L.B.: The Imaginary Liberal

Left Behind, pp. 413-415

One of the reasons I consider the Left Behind series to be the World's Worst Books is that they achieve the precise opposite of what their authors intend.

The authors sought to provide an illustration that would persuade readers of the truth of the coming events supposedly prophesied in their premillennial dispensationalist interpretation of the Bible. But their best efforts to portray such events occurring in a "real world" fictional setting have instead served only to illustrate the implausibility and impossibility of those events actually happening in a world that is anything like the one we live in. The only way they are able to conceive of and present a scenario in which such events might occur is to have everyone in their story behave irrationally, inhumanly and inexplicably. The books thus disprove what the authors set out to prove. They illustrate powerfully that the event of PMD prophecies are impossible in the real world. Every page of these books provides evidence that such events could never occur without sweeping fundamental changes in nature and human nature (and in our understanding, such as it is, of the nature of God). These events are not merely supernatural, they are unnatural or even anti-natural. They are impossible.

In the previous post, we explored the possibility that the authors might, on some level, realize this. More than that, really. The authors must, on some level, realize this. And that has to be terrifying. Appreciate how high the stakes are for them here. They have placed themselves into the unenviable position of having everything they believe -- about God, the Bible, the meaning of life and their place in the universe -- rest upon six impossible things happening before breakfast. Thus when forced to choose between believing in those impossible things and believing in the real world as it presents itself to us all, well, to paraphrase the people of Krikkit, the real world'll have to go.

Rejecting the real world in favor of the impossible reality of PMD prophecy can't be easy, even for Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins. The real world, after all, is where they pick up their mail and do their shopping. They must be at least dimly aware of its stubborn refusal to cease to exist despite its incompatibility with their idiosyncratic interpretation of scripture.

Trying to get inside the authors' heads to understand how they cope with this stubborn persistence of reality has proved a bit grammatically taxing, forcing me to rely on unwieldy constructs like "chosen to pretend to believe" in an attempt to convey the willful self-deception that it seems they must be employing. The subject of that self-deception in the previous post was the nature and function of the United Nations. Today we'll examine how that same willfully self-deceptive ignorance shapes their understanding of something much closer to home -- their understanding of people like me and, quite possibly, of people like you as well. The authors have chosen to pretend to believe some very unpleasant and demonstrably untrue things about people like us.

We left off as Buck and his Chicago-office colleagues were watching a CNN report on Nicolae Carpathia's faux-reluctant acceptance of the role of global dictator:

"There is no guarantee, of course, that even member nations will unanimously go along with the move to destroy 90 percent of their military strength and turn over the remaining 10 percent to the U.N. But several ambassadors expressed their confidence 'in equipping and arming an international peacekeeping body with a thoroughgoing pacifist and committed disarmament activist as its head.'"

A "thoroughgoing pacifist" could never accept the leadership of an armed peacekeeping body. That's what "pacifist" means. We could, I suppose, imagine some kind of pacifist army of peacekeepers, something like Christian Peacemaker Teams writ large. They could be sent into areas of conflict to march, unarmed, between the guns of opposing forces, where they would likely get mowed down like Jeremy Irons at the end of The Mission, thus achieving a moral victory that would compel the aggressors to rethink their use of violence. Or something. But that's clearly not what Carpathia has in mind, since his scheme starts with him acquiring an effective global monopoly on military force.

The idea here is so confused that it's confusing. If everyone is already disarmed, what's the point of a peacekeeping force? And where, exactly, is there room on First Avenue to park all of those tanks and fighter jets? (As for the latter question, readers should recognize that one of the authors' unstated misapprehensions about the United Nations is that it has a standing army of its own -- an army equipped, trained and employed by the U.N. itself. I'm not sure whether they conceive of this as an all-volunteer force composed of expatriates from throughout the world or whether they imagine it to be staffed by conscripts drafted from among the citizens of U.N.-istan, but I've already given this idea more thought than they ever have, so let's try not to explore this particular absurdity further for now.)

The authors -- and thus the CNN reporter, Buck and all the others watching -- also don't seem to realize what this means. They seem to think that Carpathia's tithe of the world's weaponry, and the destruction of the rest, would be merely some kind of tax or tribute and not, in fact, the effective surrender and dissolution of every nation that agreed to it. The monopoly on the use of military force is part of the definition of a state. To surrender that to some other entity is to surrender statehood itself. Agreeing to Carpathia's scheme would involve not just a reduction, but the abandonment of sovereignty. The authors here portray every nation on earth as willing and eager to do this, with only the slightest reservation. That's not just far-fetched, it's impossible. It describes a world that is completely unrecognizable.

