L.B.: Geheimkode

Left Behind, pp. 431-435

Buck spent Saturday holed up in the otherwise empty Chicago bureau office, getting a head start on his article on the theory behind the disappearances. His mind continually swirled, forcing him to think about Carpathia and what he would say in that piece about how the man seemed to be a perfect parallel to biblical prophecy. Fortunately, he could wait on writing that until after the big day on Monday.

Reading Left Behind can be a bit like those picture-puzzles from Highlights magazine, the ones where you're supposed to circle everything that's wrong. Let's try that with the paragraph above.

We'll circle "otherwise empty," since Global Weekly's production schedule couldn't possibly allow for everyone to have a 9-to-5, M-F work schedule. (I suppose many of them could have Saturdays off if GW goes to print on Fridays, but that can't be the case since we know the executive editor just spent all of Friday hanging out with Bruce Barnes.) "Getting a head start" gets circled, since The Event is now 12 days past, and Buck's what-happened? follow-up is already hopelessly late. Ditto for "he could wait on writing that." Circling "continually" as unnecessary is probably nit-picking, though there's definitely something off about a sentence in which our hero's own mind forces him to think. I'd also circle "big day" as Buck's chosen term for his meeting the following Monday rather than for the much bigger big day of two Mondays ago that he's supposedly sitting there writing about.

I'm still probably missing something there, but I've covered the page with too much red crayon to find anything more.

It's been an astonishing 14 pages since the last phone call, so you can guess what comes next:

Around lunchtime, Buck reached Steve Plank at the Plaza Hotel in New York.

The conversation that follows is a reprise of the previous phone call between these two (see "Super Powers"). This time, however, they switch to speaking in code halfway through.

First, though, they have to deal with the Hattie Question, and I'm actually going to try to defend this exchange as an almost plausible bit of dialogue:

"I'll be there Monday morning," he said, "but I'm not inviting Hattie Durham."

"Why not? It's a small request, friend-to-friend."

"You to me?"

"Nick to you."

Buck is in an awkward spot here. He can't just tell Steve, "Look, I've changed my mind about helping those two get together because I just found out that he's the spawn of Satan, evil incarnate, the great ten-horned beast of the apocalypse." So instead he just gets snippy and starts acting like it offends his morals to allow two unmarried adults to spend time together with no one there to chaperone except the Security Council and the national press corps.

"So now it's Nick, is it? Well, he and I are not close enough for that familiarity, and I don't provide female companionship even to my friends."

"Not even for me?"

This is good strategy on Steve's part. If your friend becomes inexplicably indignant and starts using words like "familiarity" or "provide female companionship," you could try to point out that no one has suggested anything unseemly or improper, or you could just try to defuse the situation with a joke. Buck's response, however, is not encouraging:

"If I knew you would treat her with respect, Steve, I'd set you up with Hattie."

That "if" there is an unsubtle dig at Steve, who thus reasonably loses his patience with his friend, saying:

"I'll ask her myself, Buck, you prude."

This reading is probably a bit of a stretch. We're probably supposed to view Buck here as legitimately and righteously indignant rather than as flustered into semi-incoherence. The latter would make him more human and thus more appealing, but that's not how the authors tend to think about their heroes.

Either way we read this Buck has managed to tick off his friend, so it takes a bit of chutzpah for him to segue right into asking for a favor. Buck wants another "exclusive" interview with Nicolae:

"You know I'm going to do the complete piece on the guy. He needs this."

"If you watched TV yesterday, you know he doesn't need anything. We need him."

"Do we? Have you run into any schools of thought that link him to end-times events in the Bible?"

Steve Plank did not respond.

How could he respond? That question is almost a perfectly crafted conversation killer. It doesn't allow for a reasonable response.

You can try this yourself sometime. On a train or airplane and don't want to have to make conversation with a chatty seatmate? Just respond to whatever comment they make by asking, "Have you run into any schools of thought that link this to end-times events in the Bible?" Political campaigns are exempt from No-Call-List restrictions, but here is a useful tool for making sure they never phone again. I'd imagine this would also be effective for rebuffing unwanted attention at a bar. (The potential danger to this strategy being the remote but horrifying possibility that someone might respond, "Why, yes! Yes I have run into schools of thought that link this to end-times events in the Bible!" At which point you'd be doubly screwed.)

