Frakking Bathrooms

Let's talk about bathrooms, specifically public restrooms. Now this doesn't seem like much of a real topic. What are public restrooms? A place to expunge our wastes, wash our hands, and go.

Except...I'm a transwoman.

And as such, much of the battle for my basic rights seem focused on the issues of public restrooms.

Whether or not we have protections from being fired or turned over in hiring owing to our gender identity, whether we can be kicked out of housing or denied aid, whether we can legally be recognized as our actual sex, whether we are allowed access to aid mechanisms or services, and of course, whether our murders are to be investigated or silently left unsolved...all of these issues tend to be debated on the issue of whether or not we should be allowed in "their" bathrooms with their unprotected womenfolk and children and so on.

Now, that's a stupid debate, filled with actions that say more about our opponents than those they attack. Much of it seems to assume that the gender signs on bathrooms act as a sort of magic ward that prevent men who want to assault women from entering unless they "disguise themselves as women". Naturally, such occurrence of cross-dressing attackers in bathrooms never seems to manifest, though some of those who seek to defend from such a menace turn up to be bathroom attackers themselves.

I will, if allowed, gladly fill a column just about the political debate, but that isn't why I've brought it up.

Today, I want to do something different than just arguing for my humanity and my right to poop.

I want to talk about what its like to be a transgendered person and some of the reasons why bathrooms are treated like a fortress that must not be breached. This is a personal narrative of why I hate public restrooms and what they represent.

And as such, we begin with a flashback (please insert doo-de-lee-doos to taste). In August of 2008, I travelled to Denmark to pursue and complete my Master's degree. During that time, by sheer coincidence, I made the conscious realization that I was a woman. I had many clues before-hand, but I had stupid reasons for dismissing that gender dysphoria.

It was during this time that I began exploring the world as a conscious transwoman, experiencing life through those eyes, exploring my personal aesthetic, coming out in life, and planning my future life.

I hadn't noticed at the time, but this was a remarkably good environment to begin this exploration. And the reason for that didn't become clear until I had returned home to the States.

Suddenly, there was an overall shift in perceived safety of going out as myself and a more general pressure that was felt socially. Things were different.

Unsettling.

And the reason for it became clear once I had my first encounter with something we take for granted back in my home country.

The all-familiar male and female restroom signs.

Suddenly, there was a decision to be made. Not to decide whether I was male or female, that was something I had made peace with. But rather which space I belonged and more importantly was allowed into.

I was wearing "feminine" clothes, but in terms of passing, I was not nearly as confident. Furthermore, there are all sorts of stories of assault, confrontations, even expulsions for "wrong choices". Interactions from security, complaints from guests, and of course the stares.

So here was a calculation of safety and more importantly what sex society would see me as. I was not having to decide based on my own sex, but rather what sex I most resembled by society's norms.

What sex would I be read as? What box would others...all others read me as?

Now, it's hard to truly capture what that feels like, because what this induces is generally a feeling of gender dysphoria. A reminder that one's birth sex, perhaps the sex the world sees you as is not your true internal sex (the sex your brain sees itself as). An attack of self-loathing, self-doubt, of being wrong, insecure, and frightened.

One gets to experience all that, because one needed to poop.

This experience hit so very hard, especially, because it didn't arise in Denmark. In Denmark, bathrooms are all labeled WC, most are single person "home bathroom" style rooms or closets that are open to both sexes. There are some segregated bathrooms of the American style in high-traffic areas but they are easy to bypass and are far from the norm.

The average bathroom experience as such was I went to the bathroom, just as a cis-person does, without needing to question or think.

But here, I must plan ahead, making sure I never forget to take care of business before leaving, often accepting the dangerous gamble of entering a very wrong restroom (male) in a skirt, eyes downcast to avoid the taken-back looks of men on the way to the privacy of the stall, hoping none become violent, because I don't yet trust my ability to pass in the ladies room. An inability to meet society's standards. Standards which often turn on say butch women and others who fail to meet society's gender policing.

And one can say, that such is a necessity of our greater concentration. Our bathrooms serve more people more quickly and as such, need the reduced space these segregations give us.

I was willing to give such arguments credence until I came to live in San Francisco.

