The short straw

SCENE: A secure, undisclosed location somewhere deep beneath Washington, D.C. Representatives from every conservative PR tank and farm team have gathered for an emergency meeting.

Tony Perkins looks nervous, unsure if he should be glad he gets to go first. He reaches out and makes his choice. Grinning broadly, he holds up the long straw for the others to see and, chuckling to himself, makes his way to the back of the room.

“It’s not fair,” says George Weigel of the Ethics & Public Policy Center. “We had to take Santorum. We should get a pass this time.”

“Just pick, George,” says the intern from Heritage. They sent an intern just to show up the others. Heritage is cocky like that.

Weigel picks a long straw and almost begins to sob with relief.

Gingrich picks next, another long straw. Then the lady from AEI and then a guy from the Petroleum Institute. They both get long straws too, but the oil lobbyist tries to act like he hadn't been worried. “It might have been OK for us,” he says. “You know, ‘Drill, Baby, Drill’ and all that.” Nobody’s buying it.

It’s the Club for Growth’s turn next, and Stephen Moore looks like he just drank curdled milk.

“Do we really have to do this?” he whines. “Why not talk radio? Or Fox?”

“Have you seen her in interviews?” Gingrich says. “We stick with the plan – cushy think-tank post, ghost-write some books and buy ‘em back. Instant best-selling author and elder stateswoman. You know the drill. Now pick.”

Moore gets lucky, another long straw. And a string of long straws follows – for Dick Armey and Michelle Bernard and Mark Tooley from the Institute on Religion & Democracy, looking even twitchier than usual.

Brent Bozell is up next. The odds are getting worse and he hesitates.

“Look,” he says, “let's work something out here. What if we just agree to take Sanford instead? …”

Comments

[Roberta Taussig]

Fred, I love you. And to get more slactivistic goodness this soon after an LF Friday is bounty overflowing.

[Ian Perez]

Oh, hee! Can't we just hope that she'll return to private life in Alaska, and that we never hear from her again?

[Lee Ratner]

The Republican party seems to be destroying itself. Everyone on the top tier of the GOP and a potential contender against Obama, has either shown themselves to be an unprepared fool, i.e. Bobby Jindal, or has gotten themselves into a scandal that forced them to back down, i.e. too many GOP politicians to mention. The GOP has also turned against many of their members with genuine appeal to independents like the Governor of Florida. Basically, this leaves the GOP with Newt, Romney, and Bachmann (Turner Overdrive). Not a very impressive bunch of politicians.

I'm very happy about this but kind of sad. I would have liked to see Palin or Jindal try to take Obama in debate and get eaten alive. I also wonder if the Democrats in the House and Senate and their aides are having nightly parties because of the GOP's slow suicide.

[Elmo]

I doubt that the good (ex)governor will be making herself scarce. I rather expect that she will be getting a LOT of Fox Face Time.

[cjmr's husband]

I can't wait to see just why she decided to resign *now*... and on a Friday of a three-day-weekend when no one is watching the news, when the Michael Jackson Fest still hasn't wound down yet.

Announcing her candidacy should have been a massive fanfare. I could see her announcing it today, on the Fourth of July. Big symbolism there. But on the third???

If she's trying to go quietly, it's because her scandal would make catching Sanford in the airport with Craig look as innocuous as Cheney taking a bribe from Halliburton.

[not_scottbot]

They are going to rename it Foxy News - and only feminazis would object to creating the first 24 hour cable channel devoted to all Palin, all the time - this could be bigger than Springtime for Hitler.

[Tricksterson]

Don't know why she resigned but Fred's basis for the article is all wrong. She's highly popular among her fellow conservatives and most of them would be fighting to have her with them.

[not_scottbot]

'She's highly popular among her fellow conservatives and most of them would be fighting to have her with them.'