Steve's silence here, however, is not the shocked and perplexed silence such a question would prompt in real life -- not the semi-panicked pause of a sane person realizing they're dealing with someone in the opposite category. Steve's silence here instead is meant to be ominous and laden with meaning.

"Steve?"

"I'm here."

"Well, have you? Anybody that thinks he might fit the bill for one of the villains of the book of Revelation?"

Steve said nothing.

"Hello, Steve?"

"I'm still here."

"C'mon, old buddy. You're the press secretary. You know all. How's he going to respond if I hit him with that?"

Steve was still silent.

This ominous silence is meant to indicate that Steve knows exactly what Buck is talking about and that he's afraid to answer because Buck's questions are too close to what he knows to be the truth.

So OK then, let's consider how that could be possibly be true.

Buck has spent the better part of the last 72 hours getting a crash course in PMD prophecy theory from Rayford, Chloe and Bruce in turn. They've outlined this interpretation of the book of Revelation and explained to him what they believe it prophesies about a coming Antichrist. Steve hasn't heard any of that, yet here he seems to know everything that Buck does about the end times, the Antichrist and the entire PMD checklist. Where did Steve learn all that?

There seem to be only one place he could have learned it: from Nicolae himself. I'm trying to imagine how that conversation could have gone ...

NC: Welcome, Mr. Plank. Bienvenue. Bienvenido. Wilkomm ...

SP: Just the English is fine here in the office, Mr. Secretary-General.

NC: Please, call me "Nick." Now, your office is down the hall there on the left. Just ask Chaim if you need any supplies. Oh, and there is just one more thing you should know. I am the Antichrist.

SP: I'm sorry, the what?

NC: The Antichrist. The Beast? One of the villains of the book of Revelation? You have not heard of this?

SP: I ... I ... the book of ...?

NC: Ah, I see you will have some catching up to do. Chaim? Please fetch some copies of Tim LaHaye's non-fiction books for our new friend here.

Hmm. My imagined rendition of this conversation hardly seems plausible, but how else could it have gone?

Anyway, back in the novel itself Buck still can't get an answer out of Steve so he tries a slightly different approach:

"Don't do this to me, Steve. I'm not saying that's where I am or that anybody who knows anything or who matters thinks that way. I'm doing the piece on what was behind the disappearances, and you know that takes me into all kinds of religious realms. Nobody anywhere has drawn any parallels here?"

Yes, that's much more tactful. "I'm not saying" your boss is the Great Beast from the Abyss, I'm merely asking how he'd respond if somebody else were to suggest that he is.

This time when Steve said nothing, Buck merely looked at his watch, determined to wait him out. About 20 seconds after a loud silence, Steve spoke softly. "Buck, I have a two-word answer for you. Are you ready?"

"I'm ready."

"Staten Island."

"Are you tellin' me that --?"

"Don't say the name, Buck! You never know who's listening."

"So you're threatening me with --"

"I'm not threatening. I'm warning. Let me say I'm cautioning you."

This is followed by Buck reminding his friend of his reputation as a tough "bird dog" reporter who never backs down from threats or warnings. Steve doesn't contradict him. Nor does he point out that the very example they're discussing -- reporter Eric Miller's suspicious "suicide" leap off the Staten Island Ferry -- is itself one of several stories Buck has helped to bury in just the past week due to his fearful response to threats and warnings.

Here again what is said about a character trumps that character's actual behavior. Thus, for LaHaye & Jenkins, this song --

Brave Sir Robin ran away.
Bravely ran away away.
When danger reared it's ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled.
Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about
And gallantly he chickened out.
Bravely taking to his feet,
He beat a very brave retreat.
Bravest of the braaaave, Sir Robin!

-- should be taken as proof that Brave Sir Robin was, in fact, quite courageous and gallant. This is primarily Very Bad Writing, but I have a theory that it's somehow also related to Very Bad Theology -- specifically to the author's understanding of "faith" as wholly separate from, and irrelevant to, "works."

