L.B.: Chekhov's GIRAT

Left Behind, pp. 454-456

The next few pages are disappointing.

That probably seems like an odd thing to say at this point, about this book. We've spent more than four years so far marveling at the unrelenting awfulness of this wretched excuse for a novel -- a book that starts out by failing on every level yet somehow manages to get progressively worse as we go.

This utter failure is, I have contended all along, instructive. For anyone interested in writing, Left Behind is like one of those grisly films they show in driver's education classes -- offering a graphic illustration of the disasters that can occur from carelessness behind the wheel. On another level the book also illustrates, on nearly every page, the unreality, monstrousness and impossibility of the very ideas it seeks to promote. LB is a work of theological, ethical and political propaganda that becomes its own reductio ad absurdum. It propagandizes against itself, disproving the very ideas it sets out to prove.

After watching this train wreck unfold for more than 450 pages, it might not seem possible that our expectations could rise to a point from which they might be disappointed. But despite everything we've seen so far, we find ourselves here on page 454 with what would seem to be the ingredients of a can't-miss scene. We are in a room. In this room there's a gun and there's a villain who can control the thoughts and perceptions of others. Our hero has, unbeknownst to the villain, figured out a way to shield himself from the villain's mind control. You know what happens next. Anyone with even a passing familiarity with comic books or American movies and television knows what happens next.

Except that's not what happens next. What happens next is that Nicolae Carpathia seems to forget that he's the Antichrist, about to seize global power, and instead starts acting like a cheesy birthday-party magician.

For his next trick, the Great Carpathio will require a volunteer from the audience:

"I would like to present to you all just a bit of an object lesson in leadership, followership, and may I say, chain of command. Mr. Scott M. Otterness, would you approach me, please?" The guard in the corner jerked in surprise and hurried to Carpathia. "One of my leadership techniques is my power of observation, combined with a prodigious memory," Carpathia said.

Here's another lesson in leadership and, er, followership: Talking about your "leadership techniques" isn't a very good leadership technique. Particular when the skills you're patting yourself on the back for don't have much of anything to do with leadership and in any case aren't really techniques. The only way I can imagine an actual human saying that last sentence above without being immediately deposed and mocked by his former followers would be if it were said ironically, in self mockery. A campaign-weary politician praising the "great city of Cleveland," while speaking in Cincinnati, might get away with saying something like that as a joking apology. But just as he never uses contractions, Nicolae never employs irony.

"One of my leadership techniques is my power of observation," Nicolae says, "combined with a prodigious memory." And somehow, here in LB, the people who hear him say this are as impressed by him and he seems to be. This goes on for quite a bit.

"Mr. Otterness here was surprised because we had not been introduced, had we, sir?"

"No, sir, Mr. Carpathia, sir, we had not."

"And yet I knew your name."

The aging guard smiled and nodded.

One half-expects Carpathia to raise one hand with a flourish, like Jon Lovitz's Master Thespian, crying "Leadership!" (followed by this). The impression I get is of That Guy who thinks that reading the waitress' name off her name tag gives him license to send his steak back and tip a lousy 10 percent.

The description here of Otterness raises questions about another of Carpathia's leadership techniques: his utter disregard for security. The man is the president of Romania, newly elevated to the status of supreme leader of the One World Government. He should have an entourage. At the very least, he should be surrounded by a phalanx of dark-suited Romanian secret service agents. Yet all he seems to have by way of personal security is a gullible Jewish botanist.

Otterness, Nicolae, Buck

While we're on the subject, where's Jonathan Stonagal's entourage? Shouldn't the grand imperial wizard of international finance and head of a global conspiracy of evil have some henchmen? Even a guy like Todd-Cothran shouldn't be traveling solo. He's the head of a corrupt London syndicate that's infiltrated the stock exchange and Scotland Yard, you'd think he'd at least have a driver/bodyguard, somebody like Martin Landau in North by Northwest.

Yet all of these alleged members of the jet set seem to travel alone, apparently arriving in New York on commercial flights, then renting cars to drive themselves to the United Nations (although I'm sure they all flew first-class and rented really nice cars). The hallway outside the conference room should be filled with dozens of bodyguards personal, corporate and diplomatic, but instead as the new OWG convenes for the first time, the only security present is one old guy with a hand gun.

"I can also tell you the make and model and caliber of the weapon you carry on your hip. I will not look as you remove it and display it to this group."