Right - Foxy News Network - Palin's flag wrapped shoulders making the sort of imagery that they all drool over. Because unlike some, Palin knows how to treat the flag with the proper respect it deserves when used as a fashion accessory.

[Lori]

The GOP has also turned against many of their members with genuine appeal to independents like the Governor of Florida.

Charlie Crist is probably not a good bet for the GOP either. Rumor has it that he's in the closet and that his recent marriage is a beard to preserve his political career. If he tries to take his career national in the anti-gay GOP someone is going to out him in a big, splashy scandal.

Don't know why she resigned but Fred's basis for the article is all wrong. She's highly popular among her fellow conservatives and most of them would be fighting to have her with them.

She's popular with a certain segment of the GOP base, but she's not popular with the movers and shakers. The beltway insiders who run think tanks are not her fans.

The speculation that seems most logical to me is that she's resigning in order to take the wind out of the ethics investigations against her.

The best joke I've heard about it is from one of the commenters at Kung Fu Monkey who said she's just treating being governor like she treated college:

"She's going to transfer to the governor's office of a couple other states, and eventually rack up enough credits to complete the term."

[Winter]

If she'd just sat down for five minutes, she (or a staffer) could've written a speech for her that no one would look at too closely, a speech that would've bought a couple days or weeks to plan before that bomb everyone's looking for drops.

My family obligations have greatly increased in the past year. Not only do I have an infant son with special needs, but I also have a new grandchild whose mother needs all the support she can get. I want Bristol to be able to pursue an education and a career that will enable her to raise her son the way he deserves. While I love the people of Alaska and want to do everything I can to make their lives better, my family needs me and I cannot fulfill both duties as well as they need to be.

And so, it is with the deepest regret that I say I will not be pursuing a second term [or: will be stepping down as governor at the end of this month].

If her son in the army (Track?) had a wife and child at home, there'd probably be even less scrutiny. Well, if it weren't for her resigning at a very odd time. I hope that the legislative session is over and things are set up for the next fiscal year at least.

[Rugosa]

Fred, for a Christian, you certainly have a devilish wit! ;)

[topher]

So did she resign because of a scandal or what? I listened to her speech and it was a rambling incoherent mess. Though she might go to Faux News make a bunch of money and plan a run in 2016. But I do not know how she can convince anyone to vote her to POTUS when she can't even complete one term in Alaska.

[Lori]

@topher: No new scandal has broken. There has been an ethics investigation against her in Alaska since last year. The speculation is that they've found something damning and that Palin is trying to head off charges by stepping down. That makes sense, but there's no proof of it and it may just be wishful thinking.

[damnedyankee]

Yeah, there's a lot of speculation about what's going on there, but right now everyone's just scratching their heads.

One thing I do know is that she's just flushed away her Presidential aspirations. It's one thing to relinquish your seat to pursue a campaign, as seekers of higher office do fairly regularly, but to quit in an off year with thirty months to go in your term?

[PurpleGirl]

Fred -- great piece; good thing I don't always drink/eat at the computer or I'd need a new keyboard now.

Winter: That's a very good answer you wrote there and it would have been highly plausible for her.

While she is popular with a segment of the GOP base, the think tank people satirized so well by Fred aren't in that base. They have their own agenda and the money to pursue it. They gave us Bush and Cheney and the economic melt down. She's a tool to them.

[Muse of Ire]

Can't help feeling some schadenfreude here with the way all the Republicans seem to be tripping over their own feet, what with all those years the Democrats were characterized as The Party That Can't Get Their Shit Together.

[Selaris]

The theory currently running around my new unit is that one of her daughters is pregnant again, and the GOP has forced her to resign to try and save the credibility they think they have left.

