No Songs of Angels

Death and funerals have been on my mind over the past year. I lost a close, beloved grandmother in January. In March a friend's husband passed away. I hoped he would also become a friend, and we would stay up late discussing science fiction and geeking out about religion and engineering, but he died too soon and his kids will barely know him. My other grandmother, beloved but not so close across the states and miles, died in June.

This has led to family discussions about our funeral wishes. My mother wants the hymns at her funeral to come from an older version of the UCC (United Church of Christ) Hymnal. She understands the reasons for changing words and replacing verses to be more inclusive and less patriarchal. But her beloved father was a UCC minister for decades. She has always found great comfort through devotion to God the Father.

Sometimes people say "funerals are for the living." Well, if you believe the spirits of the departed may attend, that's less true. Even if you don't, there's a lot to be said for remembering people the way they would want to be remembered. To do otherwise is to fail to honor their memory (which could be worth doing in some cases, but obviously not for beloved family members). And it's nice to be able to plan your own funeral, to take the guesswork out of it, to give folks who attend a strong sense of who you were, and to offer your loved ones the best chance to honor your life and cherish your memory.

As Allfather's words in the Havamal say,

"Cattle die, kinsmen die,
You will die, yourself.
But true renown will never die,
The fame of deeds well done." ^[1]

I suppose I would want that read at my funeral. And this too, though it's better sung:

"...the only measure of your words and your deeds Will be the love you leave behind when you're gone."^[2]

I did like, a bit, the idea of Speakers for the Dead^[3], of people whose holy, though not religious, task it was to tell your whole story at its end. They would leave no lies to fester, nor heroism to go unsung. That approach comes a little too close to brutal honesty, though, and funerals are and should be more about feelings than facts. So I just try to remind myself that I can't be remembered as my whole and true self if I don't let it shine through. I don't mind the idea that some distant relative or minor acquaintance will show up at my funeral thinking I was Christian or straight or something and have their misperception corrected. But it's better that people who know me should know all the parts of who I am, even if it's sometimes awkward or uncomfortable to speak up.

Another relevant consideration: I hate church services. Well, hate is probably too strong a word. I dislike sitting still indoors for worship, and I hate sermons. It's not that I haven't heard wonderful sermons; it's just that I tend to appreciate them more in settings other than church. And while I do make offerings on an indoor altar fairly often, I only truly feel connected to the numinous outdoors. Preferably with rocks involved. Trees are good too, but optional.

I was thinking I would like "Warrior Queen," by Kelliana^[4] sung at my funeral...except it doesn't really fit. I love the song, but I can't say I especially identify as a warrior or a queen, and I won't be fourteen... so really what I want is for someone to write a song that's vaguely like that one but applicable to me personally and then sing it at my funeral. (Suggestions for already existent songs in comments are more than welcome.)

Then the flipside to wanting to be remembered as my whole self is wanting some of my fragmentary selves remembered in the places that knew them. Some of those places are on the internet, or in the SCA (Society for Creative Anachronism)...places where I'll be known by a username and an icon, a weakness for Avatar: The Last Airbender fanfiction, a passion for the details of Bajoran^[5] religious practice, and an undying love for Kasidy^[6] Yates^[7]...Or as that bard who kept changing her persona and won the Crystal Fruit^[8] that one time, and that short fighter with a penchant for daggers and a propensity for crotch shots...

When I die I don't just want to fade from the internet. I've made a lot of friends here, and I want to say goodbye. I guess I should write up a final post for Livejournal and Facebook, or their future versions...and this place of course, just in case.

