L.B.: Otherwise innocuous

Left Behind, pp. 397-399

The authors, yet again, subtly point out that Buck and Rayford have opposite impressions of how their recent "interview" went. And by "subtly" there, I'm thinking of the way that Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford subtly expressed her disapproval of wire coat hangers.

Here's the last bit from Buck's point of view:

It would be fun someday to tell Rayford Steele how much that otherwise innocuous interview had meant to him. But Buck assumed Steele had already figured that out. That was probably why Steele had seemed so passionate.

And then we switch back to Rayford and read that he "felt he was a failure" based on that same interview. For those keeping score at home, this is the eighth consecutive transition between protagonists to make this exact same point. And in between those transitions, the pilot and the reporter have spent most of the past 13 pages brooding on this same thing --

Rayford was privately frustrated. ... Buck sat without interrupting. ... Buck was desperate to maintain his composure. ... Rayford was certain he was not getting through. ... Buck did not trust himself to respond with coherence. ... Chloe was crying. ... Rayford was profoundly disappointed with Chloe's [response]. ... Rayford was convinced Williams was merely being polite. ... "Your dad is a pretty impressive guy." ... Buck did not sleep well. ... Buck assumed Steele had already figured that out. ... So far Rayford felt he was a failure. ...

Uncle! Please, make the bad men stop. Thirteen pages of this relentless pounding doesn't just make an impression on readers, it makes a contusion.

One also wonders what Buck meant by "this otherwise innocuous interview." It was a 90-minute, uninterrupted monologue informing him that: A) he is a sinner, damned to Hell; and B) the world is coming to an unspeakably violent end and there's nothing anyone can do to stop it. How is any of that "otherwise innocuous"? It's the End of the World -- literally. Buck here seems to be supplying the answer to the old joke: But besides that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play? "It was otherwise innocuous."

As Rayford continues his sanctified sulking, we learn that he, too, is a bit unclear on the concept of the apocalypse:

If this signaled the soon beginning of the tribulation period predicted in the Bible, and Rayford had no doubt that it did, he wondered if there would be any joy in it.

What part of "tribulation" does he not understand? I suppose Rayford's just trying to accentuate the positive, to find the silver lining in "great distress, unequaled from the beginning of the world." He just prefers to look at the seven bowls of divine wrath as half-full. (Or I suppose, in this case, half-empty would be the more optimistic view.) The next seven years will be marked by unprecedented, convulsive, global calamities. The population of the earth will be enslaved to a tyrant and inexorably, painfully whittled down to a scant remnant which will itself be swept away in a final conflagration. One way or another -- through famine, pestilence, war, fire, flood, earthquake or poison -- every man, woman, beast, bird, fish and plant will die.

"He wondered if there would be any joy in it." Short answer: No.

We get another full page of Rayford's self-flagellation over "his performance during the interview with Cameron Williams," during which we're told that, "From the depths of his soul Rayford wanted to be more productive ... to bring more people to Christ." Take a moment to savor the ghastly use of the word "productive" there, and appreciate that all of the reasons why that's so very much the wrong word are the same reasons the authors seem to have thought it was the right one.

The magazine interview had been an incredible opportunity, but in his gut he felt it had not come off well. ... Rayford believed he had seen the last of Cameron Williams. He wouldn't be calling Bruce Barnes, and Rayford's quotes would never see the pages of Global Weekly.

Because the important thing isn't to spread the gospel or to warn the world of its impending doom. The important thing is to get quoted and get your name in print.

Rayford mopes about for another full page. He had heard Chloe crying herself to sleep, but he's convinced they were tears of embarrassment over her father the fanatic. (After spending this entire chapter totally misreading every signal from his daughter, it would have been nice to see Mr. Perceptive begin to question his utter confidence that he always knows exactly what women are thinking and what they would say to him if he allowed them to speak, but of course this doesn't occur to him either.)

He prays for a sign, for "encouragement ... I need to know I haven't turned her off forever." Two paragraphs later, Chloe "embraced him tight and long, pressing her cheek against his chest."

