Manuel: Mets 'suspending' pennant race

NEW YORK -- Mets manager Jerry Manuel announced Wednesday night that, due to the urgency and gravity of the financial crisis on Wall Street, the New York Mets will be suspending their pennant race.

"This is just too important," Manuel said. "It's time to put country first."

It's unclear what "suspending" even means in this context, but Manuel hinted that it would likely include not playing the four games remaining on the team's schedule.

Manuel called on the Milwaukee Brewers to join the Mets in suspending their pennant chase as well. The Brewers and Mets are currently tied for the National League Wild Card berth.

Informed that Milwaukee intended to play the remaining games on its schedule, Manuel noted that he was "saddened that the Brewers do not share my ostentatious love and devotion to this great country."

"But," he added, "even if they win out, we'll still be tied in the loss column."

Asked if this wasn't just a crude stunt attempting to stave off a repeat of last season's late-September collapse, Manuel bristled.

"The finanical crisis is very grave," he said. "If swift action is not taken to restore faith in our financial system, then this will begin to affect the daily lives of ordinary Americans. It may become impossible to get a mortgage, or a car loan, or to pay your center fielder $18 million to hit a lousy .280. And do you people realize what it's going to cost us to sign Francisco Rodriguez this winter? Decisive action is needed to restore faith in our financial institutions and our bullpens."

Chicago Cubs manager Lou Piniella, whose team is scheduled to play the Mets tonight at Shea, said he had no intention of suspending the final game of their season series.

"This is the big leagues," Piniella said. "You have to be able to deal with more than one thing at once."

Piniella, whose team has already clinched home-field advantage throughout the playoffs, did agree to send Cubs slugger Alfonso Soriano to Washington to assist congressional leaders in finalizing the details of the bailout agreement.

(Update: Fixed spelling of Lou's name. Didn't fix the unfair shot at Beltran, but yeah, he's actually having a great year.)

Comments

[KnightHawk]

The Cubs want us to hit a .280 AND fix the economy? That sounds a bit unreasonable to me.

Love. Peace. Metallica.

[J]

MMMMMM, that's good SATIRE. There's also this. SFW, this time.

[Doctor Science]

You are a genius, Fred. Though seriously, this whole thing tipped over into full-on farce when I read "It's not based on any particular data point," a Treasury spokeswoman told Forbes.com Tuesday. "We just wanted to choose a really large number."

I expect the Universal Pony Demand to be next.

[Em]

Brilliant! I'm particularly amused that McCain's website not only says absolutely nothing about this "suspension", but continues to solicit volunteers and donations.

[cjmr]

I don't really want any ponies, but I wouldn't mind those 2000 McDonald's Apple Pies (each) that one of the networks was going on about...or maybe 2000 small chocolate milkshakes.

[Myriad]

Can we get those 2000 milkshakes spread out over the course of a year, though? I don't have that much freezer space.

[Jon]

Of course! In fact, those 2,000 milk-shakes will be spread out over 2,000 years just to make sure you get the maximum advantage from them.

[Matt]

Hey Fred! As a longtime Brewers fan, I agree with this proposal. Let's all suspend the race until they agree to kick the Cubs out of the playoffs. Wouldn't the playoffs be better with both the Mets and the Brewers? Don't they have like 174 wins (combined) compared to Chicago's measly 96? I think the solution is obvious.

[Josh]

That's pretty funny, although I feel compelled to defend Beltran, who is having an excellent season. Pick on Pedro if you are looking for an overpaid Met :)

[Rev Dave]

@J: that is harsh, dude*. Harsh, but so awesome. +1.

*Meant, of course, in the most non-gender-specific way possible. You know, like the kids do these days.

[Chuchundra]

As a Mets fan and a Democrat, I'm laughing and crying at the same time.

[Froborr]

I'm... not sure I can drink 5 and a bit milkshakes a day. That seems like a lot.

Also, J, that was pretty funny, but I'm not sure I'd call it SFW. F-bombs are somewhat frowned upon by my stodgy ol' employer.

You know what the worst thing about the $700,000,000,000? It's $700,000,000,000 outstanding at one time. So Paulson could dish out $700,000,000,000 in loans to his buddies, then, once they pay him back, buy $700,000,000,000 in gold-plated hookers and rent them out, then once he hit the break-even point, buy, I dunno, Spain and Denmark.

[aunursa]

I agree. It's absolutely critical that the pennant race continue, come hell or high water. This proposal by the Mets is absolutely ridiculous and irresponsible. A suspension would create havoc and irreperable harm to the integrity of the pennant race. There's no way that the teams could reschedule the games at this late date. In fact, suspending a pennant race, even for a few days, based on a real or potential catastrophic situation, is unprecendented in our nation's history. Right?