Buck watched in horror as Mr. Otterness unsnapped the leather strap holding the huge gun in his holster. He fumbled for it and held it with two hands so everyone but Carpathia, who had averted his eyes, could see it. Stonagal, still red-faced, appeared to be hyperventilating.

"I observed, sir, that you were issued a 38-caliber police special with a four-inch barrel, loaded with high-velocity hollow-point shells."

"You are correct," Otterness said gleefully.

Oooh! Such power of observation, and what a prodigious memory! The man is a born leader.

Superlative emotion is a routine part of LB, with characters almost randomly seeming to be overcome by rage, rapture, joy, depression, etc., but having so many of them in one room paints quite a picture. Buck is in "horror," Stonagal is "red-faced" and "hyperventilating," Otterness is "gleefully" holding a gun and everyone else is smiling "beatifically." A stranger walking into this room would likely think it was a drama class working on some bizarre exercise.

"I observed, sir, that you were issued a 38-caliber police special with a four-inch barrel, loaded with high-velocity hollow-point shells."

"You are correct," Otterness said gleefully.

"May I hold it, please?"

"Certainly, sir."

Aha! Nicolae's ponderous "pick a card, any card" routine was just a ruse, a sneaky ploy to get his hands on the gun. But seeing as how Nicolae has mind-control powers, why would he need to resort to such a trick? For that matter, since Nicolae has mind-control powers, why would he need a gun?

"Thank you. You may return to your post, guarding Mr. William's bag, which contains a tape recorder, a cellular phone, and a computer. Am I correct, Cameron?"

Nicolae has the gun already, so he really doesn't need to be continuing with this Great Carpathio shtick. (And your wallet, Mr. Williams, it contains cash, a driver's license and some credit cards. Am I correct yet again? Leadership!) ... And wait -- did he really just say that the security guard was there to protect Buck's bag?

Buck stared at him, refusing to answer. He heard Stonagal grumble about "some sort of parlor trick." Carpathia continued to look at Buck. Neither spoke. "What is this?" Stonagal whispered. "You're acting like a child."

"I would like to tell you all what you are about to see," Carpathia said, and Buck felt anew the wash of evil in the room. He wanted more than anything to rub the gooseflesh from his arms and run for his life. But he was frozen where he sat. The others seemed transfixed but not troubled, as he and Stonagal were.

That seems to confirm that Stoney is, indeed, immune from the mind-control, or at least that Nicolae isn't trying to use it on him.

Nicolae asks Stonagal to stand:

Stonagal sat staring at him. Carpathia smiled. "Jonathan, you know you can trust me. I love you for all you have meant to me, and I humbly ask you to assist me in this demonstration. I see part of my role as a teacher. You have said that yourself, and you have been my teacher for years."

As we read last week, Stoney's irritation throughout this scene arises from his sense that Nicolae has not been sufficiently fulsome in praising him, that his protege hasn't shown proper gratitude or deference. He's looking to be flattered, and here that flattery is supplied, but he's still not happy. Maybe it's because of that gun Nicolae is holding.

Stonagal stood, wary and rigid.

That's a fine sentence, actually. It's accurate, economical, almost elegant. And to be perfectly fair, it is not the only fine sentence in this 468-page book. There are 11 others. Well, 10 1/2. But three of those are really quite good.

"And now I am going to ask that we switch places."

Stonagal swore. "What is this?" he demanded.

"It will become clear quickly, and I will not need your help anymore."

That's an ominously ambiguous statement. And it's nice to see Jenkins for once resisting his compulsion to ...

To the others, Buck knew, it sounded as if Carpathia meant he would no longer need Stonagal's help for whatever this demonstration was. Just as he had sent the guard back to the corner unarmed, they had to assume he would thank Stonagal and let him return to his seat.

He just can't help himself.

The two men switch places. Since the seating arrangement is important to the logistics of what Jenkins and Nicolae have planned next, we're subjected to a paragraph that reads like someone arranging the head table at a wedding reception:

Stonagal, with a disgusted frown, stepped out and traded places with Carpathia. That put Carpathia to Stonagal's right. On Stonagal's left sat Hattie, and beyond her, Mr. Todd-Cothran.

Got it? Nicky, Stoney, Hattie, T-C. And then the first-runner up to Ambassador from the Great States of Britain, and another dozen or so faceless ambassadors and financiers, with Steve, and Rosenzweig and Buck sitting, you know, over ... here somewhere. Just so we all have a clear mental picture.