--Lonespark

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^[1] (This translation is by Jack Hart, and is found here, along with some explanations.)  ↩

^[2] Everything is Possible (That's not my favorite version by far, I prefer more of a lullaby, but the video made me weep, so…)  ↩

^[3] The idea more than the execution, insert Orson Scott Card rant here.  ↩

^[4] Warrior Queen  ↩

^[5] Bajorans  ↩

^[6] Memory Alpha -- Kasidy Yates-Sisko  ↩

^[7] TREKCORE Kasidy Yates gallery  ↩

^[8] The Crystal Fruit is (was?) a trophy given out at Estrella War^[8a] in the Kingdom of Atendveldt^[8b] to a bard who performed humorous songs/poetry/etc.↩

^[8a] Estrella War FAQ  ↩

^[8b] The Kingdom of Atendveldt (The title comes from A Valkyrie Song by Michael Hrafspa/Mikal the Ram. I have heard it many times around SCA campfires, and hoped to hear it from the bard himself one day, but he's gone too. The song itself is a love story, but the refrain really sticks with me when I think about wanting to respect people's spiritual and cultural frames of reference, and wanting other people to respect mine.)   ↩

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Comments

[Nenya]

This is just to say that first of all, KASIDY! and secondly, I've thought about the question of how people online will remember me when I'm gone. I've seen several well-loved members of another online community pass on, and it was heartening to see how people did care and did miss them and did find ways to memorialize them. I spend so much of my life here on these Internets ("on the Internet, where I'm from," as a blogger put it a few months back) that it would be a shame to simply vanish without a trace. I don't know what to do about it, though, except to be active in the communities I'm in so that people know I am here.

A funeral in offline space, though--that I haven't considered. Agree with you about sermons, but expect I won't get away without a church service of some kind, as all my family and large sections of my sweetheart's family do them. Hmm.

[Lonespark]

Thanks for your thoughts, Nenya.

And in conclusion...

KASIDY! FTW!

[Nenya]

I roleplayed Kasidy once--to, I am sure, a certain amount of fail--which was also the time I was introduced to Babylon 5 fandom. Kas had dinner with Londo on the Zocalo. Hee.

[MercuryBlue]

When I die I don't just want to fade from the internet. I've made a lot of friends here, and I want to say goodbye. I guess I should write up a final post for Livejournal [Dreamwidth and Twitter] and Facebook, or their future versions...and this place of course, just in case.

Ditto.

In related news: this is how I want to be buried. All parts of my body that are of use to someone else, take them out first, then put the rest in a box and freeze-dry it with liquid nitrogen, then vibrate the box until the contents become powder, then put the powder in a biodegradable box and bury it in a shallow grave and plant a tree above it. Six, twelve months later, there's nothing left but compost and the tree. Dunno what kind of tree, though. Depends where I get buried, I suppose.

I'd prefer to avoid funeral services altogether, but I assume my family would have a cow.

[Froborr]

I have been to too many funerals.

Only one really meant anything; when I was 16, a 14-year-old online friend of mine died, suddenly, in his sleep, from a previously undetected congenital heart defect. He was much-loved, caring, brilliant, insightful, surprisingly wise... we held a memorial for him on our forum. I remember we "sang Danny Boy," each forumite posting one line of the song.

I do not particularly care what happens to my body once I am dead, but I have already informed my fiancee that my funeral is to be entirely non-religious, and all present are to sing "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life."

I had always thought the following would be an interesting beginning for a story set at a funeral:

It was the dead man's final wish to show the video at his funeral. So it was that he spoke from the screen erected in front of his black-suited family members, friends, and business partners.

"If you are seeing this," he said, "then I am dead. Also, the doors are locked, and the gas will reach lethal levels in twenty minutes. Since none of you therefore have anything better to do, I suggest you listen for once."

[Slow Learner]

Froborr, that is an entertaining hook for a story. I like it.

I used to have a yen to be cremated when I died, with my ashes being scattered at sea; but my other half finds the prospect really disturbing, and would rather we be buried on a hill with trees above us somewhere.

[Lonespark]

we held a memorial for him on our forum. I remember we "sang Danny Boy," each forumite posting one line of the song.

I do not particularly care what happens to my body once I am dead, but I have already informed my fiancee that my funeral is to be entirely non-religious, and all present are to sing "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life."

These are both amazing things I will treasure in my heart.

[Lonespark]

A variation on the "being remembered on the internet" thing seems to have come up in the US mainstream media with people seeking access to deceased loved ones Facebook accounts.