I'm a Democratic leaning Independent, and I try my best not to trash anything but the issues. Really I do. But Palin made women everywhere look just retarded, and I couldn't take that sitting down too easily. I truly hope she is done with politics, but...Should she run for President, I will thoroughly enjoy seeing Obama trounce her. :)

[Robb]

That no new scandal has yet appeared is irrelevant - she's done as a political contender. True, she'll be almost impossible to get rid of as a political figure (she'll be doing speaking gigs & rallying whatnot for the next 2 or 3 election cycles before she's forgotten), but the possibility of her being anywhere close to national office has evaporated.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to practice not giggling incessantly with glee; in the next few days, I'll encounter a number of her fans at church who'll be rather morose & depressed.

[Lori]

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to practice not giggling incessantly with glee; in the next few days, I'll encounter a number of her fans at church who'll be rather morose & depressed.

If it helps, her fans probably won't be down at all tomorrow. You have to live in a bit of a dream world ever to have seen her as a serious candidate for POTUS. People who have the idea that God chose her to lead the country are not going to be concerned about her quitting her job.

I agree that Winter's idea for an explanation would have made far more sense than the one she gave, but there is a major problem with it---it would require Palin to actually stay home. When a make politician resigns to "spend more time with his family" no one actually expects him to do that. I think it would be very different for a woman, especially this woman. Since I seriously doubt she has the slightest intention of focusing on her family that would be an issue.

[Winter]

Most of the politicians I can think of who resign for that reason at least left the spotlight for a couple months to let things blow over. But you do have a point, Lori. Mme. Palin seems too addicted to attention to stay home or even take a lower-profile job.

It also occurs to me that she would not like the label of elder stateswoman.

[Lori]

Mme. Palin seems too addicted to attention to stay home or even take a lower-profile job.

Exactly. This is a woman who was nicknamed "Barracuda" way back in high school. I don't think she's planning to just walk away from power.

[Leum]

Commentary from Alaska's best blogger:

http://www.themudflats.net/2009/07/04/republican-senator-lisa-murkowski-slams-palin/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/akmuckraker/what-is-sarah-palin-think_b_225648.html

[Nora Bombay]

Weirdly, if she's doing this so she can make huge sums of money? I respect the decision. She's got a lot of family. And at least one of them is highly unlikely to achieve financial independence.

She and Todd are ok, but they aren't RICH. Not the way most politicians are. You only make so much as the -worker- in the oil industry.

So if she decided to take her chances, and get as much money as possible for a few years? I can respect that. In a way, it really would be for her family. I loathe Fox News- but if they mean that Trig is taken care of when she's gone? Well, even the evil sometimes do a good thing.

(I think somebody's gonna wind up in jail, personally).

[Lori]

If Palin is making a money run I suspect it's less to take care of Trig than it is to pay off the $600K in legal fees she claims to have run up defending herself against all those ethics complaints. It occurs to me that it would also allow her to keep wearing the kind of clothes she bought on the GOP dime. (I'm well aware that's unkind, but that doesn't mean that it's untrue.)

[Yeltar]

Winter and Lori: At first glance, such a speech--even if she's lying in her teeth--would make sense; it would at least give her a graceful (if probably temporary) exit. But think back--there was some measure of stink about how well she'd be able to keep up with even the Veep's schedule and tasks, and balance that out with her family duties. Yes, yes, lots of howling went right along with that, because nobody ever questions whether a MALE can juggle work and family. Be that as it may, she and her handlers hotly insisted that of course she could. Pretty big political liability if she flip-flopped on that now, ne?

My bet is that it's a money issue. She was a sizzling hot property not all that long ago, and there is still a sizeable group she can bring to their feet, screaming. Even after the Rs realized how much damage she could do to herself (and them) unless handled very, very carefully, they didn't hesitate to trot her out at every opportunity, just to lift the buzz level. She draws crowds. Whatever those crowds are made of, well, ewwww. But she does draw them. And she can probably play that ability like a philharmonic orchestra. Speeches, talk radio or tv, something. Money.