The dialogue that follows is a delicious font of unintentional humor. Buck attempts to continue questioning Steve by eaking-spay in ode-cay.

Buck began scribbling furiously on a yellow pad. "Fair enough," he said, writing, Carpathia or Stonagal resp. for Eric Miller? "What I want to know is this: If you think I should stay off the ferry, is it because of the guy behind the wheel, or because of the guy who supplies his fuel?"

"The latter," Steve said without hesitation.

Buck circled Stonagal. "Then you don't think the guy behind the wheel is even aware of what the fuel distributor does on his behalf."

"Correct."

"But if he found out about it?"

"He'd deal with it."

"That's what I expect to see soon."

"I can't comment on that."

It's impossible for me to read that without picturing Buck making Dr. Evil air quotes with his fingers when he says things like "fuel distributor." The best part, of course, is that they're worried that Carpathia, Stonagal or Todd-Cothran might be listening in, so they adopt this convoluted way of talking that would only make sense to each other and to Carpathia, Stonagal and Todd-Cothran. Nothing they're saying would be the least bit confusing to any of the people they're trying to conceal their meaning from. This makes as much sense as it would have if the U.S. had replaced our Navajo code-talkers in World War II with people who spoke German.

But while nothing they're saying would confuse the possibly eavesdropping conspirators, it does succeed in confusing Buck.

"Can you tell me who you really work for?"

"I work for who it appears to you I work for."

What in the world did that mean? Carpathia or Stonagal? How could he get Steve to say on a phone from within the Plaza that might be bugged?

"You work for the Romanian businessman?"

"Of course."

Buck nearly kicked himself. That could be either Carpathia or Stonagal. "You do?" he said, hoping for more.

So I pick up the ball, I throw it to first, and who catches it?

"My boss moves mountain, doesn't he?" Steve said.

"He sure does," Buck said, circling Carpathia this time. "You must be pleased with everything going on these days."

"I am."

Buck scribbled, Carpathia. End times. Antichrist? "And you're telling me straight up that the other issue I raised is dangerous but also hogwash."

"Total roll in the muck."

"And I shouldn't even broach the subject with him, in spite of the fact that I'm a writer who covers all the bases and asks the tough questions?"

"If I thought you would consider mentioning it, I could not encourage the interview or the story."

There's the deal: access in exchange for Buck's agreement not to ask certain questions. Buck agrees. He always does. But he's still "a writer who covers all the bases and asks the tough questions." It says so right there in the book, so it must be true.

Comments

[Naked Bunny with a Whip]

Flag on the Moon.

[Spalanzani]

"Well, have you? Anybody that thinks he might fit the bill for one of the villains of the book of Revelation?"

'One of the villians of the Book of Revelation'? Is Revelation a super-hero series now?

[Robb]

Ew! Robb, you really ought to have kept that to yourself.

Sorry, but face it - that's much nicer than milk-via-nostrils.

[The Old Maid]

Kirk and Spock, these guys ain't.

Sad to say, I cracked that code as the movie was playing. It's embarassing to be smarter than Spock. For a good code, Scotty, Kirk, and Not-Kirk were better in "Whom Gods Destroy." (I.e., Kirk got impersonated often enough that he set up passwords made of chess moves. That would have saved a lot of trouble in "Turnabout Intruder," but then we wouldn't have gotten to see a nice scene with Scott and McCoy, and with Chekov and Sulu.)

And now this post isn't tagged to L.B. either. Then again, if it gets moved, it bumps Sensible Shoes off the page, and who wants that?

Those of you who have read the whole series, which ending was your favorite?

I wouldn't say "favorite," but I'll second the vote for "TF" in the Most Memorable department. Cities go boom (off-screen, and in a sentence shorter than this one), Chloe's boyfriend takes 18 months to propose and a week to actually get married, Rayford remarries (to someone we only met about 25 pages ago), and Rayford's co-workers walk up to him and say, "So, I hear your daughter's being stalked. Maybe you should, like, do something!" ... and his response is, "She's almost twenty-one. It's time she was pursued," ... and yes, that is a quote ... because Buck needs some incentive/competition to get moving, and oh how angry Rayford is when he learns that the person "stalking" Chloe isn't actually interested in marrying her! Evelyn asking Charlie why he won't just marry Rose, it is not.