"And now I am going to ask you to kneel, Jonathan," Carpathia said, his smile and his light tone having disappeared. To Buck it seemed as if everyone in the room sucked in a breath and held it.

"That I will not do," Stonagal said.

"Yes, you will," Carpathia said quietly. "Do it now."

"No, sir, I will not," Stonagal said. "Have you lost your mind? I will not be humiliated. If you think you have risen to a position over me, you are mistaken."

Carpathia raised the .38, cocked it, and stuck the barrel into Stonagal's right ear. The older man at first jerked away, but Carpathia said, "Move again and you are dead."

And there you have it, the Antichrist's big Show of Strength. Nicolae Carpathia demonstrates that he now has all the power of ... a man with a handgun. Why, he's almost as powerful as Scott M. Otterness himself!

See what I mean by disappointing? This is so utterly not how you write a scene involving a gun and a villain with mind-control.

Here again are the elements Jenkins gave himself to work with here: 1) A loaded gun, 2) a villain with mind-control powers, and 3) a hero the villain thinks is under his spell, but isn't. There are dozens of ways this could play out that could produce genuine tension and suspense, but Jenkins manages to avoid all of them.

The idea of "Chekhov's gun" is well summarized by Peter Case, "a gun in the first act always goes off in the third." Jenkins, unsurprisingly, takes this dramatic principle a bit too literally, as though it applied only to guns and not to Antichrists with mind control or to heroes secretly shielded from it. Anton Chekhov himself was not quite so literal-minded when he described what he meant:

"If you say in the first chapter that there is a rifle hanging on the wall, in the second or third chapter it absolutely must go off. If it's not going to be fired, it shouldn't be hanging there."

If Nicky's mojo isn't going to be fired, then it should't just be left hanging like this. If he thinks somebody needs to get shot, there's no reason for him not to simply mind-whammy the security guard into shooting them. That would seem like the most efficient approach for a villain with mind-control, sparing us all the elaborate "power of observation" business.

That would be a bit inelegant, though, seeing as the guard is a minor, previously unknown character. Better to work the mojo on Stonagal himself, having him walk over and take the gun from Otterness, sticking it into his own ear. Again, if you've ever spent any time reading comics or watching TV, you're familiar with such a scene. A common variation is to have the in-thrall character protesting the whole time, staring at his seemingly alien, Strangelovian hand's betrayal. When done well, this can be fairly creepy and effective.

Those scenarios both would work better than the actual events of this chapter because they account for two of the elements listed above (the loaded gun and the mind-control), while Jenkins' version only accounts for one. But better still would be a scenario that made use of all three elements.

In other words, given this set-up, what really needs to happen is for Nicolae to put the gun in Buck's hand and, mistakenly believing Buck to be in his thrall, order Buck to do the shooting.

But instead, of course, we have the scene as written. The gun eventually gets fired. The Antichrist and Buck are left hanging on the wall, unused.

Comments

[Tehanu]

I think Jon Lovitz was scarier. Much scarier.

[JPL]

Hmm. In the scenario Clark lays out, if you were the GIRAT, what would *you* do?

[Reileen]

It never ceases to amaze me how a novel about the Biblical Rapture/Apocalypse/Rapture/whatever could be so damn boring.

...needs moar sharks with laz0rz.

[sharky]

I still want to see the whole mind-control taken further--like, Carpathia simply orders everyone in the room to tear Stonagal apart.

Plenty of time for Buck to sweat and panic and resist being caught up in the combined mind whammy/frenzy while trying to figure out what to do. And then he joins the edge of the throng and starts waving a discarded shoe while mumbling "watermelon, watermelon."

[bulbul]

There are dozens of ways this could play out that could produce genuine tension and suspense
Is that another Legendary Write-off I see in our future? Or at least a post on Right Behind, please?

[Pepper]

Might I postulate that Nicky's mojo was, in fact, used? Because the poor editor that stamped approval on this had to be under some sort of compulsion.

[sharky]

...what's a Write-off? I sort of want to fanfic my version.

No, NOT just for the "can turn humans into wolves with a snap of his fingers" scene. :p

[SchrodingersDuck]

By a neat coincidence, I was at the Chester Mystery Plays - a re-enactment of traditional Medieval Biblical pageants from the 15th and 16th Century - just last night, and when they got to the Antichrist and Revelations (keeping true to the Bible, the two are separate acts - something many PMDs forget), one thing became painfully clear: even the Medieval playwrights knew how to write a proper Antichristal show of power.