Great post, Fred. I chortled throughout. :)

[topher]

If she does run in 2012 or 2016 do you think she will be the catalyst for a Republican party split? Her Evangelical base will love her no matter what she does, but all the intelligent conservatives I know despise her (except as window dressing to get the boobs to vote republican, but none of them want her in power). Now, I do not think she has a chance of winning an election, but if she throws her hat in the republican primaries could be very interesting and important (for the survival of the party).

[thebewilderness]

I think she resigned because of the federal investigation of her house building/sport stadium building corruption. It is one of the most popular corrupt traditions in politics.
Resigning should keep the lid on it. I expect her to spend a few months talking, traveling, and gathering funds, then go after the Senate seat in 2010.

[Lee Ratner]

Muse of Ire: Even though the Republicans are imploding, the Democrats still can't get their shit together. Too many Democrats seem unwilling to take a hard line against the forces that have hurt America and pass the necessary reforms. The Democrats have proven unwilling to take on the health insurance companies, the banking/finance industry, and the Bush administration. They are trending way too lightly for my tastes. The Democrats need to grow a back bone, drop this bipartisanship nonsense, and make bankers, the health insurance people, and the GOP mad.

I really fail to see why the Democrats are not being more vehement. We won, we have the Presidency and Congress under our complete control. When the Republicans had this situation, they ran wild and did what they wanted. We act like wimps and water down necessary laws to appease powerful people and get the approval of the GOP. What happened to the New Deal/Great Society spirit?

I am deeply worried that if the Democrats mess up, the Republicans can win in 2010 and make reform even harder.

[Daughter]

Lee, I'm with you in your concerns about the Dems. I waver between trying to be patient, since change takes time and you want it to stick, and feeling like they just need to plow forward and make it happen. Part of my fear is that I'm uncertain about the American people. Someone somewhere recently made this point about gay marriage: a majority of Americans don't care about it (and so would be OK with it passing), but also aren't emotionally committed to it (and so would also be OK if it doesn't). Meanwhle, those opposed to it are rabidly committed and crazy.

I feel like that same phenomenon may be true of other issues as well. For example, I think most Americans want some form of universal health care, but if people are currently insured, they may not have the emotional investment to support universal health care in the face of the crazies that oppose it. Maybe the White House feels this way as well, and that's why they think they need to tread slowly.

[Leum]

My fear is that Obama's plan is to consolidate power in his first term, and then build a legacy in the second. Well, Mr. President, assuming you'll get a second term is a bad idea, and don't count on my support for that term unless you've already begun building in this term.

[Raj]

I personnaly believe that U.S. American Sarah Palin is unable to do so because she doesn't have maps such as her education like such as in South Africa and the Iraq, everywhere like such as and I believe that her education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S. or should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so she will be able to build up our future. For our children.

:D :D :D

[Raj]

Yes, I know it's "personally", not "personnaly".

[Comrade Rutherford]

cmjr's husband said, "Cheney taking a bribe from Halliburton."

Bribe? No, he was Halliburton's payroll for at least the first two years. They called it some euphamism, like 'deferred pay', but he was still getting Halliburton checks on a regular basis for quite some time. That is apart from the stock options that he criminally used his influence as Vice President to greatly increase the value of.

The long list of High Crimes that the Bush Administration committed in broad daylight still shocks me.

After eight years of anti-Constitutional governance and blatant open corruption of the Bush Regime really makes me wonder just what Palin did to get her removed. The way she went on it makes me think it has something to do with her family. I'm specifically thinking of the 'Trig's not actually her baby' story.

That is like the 9/11 story, 4 commercial jets off course and the FAA/NORAD don't lift a finger for over an hour, it's just totally unbelievable. High risk pregnancy, her water broke in TX and they let her board a commercial flight while in labor? Then, back in AK, she bypasses well-equipped hospitals and goes all the way out to her tiny local facility? Wow, how many plot-holes in that crazy nonsense?

[hapax]

Umm. Comrade Rutherford, y'know...