As to Steve Plank, he's destined to get saved later. As early as Volume 2 he starts complaining that Carpathia takes out his frustrations on him and the job isn't fun anymore. This volume is setting up that scene.

[aunursa]

Dorothy: For some reason I felt compelled to follow that link. Here's Time's sales blurb:

To be fair, I don't think it was actually TIME, but a different company that hawks collector's edition cover artwork. It appears (from a cursory glance) that the same description is used to promote the Space Shuttle and (Saudi) King Fahd covers.

[Darkrose]

Or if one of his multiple languages seems, like, reptilian?

I'm confused: does this mean that Harry or Voldemort is the antichrist?

[mike timonin]

Re: navajo code talkers and German - well, you wouldn't have Japanese code talkers in the Pacific theater, because then it wouldn't be code. So, the comparison works here - presumably, since Japan and Germany were allied, there were people in Japan who could speak German, but (head-splodingly stupid) American radiomen could speak in German and pretend they weren't talking in plain-text.

[aunursa]

The Old Maid: As to Steve Plank, he's destined to get saved later.

Everyone is destined to get saved later. We don't read about a single friend or relative of the Trib Force who dies without accepting Jesus at some point in the series. (Relatives who are presumed to die unsaved include Hattie Durham's sister, Leah Rose's husband, and Ming Toy's husband. But there are no descriptions of these characters outside of a few brief mentions, and the surviving women never consider the idea that their loved ones are doomed to eternal torment.)

And besides Rayford, only one other character from the first book gets saved and survives to the 12th book.

[aunursa]

only one other character from the first book

Should be: only one other character introducted in the first book...

[jamoche]

Which is your favorite Chic tract?

The one about Nice Guys(tm).

[LL]

RE The potential danger to this strategy being the remote but horrifying possibility that someone might respond, "Why, yes! Yes I have run into schools of thought that link this to end-times events in the Bible!" At which point you'd be doubly screwed.

No, no, no... then, you just do a Dave Chapelle-like laugh and say, "Aw, man, I was just fuckin' with ya!" and continue to laugh. If they're RTC, they won't talk to you ever again, in fact, they might ask the flight attendant if they can move to another seat. Mission accomplished.

[Eric B.]

My favorite chick tract is the Halloween episode, mainly for the thought of giving them out instead of candy on Halloween. My second favorite is the one bashing Islam, where some white dude and his son are presumably in some Arab country and everyone bows down to pray. His son asks him whats up, and he dismissivly blurts out, "Oh, they're just worshiping their sun God," and is still alive at the end of the tract.

[LL]

RE There seem to be only one place he could have learned it: from Nicolae himself. I'm trying to imagine how that conversation could have gone ...
NC: Welcome, Mr. Plank. Bienvenue. Bienvenido. Wilkomm ...
SP: Just the English is fine here in the office, Mr. Secretary-General.
NC: Please, call me "Nick." Now, your office is down the hall there on the left. Just ask Chaim if you need any supplies. Oh, and there is just one more thing you should know. I am the Antichrist.
SP: I'm sorry, the what?
NC: The Antichrist. The Beast? One of the villains of the book of Revelation? You have not heard of this?
SP: I ... I ... the book of ...?
NC: Ah, I see you will have some catching up to do. Chaim? Please fetch some copies of Tim LaHaye's non-fiction books for our new friend here.

I so wish you would write the book this way. Left Behind would be much more enjoyable as a Monty Python movie.

I continue to wonder how any adult (I'm cutting the children and teenagers a little slack here) could think of this book or its sequels as anything other than a shitty shitty book written by very dumb people.

[yeltar]

histrogeek: Tim LaHaye and at least 60% of his likely readership wouldn't be able to follow the conversation once the Pig Latin got started.

LOL! ROTFLOLA aring-scay T ats-cay!

Robb: ...featured Dennis Quaid speaking 2 lines with a horrible attempt at an English accent, and the rest of the movie in his normal accent.