Such little quotidian signs of the presence of a responsive God become a regular part of the rest of these books. This is a staple of Christian Brand fiction, but the authors don't seem to have considered how strange it is in the context of this story. "Please, God, give me some small sign," makes sense in some Jeanette Oke or Grace Livingston Hill story, but here, after God has directly incinerated the Russo-Ethiopian air fleet and then whisked away some 2 billion people in the twinkling of an eye, it seems a bit odd that the believers in Left Behind would find these smaller gestures so much more compelling as evidence of divine intervention.*

This comes up again in the following section, after Chloe receives her own equally ambiguous and unimpressive answer to prayer. "I just told God I needed a little more," she says. More, that is, than just her father's earnest pleading. Chloe also acknowledges that the Trip and Die guys might be a hint of some divine activity. "There's no other explanation** for those two guys in Jerusalem, is there, except that they have to be the two witnesses talked about in the Bible?" she says. It doesn't occur to her, or to the authors, that The Event or what Buck called "the Israel miracle" might also be regarded as signs from God. Like her father, she doesn't find such flashy phenomenon as persuasive as she does the "little more" gestures, the supposedly miraculous answers to prayer, such as a hug from a family member or a stalker's reminding you that you're never alone.

The impression such scenes give is something like if Moses had interrupted God's engraving of the stone tablets on Mt. Sinai and said, "I'm thinking of a number between one and ten ..."

That's symptomatic of a larger problem pervading the rest of this series, following the conversion of our various protagonists. The authors follow the conventions of much Christian Brand fiction, presenting their heroes as models of Christian living their readers ought to emulate. Except that none of their readers is living in this same wholly disconnected context. This tribulation period is, according to the authors themselves, a unique, parenthetical span of history -- a distinct and separate "dispensation." It is wholly unprecedented and nothing about it is to serve as a precedent for anything else (just like Bush v. Gore). The authors vacillate between emphasizing that differentness and forgetting about it entirely. It's the apocalypse, but it's otherwise innocuous.

Better writers can still find a way, even in such an alien context, to allow readers to relate to characters in such a story.*** But in the hands of LaHaye and Jenkins, this becomes a story of people who are not like us in a world that is not like ours, overseen by a god that is not like God.

While receiving the answer-to-prayer hug from his daughter, Rayford wonders if this would be the right time to press her again about converting to the Church of The Antichrist and All. But then:

... he felt deeply impressed of God, as if the Lord were speaking directly to his spirit, Patience. Let her be. Let her be.

"Though she may be parted," the Lord might have added, "there is still a chance that she may see."

What's interesting here is that after 15 pages of Rayford being wholly misled by what he felt "in his gut," we see him now getting a feeling in his gut that he interprets as "the Lord ... speaking directly to his spirit." How can he be sure this is, indeed, the voice of the Holy Spirit and not, rather, "an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of an underdone potato"? Rayford's visceral approach to spiritual discernment seems prone to misinterpretation.

Here's the Christian Brand novel I'd like to see. Start with this very scene -- the apparent voice of the Lord reassuring the anxious parent to "Let her be, let her be." Then have the daughter walk out the door and get hit by the Hypothetical Bus. And then what happens?

- - - - - - - - - - - -

* This reminds me a bit of the story of Gideon, who played endless games with fleece while remaining unimpressed by repeated face-to-face conversations with the angel of the Lord. But unlike our heroes in LB, Gideon was supposed to seem timid and obtuse. (The tone for the story is set when the angel, finding Gideon cowering in a winepress, calls him "mighty warrior." You have to like any story that includes angelic sarcasm.)

** Chloe, Buck and the authors all seem to think the answer to this question is No, but of course there are dozens of other possible explanations for "those two guys in Jerusalem." They might, in fact, be acting like the two witnesses from the Bible because they'd read that passage in the Bible. That actually happens a lot. The two witnesses in our story might be Moses and Elijah returned to this mortal coil, but they might also be the reincarnations of John Reeve and Lodowick Muggleton. We can't discount any alternative theories until they actually start belching fire.