The Antichrist arrives through a blaze of smoke and flame nailed to the cross and claiming to be the second coming, but dressed not in robes but in a garish Ronald MacDonald-esque clown costume, surrounded by news reporters and almost-GIRATs. From the cross, she (the actor who played Christ was a young black man, so to make the difference as clear as possible, the Antichrist was a middle-aged white woman) performs all kinds of trickery and witchcraft, culminating in the resurrection of the dead... as zombies.

Then the angels turn up, bearing flaming swords (the plays use a lot of theatrics - Lucifer is even played by a stage magician), tear the Antichrist's cross down and kill her offstage. It's still not exactly accurate to the Bible (although a darn sight closer than LH&Js take), but it's a whole lot more entertaining. Imagine how good LB could be if Nicky Ican'tthinkofafunnymountainname had an army of zombies at his command, if he actually performed miracles that were more amazing than "This may look like just an ordinary gun, but if pull this perfectly ordinary trigger, a bullet will miraculously fly out of the end of the gun and kill Stonagal. It's magic!".

[Reileen]

"This may look like just an ordinary gun, but if pull this perfectly ordinary trigger, a bullet will miraculously fly out of the end of the gun and kill Stonagal. It's magic!".

"I can use the trigger mechanism of this gun to ignite a small explosive charge, propelling a metal slug into the guard's head."

[Robin Z]

Hmm. In the scenario Clark lays out, if you were the GIRAT, what would *you* do?

I'd shoot the man. Shoot him as if I had no control over my actions, as if I were entirely under Carpathia's control - neither precipitously nor with any visible emotion, just as if I were passing the salt. I'd do it because I couldn't shoot Carpathia for plot reasons, and the story where I attempted resistance would end up being a Bond flick, which this is not should not be. Further, the story where I, as the GIRAT i.e. Buck, shoot a man of my own free will and, uncertain, seek redemption, would be an excellent ancillary plot thread.

[Ursula L]

When it comes to mind-control, L&J have managed to fall short of even their own standards. Nicky should at least have had something as dramatic as the trip-and-fall guys, keeling over dead for no apparent reason.

Reading this, I'm more inclined to think that the conversation with the guard was prearranged, rather than genuine mind-control. Or even just luck. A significant number of police work as part time security guards, for the extra income, so guessing that the security guard would carry a "police special" gun shouldn't be too far-fetched.

For dramatic mind control, perhaps just have Nicky tell Stonegal to stop breathing? And he does stop. Autopsy shows no injury, no swelling of the throat for anaphylaxis, just that he, full conscious, stopped breathing on command, and fully aware, knew just what was happening as he fell over and died, but could not breathe. To be able to use one's will to override the most basic survival instinct, that would be both dramatically powerful and consistent with the idea of ordinary humanity being subverted and destroyed by the antichrist-mojo.

[1982_Cygni]

My feelings about this chapter of LaHaye and Jenkins are as follows:

(1) Have these people never read a Stephen King novel or gone to a secular movie made after 1966 in their lives?

(2) This one's a quote from Bart Simpson:

"You know what would have been scarier than NOTHING? ANYTHING!!"

[Abelardus]

A few days back I visited my local library. I pulled a copy of "Left Behind" from the shelf and, sitting at a desk, I used a pencil to add commentary to the text in the margins. With Fred's series of posts in mind, I suggested that there's no point to Nick's "show of power" since he wipes the audience's collective memory clean afterwards; that Nick's "powers of observation" aren't all that amazing. Among other things.

(I read ahead and added my thoughts to the last pages. Only I had to get to work before I could comment on the fact that Buck should have been fired from the start for not submitting anything to his newspaper. )

In all it was probably a childish pastime. But I felt inspired by Fred to do my part.

[Alex O]

Judging from his astounding power to know what was in the pockets of his audience, the Antichrist is almost as impressive as Mr. Mental from "The Tick." If Buck wants to stop the apocalypse, all he should have to do is pull the choke lever on Carpathia's thinking cap and flood his mind.

You know something's gone awry when the Antichrist himself can't hold a candle to Darth Vader.

If Nicky has such powers of observation, home come he doesn't know that Buck isn't under his own control?

Please tell me that Jenkins is using some type of situation irony here, or some type of symbolism.