[AnaMardoll]

I've been thinking about this, too, as Husband and I are updating the wills before I go in for surgery in May. I keep thinking I need to draft an "Ana is dead, sorry" post on Blogger and leave instructions for it to be posted if something bad ever happens. :/

[Amaryllis]

I attended a funeral-- no, more of a memorial service-- for a friend recently. He was actually my husband's friend first: he lived about ten miles away from us, but the two of them met on a Facebook page for a music program broadcast over the Internet from the BBC Shropshire. Without the international Internet, we'd never have known him. As it was, we knew him for far too short a time.

His death was announced on his Facebook page, by his brother. I don't do Facebook myself, so I'm not sure of the mechanics of that, but at least that way someone's more far-flung friends know why he's not posting any more.

As funerals go, this one was positively cheerful. He was a devout Christian, so there was a church service first with joyful Easter songs and readings. He had a wicked sense of humor; his brothers and his sister took turns in their eulogies demonstrating that it was a family trait. He was a writer and a voracious reader; at the reception afterward, his daughter and his son-in-law sang some filks that he'd composed. He was a musician; his brothers and his friends sang some of his favorite songs. He was a veteran and a reservist; there was a sizable military contingent. All in all, it was the kind of funeral where you're sorry that the guest of honor can't be there, because it was his kind of party.

He died too soon, and he certainly didn't die rich. But he sure had a life, and his family who put that event together knew how he'd have liked it to be remembered.

[Leum]

I haven't really planned out my funeral/memorial service, but I do know I want Phil Ochs' songs "When I'm Gone," "Changes," and "Cross My Heart" to be sung, as well as Pete Seeger's song "Sailing Down My Golden River." Maybe readings from Ecclesiastes (while I am an atheist, I'm also a Bible nerd), and the recitation of Dylan Thomas' poem "." I should probably get this written down somewhere.

[Lonespark]

the kind of funeral where you're sorry that the guest of honor can't be there, because it was his kind of party.

Yeah! This is definitely what I'm shooting for, and I think what my grandma was too, and mostly got.

[Lonespark]

On an only vaguely related note, I was checking the links before this post went up, and I got distracted for hours listening to Fred Small songs. I don't know that much about music or song writing, but I think they're very good. And they can totally spork you in the heart.

Scott and Jamie

At the Elbe

Then I tried to find "Rodney King's Blessing" but instead learned the original words to "The Hug Song" and watched a video of Rev. Small speaking at a solidarity rally. Good stuff all around.

[Froth]

I think about my funeral often. It's a habit, to think of the people I care for, and how they would be sad if I died, to give me a reason to keep living.
But it's not a peaceful thought. I can't make it come out neat, because there are still people who think I'm a girl. My parents would mourn me as a daughter, and how could they be at the same funeral as my partners, mourning their boyfriend? How could my lovers speak at my wake, to the family who do not know they exist?
It would be scandal and heartbreak all round.

[Lonespark]

That sucks, Froth, I'm sorry.

I feel like maybe there's a tiny bit of something similar going on for a lot of people who have had huge shifts in their lives or identities. A lot of the time the people who knew you long ago and the people who knew the most recent you or the adult you aren't in the same place so they wouldn't have to interact...

Even when everyone wants to be loving and understanding it doesn't always work, so, yeah, heartbreak. It's still your party, though, so maybe if you set clear rules or expectations that could help. OTOH, you don't have to deal with it; you could forgo the idea, or delegate it to someone you trust...

[kisekileia]

Music-wise, I want my funeral to include the first four songs of U2's album All That You Can't Leave Behind, in order, possibly followed by the older U2 song Mysterious Ways. They were an incredibly therapeutic reminder of hope for me in one of the darkest times in my life, and I identify with them strongly. I would like for them to be able to help those who remember me as they helped me. I also don't want it my funeral to be too churchy, or to be done by a pastor from my parents' church. Church triggers the fuck out of me, and I'd like my funeral to be someplace where I would feel safe now.

I do NOT want my family to have access to my LiveJournal when I die, for various reasons. Nobody has the password, and I'm planning to keep it that way.

I do worry about who, in my offline life, knows enough about where I hang out online that they would be able to let all my friends (here and elsewhere) know what had happened. My boyfriend does, I think, but if he and I were to ever break up, I'm not sure there would be anyone who knows about everywhere, and I don't really want to give that information to family.