*** One obvious way to go about that would be to explore how the inescapable suffering and death of the apocalypse is really just a concentrated version of the unknown-but-very-limited amount of time that each of us has before also encountering inescapable death. After all, every man, woman, beast, bird, fish and plant on earth is going to die, just probably not during the same seven-year span. That's not something our premillennial dispensationalist authors are interested in exploring, though, since the whole point of believing the PMD nonsense is to be able to reassure yourself that you're never going to die -- that you will escape death by being "raptured." (How that experience is any different, for the rapturee, from meeting your maker in the twinkling of an eye courtesy of a gunshot or railway accident is unclear, but this is something PMDs have trained themselves not to think about.)

In any case, The Meaning of Life in the Face of Death might be fertile thematic ground for a real novel, but it won't do for a Christian Brand novel, which must always be about How to Live Like a Good Christian.**** For a character living during the exceptional Great Tribulation, the matter of How to Live Like a Good Christian is likely to be incomparably different from what it means for a reader who is not. That makes the theme of these books, almost by definition, irrelevant to the lives of the people reading them.

**** The fact that these are perceived to be unrelated themes tells you everything you need to know about Christian Brand novels.

Comments

[Rusty Shackleford]

That "wire coat hangers" line gets a hearty lulz!

[MikhailBorg]

"Though she may be parted," the Lord might have added, "there is still a chance that she may see."

That's what I love about Fred. I can read a line, have a free association go off in my head, and find that same association in Fred's next sentence. Excellent.

[Chris]

"But in the hands of LaHaye and Jenkins, this becomes a story of people who are not like us in a world that is not like ours, overseen by a god that is not like God."

I love it when somebody who knows how to write puts a sentence together that captures my thoughts exactly. Brilliant.

[Richard Hershberger]

'That "wire coat hangers" line gets a hearty lulz!'

That was good, but the line that made me laugh was:

"He just prefers to look at the seven bowls of divine wrath as half-full. (Or I suppose, in this case, half-empty would be the more optimistic view.)"

[mmack]

It's the End of the World

And Buck feels fine!

[Tonio]

we see him now getting a feeling in his gut that he interprets as "the Lord ... speaking directly to his spirit." How can he be sure this is, indeed, the voice of the Holy Spirit and not, rather, "an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of an underdone potato"?

Remember the "Cheers" season opener where Diane, after jilting Frazier and boozing it up across Europe, was recovering in a convent? After Sam asks her to return to Cheers, Diane asks for a sign and then Sam comes back with an urgent need to visit the bathroom.

[mmack]

"From the depths of his soul Rayford wanted to be more productive ... to bring more people to Christ."

"A-B-C. A-Always, B-Be, C-Closing. Always be closing, always be closing."

[mmack]

"Though she may be parted," the Lord might have added, "there is still a chance that she may see."

Yes, but will there be an answer?

[PurpleGirl]

otherwise innocuous = Hello; How long have you been a reporter/pilot; Bye, etc.

[Vermic]

So I guess the intended message for proselytizers is: keep at it, no matter how spectacularly you've convinced yourself that you've failed! Don't trust your own judgement, you're doing great!

And I'm not sure how to feel about this message. Because on the one hand, I do agree that confidence and persistence are good things. We all experience self-doubt, and sometimes you need to push through that and keep going. But on the other hand, there are times when self-doubt really is justified, when you're just plain barking up the wrong tree, and it's helpful to be able to realize that. In that light, I find something sinister about any advice that encourages the listener to ignore any and all doubts, no matter how deeply felt.

I mean, sure, in the book Rayford's clumsy speechifying works on Buck, but that's only because it's an Idiot Book with idiot characters. In the real world, the Rayford approach wouldn't work on any reasonable person; his doubts about his effectiveness would be absolutely right, and he'd do well to heed them.

[Dude]

L.B. Fridays appearing during my lunch hour = :)

[Abelardus]

I'm glad this got posted before I had to work; a nice piece to mull over whilst I'm sacking groceries, this.

[Tonio]

While visiting a family I know, I experienced cognitive dissonance when I saw both the Left Behind and Harry Potter series on their bookshelf.

[damnedyankee]

How can he be sure this is, indeed, the voice of the Holy Spirit and not, rather, "an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of an underdone potato"?

As it turns out, Rayford was once the co-pilot of the man who taught him everything he needed to know about being a sociopathic, egocentric control freak.