[Kashmir]

Me @ 7:32

[SchrodingersDuck]

Jenkins & LeHaye seem to have tragically misunderstood their target audience with this bit. So, the most evil guy in the world is the one carrying a handgun, while the heroes all appear to be weapon-free? Next Nicolae will be joining the NRA and talking about how much he loves his Second Ammendment rights!

These pages could be used as the advertisement for some sort of gun control programme - get guns off our streets, or the Antichrist will take over the world!

Unless of course, LH&J were going for the opposite approach - if only Buck had carried a gun, he could have shot Nicolae in the head, and that would be that. But then, for them not to come out and say "Buck looked with befuddlement and aghastment at the scene unfolding before him. He wished he had brought a gun with him, with which he could shoot Nicolae in the head and bring peace (but not the wrong kind of peace).

Why did he vote for a platform of modest gun control, he thought to himself - all good Christians should be packing heat!" would be completely out of sync with their idea of 'subtlety' displayed so far in the books.

[Mau de Katt]

Once again, lame as the movie indubitably was, it does this scene SOOOO much better. There are several security guards in the room, most of them in secret security-type plain-clothes and all of them young-n-fit (and not Ralph The Aging Bank Security Guard From Stock Casting), and the Antichrist mojo is clearly displayed. Subtly at first, then blatantly... but definitely clearly. This scene definitely gets some "creepy" props, in the movie that is.

Here, starting at about 4:00 in... finishing up here.

[Ursula L]

If Nicky has such powers of observation, home come he doesn't know that Buck isn't under his own control?

Please tell me that Jenkins is using some type of situation irony here, or some type of symbolism.

If L&J had thought about this issue (which I assume they haven't), my guess would be that Nicky's observational skills are not the skills of a human with good observation, but rather some type of special Antichrist-observation-power.

After all, L&J have no observation skills themselves, or they'd have written at least semi-plausible humans, so they can't be seeing good observation as a human trait.

Buck's Magic Words Prayer has protected him from Nicky's Antichrist powers. This would include protection from Nicky's Antichrist-observation power, so Nicky is unable to observe/recognize that Buck is not acting as he should if mind controlled.

Of course, if that was the case, L&J should have taken it farther - Buck denouncing Nicky as the Antichrist, and preaching about Christ, Buck's Magic Words protection leading Nicky to not realize what is happening and unable to stop him, Buck's Magic Words protection leading his words to be heard and understood despite Nicky's mind-control of the others, and at least some of the other people there being converted.

Of course, that would require Buck to have the faith and courage to stand up and speak, despite every appearance of personal danger.

Given that Revelation is all about the persecution of early Christians, having Buck willing to stand, like the mythical early Christian in the arena full of starving lions, and speak the faith in the face of that danger, ought to have happened.

[Reileen]

Random, slightly off-topic: I want to see Nicky Pinatubo faced with the Shinigami from the anime Death Note.

Dude...better yet...let's pit Light Yagami and Misa Amane against Nicolae Carpathia. I wonder if Nicky's immune from the Shinigami Eyes because he's the Antichrist? Or if he's even immune from the power of the Death Note because he's the AC?

[SchrodingersDuck]

@Mau de Katt - reading some of the comments on the Youtube videos of Left Behind are hideously depressing. Some of the 'best' from the trailer:

umm POPEWORSHIPER i can only feel sorry for becus jesus was crucifed and rose again on the third day and if you dont beleve that ur gonna be left behind jus like them

Erm... isn't the crucifixion important to Catholics too?

I just downloaded this movie! If the first scene is any indicator, It is ultra realistic. You see a Wheat field with Swarms of Arab fighters shooting Missiles at KIRK CAMERON!!

Just like real life?

Why do bodies break down? Why do we have lifespans? Where's the logic? Science cannot explain it, but God already has.

Erm... science explains very simply why we age. If anything, it's God who still hasn't answered that question.

youre stupid if all you wher going to do is bang on it then why'd you come here i bet your muslim or hindu or big bang beliver how do you know the bible isnt the word of gao when you dont know about it

I believe in gao too.

i'd rather be left behind, i want nothing to do with g0d, he is a fucker, also jesus

Because on Youtube, even sane people are nutjobs.

[Abelardus]

Reileen, it does my heart good to hear you talk so. Only, what do we do about L? Because ... your post simply breathes of win.

[Spalanzani]

"One of my leadership techniques is my power of observation, combined with a prodigious memory,"

Is this supposed to be the anti-christ talking, or Sherlock Holmes?

