L.B.: Speakerphone

Left Behind, pp. 435-437

In this little section Bruce Barnes and Rayford are playing the Antichrist Game, trying to reconcile what they know about their prime suspect with the many arcane details they've compiled in their check list. Let me briefly try to explain where such details and such check lists come from.

The Bible is full of warnings not to be deceived by false prophets, false teachers or false leaders of any kind, religious or political. Read through the Bible and you will encounter, again and again, various versions of something like this:

Don't be fooled by false leaders. They deceive people with their lies, so watch out to make sure you're not taken in by them.

In many instances, the writer will use a definite generic instead of the plural, so you'll read something like this:

Don't be fooled by the false leader. He deceives people with his lies, so watch out to make sure you're not taken in by him.

Here's the fun part for prophecy enthusiasts: What if that second version doesn't simply replace the plural with the generic? What if, instead, it actually refers to a specific, actual, singular False Leader?

Let the game begin! Get a highlighter and go through the entire Bible, circling every passage that warns against this false leader. (Read carefully -- he goes by many names.) Next, go back through and write down all the descriptions those warnings provide of this false leader/teacher/prophet -- anything that might serve a clue as to this single person's singular identity. And there you have it, your very own Antichrist checklist.

Your final checklist will likely be a bit confusing. Some warnings seem to be describing the False Leader as an Israelite. Other warnings make it clear that he is a gentile. In the first part of Daniel the False Leader sounds like someone very much like Nebuchadnezzar, but in the later chapters of the book he sounds more like someone very much like Antiochus Epiphanes. Later still, John's Apocalypse makes him sound almost like some kind of Roman emperor. This is where the game gets tricky. We seem to be looking for a Jewish gentile who is part Babylonian, part Syrian, part Roman. Trying to reconcile all of those seemingly contradictory descriptions in one single person isn't easy, but that's how the game is played.

(Note: The descriptive details in your check list may seem so irreconcilably disparate or so closely bound to the various biblical authors' distinct contexts that you may even begin to suspect that these details weren't really all intend to prophesy a single, particular False Leader. But that's just crazy talk. Press on -- your speculation about the identity of the Antichrist might end up being wrong, but you won't be any wronger than everyone else who's ever played this game.)

Bruce and Rayford have an advantage over the rest of us when playing the Antichrist Game: They've got a prime suspect carefully tailored by the authors to match every detail of the check list. Yet despite that, they've still got questions, like why is the Antichrist Romanian? This is the question they seek to answer here in Chapter 24:

After the core-group meeting, Rayford Steele talked privately with Bruce Barnes and was updated on the meeting with Buck. "I can't discuss the private matters," Bruce said ...

Bruce and Buck didn't really talk about any "private matters," so I like to think that he's just saying this to give Rayford a hard time. "Hey you know that 30-something guy who's been seeing your freshman daughter? He and I talked yesterday. I can't discuss the private matters -- nudge, nudge, wink, wink -- but we talked for quite some time."

"I can't discuss the private matters," Bruce said, "but only one thing stands in the way of my being convinced that this Carpathia guy is the Antichrist. I can't make it compute geographically. Almost every end-times writer I respect believes the Antichrist will come out of Western Europe, maybe Greece or Italy or Turkey."

Turkey, traditionally, is not regarded as part of Western Europe, what with it's being in Asia, but if we're going to have any hope of reconciling all of the things in our Antichrist check list then we can't allow ourselves to be constrained by such tired geographic conventions.

Poor Rayford is just trying to keep up. If Bruce says the check list doesn't allow for an Antichristescu, then he'll play along.

Rayford didn't know what to make of that. "You notice Carpathia doesn't look Romanian. Aren't they mostly dark?"

"Yeah. Let me call Mr. Williams. He gave me a number. I wonder how much more he knows about Carpathia." Bruce dialed and put Buck on the speakerphone. "Ray Steele is with me."

"Hey, Captain," Buck said.

Upon reading the word "speakerphone" there I half expected confetti to drop from the ceiling as a Sousa march would begin to play and top-hatted officials would arrive to commemorate this apotheosis of LaHaye & Jenkins' weird fixation with telephony.

"We're just doing some studying here," Bruce said, "and we've hit a snag." He told Buck what they had found and asked for more information.

"Studying" makes it sound like they're translating obscure prophecies from ancient tomes rescued from the library of Alexandria. What they've actually been doing is watching CNN's replay of Nicolae's press conference and comparing his agenda to the Antichrist check list the late Rev. Billings left on his desk before he disapparated. One world government? Check. One world religion? Check. Peace treaty with Israel? Check. Babylonian/Syrian/Roman/Jewish heritage? Hmmm. ...