His name, of course, was Jacob Marley. He is, of course, as dead as a coffin nail.

Any Right Behinders want to pick up on this one? I know it's a bit out of season and all...

[Froborr]

"From the depths of his soul Rayford wanted to be more productive ... to bring more people to Christ."

As an anthropological experiment, I went to a Pentacostalist revival-style almost-megachurch (large but not monstrous, rock band on the stage, PowerPoint, daycare center, but not *quite* up to the God's One-Stop Shop for All Your Isolating-Yourself-from-the-Heathen Needs level) a few months ago. They sent me mail for weeks afterwards, and I still get one now and then, inviting me to Bowling So You Don't Have to Bowl With Heathens, Singles Night So You Don't Have to Mingle With Heathens, Bible Discussion So You Don't Have to Exchange Ideas With Heathens, and so on.

My roomies and I took to calling the letters Jesuspam. It was only a matter of time before the church -- excuse me, I mean "Christian Life Center" -- was dubbed "Spammers for Christ."

[Richard Hershberger]

"After Sam asks her to return to Cheers, Diane asks for a sign and then Sam comes back with an urgent need to visit the bathroom."

Then there was the time that Sam was looking for a sign, and too the presence of a Bible in the drawer in his hotel room as just what he was looking for.

[ddt]

"Christian Brand" would be a great name for the manly hero of an apocalyptic action novel!

[Praline]

Any joy in it? Well, probably a bit: the joy of righteous satisfaction in being on the right side while all those sinners get to feel so, so stupid about the nasty remarks they've been making.

I'm thinking of Anne Bronte's 'A Word To The Elect' - full version here: http://www.tentmaker.org/biographies/anne-bronte.htm. In part:

You may rejoice to think yourselves secure;
You may be grateful for the gift divine -
That grace unsought, which made your black hearts pure,
And fits your earth-born souls in Heaven to shine.

But... wherefore should you love your God the more,
Because to you alone his smiles are given;
Because he chose to pass the many o'er,
And only bring the favoured few to Heaven?...

Say, does your heart expand to all mankind?
And, would you ever to your neighbor do -
The weak, the strong, the enlightened, and the blind -
As you would have your neighbor do to you?

And, when you, looking on your fellow-men,
Behold them doomed to endless misery,
How can you talk of joy and rapture then? -
May God withhold such cruel joy from me!

Rayford and his merry men, I fear, would answer 'yes' to all that. I think we're looking at some pretty earth-bound souls with these characters...

[Dude]

"A-B-C. A-Always, B-Be, C-Closing. Always be closing, always be closing."

YES!!!!!

[Chuck]

damnedyankee: I shouldn't think a door nail would be the deadest piece of iron-mongery in the trade. Why not "dead as a door knob"? Or a door knocker?

[Blackadder]

Dead as a coffin nail?

[Praline]

I have the vague notion that a door-nail is particularly dead because once it's hammered through the wood, a carpenter knocks the protruding end with a hammer so it bends flush to the wood. That means it's less likely to spike someone, but it also means you can't re-use the nail should you decide to get rid of the door, because it's no longer straight. Hence, a door-nail is a dead nail because there's nothing useful you can do with it except sell it for scrap metal.

Either I read that somewhere, saw it on a documentary, or made it up out of nowhere. I'm really not sure which.

[Abelardus]

Makes sense just the same.

[John Stein]

Fred, I am thoroughly convinced that you have a great comic novel in you, along the lines of Trillin's sendup of Time/Newsweek in Floater, or Westlake's take on the tabloids in Trust Me On This. All you need is the plot arc -- you definitely have the humorous writing chops!

[Barry]

Fred: "...since the whole point of believing the PMD nonsense is to be able to reassure yourself that you're never going to die -- that you will escape death by being "raptured." (How that experience is any different, for the rapturee, from meeting your maker in the twinkling of an eye courtesy of a gunshot or railway accident is unclear, but this is something PMDs have trained themselves not to think about.)"

How does it differ? Lack of faith. The PMD theory is that they, alone of all of the countless millions and billiions of people who have died, won't.

I saw an inscription on a monument "...He faced death as a Christian...".

The whole point of the Rapture is to not face death.