Not even Carpathia himself is portrayed here as recognizing that he has just been given the keys and pink slips to every nation on the planet:

The CNN anchor continued, "Among other developments today, there are rumors of the organization of groups ..."

This isn't intended as a parody of CNN's shabby journalism. The CNN report here is simply an expository device and it's thus supposed to be a realistic presentation of the sort of thing one might actually hear a news anchor say. In a novel with a journalist-protagonist readers deserve something better than a headline or lead-in such as "Rumors of the organization of groups." Anyway ...

The CNN anchor continued, "Among other developments today, there are rumors of the organization of groups espousing one world government. Carpathia was asked if he aspired to a position of leadership in such an organization."

Just to clarify, "such an organization" there does not refer to its grammatical antecedent -- "groups espousing one world government" -- but to the OWG itself. So Carpathia, who has just been named head of the United Nations, which has just been reconfigured as one world government, is being asked here if he "aspired" to lead one world government. So Nicolae, now that you're global sovereign, world caesar and commander-in-chief of planet earth, do you also "aspire" to become international prime minister?

Carpathia looked directly into the network pool camera and with moist eyes and thick voice said, "I am overwhelmed to have been asked to serve as secretary-general of the United Nations. I aspire to nothing else. While the idea of one world government resonates deep within me, I can say only that there are many more qualified candidates to lead such a venture. It would be my privilege to serve in any way I am asked, and while I do not see myself in the leadership role, I will commit the resources of the United Nations to such an effort, if asked."

Of course he aspires to nothing else. There's nothing else left to aspire to. The authors intend Carpathia's moist and thick response to come across as a humble alternative to a "Today, Berlin ... tomorrow, the world!" statement, but what it really amounts to is something more like "Today, the world! and tomorrow ... well, 'the world' about covers it already, I guess. So tomorrow just more of the same."

For no apparent reason other than the End Times Checklist, Carpathia's conditions for his reluctant acceptance of global dictatorship also included a peace treaty with Israel:

"Also coming out of today's meetings was the announcement of a seven-year pact between U.N. members and Israel, guaranteeing its borders and promising peace. In exchange, Israel will allow the U.N. to selectively franchise the use of the fertilizer formula, developed by Nobel prizewinner Dr. Chaim Rosenzweig, which makes desert sands tillable and has made Israel a top exporter."

When peace in the Middle East is presented as an afterthought, then you know the U.N. has had a very busy morning. This achievement would have seemed more impressive, though, if we hadn't already been informed that Israel had achieved peace with all of its neighbors and secure, guaranteed borders before the events of this book even took place. Here again is LB's description of Israel's status, from a flashback set a year before The Event, on Page 8:

The prosperity brought about by the miracle formula changed the course of history for Israel. Flush with cash and resources, Israel made peace with her neighbors. Free trade and liberal passage allowed all who loved the nation to have access to it.

Buck's account of the harmless nuclear assault on Israel also lists the West Bank cities of Jericho and Bethlehem as part of that nation. So an expanded Israel is already at peace with its neighbors. The checkpoints and occupations are a thing of the past, and now the entire world will be voluntarily and completely disarming. So it's not really clear why Israel needs a new peace treaty or, for that matter, how Israel could enter into a treaty with "U.N. members" when it is, itself, a member nation of the U.N. As such, of course, Israel is also among the nations that has just agreed to hand over its arms to Nicolae, making this treaty something akin to a treaty between Caesar and Rome. But whether it makes any sense or not, it's in the checklist, so it has to happen.

(We covered the odd notion of prosperity-through-agriculture way back -- see "Weird Science" -- but let me just note here that making sand "tillable" isn't really that impressive. A bit of a nitpick, I suppose, but a helpful reminder to young writers that the thesaurus is not always your friend.)

So now we've got one world army, without objection. And One World Government, without objection

Have I also mentioned that Carpathia's conditions include one world religion?

A reporter asked Carpathia if that included plans for one world religion. ... His response: "I can think of little, more encouraging than the religions of the world finally cooperating. Some of the worst examples of discord and infighting have been between groups whose overall mission is love among people. Every devotee of pure religion should welcome this potential. The day of hatred is past. Lovers of humankind are uniting."