"Well, he comes from a town, one of the larger university towns, called Cluj, and --"

"Oh, he does? I guess I thought he was from a mountainous region, you know, because of his name."

Following the logic of the dialogue in Left Behind isn't any easier than following the logic of the plot. One bumps into these Python-worthy non-sequiturs at every turn: "Is the town in the mountains?" "No, it's a college town." Huh?

"His name?" Buck repeated, doodling it on his legal pad.

"You know, being named after the Carpathian Mountains and all. Or does that name mean something else over there?"

Buck sat up straight and it hit him! Steve had been trying to tell him he worked for Stonagal and not Carpathia. And of course all the new U.N. delegates would feel beholden to Stonagal because he had introduced them to Carpathia. Maybe Stonagal was the Antichrist! Where had his lineage begun?

The ambiguity of Steve's remark -- "my boss moves mountains" -- sets up what might have been an intriguing mystery. But at this point, 436 pages into a 468-page book, it's a bit late to be introducing a new red herring. The possibility that Stonagal, rather than Carpathia, is our Big Bad is emphatically ruled out a mere 20 pages from now. Jenkins half-heartedly tries over those few pages to milk the question for suspense, but this falls flat since he's already spent so much time establishing that Nicolae is, without a doubt, the Antichrist. Readers thus aren't thinking, "Hey, Buck's right, it could be either one of them," but rather, "Pay attention Buck, you moron, it's Nicolae."

The larger problem with the section I just quoted is that we're in the middle of a Rayford-POV section. The whole point of having Bruce and Buck's conversation on speakerphone was so that Rayford, and the reader, could hear what was being said. Yet we're also somehow able to see what Buck is doodling and to hear his unspoken thoughts. Either Jenkins has completely lost track of which character's perspective he's supposed to be writing or else Rayford has some kind of supernatural mind-reading powers. ... Hey. Maybe that's it. Maybe it's not Carpathia or Stonagal, maybe Rayford is the Antichrist!

"Well," Buck said, trying to concentrate, "maybe he was named after the mountains, but he was born in Cluj and his ancestry, way back, is Roman. That accounts for the blonde hair and blue eyes."

Then again, if this strange-but-apropos Blonde Map of Europe is to be believed, Nicolae's being from Cluj, in northwestern Romania, might also "account" for his hair color.

Bruce thanked him and asked if he would see Buck in church the next day. Rayford thought Buck sounded distracted and noncommittal. "I haven't ruled it out," Buck said.

Following that paragraph is another one of these:

 

 

------------------------------

Indicating a shift back to Buck's perspective for the following section, which begins:

Yes, Buck thought, hanging up. I'll be there all right. He wanted every last bit of input before he went to New York to write a story that could cost him his career and maybe his life. ...

So immediately after reading Rayford's perception of what Buck is thinking we switch perspectives to read what Buck was really thinking and find out that Rayford had it backwards. Again. This was mildly interesting the first time Jenkins did this trick, less so the next four or five times. Here it doesn't work at all because, again, Jenkins got confused and presented Buck's perspective as Rayford's.

If you're a book editor, you should own a copy of Left Behind to take along to your annual performance reviews. Just open to a random page, have your boss read it, and then remind them that this is why you're worth every penny and then some.

Comments

[Jack Grey]

Zed?

[Jack Grey]

Readers thus aren't thinking, "Hey, Buck's right, it could be either one of them," but rather, "Pay attention Buck, you moron, it's Nicolae."

There. That's more like it.

[Tonio]

you may even begin to suspect that these details weren't really all intend to prophesy a single, particular False Leader. But that's just crazy talk.

Certainly, because the people who wrote scripture couldn't have possibly intended to simply warn leaders about the general dangers of false leaders.

Apparently L&J see scripture as the Godly equivalent of an Ouija board.

[Keith]

This reminded me of a scene in Space Balls:

Princess Vespa: I am Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland, King of the Druids.
Lone Starr: Oh great. That's all we needed. A Druish princess.
Barf: Funny, she doesn't look Druish.

The entire Left Behind series is based on bad Vaudeville jokes taken at face value. It all makes sense now!

[Bruce]

Turkey is actually split between Europe and Asia -- the much larger portion east of the Bosphorus and south of the Black Sea is considered part of Asia, and Istanbul and the small peninsula east of the Bosphorus is considered part of Europe. For what that's worth.