Oh. And I thought that was Kevin Costner in _Robin Hood_. *snicker*

[Hibryd]

wouldn't say "favorite," but I'll second the vote for "TF" in the Most Memorable department.

Awesome! That's the next book. Let's home Fred's brain doesn't break before we get to LaHaye's/Jenkin's attempts at romantic dialog between "The Captain" and the future Mrs. Steele. (I'm sure she'll find him very sincere.)

Personally, I skipped ahead to Kingdom Come. The thousand years of Heaven on Earth. Where everyone becomes a Jesus-loving zombie -- no romance between anyone any more, even Buck and Chloe are just BFF compared to their love for Jesus.

Actual quote: "It's bizarre," Chloe told Cameron. "I still love and admire and respect you and want to be near you, but it's as if I've been prescribed some medicine that has cured me of any other distracting feelings." "And somehow that doesn't insult me," Cameron said. "Does my feeling the same offend you?" She shook her head. Her mind, like his, must have been on Jesus and whatever He had for them for the rest of time and eternity.

Buck and Chloe also become the parents of 200 children orphaned after their parents got tossed into the pit, and even THEY "loved Buck and Chloe" and talk about Jesus all day.

It's really, REALLY freaking creepy.

So what's the plot? Well, there's one final pre-determined battle, and while everyone's twiddling their thumbs for 1000 years waiting for that, there's still the matter of the unbelievers. Yes, despite the fact that Jesus now has a home address on earth there are an organized underground of resistance fighters. To be fair, some of them argue that the god in charge is clearly not a god worth worshiping. However, their conversions normally go something like this:

Resistance drone: "This god is mean!"
Christian: "No, he's not. He loves you!"
Resistance drone: "Really? Oh, no, I've been living a lie! I'm sorry Jesus!"

Link to a preview: http://www.leftbehind.com/channelbooks.asp?pageid=1320&channelID=227

[aunursa]

Eric B: His son asks him whats up, and he dismissivly blurts out, "Oh, they're just worshiping their sun God," and is still alive at the end of the tract.

The Chick tracts date back decades. I suspect that particular tract was produced before 1989.

[aunursa]

Hibryd: "It's bizarre," Chloe told Cameron. "I still love and admire and respect you and want to be near you, but it's as if I've been prescribed some medicine that has cured me of any other distracting feelings." "And somehow that doesn't insult me," Cameron said. "Does my feeling the same offend you?" She shook her head. Her mind, like his, must have been on Jesus and whatever He had for them for the rest of time and eternity.

Not to be outdone by...

As they laughed and hugged and praised God for each other and for their salvation, Amanda White Steele approached. "Rayford," she said. "Irene."
"Amanda!" Irene said, pulling her close. "Would you believe I prayed for you even after I was raptured?"
"It worked."
"I know it did. And you and Rafe were happy for a time."
"I was so afraid this would be awkward," Rayford said.
"Not at all," Irene said. "I didn't begrudge you a good wife and companionship. I was so thrilled that you both had come to Jesus. You're going to find that He is all that matters now."

[Vermic]

Well, there's one final pre-determined battle

And that is perhaps the biggest slap in the face of all. After 12 books of tragedy and strife and hellfire, ending in the defeat of Satan, the authors then leave us with Rev 20:7 (I think that's the verse they quote) to remind us that it's not over yet, and Satan will be released to cause even MORE trouble. I guess so that God can enjoy the celestial hard-on of kicking his ass all over again?

[arghous]

I know, I know, I'm being a history Nazi (No pun intended).

Wouldn't that be a History Kempeitai instead?

[aunursa]

Vermic: I guess so that God can enjoy the celestial hard-on of kicking his ass all over again?

Bingo!

[Stephen Frug]

There's the deal: access in exchange for Buck's agreement not to ask certain questions. Buck agrees. He always does. But he's still "a writer who covers all the bases and asks the tough questions." It says so right there in the book, so it must be true.

Actually, this sort of sounds like most of our real-life national media: access in exchange for agreement not to ask certain questions. Granted, their bargaining is usually a lot more subtle than this. But the basic deal is there.