Again, the authors imagine and portray this as occurring with no objection -- Sunni and Shia, Hindu and Buddhist, Sunni and Buddhist, Shia and Hindu, all embracing in one moist and thick global group hug. The authors don't portray this as something difficult that must, somehow, be achieved in order for their prophecy to be fulfilled. They portray this as something their prophecy says must occur, and thus as something that will happen unremarkably and almost instantly. The problem here is not merely that of an unconvincing portrayal of the transition from Point A to Point B, but of the off-handed juxtaposition of Point A and anti-matter Point A.

Oh, and language.

There will also be one world language.

This idea is also enthusiastically embraced without the slightest opposition or concern for the vast and impossible logistics involved. Which language will survive and which 6,799 or so will be criminalized and euthanized? Don't worry about such trivial details. Who could possibly concern themselves with such questions?

So OK then, here are Buck Williams and his colleagues, sitting in the offices of the dear disintegrated Lucinda Williams. They have just learned that their country has effectively been disbanded/subsumed into the OWG, that their religion or lack thereof will need to be brought into line with an as-yet-undescribed new global belief system, and that their magazine may soon need to be produced exclusively in French or Urdu or, for all they know, Romanian.

How do you suppose they receive this news?

They're thrilled. Ecstatic. This is exactly what they've been waiting for all of their lives.

Smooth, Buck thought, his mind reeling. As commentators and [former?] world leaders endorsed one world currency, one language, and even the largesse of Carpathia expressing his support for the rebuilding of the temple in Israel, the staff of Global Weekly's Chicago bureau seemed in a mood to party. "This is the first time in years I've felt optimistic about society," one reporter said.

Another added, "This has to be the first time I've smiled since the disappearances. We're supposed to be objective and cynical, but how can you not like this? It'll take years to effect all this stuff, but someday, somewhere down the line, we're going to see world peace. No more weapons, no more wars, no more border disputes or bigotry based on language or religion. Whew! Who'd have believed it would come to this?"

Please note here what does not happen in this newsroom full of reporters. No one jumps up, scurrying back to their desks to get as much of this into print as possible before their next edition goes to press. They should be scrambling to the phones, shouting like Cary Grant in His Girl Friday, "Tear out the whole front page! ... The whole front page, never mind the Chinese earthquake! ... What? Leave the rooster story alone. That's human interest." But of course they're not because this is Global Weekly: "We won't tell anyone."

The reaction here to Carpathia's announcement is mystifying. Faced with the surrender of country, conscience and culture everyone is "in a mood to party." The Panzers are rolling into Warsaw and the people are responding like it's V-E Day. And it's not just here in the GW offices that this madness occurs. This is how the entire country and the entire world receives this news.

It's flabbergastingly unreal. Unimaginable. Impossible. (I'm using that word a lot today.) But it makes perfect sense if you understand LaHaye & Jenkins' concept of the Imaginary Liberal.

Forget what you know about actual liberals (including, of course, what you know about yourself if you should happen to be a liberal). There are no actual liberals in this book, only Imaginary Liberals. In the authors' view, this is also true of the world.

It's possible that you're reading this with some relief because you do not consider yourself a liberal. If so, I should clarify. Are you a Real True Christian of the sort that you can be confident that you would be Rapture-qualified and not among those left behind? If not, then you're a liberal. And by that I mean that you are, to the authors, an Imaginary Liberal. These are the only two categories that exist.

And if apart from the RTCs the world is populated by Imaginary Liberals, then this passage is a model of objective realism. This is exactly how a world of Imaginary Liberals would respond to an announcement like this.

Imaginary Liberals are awful people. They hate America and they hate God.

Even the ones who claim to believe in some other non-RTC religion hate the RTC God specifically, they've just pretended to latch onto that other religion, which they know isn't real, as a convenient vehicle for expressing that hatred. Thus the abolition of all religion, seeing it subsumed it into one ill-defined, featureless global porridge is exactly what they're hoping for. (Carpathia spoke of "cooperation" among religions, but the authors know that, for Imaginary Liberals, that's really just a code word for the annihilation of all individuality and its absorption into a collectivist whole.)

Even the ones who claim to love some other country really just hate America, specifically, and they've just pretended to latch onto that other nationalism, which they know isn't real, as a convenient vehicle for expressing that hatred too. Thus the abolition of all nations -- including the delicious elimination of America itself -- is also exactly what they're hoping for.

Awful, awful people those Imaginary Liberals.

And the authors think you're one of them. Those ridiculous reporters swooning and gushing over Carpathia's moist and thick tyranny are the authors' stand-ins for you and me. This is how they imagine we would respond if we heard just such an announcement. This is what they imagine we want to see happen. The authors don't realize that the Imaginary Liberal is imaginary. They think they're real and they're everywhere.