Of course, most of the "Biblical" towns contained in Turkey are in the Asia portion, and mostly south-central or south-eastern Asia Minor. So in spirit at least (especially from an end-times perspective), "Turkey" is in Asia. :D )

[Tonio]

"Is the town in the mountains?" "No, it's a college town." Huh?

So that would rule out Nicolae being a Hokie.

[Jos]

"Hey you know that 30-something guy who's been seeing your freshman daughter? He and I talked yesterday. I can't discuss the private matters -- nudge, nudge, wink, wink -- but we talked for quite some time."

Oh, Fred. I know you probably wanted to imply that Bruce and Buck had been talking about Buck's desire to have sex with Rayford's daughter, but you also made it sound like Buck got into Bruce's pants as well.

Buck: The Little Black Dress of Left Behind.

[DanW]

So, wait a minute - this meeting. Isn't this the core group, to which Bucky wasn't invited since he hadn't yet said the magic words? And yet, the moment they hit a snag, their first call is to Bucky, at which point they fill him in on everything they had talked about in the super-secret meeting?

[Tonio]

Maybe L&J regard Turkey as European because it's a member of NATO.

[impatient griselda]

"maybe he was named after the mountains, but he was born in Cluj and his ancestry, way back, is Roman. That accounts for the blonde hair and blue eyes."

I'm trying to figure out a) why a modern Romanian would have to have a last name that reflects his place of birth and b)how blond hair and blue eyes are characteristically Roman.

[rizzo]

"Oh, he does? I guess I thought he was from a mountainous region, you know, because of his name."

Oh yeah, and if my name were Miller or Smith obviously I would be either a miller or a smith. WTF?

[Jim]

We seem to be looking for a Jewish gentile who is part Babylonian, part Syrian, part Roman.

So that explains Tiger Woods. You'd think the anti-Christ would have a better putting game, though.

[Jos]

b)how blond hair and blue eyes are characteristically Roman.

I blame the Nazis for this. Clearly, LH&J looked at Hitler's love for the Aryan Ideal or whatever and his love for classical architecture and decided they must have been related or something.

...

OK, I haven't a clue. I'm still betting some form of laughably deep ignorance is to blame, though.

[chaos_engineer]

He wanted every last bit of input before he went to New York to write a story that could cost him his career and maybe his life.

Let me guess: He never gets around to writing this story, either.

[SueW]

So that explains Tiger Woods.

Who is obviously from a region with dense forests!

[Praline]

I can't make it compute geographically.

So no examining of his morals or effect on the world then? I guess that's not important.

Surely if they're looking at it geographically, there must be a whole bunch of mixed-race men to choose from. Narrow the list down to about half a million suspects, and you should be getting somewhere....

Aren't they mostly dark?

You can just hear the hillbilly accent. Because blond hair obviously never crops up south of Sweden.

I guess I thought he was from a mountainous region, you know, because of his name.

What a coincidence! I thought Ray Steele was a thief. You know, because of his name. And I thought Bruce Barnes made farm outbuildings for a living. I guess meeting a character called 'Buck' who likes to buck the system has got them confused with the whole last name/nickname thing.

Buck sat up straight and it hit him!

For a moment, for one, sweet, beautiful moment, I misread 'it' as 'he'. Alas. Buck is so overdue a good wallop.

[Jim]

So that explains Tiger Woods.

Who is obviously from a region with dense forests!

With large predatory cats living in them!

[Mnemosyne]

I'm trying to figure out a) why a modern Romanian would have to have a last name that reflects his place of birth and b)how blond hair and blue eyes are characteristically Roman

Looking at the Blonde Map that Fred was kind enough to link to, it looks like a Roman blonde is a pretty unlikely occurrence. A Romanian blonde is far, far likelier. So connecting "he's a blond" and "he's a Roman" doesn't make a whole hell of a lot of sense.

It would be really cool if they all became convinced that Nicky was the Antichrist but they were wrong wrong wrong the whole time and the real Antichrist (Bruce Barnes?) came along and smited them. Who on here is writing "Left Behind" fanfic, again?

[vanya]

What I find truly shocking is that Cluj-Napoca actually is a college town! It really does have the largest university in Romania. OK, calling a city of 350,000 a college town might be a little odd - kind of like calling Portland, Oregon a college town, but still, this is fairly impressive geographic specificity for L&J.

Funnily enough though, Cluj actually is located in a mountainous region, so maybe Bruce was on to something.