San Francisco is largely seen as one of the more socially liberal cities in the country. One of the best cities to live in as a QUILTBAG and certainly one of the transgender-friendliest cities, or at least one with the most transgender people in it.

Here, the segregated doors, male and female still abound. And what they abound are single home bathroom style rooms with a toilet and a sink. Places with only two toilets in total have them clearly labeled male and female. What reason is there to segregate these single stalls?

At the LGBT center, a location that sees many transgender individuals and is possibly best poised to understand and empathize with their life experiences, the main bathrooms are male and female. There is a gender-neutral toilet, the same as the disabled toilet. One can enter it by requesting the key at the desk, where one is handed a key on a large wooden box (just like in elementary school). As you go back upstairs to use it, you can see men and women entering freely into the other bathrooms and reflect on how very not alienating this feels.

And that's where we get to the rub. Even in cases where there is no reason to segregate our bathrooms, we do so. It is simply something that is done, because that's what a public restroom is like. We can't seem to imagine a society where going to the bathroom isn't gender segregated. Instead it is where one must decide male or female and where one is encouraged to sort others by male or female to decide whether they "belong" there or not.

This makes bathrooms fraught, alienating, and deeply troubling. Instead of being able to crap and leave, one if transgendered must make complicated calculations of passing and face internalized demons of gender presentation and acceptance. Others are encouraged to enforce the place unthinking and more importantly carry that thinking into all public spaces. Male and female must be seen as different and distinct in public spaces, because that's how the very public spaces are built. If we don't know where you belong, where will you crap? Where will you change? Where will you go?

And this social attitude definitely feels palpable in experience. There was a genuine freedom and easy-going attitude while I was in Denmark. The public spaces were accepting of gender-neutrality and so there was less of a feeling that one was supported in segregating the genders. Mixed spaces were the rule, gender roles less focused on, and teachers hardly blinked an eye as their "male" students did their oral finals complete in skirt and shaved legs.

That is not to say that Denmark was flawless or lacked any gender segregation or sexism. But rather that the social weight of encounters felt less on the side of gender police and bullies versus the non-conforming. And there was less institutional support for social gender-segregation and internalizing it.

The bathroom in America is a sign, a symbol on a door that says Male and Female. That offers a dualistic choice. And for the majority of cispeople, such a decision is hardly ever considered.

In short, such a choice is natural. Gender segregation is a natural, everyday occurrence. And we've learned to become blind to it. It is simply how the world works. There are men and there are women.

And this thinking makes it easy to go from there to further gender policing. What type of men and what type of women? Are they too feminine, too masculine, do they retain any secondary sex characteristics of another sex, should we check?

And I think that's why all transgender rights arguments seem to center so heavily around bathrooms, changing rooms, and dorms. These locations are the last everyday locations of gender segregation. Here is where the question is raised, are you woman or are you a man? Are the people around you women or men? If they are not, they are in the wrong place.

And for those interested in arguing that these populations are distinct and never the twain shall meet (by transition, gender unorthodoxy, or simply being outside of the gender binary), the bathroom seems a natural stronghold to enforce that for society.

And that's why it feels so unsafe, why it serves as a cultural weight against being oneself. And that's just for me, who identifies as female.

Imagine how similar it must feel for unorthodox cis women and men. That is, butch women in masculine clothing, or feminine men in feminine clothing. To have one's personal aesthetic be a source of constant question, to even be demanded to demonstrate "biological proof" of one's sex over the nosiness of others from the privacy of a stall.

And imagine how much worse it must be for those members of the transgendered and intersex communities who identify outside the gender binary. Who see themselves as both or neither or a third sex or something else entirely. When there isn't a "right sex" in that binary question, how do they feel about their place in their country? Do they feel like they are seen to exist at all? Or is the need to poop an invitation a reinforcement of a narrative that they would be better off disappearing entirely?

These are all real questions. And there's no reason why bathrooms should be reinforcing all of these issues when they are simply there to serve a rather basic biological necessity.

But as long as they are, I must continue to dread, fear, and oh yes, hate bathrooms.

Frakking bathrooms, man.

--Cerberus
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Comments

[radiant_enigma]

That Trans 101 site is fascinating. It's expressing a completely different worldview than the one I'm used to. It will definitely take a while for everything they're saying to settle in, but I'll definitely keep reading.