This is obviously a bit more troubling than some of the authors' other delusional beliefs. Tim LaHaye's delirious fantasies about the form and function of the United Nations may have some influence over his politics and the political beliefs of his 50 million or so readers/followers, but those beliefs are directly shaped by this idea of the Imaginary Liberal.

Believing in the Imaginary Liberal, like believing in anything else that is demonstrably unreal, requires a great deal of effort. That effort, again, can never be wholly unconscious. Some part of the self must always be vigilantly attempting to explain why the abundant evidence against that belief doesn't matter while also attempting to explain why the utter lack of evidence for that belief doesn't matter. Thus, again, the lie must constantly be reinforced or reconstructed. And thus, again, this active effort to persuade oneself inevitably persists as a nagging reminder that oneself still needs persuading.

Which brings us back to the tortured grammar of trying to convey this multi-layered self-deception: The Imaginary Liberal is something in which the authors have "chosen to pretend to believe." That's not quite the same thing as actually believing, mind you, but it's close enough for them to not-quite-comfortably convince themselves that this passage provides an accurate portrayal of Nicolae's rise to power and the enthusiastic reception they have chosen to pretend to believe it would receive.

Comments

[aunursa]

These events are not merely supernatural, they are unnatural or even anti-natural. They are impossible. In the previous post, we explored the possibility that the authors might, on some level, realize this. More than that, really. The authors must, on some level, realize this.

I disagree. The authors don't realize how awful their books are. Everyone tells them they're great and they earn millions in profit. I have seen no indication that the authors have even the slightest clue how impossible these events are.

[aunursa]

Also coming out of today's meetings was the announcement of a seven-year pact between U.N. members and Israel, guaranteeing its borders and promising peace.

As I noted in the last thread, this guarantee would seem ominous to all countries not spelled I-S-R-A-E-L. And ominous to Israel as well. (Remember, the Israelis don't realize that they're in an End-Times novel and thus they believe that the world will continue far beyond seven years.)

[Elmo]

They must be at least dimly aware of its stubborn refusal to cease to exist despite its incompatibility with their idiosyncratic interpretation of scripture.

This is perhaps the most succinct description of the entire Fundamentalist crowd I have ever encountered. I stand in awe. Or rather sit -- for it has knocked me off my feet.

[Geds]

As commentators and [former?] world leaders endorsed one world currency, one language, and even the largesse of Carpathia expressing his support for the rebuilding of the temple in Israel

I like that you pointed out the stupidity of having "world leaders" in this passage, but you totally missed something.

Why the hell would Nicky Himalaya be creating one world religion, then rebuilding the temple? It makes no sense. I mean, outside of the checklist...

Those ridiculous reporters swooning and gushing over Carpathia's moist and thick tyranny are the authors' stand-ins for you and me.

Hee hee...

[David Dark]

Fred,

You are doing such good with this.

Color me always amazed,
jdd

[Tonio]

Fred, how about publishing a Peterson Field Guide to Imaginary Humans in Left Behind? Along with the Imaginary Liberal, you would have the Imaginary Abortionist who secretly wants more unwanted pregnancies to stay in business.

"Some part of the self must always be vigilantly attempting to explain why the abundant evidence against that belief doesn't matter while also attempting to explain why the utter lack of evidence for that belief doesn't matter. Thus, again, the lie must constantly be reinforced or reconstructed."

Maybe they're on the board of the Institute for Creation Research? I think the motto is something like "When Carbon Dating Gives You the Answer You Don't Want".

[Benj]

Unifying the world's governments, religions, and languages all before lunch?

God, in the words of Eddie Izzard, Nicky Atlas (I quite like that one and apologize if somone's already used it) must get up very early in the morning. I can't even get around to the gym!

I can only imagine the most inoffensive choices for the language and religion would be Unitarian Universalism and Esperanto. Speaking as a liberal, I can only congratulate L&H for their sharp insight into my end goal: going to church only to have my goodness affirmed in a constructed language.

It's the world I dream of.

[Josh D]

Ooops. Sorry, that was me above.

[Stephen Frug]

When peace in the Middle East is presented as an afterthought, then you know the U.N. has had a very busy morning. This achievement would have seemed more impressive, though, if we hadn't already been informed that Israel had achieved peace with all of its neighbors and secure, guaranteed borders before the events of this book even took place.