[aunursa]

Here's the fun part for prophecy enthusiasts: What if that second version doesn't simply replace the plural with the generic? What if, instead, it actually refers to a specific, actual, singular False Leader?

Reminds me of Deuteronomy 18 -- a passage that, along with Deuteronomy 13, provided the Jewish people with a checklist for validating a prophet. Yet many Christians interpret this passage as a specific reference to Jesus; Muslims see Mohammad; and Mormons find Joseph Smith.

Readers thus aren't thinking, "Hey, Buck's right, it could be either one of them," but rather, "Pay attention Buck, you moron, it's Nicolae."

Yeah, I had the same thought when I read this the first time.

[embees]

Contributing nothing to the actual conversation other than: a Tiger Woods lolcat.

[Hellsau]

Maybe L&J regard Turkey as European because it's a member of NATO.

So the U.S. didn't sign the Kyoto Protocols because it would have made us into a prefecture of a Russian city?

This is fun.

[JC]

b)how blond hair and blue eyes are characteristically Roman.

"Blue eyed and blonde haired" are PMD code for "tends to ride a Vespa incredibly recklessly."

[JC]

"is code" rather.

[Froborr]

It would be really cool if they all became convinced that Nicky was the Antichrist but they were wrong wrong wrong the whole time and the real Antichrist (Bruce Barnes?) came along and smited them.

If you want to take the Bible literally (and the rules of the end-time prophecy game say you have to take it literally, except when you don't), there should be a bunch of Antichrists -- 1 John 2:18 (incidentally, four verses in 1 and 2 John are the ONLY places the term is used) refers to "many antichrists".

[Jim]

What I find truly shocking is that Cluj-Napoca actually is a college town! It really does have the largest university in Romania. OK, calling a city of 350,000 a college town might be a little odd - kind of like calling Portland, Oregon a college town, but still, this is fairly impressive geographic specificity for L&J.

And yet another way for L&J to twit the in-tel-lek-shu-als, by having the anti-Christ come from a college town. They might as well have had him come from Ann Arbor. Their football team got beat by Appalachian State last year. You don't think that means ...

[Vermic]

It would be really cool if they all became convinced that Nicky was the Antichrist but they were wrong wrong wrong the whole time and the real Antichrist (Bruce Barnes?) came along and smited them.

You know, if L&J really did have both the balls, and the commitment to interesting storytelling, to do that, and it turned out the Antichrist was someone besides the obvious candidate for the last 300 pages, then I would seriously be giving them some respect right now. Like, say, we find out the Big Bad is Stonagal, and Nicky really is a genuinely good person who doesn't know his strings are being pulled? And when the heroes confront Nicky, and he realizes his rise to power has all been part of a satanic plot, he resigns his office and goes on the run with the heroes, and the climax of the book is Nicky reciting the Sinner's Prayer and joining the white hats? Man. That'd be awesome. Or, at least, less terrible.

[Tonio]

The Omen has a scene similar to this, where Thorn and Jennings are attempting exegesis on this phrase: "When the Jews return to Zion, and a comet fills the sky, and the holy Roman Empire rises, then you and I must die. From the eternal sea he rises, creating armies on either shore, turning man against his brother, until man exists no more." The story is wrong about this coming from Revelation, but the other aspects of the scene strongly suggest that the story's creators were inventing theology for dramatic effect. Unlike L&J, they had no evangelical agenda, but their scene still sounds much more credible than the one in LB.

[Kristy]

Fred, this new habit of yours of illustrating your points with "duh" maps has gotta stop. My keyboard came dangerously close to being sprayed with hot tea just now.

[pepperjackcandy]

If you want to take the Bible literally (and the rules of the end-time prophecy game say you have to take it literally, except when you don't), there should be a bunch of Antichrists

And then they join into one big Antichrist.

:gasps: The Antichrist is Voltron!

[Vermic]

They used a speakerphone! Finally, my Left Behind Telephone Bingo card is complete!

[MikhailBorg]

:gasps: The Antichrist is Voltron!

"And I'll form - the horns!!"

[Tonio]

So the U.S. didn't sign the Kyoto Protocols because it would have made us into a prefecture of a Russian city?

Maybe LaHaye believes that the Kyoto Protocols is part of the UN one-world-government plot.

[Tonio]

Sorry - "Kyoto Protocols are part..."

[Doctor Science]

Ancient Roman women were famous for their blonde hair. They got it the same way most present-day blondes do: from a bottle.