[histrogeek]

I always like Gideon's bizzare tendency to flip out whenever God gives him what he frigging demands.
Gideon: "Give me a sign God."
God (or angel): "OK prepare a tasty meal and put it over by the rocks."
Gideon does so. God torches it.
Gideon: "EEEEEEEEEK don't hurt me, don't hurt me!"
God: "Relax dude, I was just showing you a cheap trick."
No wonder God only let him lead a tiny army. God probably figured any more and Gideon would wig out being around angry men with swords.

[Spherical Time]

Right Behind is of course available if people want to try to write that scene and post it. For access, email worldsandtime -at- gmail and I'll get you set up.

[Bugmaster]

We can't discount any alternative theories until they actually start belching fire.

Seriously, dude, what's the deal ? Get with the fire-belching already ! What do we want ? Firebreathing ! When do we want it ? Now !

[Jos]

Any Right Behinders want to pick up on this one?

Well, I have done 'A Christmas Carol'-like stories in the past, but doing one for Left Behind... I don't know, I wouldn't know where to start. Mostly because these characters really are fitting candidates for the Scrooge treatment.

Then again, having Irene as Rayford's Jacob Marley would provide some great opportunities for a few stabs at the death/Rapture difference.

[The Amazing Kim]

While we're here, just wanted to congratulate Praline on her new book. Borrowed it from the library about 12 hours ago, and have just finished it. Most accurate and thorough depiction of PTSD I've ever read. (Though if you could rewrite the ending so they all live happily ever after, my imagination would appreciate it.)
Fantastic post by Fred, again, so it's a redundant phrase, really. And it's almost 5am here, so goodnight everyone.

[Pepper]

The two witnesses in our story might be Moses and Elijah returned to this mortal coil, but they might also be the reincarnations of John Reeve and Lodowick Muggleton.

Or Statler and Waldorf finally snapped.

[Scorpio]

Well, meeting your maker after a gunshot or a railway accident might involve a spot of pain between the event and the meeting.

But putting that aside, and considering the attitudes of those who think they will be ratpured, I can just see a sky full of people shouting "Holy F***! I'm naked!" -- and thus standing before the Living God with hands over pubes, wishing they had banana leaves.

[lou]

The authors follow the conventions of much Christian Brand fiction, presenting their heroes as models of Christian living their readers ought to emulate.

I take it that means these characters show no growth or development, doubts or flaws in the next books? I'm so glad you're reading this for us so we don't have to.

[Tokyo (was Edo)]

Italics begone?

[Tonio]

Then there was the time that Sam was looking for a sign, and too the presence of a Bible in the drawer in his hotel room as just what he was looking for.

Not quite. Sam had sworn to God that he would give up women if the pregnancy test for one of his girlfriends was negative. When it did, Carla repeatedly warned him not to break his promise. When he was about to have an encounter in a hotel room, he was about to put his socks in the drawer when he spotted a Gideon Bible. He and the woman went from hotel to hotel and the same thing kept happening. Frazier was about to ask if he had noticed the same thing while staying at hotels on baseball road trips, only to be interrupted by Carla.

[damnedyankee]

The opening lines of A Christmas Carol:

Marley was dead: to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. The register of his burial was signed by the clergyman, the clerk, the undertaker, and the chief mourner. Scrooge signed it: and Scrooge's name was good upon 'Change, for anything he chose to put his hand to. Old Marley was as dead as a door-nail.
Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade.

[Tonio]

Would someone please post an Amazon link for Praline's book?

I can just see a sky full of people shouting "Holy F***! I'm naked!" -- and thus standing before the Living God with hands over pubes, wishing they had banana leaves.

Especially if they were Raptured during coitus. "When I was screaming 'oh God,' I didn't mean it literally!"

[damnedyankee]

(Though if you could rewrite the ending so they all live happily ever after, my imagination would appreciate it.)

SHUSH! Ixnay! Silencio! Reading it now! SHHHHHHH!

[Chuck]

damnedyankee: I was referring to the Patrick Stewart movie version, where that line becomes an exchange between the undertaker and Scrooge. "Nail, knob or knocker, Jacob's dead."