I suppose if you wanted to be generous (and hadn't, say, read any entries in this wonderful ongoing series), you could see the latter as making sense of the former: that is, how could Middle East peace be so easily achieved that it is a mere afterthought? Why, if it had already been achieved, of course. "a seven-year pact between U.N. members and Israel, guaranteeing its borders and promising peace" is pretty easy to achieve if you've already got "Israel [having] made peace with her neighbors". You know, the pact is just working out some minor details. Or something.

...God I love this series.

It was at the "one language" point that I burst out laughing, though. Of all the impossible things to believe, that seemed most impossible (if that makes sense)...

[Froborr]

Maybe they're on the board of the Institute for Creation Research? I think the motto is something like "When Carbon Dating Gives You the Answer You Don't Want".

Am I the only one whose mind immediately jumped to "Carbon Date-Rape?"

[Randy Owens]

Which language will survive and which 6,799 or so will be criminalized and euthanized?

Why, English, of course. It makes for simpler story-telling, after all. And I think it's obvious that the authors were already in waaay over their heads.

[Keith]

...and that their magazine may soon need to be produced exclusively in French or Urdu or, for all they know, Romanian.

Esperanto.

Though since we've thrown out logic and plausibility why not shoot for the moon and make the universal language be Klingon? I hear you haven't heard Hamlet until you've heard it in the original Klingon.

[Cowboy Diva]

this makes me want to swear.
Face it, at the time of the writing of John's Apocalypse there was already in place a one-world government with its own currency, language and state religion. And it occupied Israel, putting paid to the whole treaty-with-the-Jews thing.
It was called Rome, IIRC.
Whyever do the RTCs feel it necessary to reinvent the wheel, when it's already pretty clear what the Apocalypse was referring to?

[rm]

I think they sincerely believe in this totally ridiculous vision. I don't think they are pretending to believe.

Which is scary. If one is committed enough to a delusional belief system, one can find confirming "evidence" everywhere. Any deviation from the Good Old USA of the 1950s, the imaginary social order in which Peace, Prosperity, and Progress ruled (and patriarchy, poverty, and white supremacy were just natural occurrences, nothing to worry about) . . . any deviation from that is ATHEIST COMMUNISM FROM THE DEVIL. Just look at how everything has changed since the Good Old Days! So, support is easy to find.

These folks "listen" to Obama, and what they hear is Nicolae Mountainrange coming to TAKE YOUR GUNS and OUTLAW THE BIBLE and ABOLISH AMERICA. They Want America Back. They have stopped up their ears,, and they can't actually listen to what any real, existing people outside their bubble are saying. More confirming evidence for their vision.

There are a bunch of homeschool curricula that call themselves "worldview based" which teach kids to interpret all world events through a prism like this.

My point, if I have one, is that it's possible to be sincere in this nonsense. I go to church with some people who sincerely think this way. I don't know what to do about that.

[Vermic]

Also, guaranteeing the safety of Israel is a redundant gesture because nobody has any weapons anyway. Assuming Israel even has enemies anymore, what are they supposed to use, man, harsh language?

[Jeff Weskamp]

"So it's not really clear why Israel needs a new peace treaty..."

Don't forget that Israel also survived a full-out nuclear assault unscathed, and when the Russian and Ethiopian armies attempted to invade Israel, they were destroyed by the Visible and Undeniable Wrath Of God. I believe it would be a loooooooong time before any other nation even looked cross-eyed at Israel! So they definitely wouldn't need a peace treaty.

"Thus when forced to choose between believing in those impossible things and believing in the real world as it presents itself to us all, well, to paraphrase the people of Krikkit, the real world'll have to go."

This is the thinking behind Young Earth Creationism. Sure, every piece of scientific evidence supports an earth that is billions of years old. Sure, every year there's more evidence for evolution. But we feel those facts contradict the literal Word of God, therefore they cannot be true!

Most creationists invoke the theory that all wackadoodles invoke whenever Reality rears its ugly head: the Conspiracy Theory. According to creationists like Kent Hovind, there's tons of evidence that the Earth is 6,000 years old and that all living things spontaneously appeared 6,000 years ago. However, a world-wide conspiracy composed of atheistic, God-hating scientists has hidden all this evidence from the public. And all the evidence in favor of evolution and an Old Earth have been fabricated by the same conspiracy.

You know what the most terrifying thing is about the Conspiracy Theory? In the minds of the irrational, it magically converts the lack of evidence into evidence! There's no visible evidence whatsoever of certain beliefs, but the only reason there's no evidence is because it's all been hidden by the Conspiracy!