Oh, never mind.

[ako]

You know, I find the proven behavior of the current major figures in the Republican party bad enough that I don't feel the need to chase down conspiracy stories on sketchy evidence. Now, any conspiracy that's proven is a different deal, but fussing over "But it could possibly be true!" just gives off the impression that the truth isn't bad enough.

[Lori]

My argument against most conspiracy theories boils down to, "Look around you." A conspiracy, especially one as complex as faking the moon landing or 9/11 being some sort of inside job would require a fairly large group of people to exhibit a tremendous level of smarts, coordination and ability to keep a secret. How many offices have you worked in were you could pull together a group of you coworkers who could do that?

Even if you could get the first two I don't see anyway you could get the third. It's not human nature to be able to keep big secrets like that. Someone would give it up. Especially since DC is the leak capital of the world. Killing people to keep them from talking would require yet another complex conspiracy, and on and on.

[Leum]

After eight years of anti-Constitutional governance and blatant open corruption of the Bush Regime really makes me wonder just what Palin did to get her removed. The way she went on it makes me think it has something to do with her family. I'm specifically thinking of the 'Trig's not actually her baby' story.

I hate to defend my soon-to-be-former governor here, but no. No, I don't believe Trig isn't really her baby. I know the manner of what happened at his birth was weird, but I don't think it justifies that particular accusation.

[Daughter]

High risk pregnancy, her water broke in TX and they let her board a commercial flight while in labor? Then, back in AK, she bypasses well-equipped hospitals and goes all the way out to her tiny local facility? Wow, how many plot-holes in that crazy nonsense?
Speaking of conspiracy theories, an awful lot of medical professionals would have their jobs on the line if they were covering up a "Trig isn't Palin's baby" conspiracy.

No, my opinion is that the truth is sadder and more mundane. Some have suggested that her crazy behavior was an attempt at a "fundamentalist abortion." She was 44, already had four kids, in a high-power position and ambitious for more, and expecting a special needs baby. She has even admitted (post election) that she wasn't sure she wanted to go through with the pregnancy.

[Dissertation Sample]

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[Nicole J. LeBoeuf-Little]

...And they're so useful for selling crap on other people's websites, too!

[iow, NJLL spots spam at jul 6 2009 8:28 AM]

[Comrade Rutherford]

Lori said, "A conspiracy, especially one as complex as faking the moon landing or 9/11 being some sort of inside job would require a fairly large group of people to exhibit a tremendous level of smarts, coordination and ability to keep a secret"

I don't agree. It would only take a few people in key positions.

There was one recording released after 9/11 where an FAA controller was practically begging his boss (a high-up FAA official) to call NORAD. That FAA official refused to do so. The controller was frantic, the official was cool and calm as he refused to follow standard procedures. Just that one FAA official was all it took to slow down the whole process and delay any kind of response.

When I was a kid I lived in Washington, DC. It was common knowledge (and on the front page of the Andrews Air Force Base until 9/12/2001) that that air base was tasked with defending our nation from surprise attack. Everyone (my age) knew that Andrews kept 2 armed fighters on the runway ready to fly instantly to protect the Nation's Capital. It is impossible for any air craft to approach the capital unchallenged. It is simply impossible for a known incommunicado and off course aircraft to approach DC, circle the White House, Congress, the Pentagon without Andrews airmen defending those installations.

The FAA and NORAD knew that plane was headed for DC for a long time, and they did nothing to stop it. How is that remotely believable? And if we are to believe that insane nonsense, then that means that everyone involved is guilty of gross negligence and incompetence. Why, then, were all those people in those key positions given promotions and raises?

I don't subscribe to any 'theory'. I don't believe any of the differing theories as to what happened. All I do know for sure is that facts of the events of that day, the planes that took off, their routes, and where they came down, and that all the rules of the last 50 years were studiously ignored by a handful of people in key positions for only one single day, who were all rewarded for their allowing the planes to reach their targets. The official story makes no sense at all. I don't have any answers, but I have too many questions to find the Bush Administration's mythology to be even remotely believable. Indeed, their official story is the biggest 'conspiracy theory' of all.