[damnedyankee]

Fair enough, Chuck. I always liked the line about the coffin-nail, so that's why I threw it out there.

[damnedyankee]

Besides, Blackadder seemed confuzzled by the reference.

[Tyro]

It seems over the past several dozen pages that the authors have become obsessed with the two witnesses and that obsession is outsized compared with how the rest of us would regard it, making that reactions of the characters seem unrealistic.

A few guys got really apocalyptic in Jerusalem and there was an altercation. That seems pretty much what in Jerusalem they call "Wednesday."

Can someone a bit more plugged in to PMD-evangelical culture tell me if the "Two Witnesses" takes on some kind of central, mythic place in their narrative of the last days?

[damnedyankee]

Would someone please post an Amazon link for Praline's book?

It is done.

[damnedyankee]

Unrelated, but good for some Scott head-explodey.

[Dash]

Dude, thank you (I think) for posting the link to the Dani Johnson website, SPIRIT DRIVEN SUCCESS, where it seems we can "Learn Time Tested Biblical Secrets To Create Wealth While Service Others!"

Which phrasing immediately led me to wonder just what business this lady with the great big smirk was actually in. (I was able to eliminate "editing and proofreading" right off the bat.)

(I think "Biblical Secrets to Create Wealth While Service Others" would be a great motto for a business called "the Merry Magdalenes.")

[Dash]

Would someone please post an Amazon link for Praline's book?

I love amazon.com--use them all the time--but don't forget your local independent bookseller. If you buy or order the book from an independent, the proprietor is more likely to remember the sale, order another copy for the shelf (if it's a special order), and/or recommend the book to another reader who might be interested. Nicer to Praline, that way.

Just a gentle suggestion.

[mmack]

Can someone a bit more plugged in to PMD-evangelical culture tell me if the "Two Witnesses" takes on some kind of central, mythic place in their narrative of the last days?

Tyro, these guys are HUGE! They even made it into the mainstream pop culture back in the 1990's. The Spin Doctors even did a song about them:

One Two Phrophets stand before you
(That's what I said now)
Preaching, Jesus will adore you
(Unless you're dead now)
If you believe in the Bible
(That sounds great now)
You're saved from Satan the great rival
(That's what he said now)

This one, he makes an awful racket
(That's what I said now)
Dressed in a tattered Army jacket
(You'll wish you're dead now)
Follow God, he always will implore you
(He won't shut up now)
And you'll get Jesus to adore you!
(You'll eat your hat now)

Believe Eli, believe Moe
Accept Jesus as your God and don't be a schmo
Aint got no future or a family,
But they know what a king and saviour ought to be,
they know what a king and saviour ought to be....

Said, if you want to go meet Jesus
(just go ahead, now)
just drop down, on your little knee-sus
(just go ahead, now)
And if you wanna send him flowers
(just go ahead, now)
And if you'd like to pray for hours
(just go ahead, now)

Said, One Two Phrophets stand before you
(That's what I said now)
Preaching, Jesus will adore you
(Unless you're dead now)
If you believe in the Bible
(That sounds great now)
You're saved from Satan the great rival
(That's what he said now)

Said, if you want to call Him baby
(just go ahead, now)
And if you'd like to tell Him maybe
(just go ahead, now)
If you wanna buy Him flowers
(just go ahead, now)
And if you'd like to pray for hours
(just go ahead, now)
And if you want to call Him baby
(just go ahead, now)
And if you'd like to tell Him maybe
(just go ahead, now)
If you'd like buy Him flowers
(just go ahead, now)
And if you'd like to pray for hours
(just go ahead, now)

Said, if you want to call Him baby

(just go ahead, now)

And if you'd like to tell Him maybe

(just go ahead, now)

If you wanna buy Him flowers

(just go ahead, now)

And if you'd like to pray for hours

(just go ahead, now)

Ohh baby

(just go ahead now)

Ohh my sweet Lord

(just go ahead now)

Of course, I might have mis-heard the lyrics.

[Chan]

Dash, you made me laugh. Thank you.

[Tonio]

Merry Magdalenes

Good name for a situation comedy set in a 19th-century asylum for fallen women, from the creators of "Hogan's Heroes."