"Some of the worst examples of discord and infighting have been between groups whose overall mission is love among people." -- Nicolae Carpathia

And the reason this has been so is simple: for religious believers like LaHaye and Jenkins, there CANNOT be harmony and concord between people of differing religious beliefs. To accept a person who is not of your religion is to accept the validity of that other religion! And that is synonymous with rejecting your own religion.

"Even the ones who claim to believe in some other non-RTC religion hate the RTC God specifically, they've just pretended to latch onto that other religion, which they know isn't real, as a convenient vehicle for expressing that hatred."

And therefore every non-RTC in the world is simply a disguised enemy of Real True Christianity.

I've personally come across this type of Through- The-Looking-Glass non-logic. I've talked with some folks who honestly believe that nobody is actually gay; they're just having sex with people of the same gender to offend God. They don't really enjoy it, they just want to shock and disgust the RTCs (and score brownie-points with Satan, of course). And all the gays who insist that they are indeed attracted to their own gender are simply lying about it!

I have a question: is there a way to have an argument with someone who believes this sort of nonsense? Really, I'd like to know. Whenever I try, I always get absolutely nowhere. In fact, they usually end up invoking the Conspiracy Theory.

[Tonio]

The authors don't realize how awful their books are. Everyone tells them they're great and they earn millions in profit. I have seen no indication that the authors have even the slightest clue how impossible these events are.

I imagine LaHaye as Norma Desmond and Jenkins as Joe Gillis, with just enough ambiguity in the script and acting to whet the appetites of slashfic mongers. But who would be Max von Mayerling?

[Jon]

Given that it's a world full of Imaginary Liberals, I should think the one language would be some sort of completely Politically Correct form of English.

[aunursa]

Well the Bible was translated into Klingon. How long until Left Behind is?

[Benj]

Who am I kidding?

The one language would be Newspeak

I bellyfeel that Nicky Adirondack's crimethink plan is doubleplusgood.

I gotta go. The Two Minutes Hate is about to start.

[MikhailBorg]

I think that a Real Klingon, upon attempting to read the books to translate them, would simply abandon the attempt and slay the authors for their foolishness.

[Zyzzyva]

Anursa: As I noted in the last thread, this guarantee would seem ominous to all countries not spelled I-S-R-A-E-L.

When I heard that, the first thing I thought was this:

"In other news today, the representatives of the Republic of Israel, the Kingdom of Israel,the Republic of Israel, the People's Republic of Israel,the Democratic Republic of Israel, the People's Democratic Republic of Israel, the Republic of Israel, the United States of Israel, the Republic of Israel, the United Kingdom of Israel, Israel, Israel and Northern Israel, the Republic of Israel, the Republic of Israel, the Great Socialist People's Israeli Jamahiriya, the Republic of Israel (Brazzaville), and the Republic of Israel (Kinshasa) continued to insist that the simultaneous renaming of their countries is simply a coincidence..."

[Richard Hershberger]

Geds:

"Why the hell would Nicky Himalaya be creating one world religion, then rebuilding the temple? It makes no sense. I mean, outside of the checklist..."

It makes perfect sense, if the one world religion is pre-70 AD Judaism. I look forward to the resumption of blood sacrifices.

[Zyzzyva]

Oops. That should clearly be the Democratic Republic of Israel (Kinshasa).

[Tokyo (was Edo)]

Esperanto? Klingon?

Nonsense.

As befits the Antichrist, the entire world will be forced to speak in LOLcat.

[Doctor Science]

Count me in the column with those who don't think LH&J are aware, on any level, of how impossible the things they right about are.

The real world, after all, is where they pick up their mail and do their shopping

No, it's not. They don't pick up their own mail, a RTC secretary hands it to them. They don't do their own shopping, a RTC wife or assistant does it for them. If they *do* shop, it's in places with comforting fish displayed in the window. They live, as much as possible, in a hermetically sealed world, and when they *do* encounter people who aren't RTCs those people are either (a) spear-carriers, redshirts, maids, or other people who don't deserve to have speaking roles, or (b) Enemies.

[Tonio]

No, a Real Klingon would simply translate LB into a sequel to Aktuh and Maylota.

[Tokyo (was Edo)]

Also, "moist and thick" is getting the meme wrong. It's supposed to be "delicious and moist."

Appy polly loggies for posting twice in succession.

[Richard Hershberger]

'...there are rumors of the organization of groups espousing one world government. Carpathia was asked if he aspired to a position of leadership in such an organization."