Seriously, thank you to everybody who's been answering my questions. I'm still trying to figure out the balance between "I don't know anything and you people do and oooh! chance to grown in knowledge/empathy!" versus not wanting to make unreasonable demands that you all stop and educate me. So again, thank you.

Also, if anything I wrote would benefit from a trigger warning, TBAT, please don't hesitate to add one. And that goes for any future posts, as well.

[Mmy]

@MadGastronomer: I'm not sure quite what, but if TBAT can come up with something appropriate, I'd appreciate one being added. Maybe, "Warning: Transphobic/transmisogynist word used to inform someone that that word is a slur". Or ROT13 it? Or something?

That's a difficult one because the trigger warning is almost a trigger in itself. I personally would go for a vaguer trigger warning PLUS rot13. But that is just me.

[Andrew Glasgow]

And the thing is a lot of people use words like that one without any realization that they're using a slur. The fact that some trans women use it for themselves isn't license for anyone else to use it, of course. Transphobia is even more common than homophobia and more entrenched. People who have no problem whatsoever with gay men and women get freaked out if they see a trans woman, or even a picture of one that is ambiguous. (The whole phenomenon of 'trap' pictures on the internet is extremely distressing, even if the pictures themselves are sexy.)

[MadGastronomer]

Right, can That Word be ROT13'd, then?

Seriously, thank you to everybody who's been answering my questions. I'm still trying to figure out the balance between "I don't know anything and you people do and oooh! chance to grown in knowledge/empathy!" versus not wanting to make unreasonable demands that you all stop and educate me. So again, thank you.

I congratulate you on your cluefulness in handling your own lack of knowledge. And you're welcome.

I'm cis, but I work hard at being educated on trans issues, and at trying to contribute positively. I've got an expanding stack of resources, and friends willing to give me help and opinions, and when I have the time, I'm happy to share. Just remember that my perspective is an outsider's.

[The Board Administration Team]

@MadGastronomer: Just want to be sure that we are ROT13ing the correct post. Are you referring to genaal from the post at 9:32?

[MadGastronomer]

Yes, please, that one.

[The Board Administration Team]

@MadGastronomer -- done.

[MadGastronomer]

Thank you very much!

[CZEdwards]

@Cerebus: I had a long post, but it mostly comes down to, While I agree, both sitches have advantages and ginormous disadvantages as long as there are people willing to exploit or harm others in whatever setting they conjure. The rooms and fixtures don't care, for certain, so it's us as a culture that allows abuse and discrimination that we gotta fix. Seriously, after 4 years of monthly toilet meetings, I know way more about the subject than I ever wanted to know, and pretty much all such systems are broken in subtle ways that tend to bite those who can least afford another indignity. Get that rock rollin' Sisyphus... We got a mountain to climb. Fair?

OT: I just got mightily bushwhacked -- friend in serious trouble, legal type. No details, but it doesn't look good for the home team. I rarely ask for good thoughts or prayers, but SG does, so if you've any to spare, he could use some fortitude and wisdom.

[Dragoness Eclectic]

Here's my take on it as a cis-gendered woman: the "ladies room" has traditionally been a "safe space" where a women could go and be among other women (or no one) not just when performing bodily functions, but when one needed to get away from a man or men (like one's date) for a while. ("I need to powder my nose"). It was a refuge; very strong custom had it that not even a husband or father was allowed into that woman's-only sanctuary.

I believe that's why women get all twitchy about people who appear to be men (even if they do not so self-identify) "invading" their safe space. Why men have issues about their "guys only" spaces, they'd have to explain; I cannot. I know that as a woman, I do not have much compunction about invading single-stall men's rooms if I have to pee and that's the only alternative. I've seen other women with the same attitude: "when you gotta go, you gotta go".

I once witnessed the women collectively take over a multi-stall men's restroom at the Superdome, when there was some event going on with heavy female attendance, and the few female restrooms had huge lines, and the men's rooms had none, because the idiots who designed the place assumed "sports events == mostly male attendees == don't need as many female restrooms" (either that, or they forgot that women take longer to do their business than men).

[Amaryllis]

@Dragoness: I understand that feeling perfectly. Hell, I share it. I get very twitchy about the idea of sharing a common, that is multi-user, bathroom with men (in which I'm perfectly happy not to include transwomen), and it's not fear of assault. It feels like an invasion of privacy.