[Elmo]

And for all of you who want to get in on the action, you can post whatever worthless junk you have and put whatever price you want on it at:
http://www.buymyshitpile.com/recent_shitpiles

[Peter]

Froborr is right. We should be using this money to buy other, more profitable countries. This way we can offset our balance sheets, and if we get enough profitable countries at a good price, we can even come out in the black! (This is how corporations work, right?) And better yet, if we bought new countries as a government, there'd be no pesky government over us to make sure we didn't waste tons of money and screw millions of people over!

[Indecisive]

This should have been about the Brewers, not the Mets. Yes, both teams flamed out at the end of their most recent attempts to make the playoffs, but Milwaukee's situation (bad September after looking good at the end of August, staring at a recently widening gap behind the Mets after being ahead in the race, having major questions about people running the team, etc.) more closely fits the McCain campaign. With Ned Yost being fired in the closing weeks of a pennant race, all we need is for Rick Davis to quit (over his $15,000/month payments from Freddie Mac for doing nothing but being friends with McCain) and we have a near parallel storyline.

[Vermic]

I'm... not sure I can drink 5 and a bit milkshakes a day. That seems like a lot.

Why do you hate America, Froborr?

[Mr. Spelling Person]

I understand Lou is now refusing to manage tonight's game until the second "i" is restored to his last name.

[Brenda]

Delurking to make the following comment.
"You have to be able to deal with more than one thing at once."

To me, that says it all right there.

Great post, Fred. I love Satire.

Brenda

[hapax]

We should be using this money to buy other, more profitable countries. This way we can offset our balance sheets, and if we get enough profitable countries at a good price, we can even come out in the black!

Wasn't that Halliburton's (er, I mean Cheney's) rationale for invading Iraq?

Or was that more along the "you break it, you bought it" dictum?

[Robb]

As a Mariner Fan by association*, I'm nihilistically delighted at the Mets foolish gamble, meaningless though it may be to "my" team, but the fact that someone will be suffering certain politicalChampionshipal doom brings a ray of schadenfraude to my heart.

*I live in the Seattle area, thus the Mariners are the closest thing I can claim to a connection with professional baseball. That they are doing abysmally is only something I'm aware of due to cow-orkers & local news reports. Safeco Field, however, is a nice place to visit, and has great garlic cheesy fries.

*****

I'm... not sure I can drink 5 and a bit milkshakes a day. That seems like a lot.

Why do you hate America, Froborr?

This comes to mind...

[J]

@J: that is harsh, dude*. Harsh, but so awesome. +1.

There's more. Oh so much more

[J]

We should be using this money to buy other, more profitable countries.

I floated this idea a week back or so but here goes again: Russia wants more territory, America wants more money and I want a nation free of Sarah Palin and her children. The solution seems obvious: Sell Alaska back to Russia.

[Baron Von Moneypants]

That's a nice economy you got there; be a shame if something was to happen to it . . .

[Brandi]

Have we found out annursa's tale of woe yet?

[Robb]

The solution seems obvious: Sell Alaska back to Russia.

That'd be perfect. I mean, you can see Russia from Alaska, they might as well be together.

[Geds]

Have we found out annursa's tale of woe yet?

Um, didn't we say that one ain't gonna happen any time soon?

[Froborr]

Another thing Paulson could do, calculated by a friend of mine at work and I:

He could buy enough 2008 Ferrari 612 Scaagliettis with he HGTS package for the faster gearbox, cruise control, treated leather upholstery, built-in iPod, rear parking sensors and camera, front parking sensors and radar, digital television, Alcantara interior carpet, whatever the heck a carbon fire exterior sill kick is, and a fire extinguisher, all plated in 100 lbs of 14-karat gold each by a body shop that charges $50,000 per car for the job, to line up end-to-end from New York City to Disney World... and still have $97,222,250 in gas money left over.
-----
Robb: I... what... huh? How did you know I'm lactose intolerant? I demand you stop spying on me!

Which reminds me of this little exchange a friend and I had once:

Me: I demand you stop spying on me!
Him: I'm not spying on you!
Me: Oh? Oh. Well, in that case... um... stop... spying... on me?
Him: Are you even listening?
Me: We do not listen to spies, you spy!

[Linkmeister]

Sheesh, we Dodgers fans would have been happy with an $18M center fielder who hit .280. Instead we got Andruw Jones for that price. He's currently out for the year and was hitting .160 when he shut it down.

[Brown Man]

Hilarious!

I guess the Patriots will be next!

[Froborr]

You know, you're right. Why bother remaining a world power in your own right when you can just buy China?

[Froborr]

Um... that was supposed to be in response to this:

We should be using this money to buy other, more profitable countries.

I don't know why it didn't show up.

[Geds]

Sheesh, we Dodgers fans would have been happy with an $18M center fielder who hit .280. Instead we got Andruw Jones for that price.

Yeah, but just think, between him and Manny Ramirez you guys have the first $38 outfield, and that's only at two positions. Imagine how great that could be if they traded for Beltran, too...

[Robb]

@ Froborr -

Um. . . I'm . . . not spying?

[to which the inevitable response is: "Of course a spy would say that!"]