So maybe after all it really is fair to call Buck "a writer who covers all the bases and asks the tough questions." That's more or less what they call Tim Russert, after all. Maybe LaHaye & Jenkins are just accurately capturing what those words mean in our culture, with a bit of exaggeration thrown in to make it clear.

[Grumpy]

I'm still probably missing something there, but I've covered the page with too much red crayon to find anything more.

You could circle "he could wait on writing that" a second time, since it wouldn't be unusual for a writer to begin drafting an article while still gathering info. The boilerplate 'graphs, at least. The lede would probably have to wait until after the "big day," assuming the announcement is different from what everybody already knows from "TV yesterday."

Given that such an announcement will be old news by the time Global Weakly goes to press (whenever that is), Buck may as well work on a fresh, original angle. Which he has, by interviewing an airline pilot and the pilot's pastor. Speaking of which, if Buck ever gets around to publishing an article on the Antichrist theory (don't spoil the book for me!), how will he attribute his sources (such as they are) without exposing the incipient Tribulation Force?

"Pastor X, who asked to remain anonymous for fear of incurring the Antichrist's wrath, claims that Secretary General Carpathia is, in fact, the spawn of Satan."

[Ursula L]

Hibryd wrote:

I'm hoping Fred takes some time to eviscerate these books on their "biblical" content.

He's been doing that for years! (If you're new, check the Left Behind archive...)

[hf]

Is the idea that maybe Stoney thinks Nicky Mountaintop is the Anti-Christ, and for whatever reason, wants him to rise to power, but that the Mountaintop himself doesn't have any idea about his cosmic significance?

I think Stonagal supposedly has a violent reaction to anyone making this charge, like he thinks it will hurt the career of the politically invulnerable guy who just announced his plan to create a one-world religion.

[Amaryllis]

wouldn't say "favorite," but I'll second the vote for "TF" in the Most Memorable department.

What I remember about that book: Chicago gets nuked. No one cares.
Buck interviews a rabbi and a cardinal (for the story that he still hasn't written, apparently). The rabbi stiffs him for the cab fare, and the cardinal is drinking at some early hour of the morning.

What I remember about the third book: Earthquakes devastate the world. Buck buys a new SUV. The two events are given equal weight.

And as for endings, I believe it was that third book which ends with Rayford grabbing Nick by the throat, after the earthquake, and screaming at him passionately and sincerely, "You have just experienced the Wrath of the Lamb!"

Oh, there's LOTS of fun ahead.

[Amaryllis]

And my husband just started playing a "Choral Evensong" broadcast on his BBC-over-the-Internet. And I could have sworn I heard the announcer say, "Live from Crystal Cathedral..."

Oh. Bristol.

[Hawker Hurricane]

Code-Talkers refers to any language used as a code. You could use Klingon for code-talking, except there are too many Star Trek Geeks out there...

The U.S. Army used Cherokee and Choctaw in WW1 against the Germans. Before WW2, the Germans sent linguists to America to study 1st Nation languages, without much success. The U.S. Army would make only limited use of Code-Talkers during WW2, with Comanche and (looking this one up) Meskwaki tribesmen.

The U.S. Marines used Navajo in large numbers in the Pacific, and more limited numbers of Basque speakers. The Marines would continue to recruit Navajo for Code-Talking until the 1960's, when everybody started getting the joke.

Yes, I'm a big history geek. Ask me about the Battle of Midway. I dare you.

[Ursula L]

From what I understand, in WWII, the Navajo code talkers weren't just speaking ordinary Navajo. They worked out a code within the language - using Navajo words for a sort of alphabet based on the first letter of the word in English. So the letter "A" might be represented by the Navajo word for apple. Also, since the Navajo language didn't have its own vocabulary for many of the weapons of war, they worked out consistent ways to refer to things using existing Navajo words, rather than borrowing English ones.

The result was a code that was based on Navajo, and easy for native Navajo speakers to learn, but not understandable by Navajo speakers who weren't trained in the code.

[JadarX]

For more Kingdom Come gems, here's one from the synopsis.
Believers who survived the Tribulation never die, but the ravages of time affect them.