'Just to clarify, "such an organization" there does not refer to its grammatical antecedent -- "groups espousing one world government" -- but to the OWG itself.'

In fairness, this isn't quite so bad. English is quite free about antecedents, and context matters. It isn't a great sentence. Using the word "organization" twice to mean two slightly different things is not good writing. But there isn't any real grammatical problem, and there is ample context to make the intended meaning clear.

Excuse me now. I've just defended (sort of) the quality of writing. I need to go wash my hands.

[Abelardus]

Doublethink? What Fred describes sounds a lot like doublethink to me.

[Randy Owens]

Jeff Weskamp: I have a question: is there a way to have an argument with someone who believes this sort of nonsense? Really, I'd like to know. Whenever I try, I always get absolutely nowhere. In fact, they usually end up invoking the Conspiracy Theory.

No.

This has been another edition of Simple Answers to Simple Questions. (tm) Atrios

[Geds]

I look forward to the resumption of blood sacrifices.

Can we insert some Aztec human sacrifice in to it and send L&J in first?

[McJulie]

I'm not sure to what extent this aspect of the books is the result of belief in the "imaginary liberal" and to what extent it's simply spectacularly, mind-bogglingly, flabbergastingly LAZY WRITING.

One reason I couldn't even make it through this book on a lark is because it read exactly like somebody's notes for a book. Not even a first draft -- this is the thing that precedes a first draft, where a few key scenes might be fleshed out, but most of the book is still "this happens... then this happens... then this other thing happens."

Real writers eventually put some thought into how, exactly, all those things happen. They spend some time thinking about how people would react, and what the consequences would be, some sometimes working in an event crucial to the plot requires a gigantic lump of backstory for it even to make sense, etc.

L&J have no time or interest in that sort of thing. Hence, things happen because they're in the plot outline, with no internally logical reason.

Of course, what this tells us is that L&J were much more interested in, say, how Chloe and Buck get together, than they were in how, exactly, the Antichrist manages to get the world to disarm and unite under one religion and one government.

[aunursa]

Zyzzyva: touché

[cminus]

The authors -- and thus the CNN reporter, Buck and all the others watching -- also don't seem to realize what this means [...:] the effective surrender and dissolution of every nation that agreed to it. [...] The authors here portray every nation on earth as willing and eager to do this, with only the slightest reservation. That's not just far-fetched, it's impossible. It describes a world that is completely unrecognizable.

I think the authors may well recognize what this means; Nicky Bungle Bungles has just turned the U.N. from a one-world government into a ONE-WORLD GOVERNMENT. I think they may choose to believe (and maybe even really believe) that only the presence of Real True Christians keeps the U.S. from being utterly subservient to the U.N., and only the fact that the U.S. isn't yet utterly subservient to the U.N. keeps the U.N. from going into capslock mode -- all the rest of the world, in convenient-but-stirring alphabetical order, is already ruled from the U.N. building. Once the RTCs are gone, the Imaginary Liberals will have total control of the country, and they've just been waiting for the right minute to betray the very existence of the U.S. (Which they now totally control, so they're actually betraying themselves. Those Imaginary Liberals will stop at nothing!)

[Spherical Time]

I am proud to be a real liberal, but I'm certainly not an American one.

This is the problem that I had when trying to read these books.

[Lucia]

Niclolae Catpathia: I can has ur wepunz? kthxbye

[Nate]

Wait, hang on. So, the RTC God protected Israel from nuclear attack and invasion...

And then left (almost) everybody who lived there to just hang out through the seven years of blood and stuff.

What kind of sense does that even make?

[daniel]

OH HAI I'M IN YR GUVERMITTS, PWNING YR LANGUAGES. LAWL.

[Keith]

Whyever do the RTCs feel it necessary to reinvent the wheel, when it's already pretty clear what the Apocalypse was referring to?

Because to admit that John the Revelator was talking about Nero and Rome would be to admit that the Bible is nothing more than a quaint historical document with some pretty passages and an awful lot of stuff that is waaaaaay past its sell-by date. This would lead inexorably to interpretation, heathanism and the bottomless pit of literary criticism.

And if you go there, you'd have to weigh the merits of the Bible, not as a supernaturally ordained revelation, but relative to other ancient-world poetry. And in such a contest, how could they hope to match wits with Homer?

[peep]

They have placed themselves into the unenviable position of having everything they believe -- about God, the Bible, the meaning of life and their place in the universe -- rest upon six impossible things happening before breakfast. Thus when forced to choose between believing in those impossible things and believing in the real world as it presents itself to us all, well, to paraphrase the people of Krikkit, the real world'll have to go.