And there are those, including some who've posted here, now and when we've discussed this topic before, who've been made worse than uncomfortable. Who've been ogled and harassed and even assaulted in public restrooms, and who are understandably distressed at a change in convention which would make mixed-gender restrooms more acceptable.

The question here is whether our discomfort, or even distress, outweighs the discomfort, distress, or actual risk to those who don't fit neatly into the standard binary categories. After all, when you gotta go, you gotta go; that shouldn't have to be a time for existential angst, social timidity, or testing your risk-assessment capabilities.

Single-user unisex is the ideal (well, my ideal, problems have been pointed out with that design as well) but it's probably not logistically feasible for high-volume public spaces.

Frakking bathrooms.

[alienbooknose]

It never occurred to me that there could be issues with single-user rooms besides volume/expense to convert until now. And I work in a high school. hmm. From my experience the current many-stalls set up does not prevent violence, but I don't know if single stalls would be better or worse. I do know that if I were a kid I would wish that the damn stalls actually reached the floor/ceiling. ugh.

Work is weird-- there are single user bathrooms for teachers only in pairs throughout the building in places like faculty lounges. Most aren't marked male/female except for the ones in the office, which are also painted/decorated in aggressively gendery ways. The one with no markings near our department office still has an assumed female/male stall but people go in the other when one is full. Women however tend to go in the assumed female one if its open because its cleaner and someone keeps air freshener in there. Men at work apparently miss the pot a lot? I'd worked there for like 2 years before I realized that people thought of them as male/female restrooms because there were no signs. (The male one has an old poster about "is your washroom breeding bolsheviks?" up because we are the history department. The female one has a picture of flowers. I always want to put a Rosie the Riveter picture up instead.)

I always thought my kids had it easy with 5 mins to get to class-we got 3 in high school. I do know it's not a lot of time, especially if you have to go, but I also see my kids who are constantly late hanging out in the halls talking to their friends until the last possible second.

[Choir of Shades, who is now using a handle not normally associated with hirself so as to discuss more sensitive issues]

Speaking as a biological male who has always used male bathrooms, I've never been comfortable with urinals. I'll always take a stall if one is available, and will only reluctantly choose to use a urinal if a stall is not available.

I've just recently begun to understand my sexual and gender identity (and constantly tear out my hair over the rhetorical and linguistic ambiguities between sex, gender, and sexuality), so this is eye-opening for me, though I've known about discrimination against trans people in very horrible ways, such as the use of "genaal cnavp" (rot13ing to be safe) as a legal defense against murder. I'm extremely lucky in many ways with my identity: I identify both as a het-but-not-straight* male, and a homoflexible female. On the one hand, this means that no matter what option I choose, I can't fully satisfy my identity; but because of it, I am able to function basically as cissexual, a benefit for which I find I have more and more to be grateful for.

{{{{{Pthalogreen}}}}}

Thank you for being wiling to share your experiences of abuse, and I feel honored to be part of a community where you can feel safe to discuss them.

@Cerberus
You forgot Poison from Final Fight. Who is MtF entering a fighting tournament to pay for her operation. And Birdo as well (Birdo is the pink dinosaur thing that spits eggs at you in Mario; canon has it that Birdo is a trans female). And one of the female shadow girls in Paper Mario: Thousand Year Door is apparently biologically male. Kind of interesting that Mario has so many trans characters.
Re: Naoto I tend to waffle between whether zie is FtM or genderqueer (I've gotten into LOOONG discussions about this). Either way zie fits in with the entire Persona 4 cast which includes 2 gay guys, a pansexual guy, 2 lesbians, a bi girl, and Naoto.

* basically attracted to females, feminine intersex**, and extremely femme males, such as the above-mentioned Bridget

** not sure how to nounify...blue wizard needs sleep badly

[Timothy (TRiG)]

The word with the biggest potential to be offensive ...

A cousin of mine used the word <rot13>furznyr</rot13> a while ago in a Facebook status. I tried to explain what was wrong with this, and she went off on one about free speech and me trying to "tell her what to say".

I gave up. Perhaps I shouldn't have.

TRiG.

[Sixwing]

not sure how to nounify...

I find that putting "people" on the end tends to work well.