If I were though, I'd say something like (in my best supervillain monologue tone, of course):

"Well, Mr. (and I'd know your real last name, what with the spying & all) - we share a common trait. You see, I also have an intolerance for lactose, one that has only intensified with age. It is now to the point that '5 and a bit' milkshakes, as you put it, would be intensely uncomfortable to to digest, regardless of how palatable they may be at the point of consumption. So it is with great irony that I send you to your doom in a fashion that would be equally fatal to me: immersion in this vat of chocolate frozen yogurt..."

But I'm not a spy or a supervillain, so don't worry about it. Really, honest.

[hapax]

I was under the impresion that McDonald's "milk"shakes contain very little actual milk, consisting primarily of flavored whipped lard.

But I haven't had one since I was a wee tiny hapax, so perhaps this is a base canard.

Frex, they might be adding melamine these days...

[cjmr]

McDonald's shakes have enough milk in them that I have to take a Lactaid when I drink them. I can eat a bowl of cereal with 1/2 cup milk without taking a Lactaid.

[Ursula L]

Thanks to the wonders of Snopes, the ingredient list for McDonald's shakes:

http://www.snopes.com/horrors/food/mcdshake.asp

Definately milk in there, and lots of it, in various forms.

[Froborr]

@cjmr: Lactose-free milk has been a lifeline for me. Just have to remember that it's roughly twice as sweet (due to cleaving the lactose into its two component sugars -- a nice side effect is that it's twice as sweet without increasing the calorie count) as an equivalent quantity of regular milk and adjust recipes accordingly. So, it's basically unusable in savory dishes, but in cereal and desserts I find it quite handy.

[damnedyankee]

The fans of Philadelphia gratefully acknowledge and honor the Mets' decision to suspend their campaign with a traditional display of jeering, laughter, and beer-chugging.

We're a cold bunch.

[peter]

That's a great piece. But how about a follow-up story? "Congress Offers Mets Eight Game Bailout Plan; Team Deemed Too Star-Studded to Fail." The eight games that they lost after leading by at least four runs would be changed to wins, as if the repeated failures of the bullpen never happened. Announcer Gary Cohen could be opposed--"If we reward the Mets leadership for foolishly spending millions on injury-prone veterans like Alou and Pedro while the bullpen collapses into a bearpen, no one will be held accountable for the mess in which they've left New York baseball, and season ticket owners will be left holding the bag."

[Robb]

"Congress Offers Mets Eight Game Bailout Plan; Team Deemed Too Star-Studded to Fail."

They'd only do that for the Yankees.

[Geds]

We're a cold bunch.

Well, you did throw batteries at Scott Rolen and boo Santa...

[Rosemary Molloy]

Doesn't that idiot know what "ostentatious" means? It means "showy" and "intended to impress" and has strongly NEGATIVE connotations. What a doof.

[damnedyankee]

Well, you did throw batteries at Scott Rolen and boo Santa...

Actually, we threw snowballs at Santa. The fat man had it coming. He was supposed to kick a field goal for charity and showed up dead drunk. What would you do, given copious amounts of snow and outrage?

[Tonio]

(in my best supervillain monologue tone, of course):

Now I picture Henry Paulson as Dr. Evil, blackmailing the world for $700 billion.

(I caught a few minutes of one of the Pierce Brosnan James Bonds recently - I didn't buy Jonathan Pryce as the supervillain, because of his role in Brazil. That was almost like Dustin Hoffman's lone foray into action movies a few years ago.)

[Geds]

What would you do, given copious amounts of snow and outrage?

Oh, I wasn't questioning the move. I was just pointing out that Philly does have a long history of non-sympathy...

[Tonio]

I was just pointing out that Philly does have a long history of non-sympathy...

Why is that the case? I had the misfortune of staying in a hotel near the Vet years ago. I looked in the liquor store next door to see if they had any potato chips, and when I walked back to the hotel, someone outside the store followed me. He stood behind me when I was waiting for the elevator, and then left. I was lucky that the elevator didn't have a floor display, and I was already planning to take a different floor as a diversion.

[channel2]

Suspending earning economic activity to deal with an economic crisis? Suspending the generation of money for working people like these ballplayers have done is shameful - how are all the hotdog vendors and beermen going to work those four days? They'll be four days short on their paycheck in times when no one has money.

Shame on these grandstanders. The time to work harder is now, before we go completely broke.

[peatey]

Forgive them baseball-jesus (aka Damon), for they do not know what they say. They and Fred do not know that Beltran is the 2nd best offensive center fielder this season. They and Fred do not know the awesomeness of .372 OBP and .217 Isolated power (SLG-AVG). May the power of VORP fill us so that PECOTA will pour forth...

http://www.baseballprospectus.com/statistics/sortable/index.php?cid=204031

[Brian]

You're being pretty hard on Beltran considering he has a .372 OBP with 26 Homers and a 129 OPS+. That's insane offensive production for a center-fielder. As an Astros fan I still haven't forgiven Tim Purpura for not resigning him.