Oddly this reminded me of one of my favorite books, Valis by Philip Dick. The key difference between Dick and Lahaye/Jenkins is that Dick is completely aware of the impossible paradox of his situation.

[Vermic]

They live, as much as possible, in a hermetically sealed world, and when they *do* encounter people who aren't RTCs those people are either (a) spear-carriers, redshirts, maids, or other people who don't deserve to have speaking roles, or (b) Enemies.

The continued existence of Conservapedia is a perfect example of this phenomenon. These people rely on their own narrow pipelines of information (or misinformation) provided by others like themselves in order to continue believing the things they need to believe.

Incidentally, in honor of today's LB topic, I looked up the Conservapedia article on the UN, and the first paragraph is a masterpiece of up-its-own-ass awesomeness. In a single breath, it 1) condemns the UN as useless; but 2) condemns Bill Clinton for ignoring it; yet 3) praises George W. Bush for ignoring it and going after Saddam Hussein, whose horrid crime was ... ignoring the UN.

I mean, wow.

[hapax]

Hello. My name is Imaginary Liberal Montoya. You killed my father. Cool! Here are the keys to the gun cabinet!

I think "Imaginary Liberals" would be an excellent band name.

[cminus]

Tokyo, Lucia:

Heh.

"IM IN UR 760 UNITED NAYSHUNS PLAZA, UNIFYING UR RELGIONS"

[Geds]

What kind of sense does that even make?

I think, one of these days, we're all going to read one of these entries and collectively realize, "There's no answer to that question. Let's just stop asking it."

Fortunately, today is not that day. Thereby...

And then left (almost) everybody who lived there to just hang out through the seven years of blood and stuff.

See, the Jews need to be "cleansed" before they, too, can know the joy of being eternally lobotomized. Jeebus never actually withdrew the covenant from them, he just put a new, Gentile-friendly covenant in place that the Jews could choose if they wanted. Since they were the Chosen People, however, they could continue to live under the old covenant until Jeebus came back and they said, "Oh, wait, I get it now. How'd we miss that for the last two thousand years?"

But the Jews we all know and love really aren't doing what they're supposed to (which we know because some of them eat bacon and others are trying to push god out of the public sphere), so they need to be cleansed before god can re-accept them.

And, um, that's not conjecture or a joke. I've heard that argument many, many times.

[Anna]

As befits the Antichrist, the entire world will be forced to speak in LOLcat.

Israel: Fertilizers. We has them.
Russia: *launches missiles*
Israel: We can has missile defense?
Ceiling Cat: LOLNOOBS. PWND.

...

Ceiling Cat: INVISIBLE CHRISTIANS! NOW WITH BETTER INVISIBILITY!
World: NOOOOO! They be stealin our babiez!

...

Buck: Investigative reporting - ur doing it wrong.
Rayford: My thoughts on yaoi prophecy, let me show you them.
Nicky C: I'm in ur U.N., homogenizin' ur cultures! All your base are belong to me! Make your time!

[aunursa]

Wait, hang on. So, the RTC God protected Israel from nuclear attack and invasion... And then left (almost) everybody who lived there to just hang out through the seven years of blood and stuff. What kind of sense does that even make?

You just don't get it, Nate. The purpose of allowing the blood and destruction is to get their attention.

[insert cookoo sound here]

[Fraser]

I have no trouble believing the authors believe. Like some of the posters above, I've argued with people who have no trouble believing that everyone who doesn't accept their faith/politics is by definition, Bad. There's no room for alternative worldviews, only rejection of the truth; it's the same logic by which Soviets in fifties/sixties fiction are never shown as loving Russia, they simply Hate America.

A truly stupid section. I could swallow some of Nickie's past stunts as the work of mind-control ("You want to hear me recite the names of all UN member nations!") but this requires zapping every government (and apparently most of the people on Earth), which would require something on the order of a Cosmic Cube. So I have to concede Nicky's success relies entirely on Idiot Plotness.

[Keith]

Oddly this reminded me of one of my favorite books, Valis by Philip Dick. The key difference between Dick and Lahaye/Jenkins is that Dick is completely aware of the impossible paradox of his situation.

Valis is a perfect analogy, peep.

Philip K. Dick basically invented the opposite of Occam's razor: All things being equal, the least plausible and most astonishing answer is probably the one that, wile not true, I'm going to believe in anyway because it satisfies my need for Cosmic Order of a Byzantine complexity.