[Diez]

I have soft spot for Sarah Palin, possibly because she looks like my mother. Regardless, whatever she is doing, I wish her well (so long as she isn't in a position of power or authority, because quite frankly, she doesn't seem terribly smart).

[Comrade Rutherford]

Anyway, back on topic:

Palin's own statements show her to be bat-shit insane, one of the John Birch type crazies (talk about conspiracy theories!). Palin is a prime example of exactly what is wrong with this country since the Republicans took over in 1980.

Everything that used to be a colossal joke is now the most important thing ever:

Country Music
NASCAR
Southern 'Culture'
anti-Christian 'christians'
Willful ignorance

Palin is a walking example of what this country has become: intentionally stupid

[Not Really Here]

I'm with Comrade Rutherford on this (although Daughter's "fundamentalist abortion" theory makes sense, too.)

I mean, "doesn't look pregnant, doesn't look pregnant, doesn't look pregnant, announces she's seven months gone and looks it"?

And WTH, I thought airlines wouldn't allow pregnant women to fly once they were past their seventh month?

And getting on a plane to fly from TX to AK while in labor? I mean, don't they have small, isolated rural clinics in Texas that could handle a premature birth in a high-risk pregnancy? And going to the Governor's Convention to give a speech after her water had broken?

Hmm, actually I think Daughter may be right. After all, some women do "pop" later in their pregnancies, after not looking pregnant for a while (my mom didn't really start looking pregnant with my little sister until well into her sixth month).

If Trig hadn't made it, Palin could simply have claimed she went into labor suddenly on the plane. But then, she would have had to explain the missing amniotic fluid when her clothes weren't soaked and her water failed to break at the hospital/clinic.

[e. nonee moose]

Comedy Gold!

[Spearmint]

Poor Palin- nobody wants to play with her anymore. XD

I agree with Lee- the Dems are utterly useless. We need to start mounting serious challenges from the left in the primaries to scare people into line. I have my sights set on Specter- if Sestak challenges him I think we have a shot to take him down.

The problem is that with the mass defection of former Republicans, the Dems are only going to get more center-right than they already are. Even if the Republican party completely implodes we're not going to be able to accomplish anything because we have zero party discipline.

Although maybe now that we've broken the filibuster we can actually pass the stuff that has 55% backing in the Senate; that would be progress.

[Hawker Hurricane]

Spearmint: I've been hoping for the disintergration/drop to 3rd party status of the Republicans, and the rise of a left wing party to challenge the Democrats.

[GailVortex]

It seems to me that the Occam's Razor explanation regarding the heap-of-crazy-and-unlikely story Sarah Palin gave about the circumstances of Trig's birth is that She Made Shit Up To Make Herself Look Heroic.

I mean, we've got nothing but her word as to the whole "water broke in TX" thing, and she's not exactly a paragon of precision/honesty.

[millstone]

This was absolutely brilliant.

[Wenzer]

Everything that used to be a colossal joke is now the most important thing ever:

Country Music
NASCAR
Southern 'Culture'
anti-Christian 'christians'
Willful ignorance

Um... I agree with most of this, except that I love NASCAR and I like at least some country music (altho my musical tastes run more to alt-rock). And as the Slacktiverse's resident NASCAR fan, let me take this opportunity to point out that of the top 12 drivers in the Sprint Cup standards, only two (Carl Edwards and Denny Hamlin) even come close to being Southerners (Edwards is a Missouri native and Hamlin is a Virginia native). The rest of the top 12 include two Hoosiers, two California natives, two boys from the State of Washington, two brothers from Fabulous Las Vegas!, a Wisconsin boy and a former F1 driver from Colombia...