[EarBucket]

There's a missed opportunity here that I can't believe the authors didn't think of. In Revelation, the Beast receives a head wound that appears to be fatal, but it's healed and the Beast turns out to be fine. It really surprises me that they didn't use that.

He gives the gun to Buck and orders him to shoot Stonegal, but Buck shocks everyone by shooting Nicolae in the head and escaping in the confusion. Hattie cradles the dying Antichrist in her arms, but just as the story ends, his eyes open in true slasher-movie fashion.

Alternatively, he could really die at the end of the book, lulling the RTCs into complacency, and the sequel could feature his resurrection.

[SchrodingersDuck]

@Earbucket - Nicky does actually die (he's stabbed in the head by Chaim Rozenzweig) in one of the later books, but comes back to life when Satan possesses his body. Believe me, if there's a prophecy, LH&J WILL shoehorn it in, not matter how tenuous the connexion.

Darth Vader could have done it better..."I find your lack of faith in me...disturbing..."

Or how about putting Nicky Mount Pelee up against Carrie White, from Carrie? Nicky tells them: "With my super-Antichristical powers of observation, I can tell that this poor girl doesn't like to have pig's blood splashed all over her prom dress." He then proceeds to do so...and Carrie White does what she does best. Every knife in the vicinity suddenly starts flying at our Romanian friend at the speed of sound.

@Reileen - an even better Death Note-LB crossover could be "Light Yagami - Antichrist". He's a perfect fit - he claims to be ridding the world of evil with supernatural miracles, while secretly manoeuvring himself into positions of power. He has a demonic assistant, manipulates people, and I believe his reign of terror even lasts 7 years (2004 - 2011 in the manga)!

Then we could have the Tribulation Force, headed by GIDAT (Greatest Investigative Detective of All Time) L, elderly, grey-haired Soichiro Yagami, his daughter Sachiko, and the attractive but stupid Misa Amane, who eventually falls to the dark side. The rest writes itself ("For my show of power, I'll take a potato chip... AND EAT IT!")!

[Technomad]

..er, the above was me. Sorry!

[SchrodingersDuck]

And the reply to Reileen was me - Typepad seems to be losing my cookie a lot at the moment.

[Ursula L]

Alternately, for a show of mind-power, Nicky could do nothing at all, just tell everyone how impressed they are, and how powerful he is, and they all react with massive awe and wonder.

Far better than doing something as mundane as shooting someone. It's pretty bad when doing nothing would be more impressive than a show-of-force as written.

[Abelardus]

And what of Kiyomi Takada and Teru Mikami? I can very easily see Teru as the False Prophet -- and maybe Kiyomi can be a far superior stand-in for (slight wretch) Viv Ivins.

I smell a foefic!

[Abelardus]

And pardon the double post, but a thought occurred along the Death Note tangent: Light could hide among the Tribulation Force while pretending to pin the tail on the Antichrist. And all the while ...

[Reileen]

@ Aberladus: Good question. I suppose if we go with SchrodingersDuck's suggestion (which I thought of immediately after I typed my suggestion - seriously, Light could run dodecahedrons around Nicolae in the Antichrist role), L would have to be on the Tribulation Force. And since SD established that Soichiro was GIDAT, I guess that would make L the Rayford Steele character?

And yes, Misa Amane would totally be the Whore of Babylon. (DN fandom seems to have determined this independent of discussing the idea of an LB/DN crossover...)

D'you think we could fit Rem in somehow? And Near and Mello?

[Abelardus]

Well, Near replaces L, and Mello ... what did Mello want? All I remember is that he went into the mafia to best Near. So he is on his own side in Death Note -- and, presumably, in our story. Although he does give Near a tip-off at one point, so ...

No ... Mello as Steve Plank? (Slight wretch.)

And finally, because our discussion justifies it somewhat: "For my show of power I'll take a bite of a chocolate bar and throw it away later because it has served its dramatic purpose, having wasted thousands of dollars already on single-bite chocolate bars." That's what springs to mind when I see Mello do that. I imagine he has a vault somewhere containing all his discarded dramatic effect chocolate.

[jamoche]

shooting Missiles at KIRK CAMERON!!
Just like real life?

If they'd seen too much of "Growing Pains", or Cameron's evangelical video? Oh yeah.

I wonder if Nicky's immune from the Shinigami Eyes because he's the Antichrist?

Depends. If he's really the Antichrist, is his true name something that humans can understand?