I've honestly never figured out if men are consciously aware that almost no adult blondes are genetically blonde, and that "acting blonde" means "acting stupid because she thinks she's supposed to, just like she dyes her hair because she thinks she's supposed to."

[longstreet63]

Kyoto is also a Japanese city, not a Russian one.

Which is presumably because the Russians are very, very clever.

Steve "Get thee behind me, Moskva" James

[Tonio]

Like, say, we find out the Big Bad is Stonagal, and Nicky really is a genuinely good person who doesn't know his strings are being pulled?

Part of me hopes that something similar would explain the last seven years in America.

[Fraser]

Voltron. Come to think of it, isn't there this gigantic idol in a later book that comes to life?

Now if Nicolai were a Decepticon, that would be cool.

OT for a second, I just finished Benighted, Praline's book: Well done. Really impressive job thinking out the consequences of the premise.

Also finished "When Time Shall Be No More," the history of American end times belief Fred keeps recommending, and he's spot on the money. I understand a lot of stuff better now, like why Russia is Gog and peacemaking is a Bad Thing.

I still can't understand what Chloe sees in Buck, though.

[Ruby]

Inspired by Fred, I've been reading the Left Behind series, including listening to some of them on books-on-tape during my commute.

And I'm starting to get the feeling that the AntiChrist is Romanian solely so that the narrators can use their Scary Dracula Voice when reading his lines.

[Tonio]

I've honestly never figured out if men are consciously aware that almost no adult blondes are genetically blonde, and that "acting blonde" means "acting stupid because she thinks she's supposed to, just like she dyes her hair because she thinks she's supposed to."

I've known the former for years. I find dark-haired women attractive, particularly Latinas. I've never heard that explanation for the latter - to my knowledge, none of the blondes I know (real or fake) believe they're supposed to act a certain way because of hair color.

[Froborr]

I still have this burning ambition to write the Omni-Apocalypse. You know, the angels show up with the seven seals and get in a fight with the wolves trying to eat the sun while nuclear war triggers Fimbulwinter just as the Hidden Imam returns and Bahamut and Leviathan start fighting, which triggers the intervention of the qilin but it dies of the antiobiotic-resistant super-flu that...

[Doctor Science]

No, Tonio, they believe they're supposed to act and look a certain way and the hair color is part of the look.

On most college campuses, there will be certain sororities where almost all the pledges are blonde. Women don't dye their hair to fit in, they signal their willingness to fit in by dyeing their hair.

[Jeff Weskamp]

In the First Century, the term "Asia" basically denoted the area of modern-day Turkey.

As for Roman woman buying their blonde hair, the Roman epigrammatist Martial wrote a clever little joke about this:

"Lollia says all her blonde hair is genuinely hers,
And I now she's telling the truth.
It is indeed hers....
For I know where she bought it!"

[Chris]

@Doctor Science: you're kidding, right? Where do you get the idea that there are so few adult blondes? Or adult blonds, for that matter. There's no shortage of them in Scandinavia, for one thing.

(Note: I'm Scandinavian, so I'm using the example closest to hand, not just exploiting the cliché.)

[Lauren]

Froborr: That would be awesome.

Is Greece considered part of "Western Europe"? Who drew the lines and where does it run?

- - - - - - -

If you want to take the Bible literally, there should be a bunch of Antichrists

It makes a **LOT** more sense for the Trib Force to be the Anti-Christs and Nicky to be the Good Guy!

[hapax]

I still have this burning ambition to write the Omni-Apocalypse.

You could do worse than start with Livi Michael's CITY OF DOGS. It doesn't have quite all of what you're looking for, but hey, it does have great dogs.

[konrad_arflane]

Re: the Antichrist Checklist:

I recently stumbled on one of Tim LaHaye's more recent books (one of the Babylon Rising series) in a bookstore, and picked it up to look at it. Among the "non-fiction bestsellers" on the "by the same author" list was the following title: "How to study the bible for yourself". That seems like it ought to be a very short book, if the title is to be taken seriously.

[Doctor Science]

Chris --

The *only* places there are no shortage of adult blond(e)s are around the Baltic -- look at the map Fred linked.

In the rest of Europe and in most of the US, an adult blonde is a dyed blonde.

[Kristy]

Chris: isn't blond/blonde hair recessive? So that in an area like Scandinavia, where most of the population is blonde, it'll usually breed true, but it won't often hold up against genes for other hair color. (I know I've just dumbed down genetic theory to an amazingly simplistic level, but in general, that's what I remember being taught.)