So you get old, but you don't die? For a thousand years? How does that work? Do you become decrepit and eventually turn into a pile of 'saved' dust? Or a holy brain in a jar?

[Brad]

"So you get old, but you don't die? For a thousand years? How does that work? Do you become decrepit and eventually turn into a pile of 'saved' dust? Or a holy brain in a jar?"

Perhaps they wither into grasshoppers, as did Tithonus:

Tithonus --A handsome Trojan who was beloved by Eos (who bore him a son, the hero Memnon, king of Ethiopia), to whom he prayed for immortality, which she granted. He neglected to ask for eternal youth as well, and so grew older and older. At last he prayed to Eos again, asking for death, but this she could not grant him, so she changed him into a grasshopper. (From "Grasshoppers in the Bible, Theology, and Mythology"; www.faculty.de.gcsu.edu/~cbader/ghpbible.html)

[Alex Scott]

For some reason, when I read that line, "a writer who covers all the bases and asks the tough questions," my mind always jumps to the "Town Talk" bit in UHF, with Weird Al as the movie's protagonist as a daytime talk show host.

"Sex with furniture. What do you think?"

"Lesbian Nazi hookers, abducted by aliens and forced into weight loss programs. This week, on Town Talk!"

I also can't help but imagine Buck digging into Nicky Ordeals glove compartment. "Aha--ROAD MAPS!"

Or talking to Satan, live on stage, and throwing a glass of water at him.

* That's right, I'm using a fictional mountain. It's from Final Fantasy IV.

[Turcano]

His opinion was that the Jehovah's Witnesses were the One True Religion because they'd never produced a president who'd led us into a war.

Seeing as how the Jehovah's Witnesses haven't produced a president period, you could make the claim that Islam or Hinduism or Wicca or the Church of the SubGenius is the One True Religion, by that logic.

The U.S. Marines used Navajo in large numbers in the Pacific, and more limited numbers of Basque speakers.

Having studied Basque, I'll take you word for it.

[damnedyankee]

"Bob" for President! Like you'd be doing worse!

[Winter]

Actual quote: "It's bizarre," Chloe told Cameron. "I still love and admire and respect you and want to be near you, but it's as if I've been prescribed some medicine that has cured me of any other distracting feelings." "And somehow that doesn't insult me," Cameron said. "Does my feeling the same offend you?" She shook her head. Her mind, like his, must have been on Jesus and whatever He had for them for the rest of time and eternity.

It's good to know that Buck and Meta-Chloe are finally able to come out of the closet and give up their sham heterosexual marriage.

[Matt McIrvin]

The potential danger to this strategy being the remote but horrifying possibility that someone might respond, "Why, yes! Yes I have run into schools of thought that link this to end-times events in the Bible!" At which point you'd be doubly screwed.

From my experience with plane and train conversations, I am not so sure this possibility is remote.

[Kristy]

I am totally in favor of Hinduism OR Wicca OR the Church of the Subgenius (Praise Bob!) OR even the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster offering a candidate for the Presidency.

I mean, our track record for choosing older white male Christians has rendered mixed results at best. Perhaps it's time to shake it up?

[Mabus]

So you get old, but you don't die? For a thousand years? How does that work? Do you become decrepit and eventually turn into a pile of 'saved' dust? Or a holy brain in a jar?

I believe the people in question age, but very slowly. Say, you'd be middle-aged at 500 or so.

His opinion was that the Jehovah's Witnesses were the One True Religion because they'd never produced a president who'd led us into a war.

Ooh ooh! *raises hand* James Garfield never led the country into a war, did he? Not that he had much time to. And, unlike the JWs, we've actually produced one (and only one). On the other hand, we kinda have to share credit with the Disciples of Christ.

[hf]

So you get old, but you don't die? For a thousand years? How does that work?

Sounds like more evidence that sadistic jerks don't stop 'testing you' just because you passed the 'final' test.

[Geds]

Yes, I'm a big history geek. Ask me about the Battle of Midway. I dare you.

With a name like Hawker Hurricane I'd be far more leery of asking about the Battle of Britain...