[victoria]

"One of my leadership techniques is my power of observation, combined with a prodigious memory,"

As I read that I imagined him saying that with a voice a la Monty Python's
Spanish Inquisition

[Hysterical Woman]

I think this would have been creepy if Carpathia actually was a stage magician. He does this as his act, with all that performers flourish. He takes out a gun, and shots someone in the head, and that person of course dies. Buck, since he is not under the mind-control, is startled, but everyone acts as if this is a magic act. After the person is shot, Carpathia just went onto the next trick, and nobody else but Buck seems to notice there is a dead man on the stage. Is Buck being squeamish about an obvious illusion? Or did the audience see something different than him? Is he going crazy?

[JessicaR]

"The impression I get is of That Guy who thinks that reading the waitress' name off her name tag gives him license to send his steak back and tip a lousy 10 percent."

Which is why I tried to avoid wearing a name tag if at all possible at any jobs I had that required one. It was always used as jockeying for power, complete tools using my first name as a bargaining chip too get what they want or to make me feel small.

Hysterical Woman, that's a very creepy and good idea. Very David Lynchian.

[Jack Bishop]

Reading your description of it, I am reminded of two great moments in cinema whose quality it fails to match, one of which everyone here has mentioned (Darth Vader teaches us how to reprimand a subordinate), and the other of which, I dare to hope, might have inspired this scene: the "ladies' garden society" scene in The Manchurian Candidate, which teaches us how you engineer a murder by mind control.

I went back and watched it again, and the comparison seemed even more apt: Dr. Yen Lo is at least as tedious as Carpathia is in leading up to the murder, but manages to exude menace, which Carpathia can never really hack. Part of it is that he actually has an audience for his grandstanding, and that the audience is properly malevolent, whereas Carpathia's showing off to a bunch of blissed-out idiots he's going to mindwipe anyways. Also, Yen Lo being tedious, dry, and pedantic is actually in-character (well, come to think of it, so is Carpathia's mismanagement of dramatic tension, given the speeches of his we've seen, but I don't think they were supposed to be awful).

[Raksha]

Imagine how good LB could be if Nicky Ican'tthinkofafunnymountainname had an army of zombies at his command,

And if Nicky Rockies made his zombie army do the dance to 'RamaLama (Bang Bang)", I would actually buy this book. In hard back!

[Skyknight]

Abelardus: I get the feeling that Old Scratch Washington really IS performing a show of power—for Buck. While trying to enthrall him, I suspect that Carpathia noticed that it wasn't working, courtesy one divine shield. Perhaps Carpathia's original plan WAS to entrance Stonagal into shooting himself (and Todd-Cothran in the process), but when he found out he had one of God's agents in there, he decided to show Buck just what he could do (make people believe and act as he wanted them to), and possibly plunge Buck into fatalistic despair.

Keep in mind that right after the shooting, Buck all but teleports to his office to write up his article. Only problem is, ALL memory EVERYONE (Bailey, Plank, the U.N. staff, etc.) had of Buck being in attendance at Carpathia convening the new council has been effaced, along with evidence. Trust me, Carpathia knew he couldn't entrance Buck, and why. He's made a show of strength to the divine crew, not merely the world he's merrily manipulating.

[hapax]

Abelardus: A few days back I visited my local library. I pulled a copy of "Left Behind" from the shelf and, sitting at a desk, I used a pencil to add commentary to the text in the margins.

///shudders/// Defacing library property? I don't care if it was LB, Abelardus, that was ten times more EVIL than anything Nicky Uinta pulls off in the series...

P.S. Thank you, Raksha. Dancing zombies are exactly what I needed this Fourth of July!

[hapax]

I get the feeling that Old Scratch Washington really IS performing a show of power—for Buck.

Sheesh. Just a couple of word changes, and the slashfic really does write itself:

"Am I correct, Cameron?"

Buck stared at him, teary-eyed, refusing to answer. Cameron? I asked him to call me Buck... He heard Stonagal grumble about "some sort of cheap, one-night trick." Carpathia continued to look at Buck. Neither spoke.

"Who is this?" Stonagal whispered. "You're acting like a child."

"I would like to tell you all what I want," Carpathia said, and Buck felt anew the wash of need. He wanted more than anything to rub the gooseflesh from his arms and run away from his desires. But he was frozen where he sat. The others seemed transfixed but not troubled, as he and Stonagal were.

