexual content or nudity; some alcohol use involving adults drinking beer, but no drunkenness; no smoking or illegal drug use, but a depiction of an overdose is shown; and, lying, revenge and bad role models."

[SMGT]

Thank you for finally mentioning MovieGuide.Org. For the past two years, I've had something of a sick obsession with the site. If I enjoyed a movie, I ha to know how much ol' Ted hated it. That site eats at me, in those cold, long hours of the night, when the house is still, and there's no one to argue with, or at the very least explain what's wrong with the site.

So thank you Fred.

Anyway, the first review I read of MovieGuide was that of Brokeback Mountain. As you can imagine Ted LOVED it. Actually, he called it boring and plotless, then ranted about how the gays and their allies where out to get America. It was pretty great

[William Black]

The hell? Ben-hur isn't a christmas movie.

And why isn't The Nightmare Before Christmas on the list? ;)

[hf]

I thought Meet John Doe involved a fascist takeover of the US.

[Johnny Pez]

Movieguide's Ted Baehr

Ah, that explains why it's a teddy bear.

That Ted's got quite the whimsical sense of humor.

[Elpheba]

OMG I just found the best movieguide quote ever:

"no sex scenes but soldier’s wife mentions having phone sex with husband during support group session and 12 year-old-girl talks with young boy about her age or a year older"

phone sex = sexual content; check
12-year-old girl talking with a boy her age = sexual content ... WTF?

[Dahne]

Cary Bleasdale: That's not even Puritanical. That's just...boring.

WIN.

[Dahne]

Oh my Yog-Sothoth. They have a petition against Manhunt 2.

simulate extremely violent acts on victims, such as stabbing, slicing, and chopping victims with an ax. Because of the Nintendo Wii's interactive interface, gamers will have the ability to physically imitate these vicious violent acts.

I really, really want to see somebody try to commit murder with a Wiimote now.

[Jenny Islander]

So it's a teddy bear that cannot be hugged, made of something that pretends to be something it is not (and will collect dust and grease like nobody's business), and on top of that it's a bad pun?

At first glance, Fred, I thought this was a joke post.

I now have an urge to search the site for all films that seethe with feminist content.

[Jenny Islander]

Never mind. I'm not paying forty dollars a year to a man of his age who cannot punctuate.

[mcc]

I think the teddy bear is actually pretty cool, in an postmodern industrial sort of way. It's like the bear was created by some kind of robot with limited grasp of human aesthetics, or a computer program with low resolution. Of course, I'm not sure these are the values that Movieguide was actually trying to play to with their bear design...

Incidentally, I was kinda confused about this:

FR - Non-Christian worldview or false religions, such as Mormonism or legalism

..."Legalism"? Is that code for Catholicism or something?

[Ryan Ferneau]

So even when Fred tries to write a movie review from Scott's point of view, Scott still denounces it because he equates "Fred would like the world to change for the better" with "Fred is attempting to conquer the world and reshape it to his will."

[Praline]

I particularly like how MovieGuide's long, long list of objections to The Walker includes 'political corruption rebuked.'

And then objects to 'lying'. Presumably done by non-politicians.

Honestly, I'm trying to find a witty way of pointing out how appalling and stupid that all is, but words fail me.

[Praline]

I suspect It's A Wonderful Life gets off the hook because it was, you know, made a long time ago. Before those horrible 1960s. Set in a small town, with no nasty city people.

And, as we all know, things were better then.

[Lee Ratner]

I'm suprised they include anti-Jewish as a category. I'd thought people like this would not care and even
if they did care, could not identify movies that are contrary to Jewish thought.

[Lee Ratner]

This is very interesting. The actually award itself could be used in a dictionary as a definition of kitsch. As far as I could tell is that a lot of evangelical culture involves a lot of kitsch. To be fair, more than a good chunk of Jewish culture involves a good deal of kitsch. The differnce is that most Jews recognize that Jewish kitsch is kitsch.

I really do not understand some of the categories. Not the anti-capitalist stuff, because knew that Right-wing Christians are enamoured by capitalism despite what the Bible says or the anti-feminist and anti-homosexual things. What confuses me is why they think Christians should avoid movies that are anti-American or internationalist. I believe that Christ in the New Testament was not that big on patriotism, render unto Ceasar and all that. I believe he also commanded the Apostles to go and make the whole world his disciples. Shouldn't this mean that Chrisians should embrace a type of Christian internationalism? Their world view is really confusing.

I'm suprised that they include anti-Judaism as a category because I really do not think they could recognize a movie whose themes are contrary to Judaism.

[Carol]

The MovieGuide (and others) anti-Mormon thing just drives me crazy. Although they take Protestant Christianity and somehow make it all to be about JESUS LOVES 'MERCA... the Mormons are wrong, wrong, wrong because they believe in a religion based on the presumption that Jesus loved America so much He made an in-person visit?

In other news, The Mist, Love in the Time of Cholera, and Golden Compass get three out of four stars and yet are rated as abhorrent. The sages at MovieGuide hate them with ever fiber of their moral being, but on the whole it was pretty good movie. It's like they're saying to their readers, "so don't go see it, but just know that you're taking a moral stand on an otherwise really good movie. Don't you wish you worked for MovieGuide so you could have a good, Godly reason to go see such delightful anti-morality movie? Just so you know, you're missing out on some great movies."