Then again, I'm a history major with every intention of going back until I have a Ph.D, so there's nothing you can do to scare me...

[german_grammar_sockpuppet]

Just a quick note - 'Geheimkode' at Slacktivist rates the #3 position at google - because in German, it is spelled 'Geheimcode.' German is strange that way - the 'c' and 'k' are not clearly defined, in part because 'c' was targeted by German nationalists, ca. 1870 on - 'c' was too French. Which is why the city which was spelled 'Carlsruhe' by its founder became 'Karlsruhe.'

A lot of 'c's suffered the same fate - however, Latin terms remained somewhat shielded in the language purges. And the purges ended by 1945, at least in West Germany - the East German government continued to make sure that language followed the common socialist good.

Strangely, German has the concept of 'Fremdwörterbuch' or foreign word dictionary. English tends to be a shameless language, incorporating whatever it finds without worrying about the niceties. Including even the idea of having a dictionary of foreign terms. But in Germany, there are German words, which generally follow the rules and require no etymology in general, and foreign words, which are still treated as strangers.

The French people I know from the Alsace, who are generally bilingual but French educated, find the idea of splitting a language into 'normal' and 'foreign' strange. Not that they have a problem with protecting the purity of French essence, mind, but the idea that a dictionary for a language shouldn't represent the language as it is used seems as ludicrous to them as it does to me.

[Andy]

Mabus: Yes, the people during the Millenium age, but very slowly--about a factor of ten slower than normal. (Someone who actually had the fortitude to read the book discussed this in a post last year.) While that is at least preferable to aging at the full rate, it would still have everyone living an entire century in their eighties, then another entire century in their nineties. Unless there are further supernatural fixes, that couldn't be extremely pleasant.

(And I also got a kick out of the "reasoning" as to why Jehovah's Witnesses are the One True Religion. I had meant to comment on this strange logic, but others beat me to it.)

[sophia8]

Dorothy: For some reason I felt compelled to follow that link. Here's Time's sales blurb:
To be fair, that's not Time magazine's blurb. It's a licensed print that's being sold by an art-print company, and the blurb is obviously boilerplate text.

[sophia8]

Dang! Beaten by Anursa. Teach me to read through all the comments first.

[sophia8]

Eric B: His son asks him whats up, and he dismissivly blurts out, "Oh, they're just worshiping their sun God," and is still alive at the end of the tract.
Jack Chick believes that Islam is worship of the Moon God. In that particular tract(I'm going from memory, can't find it online), the American proves it to an Inam by pointing to the crescent Moon on the Islamic flag; the Inam promptly admits the error of his ways and falls down to Jesus!
Instead of, for instance, pointing to all those witchy five-pointed stars on the US flag....

[Andy]

Sophia: Here is the Chick tract link:

http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0042/0042_01.asp

[Dorothy]

To be fair, I don't think it was actually TIME, but a different company that hawks collector's edition cover artwork
Dang. And now I've burned my breakfast, too.

*wanders off muttering*

[sophia8]

Thanks for that Andy. I remembered it fairly well. This tract is even more ignorant than usual - it features a Muslim wearing the traditional Saudi Arab dress of iqual and thawb, who chortles about how they are well on their way to destabilising and taking over the West through immigration; yet who is it that controls a major part of the world's oil supplies...?

[Fraser]

If I asked about how an event figured into the end times, four people in my seven person office would think that a reasonable question (though they'd be astonished I was asking it).

[Chris]

sophia8: Win, win, win.

Everything I have heard about "Kingdom Come" creeps me out. Everything. Also, the entire plot seems to hinge on the saved preaching to the unsaved. The entire plot.

The fact that some people are rebelling in what is technically *Paradise* should be a hint that LB-God is not a likeable person.

[Amaryllis]

sophia8: Jack Chick believes that Islam is worship of the Moon God.
According to the "Alberto" series, he also believes that Islam was an invention of the Vatican, based on this Moon-God cult, and is still a front for Rome's nefarious designs. Little differences of opinion, such as the Moorish Conquest, the Crusades, the various Battles of Lepanto, apparently being staged for its own amusement?