Stonagal sat staring at him. Carpathia smiled. "Jonathan, you know you can trust me. I love you for all you have meant to me, and I humbly ask you to assist me in this demonstration. I see part of my role as a teacher. You have said that yourself, and you have been my teacher for years."

Stonagal stood, eager and rigid.

"And now I am going to ask that we switch places."

Stonagal swore. "What is this?" he demanded.

"It will become clear quickly, and I will not be ... beneath you... anymore."

Buck clenched his fist. At last...

"And now I am going to ask you to kneel, Jonathan," Carpathia said, his smile and his light tone having disappeared. To Buck it seemed as if everyone in the room sucked in a breath and held it.

"That I will not do," Stonagal said.

"Yes, you will," Carpathia said quietly. "Do it now."

"No, sir, I will not," Stonagal said. "Have you lost your mind? I will not be humiliated. If you think you have risen to a position over me, you are mistaken."

Oh, gads. Make me stop.

[Kaiser]

Hold on.

Is Scott Otterness our Scott? If so, he's my new favorite character.

[ShifterCat]

I've just recently caught up to the archives here, on the recommendation of a friend. I have to say, having a Christian deconstruction of these awful books is extremely informative for heathens like me. I didn't know, for instance, what a visiting pastor is.

A few people have suggested putting these into book form; I, too, would buy that. The only problem is that some of the blog comments are really interesting (especially the alien abduction suggestions), and those might be difficult to get published.

"Superlative emotion is a routine part of LB, with characters almost randomly seeming to be overcome by rage, rapture, joy, depression, etc..."

The book How Not To Write a Novel calls this "The Hothouse Plant: Wherein a character overreacts to every stimulus".

Several others have suggested Good Omens as an alternate look at the Apocalpyse; I'd like to suggest Therefore Repent! as an alternate look at the Rapture. Here's the review I wrote for Amazon:

"This is a graphic novel that takes the core idea of the Rapture and runs with it in an entirely different direction. Our central characters, Raven and Mummy, live in a world in which a sizeable number of Americans have floated bodily into the sky, leaving behind a lot of confused heathens, overzealous "Split Rapturists", and prime housing to squat in. The unRaptured must deal with talking dogs, awesome but body-altering magics, mysteriously reanimated corpses... and squadrons of angels who've descended to earth with instructions to slaughter the unfaithful.

The art appears to be subtly-shaded pencil drawings, like you might see on the finished pages of someone's sketchbook. I found this style quite appropriate for the authors' intimate, slice-of-life storytelling approach. The writing is an interesting mix of cosmic ideas and earthy humour. The novel's ending suggests that this is Volume 1 -- I can't wait to see what else they do with this story."

[hf]

This is wonderful. But Light can't be the Antichrist. He's fascist, and not in ways that lend themselves to 'OMG librul faskisism'.

[damnedyankee]

A few days back I visited my local library. I pulled a copy of "Left Behind" from the shelf and, sitting at a desk, I used a pencil to add commentary to the text in the margins.

Ummmm, no. Not even in Left Behind or other works of similar craptacularity such as the works of Sylvia Browne or Oh John Ringo No. I've had several pleasant library reads ruined by would-be editors (one of whom decided to add a running commentary in a book of Charles Addams cartoons; I'll find you, you bastard, oh yes...) and cannot condone it under any circumstances.

All appeals will be directed to the Chair Leg of Truth. It does not lie.

After that, all further matters will be taken up by the Chainsaw of Petty Vindictiveness, also a good for hours of laughs.

[Hibryd]

For dramatic mind control, perhaps just have Nicky tell Stonegal to stop breathing? And he does stop.

THAT would be terrifying. A bad guy so powerful he doesn't even need to kill you, because with one word he can make you kill yourself.

That also would have been a more elegant way to off the guy; as it is (spoiler alert) Nicky kills him and then mind-whammies everyone to think he committed suicide. Wouldn't actually making Stonegal end his own life be a stronger "show of force" while avoiding the Mind Power Two Step of reprogramming everyone?

[Raksha]

P.S. Thank you, Raksha. Dancing zombies are exactly what I needed this Fourth of July!

You're welcome! Really, there needs to be a zombie dance for all occasions.

[Salamanda]

"For my show of power, I'll take a potato chip... AND EAT IT!"

Yes, but can you eat JUST ONE?

What happens next is that Nicolae Carpathia seems to forget that he's the Antichrist, about to seize global power, and instead starts acting like a cheesy birthday-party magician.

Oh God. I can totally see Will Arnett as Nicky.